Marriage @ 18 years old

[Carmen]

Help! My sailor son has met a girl who is joining the Navy in a couple of months. They want to get married! I am freaking out because he's barely known this girl for a month. They are so madly in love. He spent Christmas with her and apparently he asked her to marry him and she accepted! I am so baffled I don't know what to say other than "are you crazy?" which is not helpful but I don't know what else to say. Any advice???

Jan 16th - Update: I am happy to say that my little lovebirds have decided to wait..I'm not sure how long but I'll take what I can get. Everyone's advice has been very helpful in one way or another. It's comforting to know that we are not alone out there :) We are going to be meeting his fiance in a month when she comes to California to spend some time with us. I am very excited as I am feeling that this marriage is going to happen whether we like it or not. And honestly, I have to admit that it's not so much the fact that they want to get married - it's that they want to get married sooo soon. I truly feel that they need time to get to know each other. Someone said "Let Go, Let God" and I am thinking that is what we need to do now. We've said how we feel, we've told him how much we love him - It's time to let him have his life. It's time to have faith. Thanks again to everyone who has commented. I'll continue to check back - this has been a discussion!!!

Update March 7th - Well, it's been a while. My son and his finace are getting married on March 21st. He's done with school and has his duty station. He's heading home for 2 weeks and during that time they are going to be married. His fiance is here in Ca with us - she's been staying with us so we could have a chance to know her. She's a real sweet gal and I'm glad we've had the opportunity to learn more about her. We've tried to talk them into waiting still, but it's a no-go. They want to be married and no one is going to stop them - so we've decided to 'embrace' this and pray that things will work out. That's about all we can do at this point. They are so madly in love!

[Sherry James]

Hi Carmen, as a parent and a mom, I totally sympathize with your son's situation. I think that you have to keep a cool head and it might even be better for your husband to speak to your son. My approach would begin with something like getting him to talk about his relationship and what his plans are for it. Really listen so that you can understand what is driving this rush to marry. Then maybe try to dissuade him by simply asking him to give marriage the serious consideration and preparation it deserves since it is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. There should be marital counseling which takes at least a few months usually.

My daughter had a friend who upon graduation from college wanted to get married to a young lady he had known for a while. They attended counseling and found out that their religious and fundamental values were not compatible. Sometimes because there is so much physical attraction and hormones going crazy folks forget to talk about what really matters. They had done just that but with counseling a huge mistake was averted.

Good luck and God bless you.

[KYmom]

Boot camp changes them alot...
Might try telling him they need to wait till after boot camp to be married to make sure that they both can stand the distance. Is he going to college or working? Does he want to pack up move?
Also depending upon if she is going to A school and how long A school is - he may not be able to go with her their either. So he is looking at no wife for 8 weeks of boot camp plus however long her A school is he can't be with her. So he will be looking at not joing her till 1st duty station and if she is put on a ship that's another 6 -7 months aways.

He needs to take a serious look at all that time away that she will be with a mixed group of people mostly men....... after that long of a time apart that both will mature differently and may not even want to be with the other one and she could end up attracted to someone she is around all the time.

Good Luck

[Hoppi aka Angie]

This is from my thoughts and what I have seen, not trying to be rude:

People are away from home for the first time, and there are sooo many people of the other sex. Well, you know what happens between young people :~} Well it happens a few times and the young people think they are in love when really all it is is lust! Than they go and get married, the first time the Sailor is out to see the spouse gets lonely and goes out and picks up someone else. Than the Sailor gets a dear John letter.

From what I have seen, the day a ship pulls out to make a deployment most of the spouses are all decked out for them to leave. The Sailor thinks it is for them, but than as soon as the Ship is out of sight, those same people are at the bar picking up people.

Navy has the highest divorce rate, due to long seperations, stress, deployment, etc...

Just my 2 cents of what I have seen from over 12 years in the Navy.

[Mary, Proud Mom of Nick]

Goodness Hoppi - thought you were reading from one of my old diaries!! I was a Navy wife for 10 years and we are 100% sure that our marriage survived the Navy because we married later ...at 28 yrs old. I'm sure alot of our young sailors are interested is waiting...10 more years but seriously the story that Hoppi describes is VERY REAL. The ships would hardly leave the pier and bammm...the clubs were filling up with those spouses looking to have a great time. I am no way saying this is the case for ALL but way too many spouses are not equipped to deal with deployments that can last 3 - 8 months at a time.

You may not be able to tell your Sailor son this - he is an adult now...right? But encourage him to do his own research on the divorce rates - it's ugly information! Will he consider asking a senior sailor or a chaplain what they have seen?

Regardless of how old someone is, I think their first year in the Navy is a time to learn and focus on their new career or at least get thru their A school and a deployment or two.

[Colleen (Mark's mom Div 076)]

Absolutely! I agree with you 100% no 18 yr old is ready to get married and settle down in this day and age let alone with someone he hasn't known very long. I'm sorry but he needs to see the light and know that it will not last. Lust does not equal love.

[ANDREA THOMPSON]

I also freaked out when my daughter returned from boot camp and decided to get married while home on leave! I did say some "not-so-helpful" things both towards the general idea of getting married at 18 and toward the far-from-wonderful boyfriend. I had hoped that through the experience of traveling and meeting new people she would meet someone better suited for her but it seems that since we have raised them to have independent minds of their own, they are anxiously awaiting an opportunity to express that right. Why does it seem to be a pattern among new enlistees? I am trying to find some rationale and comfort in the whole thing but I am really struggling. I tried my hardest to be supportive and understanding but when I got a total of 8 hours of time with my daughter on her 10 day leave after bootcamp and 6 of those hours were spent listening to her argue with her then-to-be new husband during the every 20 minute on average phone calls it became very difficult to remain supportive. I was told by everyone that it was just my difficulty in "letting go" and surviving the "empty nest" but it is far more than that for me. All I really wanted was quality time before she ships off to who knows where. I was the one who encouraged her to join the Navy and to travel so I don't really think that "letting go" is the issue. Yes it is hard but is it too much to ask for some uninterrupted quality time as I prepare to send her off in the world? The only advice I have is to choose your words wisely. I didn't and now it's done. She is married as of 5 days ago and left this morning for A school. I was not invited to see her off at the airport. Now I am having to find ways to repair the damage I have done.

[Pine Farms]

Andrea,
I do feel your pain. It is not your issue with "letting go" or that "empty nest syndrome" but love for your daughter to try to steer her in the right course. Not sure if you read my very wordly comments in one of my messages but in the long run, feel good that you as a mother did stand up and and said something (regardless if it was said in a manner that your daughter chose to ignore) because someday, she will come to appreciate your words of wisdom (not that they would ever admit it!!!!), Please don't beat yourself up over this because YOU DID the BEST YOU could DO!!! I would give you permission to beat youself up if you had not tried to talk her out of it and to wait :-)

[Karen]

My 20-year old daughter just married her fiance after sub school. I would FOR SURE recommend waiting until after she finishes her boot camp ... and school too if you can convince them to. Boot camp and School are both very intense. It would be even better if they waited until after her first deployment. My son-in-law was just gone for three weeks on his first deployment and that took a lot of adjustment for my daughter. (They just got married Nov 5) We'll see how it goes in May when he goes out for 6 months!
Mostly though, he's going to do what he's going to do. All you can do is advise him of the facts of military life and the adjustments it takes and support him through the transition. Whether they make it or not will ultimately depend entirely on them and you want your son to know you are there for him no matter what.

[Hoppi aka Angie]

I have seen LOTS of Sailors do the secret marriage. IMO, do they really think the marriage will last if they can't even come out to everyone and say they are married? If this is to be so special why hid it?

[Hoppi aka Angie]

My comment was a general comment, not towards anyone on the forum.

[Florence, Adam's Mom]

McNavy,
I totally agree with your advice. We as moms see our children just that our children, but once they leave home whether to go off to school or the armed forces they see themselves as adults. We may not agree with their choices but we have repect their choices unless you want to take the chance of being shut out of their lieves and the next time your bodies are in the same room togather one of you is alive and saying goodby to the other for the Very Last Time. As a mom, I would ask myself how does my 18 year feel and think mom sharing this information for any and every one read about everything going on in their life. Sometimes we need to someone(s) we can share privately our thoughts, feelings, and cares as well as listen to their advice then look clearly at that advice then decide if the advice is the right thing for us. I will pray for your family, Carmen during these trying times. While this reply is seven to eight days later I hope my words are able to help some one either way.

Love, hugs, and prayers sent your way

[Karen Gallagher]

I have not had to deal with this such circumstance as of yet. I know from experience that young marriages generally do not last esp in the military. My guys have told me of many times that buddies get "dear john" letters when they are out to sea as the young women can not handle the lonliness that they have. Some of them do not even acknowledge it and when they get home they no longer have a home, bank account or a wife/girlfriend.
Please do not "push them together" by being negative about the decission that they have made, but be rational about how will things be when they do not see each other for months at a time, they can not talk on a daily basis, they have to work more than they see each other.
the life that a navy sailor and his/her family have is not an easy one, my son's are out to sea more than they are in port. they are not available to discuss those "important issues" that come up daily.

I certainly hope that they have a long engagement and as I have always believed you can not truley know someone until you have spent many many months together.

God Bless