Marriage @ 18 years old

[Carmen]

Help! My sailor son has met a girl who is joining the Navy in a couple of months. They want to get married! I am freaking out because he's barely known this girl for a month. They are so madly in love. He spent Christmas with her and apparently he asked her to marry him and she accepted! I am so baffled I don't know what to say other than "are you crazy?" which is not helpful but I don't know what else to say. Any advice???

Jan 16th - Update: I am happy to say that my little lovebirds have decided to wait..I'm not sure how long but I'll take what I can get. Everyone's advice has been very helpful in one way or another. It's comforting to know that we are not alone out there :) We are going to be meeting his fiance in a month when she comes to California to spend some time with us. I am very excited as I am feeling that this marriage is going to happen whether we like it or not. And honestly, I have to admit that it's not so much the fact that they want to get married - it's that they want to get married sooo soon. I truly feel that they need time to get to know each other. Someone said "Let Go, Let God" and I am thinking that is what we need to do now. We've said how we feel, we've told him how much we love him - It's time to let him have his life. It's time to have faith. Thanks again to everyone who has commented. I'll continue to check back - this has been a discussion!!!

Update March 7th - Well, it's been a while. My son and his finace are getting married on March 21st. He's done with school and has his duty station. He's heading home for 2 weeks and during that time they are going to be married. His fiance is here in Ca with us - she's been staying with us so we could have a chance to know her. She's a real sweet gal and I'm glad we've had the opportunity to learn more about her. We've tried to talk them into waiting still, but it's a no-go. They want to be married and no one is going to stop them - so we've decided to 'embrace' this and pray that things will work out. That's about all we can do at this point. They are so madly in love!

[Teri]

Hi Carmen...
Here is my two cents...Be supportive of your son, you do not want to alienate him BUT express your concerns. I married my ex-husband when I was 18...I was in college, he was working for the sheriff's dept in the town where we lived. White picket fence with dog, cat, and 7 yr old stepson. He was in the Army Reserves and was sent to Saudi for Desert Storm when our son was not quite 2 yrs old. The world came tumbling down...I changed when he was gone, I had to become far more independent when he was gone...in my early twenties juggling my house a then 9 yr old and a 2 yr old. Needless to say, we divorced. Ironically, my son in now in the Middle East but fortunately on a carrier. I think things would have worked if we had waited or maybe we never would have gotten married. My mother has such a huge objection to us getting married and our relationship that it permanently damaged our relationship. I think that if she had been there as a sounding board without being so judgemental, things would have turned out differently. Try to encourage him to get married after A school...I think things might be different. I was able to convince my son to wait until after A school and his girlfriend ended up breaking up with him....it all worked out. Just be there for him, don't push him away. And there is my two (or maybe it is thirty) cents!!!!

[Jan Golden]

Hi Carmen, our situation was a bit different but the results were not great. My son was in college 20 years old, a virgin. Met this girl (who had been around a bit ;) had sex for the first time and she got pregnant. He had a full schlorship to college. We always told our children that there are three things we would not accept and still help them pay for college. 1. A unplanned pregnancy. 2. A tattoo (man now looking back that would have been easier..lol) 3. If they were to commit a crime of any kind (I was district court clerk). So when they found out she was pregnant, they didn't tell us till she was 5 months along. He came home and told us he had some news for us. Sat us down and told us, he lost his schlorship and Danielle was pregnant! I thought someone had punched me in the stomach, but we handled it well. They got married, she talked him into going into the Navy. They gave me two beautiful grandchildren Andrea that will be 6 on the 10th and Daniel 5 on the 19 of January. But while Beau was in A school (he is a PO2 ET a NUKE) she started having an affair .As Sherry said with being in class so much and so many long hours. He found out and tried to work it out with her, more than most ever would. She found another sailor, divorced my son. The two children lived with us almost 2 years. Then she got pregnant with this other soldier, married him and now has two babies with him and he is now divorcing her. (What goes around....) I really wish I could talk to your son, as someone else said...they really need to wait. My son is always telling me that when they come back to port so many guys wives have found other men. One port a disgruntled sailor emailed the wives (not my son he was divorced, he learned his lesson the hard way) had done some things that were not good and emailed the wives and told them about their husbands. When they got back just about every one of those guys ended up getting a divorce. I never would have thought this would happen to us, we thought we did everything right. I try not to look at it as a negative because I adore my grandchildren, but now we have to deal with his exwife who is not the most stable person. Maybe if you tell him this story, maybe he will at least just wait at least till they know what its like to be apart. The Navy won't put them together, they will have even more problems. This sounds so negative, I'm sorry....but it's just the truth.

[Ruth, Gun's Mom]

I invite you to go to Moms of Divorced Sailors and read some stories. My son, if he'd been older, would have been smarter. He certainly is now!

[Sandy C ( Ryan's mom )]

Hi Carmen,
I can just amagine what your feeling. When it comes to love it can be very blinding. Kids seem to think it is all wonderful and getting married is a great thing. The problem is they don't realize just how much work is involved to make a marriage work. I have always told my son be sure of how you feel before you make any serious decisions in a relationship.
I am a big believer of letting kids learn things the hard way, The reason for that is no matter what we try to tell them, they are going to do what they want to do and sometimes that means making mistakes.
A year ago my son started dating a gal who had a 18 month old from a previous relationship, was I happy about it not really. I told him how I felt about it and just told him to be really careful. He realized that it was not the best situation to be in and broke it off with her. Tell your son your concerns, and tell him to step back and really think this through.

If you put a supportive tone behinde your words you maybe surprised in the decision he may make. He may decide that getting married at this time is not the thing to do.
Good luck
Sandy

[Carmen]

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I hadn't checked this discussion since I posted - I figured I was all alone in this situation. Oh boy was I wrong! I can't tell you all how much I appreciate every single comment - everyone single one was useful and supportive. To date, my son and his girlfriend have agreed to postpone the date - which I am truly grateful for. Andrew's dad and I wish to be a part of the day he marries the girl of his dreams.

For now we pray that he continues to do well in school and focuses on the future. He's a smart guy and we have to trust that he can make the best decision for himself now ( but I still can't help being the 'momma bear' every now and again).

I'll keep you all posted. Thanks again!!

[Catherine]

My husband and I met and married while we were still in high school. We now have three wonderful kids & will be celebrating our 7 year wedding anniversary this year. I can only say, please be careful how you treat his girlfriend. My husband's family members were not very nice to me & thought we wouldn't last. Sometimes I think comments that were made about me just made my husband more protective of me.

While I have received repeated apologizes for their behavior, it still hurts. No new marriage should have to start out with that kind of pressure. It sounds like you have raised him to be a good man - have faith that you raised him right and trust him to make the right choices for him and his future family.

[Carmen]

Thanks Catherine - I too, once had unpleasant words said about me early in my marriage. It is painful and I very much do not want to be the 'mother-in-law' from hell. I want to love and cherish her as much as I do my son. The hard part for me is not knowing her. The unknown is always scary - I think this gives me the most anxiety is not knowing what kind of a person she is. But I need to have faith in my son that he chose a girl that has the same qualities as him - loyalty, integrity, honesty, faith. And I think you know these things best through time. Time tells all.

Thanks again :)

[John and Yvonne Wagner]

Reading the many different stories on this thread brings up an interesting thought. Several people have mentioned that age really isn't the issue - maturity is. I believe maturity is a product of life experiences over time. Some people are really mature at 18 and seem more like they're 30. Others, at 30 seem like they are 18 in an old body.

Marriages end in divorce even when people are older when they get married. Other marriages last even when they start out young. It always seems to come down to the choices people make. Some people seem to be able to make good ones, others can't.

Yvonne and I got married when I was 21 and she was 22. We had been engaged for 18 months (we were together for only 30 days during that time). Finally, we decided we were going to do it. I was home on leave and didn't want to go back to my duty station without her. I had four days left on my leave (and got an extension of three more days). I talked with Yvonne's parents when we said we were going to get married before I went back.

Her dad tried to talk us into waiting until I got out of the Navy (six years!) because of the difficulties he had being married in the Navy and separated during WW II. But when I explained that the Navy offered a good solid pay check, free medical, free married housing or housing assistance, commissary prvileges, and all that, he realized I had thought it through. He also realized that the Navy of 1972 was a lot different than the Navy in WWII. It's even more family friendly today!

We got married and have been together for 36 years. While there are many hurdles and difficulties with getting married young, and while in the military, the security the Navy can offer is a definite plus for young people who want to start a married life together. In many instances, the chaplains, family service centers, and other family support programs the Navy offers can give two young people a lot more support than they would get if they were attempting to start married life in the civilian community.

This is just a little reply to help give a positive slant to this discussion. I hope it helps.

[Janis Dye]

Let him know this. My son is happily married to another sailor. They met while in Japan. I love her to death, but they have had a very rough go of it. Married couples CANNOT be under the same command. They were married for one year and only spent six months together--not exactly condisive to newlywed life. They were transferred stateside and are now living in Virginia. He is at one base, she another. They are mature and are workinh hard at their relationship. I cannot imagine an 18 year old working through this.
Jan

[Sherry James]

HI Janis,

I missed the ages of this young couple. And how long they had known each other before marriage.

[suzette champion]

Hi, i can feel for you there. My daughter was engaged before going off to Naval boot camp and was planning to marry this summer. Once, she got to boot. She learned that her fellow wasn't going to write her and there were so many more things to see and enjoy out there. She called off the engagement. So, my best advice is just tell your son to keep his options open and see what comes next. Life's to short not to enjoy it before you marry, is one of the things i have told my daughter. Best of luck.

[Linda (Dennis's Mom)]

I wish I could give you some advice to help you. Our son did pretty much the same thing. Started a relationship with a girl at home over Facebook, came home after tech school break, asked her to marry and thought they just couldn't wait. Married 5 months later after being miles apart. She lasted one month and came back. I'm just finishing up the paperwork for the anullment.

They're out on their own and away from the support of friends and family. They just cling to that relationship because it seems to be the only solid thing they can hold on to. I kept hoping that they would come to their senses over the 5 month wait but that never happened.

My only advice is to try to get him to delay the marriage until he can get more settled and make new friends. A week together here and there is not enough to find out whether you can live together forever. My heart goes out to you because this is such a difficult time.