Don't shoot the messenger!

[Chris A.]

If you ask for advice, and get several different points of view, please don't get all huffy if you don't like what you're being told. A recent post from a young woman asked for advice, was given it and because we didn't tell her what she wanted to hear she decided we were very rude and promptly closed her discussion. Not very helpful!

[Anti M]

I agree, on open forums you will get a variety of responses. You just have to wade through and take the information at face value, then use that info for further research. Most people who take time to reply are doing so because they honestly think they are giving useful advice, or that their experiences may be insightful. Cut them some slack. And some topics are hot buttons, if you post on controversial or personal subjects, expect controversial replies.

At times my replies are short and the writing style concise. Sometimes this is mistaken for anger or a sharp remark. It is not. I'm not the only one who writes in this way. The message is: don't read too much "tone of voice" into text on a screen.

[Denise 2]

What a good thought. Just because one person experinced something one way doesn't mean it will ALWAYS be that way. I have seen this happen before as well. We can only share our experiences and the knowledge we have gained. This is the military and nothing is carved in stone.
We all want to be helpful and we shouldn't do things just to be hateful or spitefull that doesn't serve a purpose.
We have moms from all over the US we are all unique in our own way and have our own experiences.
Some of us have one child serving or more, Some have been active duty ourselves or even been a spouse of someone who has or is serving. This is what makes the military so different from a typical civilian job.
America is great for that, it isn't called the melting pot for nothing.

[Steve's Mom]

Tone is very hard to hear in text. But if the poster thinks they are being attacked they should report it to the admin. I have seen both short answers being helpfull and being rude (not directed to any poster in this thread or that closed discussion). When in doubt read through twice and think about who (new navy mom, scared gf,ect) who you are speaking to.
A month into this site I told someone that "IA ment their sailor was probably going to be deplyed to a war zone". Just like that, nothing more and was attacked by a former military person because they didn't believe I should have been that short or concise with a new military mom. So think about your audience.

[Paula]

I agree with all of you, I have witnessed some pretty harsh responses too though. A mom asked a question and I will tell you this person blasted them a new *****. It was insane, Anti, your are honest & tackful I just think more people should think before they type. If I know the person is not going to like my answer but needs to hear it, (lol) I apologize first and then say you may not like this but their are many different aspects to your question.

Have a good w/e all! My boy is on the water for now I don't know where & I miss him terribly :(

[Chris A.]

My whole point was that several of us gave slightly different answers to her questions, absolutely none of which were in any way rude. I can't imagine why she got so upset, unless it was because we discouraged her from doing something foolish that she'd obviously set her mind on doing anyway.

[Anti M]

And it is an excellent point, Chris. You just can't tell how a reply will be taken.

[Achseh]

I don't mind if anyone shoots this messenger (me)- I expect it! You know I don't sugar coat things. Never have, never will. I learned that it doesn't help to gloss over the truth even if it hurts. Knowing the truth and acknowledging it as "it is what it is" helps us move on. That also means that I don't ever desert someone who is going through something, either. I'll help them out to the best of my ability, but I won't enable anyone to be victimized, even it they are doing it to themselves! :o)

Some of this comes through being toughened as a Navy wife all these years, but to be honest, a lot of it comes through my work in domestic violence and psychiatric. Speaking the truth and talking about realities that are mindboggling to some who have never experienced them is ok and many times is welcomed by the person going through it, even though at first they resist hearing about the reality of it all.

I'm also very forgiving of those who aren't ready to accept the blatant truth, too. It's a hard thing to do and it takes some guts to take off rose colored glasses, pull up your big girl panties, put on the gloves and get to work! :o)

I try to be gentle, but I fail miserably sometimes.

[Hoppi aka Angie]

LOL! I fully understand I do the same thing :~} I worked in the Sexual Assult program for years and have developed a very thick skin.

I am a very blunt person. Seems people on here have an issue with that. But it is funny as when I talk to my Sailors they seem to appricate someone being blunt with them and not surger coating things.

[Arwen]

Also, if your sailor screwed up, got in trouble and is getting kicked out, don't come complaining about how unfair and horrible the Navy is.

If a sailor has had problems and parents want to know more about how the system works, then fine. I'm happy to offer my support and whatever information I have in helping the parent understand what is going on. It's hard not knowing what your child is going through. But...

We've heard *some* moms complain about the treatment their child has received while getting kicked out for doing something really stupid, making excuses for their children and expecting the Navy to let them get away with it with a slap on the wrist. I've seen at least two parents do this, and I simply can't give them any pity. I know it's a parent hurting for their child whose Navy dreams are gone, and in some cases will have a poor discharge record that will follow them the rest of their life. But that attitude also tells me exactly why their child screwed up - I bet those parents have made excuses for their kids their whole lives. I know parents IRL who do that. It rarely turns out well.

Sadly enough, my own mother is this way. My brother's best friend, who was like a third son to my mom, was in a holding company between boot camp and Nuke school for several months due to a citizenship issue. While he waited (and waited and waited) he made some very bad decisions and became an alcoholic. He was discharged and to this day my mom says "The Navy did it to him." "It's all the Navy's fault." She's absolutely certain the Navy will do something similar to my boys. Never mind the fact that my husband, my brother-in-law, his wife and I all had great Navy experiences.

[Hoppi aka Angie]

Soo couldn't say it any better.

[Chris A.]

Arwen, you said what I have wanted to say so often. I'm absolutely willing to try and help people with their problems, to sympathize if necessary but I too get more than a little annoyed with the "my poor child, look what the Navy did to him/her." I have no patience with people who are willing to blame everything on someone else. I've had that happen in my family and it drove me nuts. Stand up and take responsibilty for your actions. If you ask for advice, be willing to listen to those who may have a different point of view. Otherwise, if you're not going to listen, don't even bother to ask.

[Achseh]

Those types don't want advice, they want sympathy. In which case they should ask for sympathy because there are plenty out there who will give it unconditionally.