Rejection from (so-called) friends

[Sammie]

Our 17 yo daught has decided to go NAVY. As a result, most of her so-called friends have turned their backs on her, some being very cruel and hurtful. She goes this Tuesday for MEPS and if all goes well there she'll be enlisting.

I'm doing everything I can to help her maintain a Positive Mental Attitude.

Has anyone else had this issue with their childs peers and how did you/your child overcome it.

[Jeanine #762]

Sailor son's friends thought the same way as your daughters friends. All he told them was at least he was doing something productive with his life and planning for his future. He now does not hesitate to rub it in that at age almost 20 in 2 months, he has a 20K+ savings plan, college money and training in case he doesn't want to go to college. All free and clear and his A and C school will serve him well on any resume he writes and knows he will be taken ahead of those so called friends doing nothing with their lives now. Kudos to her and the true friends will come to the front in her support and she might not have ever thought of them as her close friends before. Like Molly the Snipe Mom and everyone else here thinks, I think, this country can rest because our children will be there to cover their butts so maybe they might not HAVE to serve. Saop box over, congratulations on her future endeavors as a member of the finest branch to be of service to their countrymen.

[grgsuch(Gregg)]

Our daughter had many emotions from different people. The one that gets me is she will finally grow up. But, she grew up the day she decided to dedicate herself to her country and fellow man for eight years. She is on the right road. This was her decision. We told her we would support her. But the day she swore in, we were very proud parents. I've said this before, but when she said she was proud of herself......this Dad got choked up.These are her friends now, her team, her family and we welcome them with open arms. Good luck, stay strong.

[Stacey]

My daughter had a similar experiance. It has more to do with her maturity over that of her "friends". Try to help her stay focused on all the benifits and adventure that lies ahead. My daughter was just home on leave and she said she just wont subject herself to these immature people ever again, they have not changed but she has helped to change the world. Ashley has been in 2 yrs now! Please share my navy moms site with your daughter and ensure her great things are ahead.Please tell her congratulations on her upcomming trip to MEPS. Its ok to be proud because the nation is proud with her. As for the boy friend he needs to step to the front of the line before he speaks down to someone who has displayed more courage than he has ever displayed. He too will end up in the " never again" category, my daughter's "supportive" boyfriend did. Good Luck!

[Sues]

My son's experience was not so bad. They all wondered why he didn't pick college but overall I they supportive. The problem is at 17 lots of kids are very immature and don't understand how to deal with situations like this. They may come around or they may not. In the end, once your daughter is in the Navy, she will make loyal, supportive friends who will always be there for her. Your daughter is doing something very meaningful with her life that will give her experience and knowledge like no other opportunity. Good luck to her.

[Coyote]

If we're talking girls (her friends) they are just mean to each other anyway. (BTW, you can probably throw boys in their too, some of them can be just as brutal with friends that are girls) My daughter (non-navy) had alot of issues with her friends when she wasn't the blind follower. She (your daughter) could get the same treatment if she picked a boy to date they don't approve of or disliked a movie they wanted to see. I know that sounds so trivial when comparing it to making such an huge life-choice and having her friends turn away, but the fact is they just don't make much distincton between these types of things--everything carries the same weight and magnitude.

Your daughter sounds like she is just light-years ahead of them in planning for her future and they are just busy getting through their teen years. They often become jealous when graduation gets closer and they feel pressured to make life choices for themselves and feel that their friend has moved on and they are still stuck with a decision to make. Not only has your daughter already made a choice, she has done the unexpected and is following something she wants to do, and selecting the road less traveled. My son too, has experienced some of this from his friends after joining. Again, they don't understand his choice. They are busy going to college, getting their degrees and don't understand his decision. They act as if it was his failure to succeed in college (which by the way he wasn't failing) and this was his way out, like one of the other moms said, picking the 'easy way out', rather than a decision to do something he wanted to do. Their peers often times don't hold the respect for the type of work our service men and women choose to do. Especially in times of war when they may feel that joining the armed forces is giving your approval to the war, rather than an admirable choice to serve their country and help others. Teenagers are still pretty immature and selfish at that age, so thinking beyond their existing world and immediate future is difficult. I was a girl scout leader for 15+ years and my husband as scout master. I truly love teenagers, but we've both have seen this behavior with teens, even those that are supposed to be service oriented young people. Try not to hold it against them too much. They are just kids and will grow out of it. It may take awhile but they usually come back around. My dauther (now 23) has reunited with some of those who were so cruel back then, and our son is now hearing from his friends in college as well and reuniting with others through on-line contact. I know that doesn't help her right now. Just give her lots of hugs, encourage her to stay true to herself and her true friends will realize what she is doing and will come back. They just need some time to adjust.

[LisaG-WA (PeteG's Mom)]

All.... These are what are termed "Fair Weather Friends." We've all had them in life; even in our years below 18...they serve a purpose in our life...to help us learn to build relationships, and to move on from them as well.

As a former enlisted, then officer, now retired, I can tell you that my BEST friends, really, shipmates, and the relationships that I now cherish, are those that I made in the military, from all branches of services. I'm living back in my hometown now, been retired just over 12 years, and my childhood friends that live here, the ones that I knew from kindergarten to senior year, I only see when I run into them in town or invite them for my annual Christmas open house....I don't get invited to theirs.

However, those that I met in the service, go out of their way to contact me, come visit me from across the country, and stand by me when I am in time of need. Part of this has to do with the fact that the friends of my youth are just that, childhood friends, and not part of my adult period of maturation....and this will be the same for your sons and daughters.

My son was hesitant to go into the service too, he didn't want to leave his friends behind....now he's made new friends and it has dawned on him that if he'd never left, he wouldn't have met those he has....and I remind him that if I hadn't done the same, left my small home town in Washington State, I wouldn't have met and married his Dad 12 years later, an Italian born in the Bronx and raised in New Jersey...my BEST FRIEND, and my son would not have been born!

It takes them a while to realize this home truth and our job is to be there to support them, and in the process, we too might make the journey from being Mom and Dad, to being their friends.....this is what happened with my parents support and what I reflect back on now that I'm in the same position with my own son. Your daughter has the courage of her convictions, Sammie, and I am proud she has joined our numbers in service to her country. Charlie Golf One - Navy Medicine - Standing By, Ready to Assist....LisaG

[Coyote]

Well said. I didn't serve in the military but was a person who remained in my home town. The only 'kids' from high school that I have kept in touch with over the years are those that returned to my home town later in life and we wound up with kids in the same activities together. I have only one friend that dates back to kindergarten that I have maintained a long-term friendship with. Most of our childhood friends are not people that later in life we associate with. My closest and dearest friends are those I have met through family activities and we are now as close as sisters. I tried to tell that to my children also when they were experiencing the 'outcast' by high school classmates. It fell on deaf ears as again thinking down the road like that at a time in their life when acceptance of their peers is high on the list of priorities wasn't really comforting. Once they decided to let go and move on though, they found new friendships that are now stronger than the old ones.

[Tracy - Steph's mom]

My daughter has ran into the same with a couple of her friends. She didn't let it get her down. Instead she spends all the time she spends around one in particular trying to recruit him. I don't know if she is having any luck, but at least it makes her feel better about it.
In this one boy case, the military (any branch) would do him some good. He is on a path to nowhere here at home.
Another one of her friends is gone to college and hates it. She plans on dropping out at the end of the semester. My daughter is trying to recruit her too. But with her, she is going with the all boys all the time approach. Sad but it is making headway with the girl.
A final thought...as I have told my daughter a million times throughout her life...real friends will back you up, fake friends will bring you down, and the only person who really matters is you. None of these other people (the fake friends) will matter after June.
Good luck to your daughter. And best wishes to your family.

[Mary]

I can only reiterate what everyone else here has said. My son didn't get flak from joining because he had been talking about it since he was 15. My cousin was in the Navy and then in the CIA. He has always really admired her, and so she was a great influence on him. He's always been a think for himself kind of guy, so if he got hassled, he didn't tell us about it.

He was talking to one of his best friends who was a year behind him in school about joining, and the young man was interested. That was until his dad said he's be wasting his life. This is our music teacher in our school district and our neighbor, and a friend from college. I still think of that when I see him at school. But Jared has gotten quite the education, has lived in London, traveled to places that I could only dream of going, and made a vast number of new friends. This kid got a free education at a private college in the little town we lived in because his mom works there. But he's still in the same little town working for the college. A nice life, but I think Jared got the better end of the stick.

The high school girlfriend went by the wayside, I think because of it. But as her mom was nuts, I was glad that Jared didn't get more involved there. Plus, just how many of our high school friends do we keep in contact with now that we've gone on? Not many usually. You always change as you grow. And IMHO, if they treat your daughter like that, then they aren't friends at all. It may be tough at the moment, but she's well shot of them in the long run. She'll be amazed at how quickly she'll make friends at GL. Tell her to keep her chin up and forget about the "friends." She's off to a better life.

[Jackie]

Sammie,
My son was 20 when he went into the Navy. He had gone to college after High School on a football scholarship and did not like it , he felt like he was still in high school and that everything was going to slowly.
He got some of the same responses from some of his long time friends, Like man why would you want to do that now with everything that is going on and are you crazy! When he came home for the first time this last Labor day weekend to get his car, these same friends spent the weekend at our house and were blown away by how much John had changed and what he has accomplished in school. He loves that his classes are self paced and that he can go through them quickly. He has learned so much more than he did in a year at college. They are all now glad that he has found something that makes him truly happy.They are on the other hand going to school and depending on mom and dad for financial support, partying their weekends away. I am so glad that my son took the road that he did.
Tell your daughter that it is her life and that what they think does not matter. She is the one who knows what is best for herself.

[Tracy]

We live in a pretty small town. 3 high schools & pretty much anyone between 21 to 16 knows who my son is. His guy friends said things to him at first but my son said, "hey, I am going to be getting paid to travel & see the world & you are going to be stuck in this town". Pretty much after that they stop saying things but when my son had his going away party he only invited 3 friends & told me he didnt want the rest of them there. Now he is half way thru BC & says he has 3 new best friends.

[Linda Collins]

I am so sorry for your daughter and her 'so-called' friends giving her a hard time. My daughter had a similar falling out with a couple of her girlfriends when she told them she really wanted to enlist in the Navy. It was her senior year in highschool (first semester of 2006). She wanted to get her college degree paid for and also felt very strongly about the military and how this avenue could help her to mature and learn more about herself than the 'normal' college route. They were not understanding at all, at first. However as time went on during the year and my daughter did not waver in her choice, they came around and were very supportive of her decision. Since Christi (my daughter) graduated in June of 2007, she took a short delay on entering the Navy and took some classes at our local Community College, worked, and spent the summer enjoying her freedom with her friends. She entered the Navy on Aug. 10 and graduated from Great Lakes on Oct 3. Share this with your daughter and let her know, that if her 'friends' were really her friends, they would support her in any decision she makes for her own life. Possibly they are just jealous, envious or don't have a clue as to their own future and want your daughter and their other circle of friends to be in the same boat!! As far as keeping her upbeat and feeling great about her decision to pursue a career in the military in the Navy, let her know that one of the greatest gifts that anyone can give of themselves is to serve in the United States Military. As a member of that distinguished group, she is a far better person with more guts, stamina and a real sense of duty to herself and her country, and the love, prayers and support of thousands of men, women and children across the this wonderful country as well as the entire globe. As a mother of a daughter just like yours, I am very proud to be a cheerleader for you and her. Feel free to answer or reply to my reply. Blessings, Linda