How do you deal with less-than-supportive relatives?

[Arwen]

When I joined the Navy 20-some years ago, my mom wasn't thrilled, but was at least somewhat supportive.Now that my sons are joining (older son is in DEP and younger son is applying for NROTC), she's freaked out. She has called, texted and emailed her displeasure. My older son needed some paperwork at MEPS that he left at her house (he lived with her 300 miles from our home for a year while he attended junior college classes) and she refused to get it for him unless he promised to not take a job that might require that he kill someone. (I didn't bring up the fact that it might happen in ANY job, in self-defense.)

My mom watched my brother's best friend self-destruct while in the Navy a few years ago. Much of it was his own fault, not paying attention to what he needed to do, and part was the Navy screwing up his paperwork so that he was in holding for 6 months while the Navy worked the problem out. By the time the Navy got it together, he had turned into an alcoholic, had a horrible attitude and was separated with an other-than-honorable discharge. She decided it was all the Navy's fault.

I think there is also the factor that there is a war with two active fronts (or is it two wars?) going on right now, when I was in we had Glasnost - the end of the Cold War.

So my mom is freaked out, if I even mention my son's activities in DEP, or his joining, she freaks out. When I mentioned that my younger son was applying for NROTC she freaked again and hung up on me with "You KNOW how much I hate the military." Her health is not good, which probably has a lot to do with her emotional stability regarding this issue. As I said, she didn't used to be like this. She is hurting herself AND my sons at this point. The boys know about her, ahem, quirks, but this upsets everyone.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of situation? How do you balance "grandma's love" with "grandma is freaked out"?

[Lisa, Nuke Wife]

While I'm not a Navy mom, I have lots of experience of my own dealing with less than supportive parents on the grounds of marrying a military man among other life choices that I've made. The first thing I learned was that its a waste of time to try and change their mind, it won't happen. What I do is to very calmly but sternly tell them the situation and expectations of them. The situation is your two sons are actively pursuing military careers and the expectation is that she not get in the way of their dreams. Voicing her concerns is fine but trying to sabotage your son's paperwork is unacceptable. And behavior like that mustn't be tolerated by you or your sons. That said though, I think we all know how stubborn and irrational older people are. Sometimes there is just no reasoning especially if they're not in their right mind. Good luck with grandma and hopefully she will become more used to the idea and accepting of their future plans.

[Arwen]

She's not all that old, she's only 62. She can't use her age as an excuse for her behavior. This is part of who she is, I guess. She's always been emotionally very weak, us pushing back (even just telling her to chill out when dealing with the boys) would probably not make her stop, but go into a massive emotional tailspin ending with a crash.

[Cheryl]

Listen to what everyone is saying...they are so right. She is emotionally blackmailing you, trying to control you with her ways. My mother is the same way...told my daughter go ahead and join the Navy, I'll probably be dead by the time you get out. Now, she won't even talk to my daughter when she does come home to visit. It is very sad, but it is of her own creation...not yours!

[Chris A.]

She's trying to blackmail you. I'm older than her so I can say this. She'll keep telling you to jump and every time you ask how high she'll have won. It's very sad that through her own foolishness she's going to alienate her grandchildren. Your boys need to do what they have planned to do and accept the fact that while their grandma loves them, she's not totally in her right mind and needs to be forgiven.......and her tantrums ignored. The more you let her see she's getting to you, the more she'll keep it up. You have to very calmly tell her to butt out.

[SeaBee Nucci's Mom]

Amen... I totally agree with you on that... I have a mother-in-law that has tried to control her sons life and he isn't in the military, however our son joined and she said all sorts of things for him not to. Well, my son, who has been in for 2 years now loves it, she did back off once she seen that it wasn't going to work and loves him the same. She worries about him being in Iraq now, but still loves him the same.. It is just a matter of boundaries, we all must have them.

[Viki]

Are you kidding me? If I listened to unsupportive relatives, I would still be living with mommy and daddy....
I know this life is mine to live and I never thought about what other people thought since they are not the
ones paying my bills, supporting me financially, etc.
Plunge forward in life and let them think what they want.
If I seriously listened to negativity, I would be no where.
I always lead a life with this great thought in mind "What's the worst thing that could happen?"
It is time to grow up and go forward.

[Navy 08 mom]

The fact of the matter is your sons need your support first and foremost. I would stand up to my mother and say.....Mom this is their choice if you have nothing nice to say and can't show support say nothing at all. If she is negative with the them they need to do the same. I'm scared everyday for my sailor who is currently deployed, that is no excuse to tear them down by being negative. When ever he tells me something scary I say you will be awsome and we will get through it. Everyone has the right to their opinions but they don't have a right to force them at every turn. When my mom who is also emotionally week says things negative I tell her mom we are not going to go there. That's all it takes cause she knows I mean it and I will remove myself from her and her emotional baggage. Distance some times makes one stop and think. I for one would like to say thanks to your boys for making the choice to serve. Wishing you and your sons the best.
PS I think it's called tough love and it can apply to parents as well as our kids.

[TexasDocMom]

"Why did you let M. join the Navy?" I'll always remember that call from my mother in law. And yet the same comment from her daughter, my sister in law. I guess because my dad was career Navy and I was raised in a Navy town, it was my fault. Personally, I blame David Robinson of the San Antonio Spurs and Navy Academy grad.

my first thought was "do they know the same kid I do?"...and then I said the same thing over and over "we raise our children to make their own decisions and choices about their lives and we don't get to complain (too much) when they do so."

I am your mother's age and I have the same memories and fears related to them of the Viet Nam war and so many who didn't come home or came home so screwed up it affects their lives today. I am also the mom of a Navy greenside corpsman who was in the sand last year. I hate war with all my being, but I respect my son's choice for his life. And I'm very proud of him and all of those with whom he serves.

Point out to your mother, one more time, that neither of you can make these choices for your sons, they have made them for themselves and now it's time to respect their first real adult decision and just be proud of them. Cry in the shower, not on their shoulders.

Tell her to come here, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, all are here, not just moms.

[Achseh]

Hey, I remember seeing David Robinson for the first time on the pier in Kings Bay. He certainly stood out!

Arwen- there is nothing you can do but set your boundaries, which I'm sure you know will cause her to push further. I know you are trying to balance your need to be a good daughter and your need to be a good mother and that's hard because of her emotional instabilities. But boundaries need to be set.

I get the sense that you've spent some time of your adult life, and possibly teen years, being a Mom to your Mom. It gets harder the older they get- just like it sometimes does with our own children. You aren't doing her any favors, though.

We get two chances to get this parent thing right---once as a child and once with our own children. The huge difference here is that when you are the child, you have no control when you are younger, but you can control how you choose to parent. What gets interesting is that when we become adults we suddenly *do* have some control in that relationship with our parents and that comes in setting those boundaries.

Chris has it exactly right and this is what I've also told my children--Grandma isn't *with it* and so we need to ignore her rants and raves and do what we know is best for us.

Good luck!

[SeaBee Nucci's Mom]

Thank you... Now I know now I am not the only one with the in-law issues when it comes to my son in the Navy.

[Jeanna]

When I informed my mom I was joining the Navy I waited til the last possible second because I knew where the conversation would go. I waited til I had made my decision, brought my paperwork and TOLD her I was resolute. She did exactly what I expected. She turned the guilt faucet on high and said I didn't love her or my family or else I wouldn't want to leave them. The argument escalated when each time she threw an ultimate statement at me, I met it with reason. "Yes I do love you, and because I am confident in your love I know I can go and it will go with me." "Yes I know it is dangerous, maybe one day giving my life for another is an honor I was taught by you to be the highest." "Yes I know I will miss my nieces growing up, but even if I did not decide this, I am not staying here forever."
It ended up out in the street as she yelled at me and demanded my father take her home. I did not call her and apologize. I signed my papers and showed up for the next family dinner. As the months have passed and they see I am firm in my choices now, they are actually somewhat encouraging. If Grandma's power of guilt is removed she will then be forced to make the choice to suck it up and be a part of their lives or live bitterly. Sometimes the phone has to be hung up, the car door slammed and driven away before that is apparent to the party overstepping boundaries. Stay strong!

[roxann]

Jeanna, I am proud of you for sticking to your guns. My daughter is excited about joining the Navy but her father is not so supportive.. We had a disagreement about this over the weekend because he thinks she should wait 6 months to make a decision. He has been very controlling and doesn't want to let go. I on the other hand am excited for her (and also scared) but am supporting her decsion all the way.
When do you go to boot camp? Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going for you!