I need quick advice Moms!!!

[Susan]

Ok, I need some BIG advice, quickly. My son Michael calls me today and says "mom do you love me?" Uh Oh....So my first question is, is she pregnant (meaning the girlfriend), he says NO!, next question is, is this going to cost me any money,he says NO!. So what he asks me is if he can get MARRIED!!! UGH!!!!!! He is only 20. I am like are you nuts? He says he wants to get married but he won't until I let him go. Well heck I let him go when he joined the Navy. So he will be home this weekend and we are suppose to talk. What am I going to say to him???????????

[Donna]

I hate to say "been there, done that" My son went off and got married a few weeks after BC. Now he is on the west coast and she is on the east coast. Its not easy for either one of them. She can't move out there until he starts A-school and he has been on hold for a sec. check. But with your son his lady friend is already with him. So whats stoping them. It only takes 24hrs to get a licence. And yes he will get more money if he is married. Enough to cover the rent and utilitys. But like you said is that a reason to get married. Make sure it is for love not money to pay the bills. I'm sure you will find the right words. Your a navy mom. : )

[Barbara (Derek's Mom)]

I'm with Donna all the way. Both my sons got married, one to a local girl where he was stationed and the other to his HS sweetheart. They're all doing great now (3 years later) but it was very rocky. Deployment will test them like never before. Both boys got married at city hall without telling anybody, they did it a week apart even though they didn't know about each other (both stationed in the same place). One was already planning a wedding but wanted the increase and benefits and the other just wanted the pay increase. Be sure you listen and talk WITH him not AT him, he's a big boy now and even though they will always be our babies they don't understand that yet. If he is asking you for permission maybe he's looking for a way out of it, maybe she's the one pushing it. Delve deep Mom!! Best of luck to both of you!

[Sandy Barham]

Support him. You can advise him but he has to make the final decisions. I know this because I am am mom of 8. It is very hard to let go and let them grow up. They will make mistakes, fall on their butts but they will learn from them( hopefully) and get back on their feet. All we as parents can do is love them and support them emotionaly.

[Kathy]

Hi Susan. I know exactly what you are going through. My son did the same thing to me about a month before he was deployed. I followed the advice that everyone is giving here. Why now was my first question. I knew it was because of the deployment...but I wanted him to realize it on his own. He eventually did and he did not go through with it. They are still together and hopefully someday when the time is right, it will happen. The important thing is that you two are going to talk about it. That says alot about how you raised him!!!

[Judi Yergensen]

Susan its OK Chance came home one day and said mom can you put a wedding together the day after i graduate from high school. Shocked i asked why, with the same questions you did. His answer was i will not go in the Navy with out her or leave her behind when i get sent to SC. We said yes, She (Camille) is a wonderful girl the daughter i never had , she has been living with us while he is boot camp i love her. If that is the worst thing he ever does in his life i have no worries
If you love him you will let him go. Judi

[Susan]

Geez...this advice keeps getting better and better. I cannot believe how many of you have been through this. I keep forgetting we are all in the same boat. I have read every response and first of all I am touched and secondly I don't feel so all alone. I think the one problem was that he started this relationship a month before he left, that was 2 years ago. I know he was extremely lonely, and to me they really didn't get to the real part of the relationship, they were in the infatuation stage. Anyway, she moved down there and things are going good so the only thing it has to be about is the money. She has been through a deployment already and handled it well. She is not pregnant. I think he is thinking he will get more money if they marry. I hope he marries her someday, I just want him to buy her a ring and maybe wait another year or two. I don't think that is much for asking. But of course if he decides differently, I will be right there to support both of them. Again, thank you.

[spoore]

Tell him NO WAY, my son did the same thing as did my daughter, both ended in divorce, they change too much while they are in and its just no the thing to do. Both of mine say if they had to do it again they wouldn't have gotten married. So, no I would tell him to please wait,,,, if she loves him she will wait for him. If she doesn't wait, it wasn't ment to be anyway. Remember the saying if you love someone let them go, if they come back it was ment to be, if they don't it never was/

[earlzagurl*Flip'sMom*]

Hi Susan, Here's my son's story, when he got to SD (after GL and A school in Pensacola naturally) he and a shipmate went to dinner in a small restaurant in Coronado, met a girl from Ohio (my son's from KY, go figure), they talked on the phone and via computer, when she went back home to OH, (this was in Oct. last year,) he came home for thanksgiving and stayed until Jan. she would fly out on business time and again, this spring he came home, she flew out again in June and they went to the justice of the peace, he called me a week later and said he did the J> P> thing, I thought he meant jumping out of planes or something, then he told me they were married ( i should have known when he said yeah she's moving to Lemoore, i said good then you can date and get to know one another better, (she was suppose to be able to transfer her job)anyway, i had only met her twice for brief periods of time, but she would pick him up from the airport when he came home and did so much for him, i was and still am very grateful,,he came back home in July they went back to Oh and rented a Penske truck and put her car on a flat bed truck and drove back to Lemoore, took 4 days, but they saw the sights as they traveled, he was home a week when he had to go to Navada to school for a month, anyway, he's 25 and your son is 20, the navy has matured my son tremendously in a short period of time, he is now a stepfather to a 3 yr. old girl, we all love my new DIL and i am now a first time grandma, , my niece was married 6 mths when they were deployed to Iraq (they were in the army) he had a heat stroke and was sent home, she stayed they divorced in a year, i don't want to sound negative, i wish they all the blessings in the world, i know this is lengthy but wanted to share some experiences with you,take care, Erelene

[Jan Sherman]

My son is starting his 3rd year in the NAVY. Please tell your son that a lot of sailors make the mistake and get married at 20! My son has several friends that did this. They are all divorced right now. It is very stressful on a marriage being on Deployment etc. Tell him to wait for a while.

[Susan]

Ok, so we had the "I want to get married" talk. He tells me that he loves her and she is the one. Then I ask what is the hurry. He says its not going to happen tomorrow but he wants to get married before the ship goes out which I think is November '09. So I suggested that he propose this Christmas, and when he heads out that she should come back home, live with her parents and plan their wedding. I told him I would feel better if he waited till he got back from deployment because that will buy a litte more time for him to be sure. He also agreed to talk to the chaplin about attending some type of pre-nuptual couseling and he says that is fine. He will do it that way. He said that the reason he asked me is that he didn't want to hurt my feelings and wanted me to be a part of it. So what can I say, my baby is growing up and I will support him. So do you guys think I was right? Did I miss something important? Thanks for all your help. .

[Ellen Shanley]

Hi Susan,

Well done!! Hopefully they will use the time to prepare themselves and take some sort of pre-nuptial class together and find out more about one another before taking this important step. My son also married young, but it was to someone he basically grew up with. I didn't feel hesitant about supporting their marriage. It is a lot harder if it is someone you don't know. Nothing is lost by waiting and being sure. Many blessings to you all!

Ellen Shanley

[Zack's PROUD Mom]

Wow...sounds like you have a very mature young man for a son and that he holds your opinion in very high regard. Good job, Mom! I think he is gonna be just fine!