I need quick advice Moms!!!

[Susan]

Ok, I need some BIG advice, quickly. My son Michael calls me today and says "mom do you love me?" Uh Oh....So my first question is, is she pregnant (meaning the girlfriend), he says NO!, next question is, is this going to cost me any money,he says NO!. So what he asks me is if he can get MARRIED!!! UGH!!!!!! He is only 20. I am like are you nuts? He says he wants to get married but he won't until I let him go. Well heck I let him go when he joined the Navy. So he will be home this weekend and we are suppose to talk. What am I going to say to him???????????

[Brenda Sue]

He should WAIT!!! How long has he known (been dating this girl)? Where is she in her life? (college, working, etc). What would be the advantages/disadvantages of getting married vs waiting?

[Susan]

Well he has been going with her for about 2 years. She moved down there with him in August and it has been tough financially. I think he is thinking he will get a pay raise. But that is NO reason to get married. I know he can go off an do it on his own, but I am so afraid of that. I love her she is a sweatheart and comes from a wonderful family, but she has this talent in art that is so amazing and she is doing nothing with it. This girl received a scholarship to an art school in NY and turned it down. I think she wants to just stay home and have babies. I

[Teri Q]

Hi Susan, I am with Brenda Sue ,I think that stuff says a lot about someones character and the past usually dictates the future. Tell him to make sure that she doesn't bring a lot of baggage to the relationship.

[Donna]

When he comes home. Ask him why does he want to get married now?? has he been deployed yet?? I believe he should wait until he has been deployed and see how his girlfriend handles it ( if he hasn't been yet) From what you have told us about her I believe she is probably pushing her hand with him. have him made up a list of pros and cons of getting married right now.. What does she do with herself while he is working or on duty? Does she work at all..sounds like she is looking for someone to just take care of her

[Anti M]

He won't get a pay raise, but he will get BAH and she will get medical care and the other privileges which come with a dependent ID card. It is attractive from a financial viewpoint. I am not advocating the marriage, just looking at different angles.

But yeah, 20 is young. And the Navy is tough on relationships. Is he in A school? Or at a permanent duty station? Because he may be thinking that if he's married, he'll get accompanied orders. Maybe, maybe not. How will she react if he goes on long deployments or is stationed overseas without her? Because there are places she cannot follow as a girlfriend or fiance, even as a wife in some instances. How will she handle that?

He's put a lot into his career, she should contribute also. If that means school, then maybe that's what she should do for him.

[judy crawford]

susan, if you dont give your love to this marriage then they will probably do it anyway and then things just wont be so happy.if hes been with her two years then they are ready...is michael still in bootcamp..if so tell him to at least wait until after that and a school...

[Sue McM.]

This girl is going to need something to do when he is at sea, which he will be sooner or later. If she is going to sit on her duff, she and he will be very unhappy in no time. Having babies isn't going to make it any easier, either, in fact it can make it a whole lot worse. If he's asking and he's 20 and on his own (not dependent on you financially) then he's got some second thoughts, too. Tell them they need to get some premarital counselling (lots of states require it these days and if they don't, the ministers at most churches do.) They have a lot of 'work' to do before taking that step, it sounds like.

[Lucille page]

Hi Susan, that is a hard one, it is hard to see our children grow up, but he is a man now who needs to make his own discision. We have to let them go, i find that real hard for me. My son Ruben is in the Navy and he always tells me he is a man now. Before you talk to your son Micheal pray to God for guidence and he well guide you on what to say.

Lucille

[Tammy (cbassesmom)]

I agree with Donna. Ask why he wants to get married and why now. And yes his girlfriend should go through a deployment first to see how she handles it. I know from being having our daughter in law (who was Navy also) and grandkids stay with us during our sons last deployment it was tough on her. And when my son was on the deployment during the start of the war, numerous shipmates got the Dear John letter onboard and went home to a divorce in process. But definately hear him out and listen, he is asking from guidance from you or he wouldn't have mentioned it prior to the engagement. Being a mom sure is a tough job.

[Anti M]

He needs to check with the base chaplain about Prep.... pre-marital counseling. What rank is he? That can make a difference.

http://www.smartmarriages.com/prep.overview.html

I wish it had been in place the first time I got married. I never would have said "I do." 'Cause I didn't!

[Colleen]

Susan, I would support any decision (even if your not thrilled) BUT ask him why. Is this love or playing house? Why can't it wait? Money could be a solution financially if they are living off base. Is she pregnant (have to ask) and he wants to cover her on insurance? Does he just want to cover her on insurance? Can this wait a few more years for them to mature a little more? Does the girlfriend understand what it takes to be a military wife (support, loyality, etc). Has he been deployed? What is she doing to participate financially? Is this so she can live on base and reap the benefits of military? I would cover those grounds first, and then take it from there. My only suggestion would be dont get mad over it. Even if you dont like it, make it known, but support his decision as a man. The last thing you want is for him to push away over something lke this. Does her family know? How do they feel?

[Krystal(Michael's Mom)]

I would recommend your son wait to marry. He has a big journey to embark in which he needs 110 percent commitment and fucus. It would be unfair to him as well as the young woman to wed at this time. And what's the rush? Why not wait? They can still be in a commited relationship then marry at a later date.