My mom dosn't want me to leave

[jackie'sbabygirl]

Okay so i'm obviously not a "navy mom" but im a 19 year old college student at Bennett College for women. I've always wanted to go into the military and i excelled in JROTC in high school. I"m coming towards the end of my first year of college and i've decided to go to the Navy reserve until i'm finished with school and then go active duty. I probably wont be leaving for basic for a while but i have 12 months to do it. When i told my mom about my decesion she fliped!! It was a mix of all kinds of emotions first she was angry then she was really sad. My moms biggest fear is that i'll be called active duty and deployed. She just keeps repeating how she dosnt want to see her baby girl in anybody's war. As much as i try to reasure her that nothing will happen to me she only expects the worst. She is a single mom and i'm the first to leave, although i'm just a hour away from home she has sever seperation anxiety and gets really sad when i dont come home. She wants me to finish school before i do anything and she thinks that if i got to the reserve that i'll never finish scool. I respect my mothers opinion but i think that i'm old enough to make my own decesions and that its time for me to make my own path with my life. How can i convince her that i'm making the right decesion and that i'll be okay??

[Jenny]

Well Jackie,

I see it from both sides. I was a sailor, who left her mom (much of the same reaction as yours) and now I am a mom with a son that just finished basic training and is in "A" school.

There are no guarantees. You could, I am sorry to say get hit by a car tomorrow and that is it. Or, you could join the Navy, join the reserves, get called to active duty and something unspeakable can happen and you would be gone.

My dad was also in the Navy, and all my uncles were in one branch of the military or another and still, my mom did not want me to go. Her opinion lasted the whole time I was in. It caused a tremendous amount of stress in our relationship.

There are upsides and downsides to whichever path you choose. But, you do have to choose it and then live with the consequences. If you want to join the Navy, be advised, it is not as glamourous as you may be thinking right now. Even if you are going in to the reserves only. Make sure you get the school you want to get first. Do not settle for anything less than what you want, becaue you could get called to active duty and then, you are committed to do what you were trained to do.

I have zero regrets about my time in the military. I loved it. And as such it made me a very different woman that I would have been otherwise. There are both ups and downs to that too. (My wardrobe to this day is very much 2 colors and I am not into keeping up with fashion trends).

If you finish school first, you will go in as an officer (at least you should). That will make the experience completely different for you. You would have different opportunities. That is what I recommended for my son, but he insisted on going in now and finishing college later.


Best wishes to you whichever you decide.


You cannot live your life for your mom, but do not make a decision like this just to show you are grown up enough to make your own decisions. Do the research first and take it from there.

[sandra]

well first of all yes it is hard for any mom to let there kid go but with this great economy the kids these days wont go anywhere but if thay go in thay will have free college and a pay check no matter what !!! your mother will take it hard but in the long run you will be getting a great career and its paid for just tell her to look at it this way your going to college and you will be back as soon as you can that is what my son said to me and she can join the sight and it helped me tremendiosly it is the best sight my son has been in for one year and loving it god bless you all follow your heart

[Angela]

I'm not sure that you can convince her. If you have really thought this out throughly then you will just have to make the decision and trust with time she will adjust. My daughter is 20 and is leaving for bootcamp soon. It is not what I envisioned for her life, but in the end it is her choice. As parents though we have a responsibility to tell you how we see things and guide you towards the best possible future. It is natural for parents, especially mom's to feel protective and to worry for you. It might help to understand that when your child ventures away from you like this it represents a change for your mother as well. Her relationship will never be the same with you. It may be wonderful..but ...different..and...it is also symbolic of us getting older. We know things will change in our lives..but sometimes they happen sooner than we expected. Just reassure her of how much you love her, communicate frequently and visit as often as you can. She will...with time...trust that you have made the right decision...and you won't forget her.

Angela

[Colene]

OK...I guess I'll be saying some of what the other parents here have said, but I'll do it anyway (spoken like a true mom!)
My daughter also went into the Navy, and had signed up while still in Highschool. She spent almost a year in the delayed entry program waiting for her opening in the NUKE program. BUT...prior to signing up, she was slotted to go to WSU for nursing, accepted, FAFSA turned in, scholarships arriving, etc... THEN, she got the idea to join Navy for reserves to help with college and a little weekend adventure once a month. Once she went in and took the ASVAB and scored well, the recruiters effectively did their job, and diverted her from hospital corpman to NUKE. (Which was out of the blue and had nothing to do with anything she'd ever said she was interested in.) So...yep, the mom in me was like, WHAT??! But - I also knew she was always strong in math and science and enjoyed those things, and the nuke program is nothing if not a bunch of math and science and stuff I'll never be able to do. So...there she went. Just like that, she went from being in the reserves with a 2 year commitment, one weekend a month, to a 6 year active duty commitment. It was her choice to make. Gone. THAT was hard. But - I appreciate and value in her that at 19, it's now her life to live and experience. I miss her more than I can express, but I'm so proud of her I can't put it into words. She just arrived in Charleston this week to start her schooling.

Another point I have to make is this - I am adamant that in this country, we have freedom. And people clear back to the beginning have served our country to make that possible. Someone's kids have to go serve and protect our right to freedom today. There was no conceivable way I would have stopped my kid from serving this country if that's what they chose. I made that decision when they were small, having NO idea what direction they'd would someday go. I enjoy having choice and freedom, and so I would never presume to keep my daughter from serving to protect that freedom that I get to live in.

[LisaG-WA (PeteG's Mom)]

Ahoy there!

I am a Navy Mom, however, I am also a Navy Brat, a Navy Wife and most importunately, I am a retired Navy Mustang. To explain, I was enlisted for 11.5 years and a Navy Hospital Corpsman to the rank of HM1, where I was selected in a commissioning program and became an Ensign USN- a Hospital Administrator.

What relevance does this have to you? Although many years earlier than you, I too was going to an all girl college and dropped out after the first semester to join the Navy. It wasn't expected of me, I was expected to be the first college graduate in my family. Well, I did just under 25 years in the Navy, retiring as a LCDR. During active duty, I finished a BS and an MA with a double major (Business/IT) going to college at night, both before and AFTER I got married and had 2 children (one of whom is my beloved youngest son, a Navy FMF Corpsman-all of 19!)

You have to do what is right for you. You've seen the Army ads on TV. You can respect your parent and get her questions and concerns answered, I sure did. Even my OWN son, who quit the local Jr. college to join the Navy, did so as his own decision. We kept telling him if he wasn't 1000% sure, don't go in...we don't want wannabees in our Navy.

As for war, I am proudly 3rd generation Navy, and of course, my son 4th generation. There is no person who detests war more than the warrior. Though I'm sure you know, Freedom isn't Free and others before us have paid the price forward for the current generation.

My Dad, a WWII survivor of the sinking of the USS Wasp and a retired Navy Chief said it best. He said, "You don't have to worry about the bullet with your name on it, you only have to worry about the ones that are addressed: To Whom It May Concern.”

My interpretation of his sage witticism is that Life is way too short to not live it how You want to; doing what you feel compelled to do. You need to have Passion for what you do; if you do, you will have what they called in my generation of the Navy: It’s not just a job, it’s an adventure. That’s exactly what I had in the Navy, and still have in my current job, because I’m making it one.

The military was the best thing in my opinion, for me and my son (and many others.) I can sit here with a clear conscience and write to you that in the 12 years since I retired, every person I have had the pleasure of meeting through work (I’m in management and interview for hiring) who had some time in the military, albeit Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, etc., (although I'm always a little shaky about those Air Force folks...we do have our prejudices!) have always had that little Something Extra that set themselves apart as excellent prospective co-workers and team players. This is called LEADERSHIP. Everyone in the military is trained to be a Leader and conversely, must be a Good Follower. As I tell many of my friends, the training in the military is the best...it has to be to turn an 18 year old boy in to a young man who, less than a year later as an enlisted plane captain, becomes responsible for a Navy aircraft to the tune of several million tax payer dollars, when previously, he was lucky not to get his skateboard stolen!

Good luck, get your Mom on board, and Welcome Aboard yourself, Shipmate!

[Fran]

Not sure if I will help you or your Mom. My daughter is 22. She wanted to join after HS or ROTC in college but we were scared and said no and sent her off to college. She is now 22 and 3 colleges later will be going to boot camp in 9 days. I am scared but sometimes think we should have listened to her. She is very bright and talented and now the year she would/should have graduated from college she will be joining the Navy that she saw as her future long before we did. Not sure if this helps or hurts but despite my fears as a Mom, I really do believe this will allow her to be the person she wants to be and the NAvy will allow her to realize and actualize her potential.

[Melissa Crager]

I am a mother of 2 Sons in the Navy and the oldest one was taken such good care of that he convinced his brother to join also. I too am single now and alone but very proud of both sons. Boot Camp was rough not hearing from them. But after that the good cell phone keeps us in touch and they are both great at calling me. Your mom will be ok . I have a son in Bahrain . He is doing great I was scared too. But knowing other in this situation Helps. Good luck to you and your Mom

[Cheryl Lynn]

How are you doing in school??? I agree with NavyPop! The Navy is not going anywhere. My son decided to stop school because he was letting a bad personal relationship with a girl friend ( he is no longer seeing) affect his grades. He did great in the classes he loved- but, the others not good at all. He did not tell us soon enough and ended up with verry poor grades. Long story short- he ran out of money ( we paid for grades of B's or better because that is what he can do- his track history with grades proved it) He had wanted to join right out of high school- but, we had long diccussions on how important college education is. Any way- he joined after long discussions with us and we met with the recruiters after he did, initially. Our son, Bryan, wantes to be in the medical field- he chose Corpsman. Then chose FMF-Foreword Marine Forces. So he is in Iraq...I know first hand what your Mom is fearing. However, although you may pick a job in which you can be deployed- you do not necessarily need to be "in country" when you are deployed- which is where most of the action is- the action your mom fears. Let her know this.
I feel, too, you should finish school- reserve is the way to go if you are going to finish school before being active duty. You will move up and be respected because of finishing school. There will be more opportunities as well.
It is very hard to let go of your children- my son is my forst to let go of. It has it's life pain because, like your mom- I love my children so very much. My children have been in my life for so many years and I love them so much, it is hard to let go- even though we know we need to. We do not mean to be a pain about it. your mom might feel like me--youo were just babies yesterday--how can we let you go let alone to a war???
Your mom will look harder at you and discover how amazing you are, and how much more amazing you will become. I have always had pride and been a proud parent- but, WOW! When Bryan graduated boot camp, then Corpsman school- I saw the growth continue. Then he graduated FMF school. Trained to go to Iraq. We were able to go to California to see him off---What a man he has become. He plans to come home and go to paramedic school and continue down the path to become a Firefighter/paramedic. He is so looking foreward to this, more than ever. Now your mom can watch you grow even more- she thinks you are amazing- Just wait---she will think you are even more amazing.
You will choose what is right for you...Have her sign on to this site- I finally did last week--because I need support- I miss my baby. I will be happy to have her as my friend. Feel free to write back.

[Pelican]

Did you go to Bennett College in Greensboro, NC? If so I went to Elon Univ. in Burlington, NC. In that case I'd recommend you to go Officer instead of Enlisted if possible, but that's a side note. About your post, I'm kind of in the same boat. My parents are "supportive" but I know they don't want me to go because I'm their baby girl and they can't protect me in the Navy. I actually asked the exact same question when I joined N4M, How do I convince my rents that I'm making the right choice. I got several answers that were helpful. First, you are a big girl and you need to decide what is best for YOU, not anyone else (unless you have dependents). This is a huge commitment and life altering decision, and if it is what you think you need to do, great, but make the decision based on your needs not anyone else's. Second, from what I understand and have been told, most parents aren't too keen on their kids joining the military. If it is what you decide to do, they will likely come around eventually. All the parents I have talked to say that they were hesitant at first, but now they are proud of their sailors. Make sure you provide your mom with plenty of information, links, etc. so that she know that you are serious and so she can get the information she needs. The fact is, America is at war right now, and we will always need military to be active to ensure freedom and safety, so you will be deployed somewhere if you go on active duty. However, there are fewer injuries and fatalities from the current wars in Navy than there are in Army or other branches. I read a statistic saying that only 10 Navy women have died since 2003 in combat situations. Compare that to car wrecks and such and the Navy begins to sound pretty safe. I guess the thing I think you should know is be informed (confirm everything told to you by a recruiter with another source since they get bonuses for each one of us they enlist), help your Mom get informed with links/etc., and be firm in your decision.

[Diane Jefferson]

Don't worry your mom will come around. We moms always do. I was in her shoes about a year ago. But I understand now now and I am proud of my son.He been in the navy about two years. So I'll pray for you and your mom to come to an agreement of her understanding why you join the military. God bless

[Angie F.- WA: HM mom]

jbg- I really think you should print out this discussion and ask your Mom to please read it. She needs to know that her fears and tears are absolutely normal for any loving Mom, but that you aren't responsible for her level of happiness and you can't live your life to always just please her. Regardless of whether you join, she may need to talk to someone, no shame in that. (great support and understanding here onsite, but a professional may be needed to address her level of sadness, especially if it gets deeper and life interfering after you leave) She has to find things/interests/hobbies/activities now that bring meaning and joy to her life beyond her children, (for you will all leave at some point) to rediscover who she is. She can no longer protect you like when you were little and worrying to that extent (Separation anxiety) isn't productive or healthy for either of you. At some point, our job raising you is over and we have to open our clenched fist to launch you as a young adult out into the world, in whatever direction you want and need to fly. We still can be your strongest advocate, trusted adviser and cheerleader. You love and respect your Mom, that's obvious by the fact that you came here to us and posted your question. It shows you are a bright, caring and mature young lady and I know she must be already very proud of you. She did a good job and deserves a pat on the back for that! =)

You have to decide how best to achieve your goals. Depending on the Rating (job) you chose and whether you go Active or Reserve, there are sign on bonuses, reinlistment bonuses, the GI Bill and time to take courses aboard ship. Probably not in the first couple of years though, your degree will take a back seat to your training for a while. You will be studying how to become a Sailor in that first year, it's an all consuming job. My son averaged 5 hours sleep a night during BC and "A' school. Not much time for studying anything but the Navy and his specific job.

As far as the danger factor, you are enlisting now in a time of war, there are no guarantees. Sailors DO get sent to "the Sandbox", again it depends on your Rating and of course, the "Needs of the Navy" a term you will become quite familiar with! For example, they are not currently sending female Corpsmen to FMTB training (Field Medical Training Battalion) the first step to being attached to a Marine Division and becoming an FMF (Fleet Marine Force) Corpsman (I heard it is a year wait for females right now to get into the Corpsman Rating) because they cannot be sent into the Combat zone, though they can be in clinics and hospitals behind the lines. HM Sailors have received orders stateside and as far away as Guam, Japan and Italy. (Much farther than an hour from home!) So, take the time to do your research, know what the jobs are, and where and what you really would want to do, or don't. Your ASVAB score will determine what you qualify for too. Also really think about the difference between the Reserve and Active paths. You are welcome to drop in and question these Moms further about the parameters and pros and cons of being a Reservist:

http://www.navyformoms.com/group/navyreserves

My story: my son had two years of school under his belt, working towards a degree in Criminal Justice, a pre req if he want to serve in a government job (FBI, CIA etc) later, but also had some heavy school loans and was getting restless, he was ready to get out of our town and see some new scenery. He wasn't sure how much he was going to like the Navy, but had wanted to serve in the military somehow since he was a preteen. We are not a prior military family. All very new to me. Signing 6 years of your life away-as my friend Colene mentioned- is a whole 'nother thing, so he went the conservative Reserves route... and now regrets not going Active Duty. It is VERY hard to change (before 2 years is up anyway) so be as sure as you can that that is what you want to do! Being an NAT Reservist will get you some $/benefits and get you home soon enough to resume your studies. You will not have medical benefits or get paid much, (though you can advance in paygrade) or qualify for all the GI bill benefits, so you may have to work PT. He was gone to BC for 8.5 weeks, had two weeks of INDOC training (all new Sailors do) then classed up at HM "A" school and like Lisa G's son, was there for 14 weeks. The difference is, that after graduation, while her A.D. son went on to further training, my son came home and only had two more weeks of paid Active Duty status before reporting in to his local Duty station as a Reservist. Back to the same job (thankfully a good one as non career jobs go) he'd had before he left for BC and down to drilling once a month, (boring, from most reports I've heard from him and others) with 1-2 weeks of Active Duty training to look forward to during the year. There's always the possibility of being deployed, but he'd more likely backfill a stateside position of an A.D. Sailor that is deployed overseas. He is trying to change his contract and does plan to complete that degree, but probably not for a couple more years. He can't see going back to a college campus now, his thinking and maturity level is vastly different now. He couldn't stomach the atmosphere, but that's just him.

Oh, one irony, go figure, all my worries early on about the dangers of training and serving, he was home for less than a month when some nut ran a red light and totaled my son's car! :( He was fortunate not to be hurt. I actually worry more about him now, driving our city streets late at night, out with his friends, than I ever did in all the time he was away. I suppose that it may be different if he's ever deployed, but the military (and our Sailors) fully understand the risks and they spend a LOT of time training to be prepared. You will learn much about teamwork and grow up even more, see the world and have the adventure of a lifetime, YOUR lifetime. Do whatever you feel in your heart is the wisest and best choice for you, embrace the journey, regardless of what path you chose. I'm sure your Mom will be praying hard for you the whole time and so proud of the young adult you become. If you decide to become a U.S. Navy Sailor, she doesn't have to approve of the war, just support the warrior. I hope she comes aboard this site and learns whatever she can. Knowledge dispels fear and accurate information is a powerful tool. She'll learn from the best here, just like I did. I invite her and you to join this Group too:

http://www.navyformoms.com/group/deppersinbutnotyet

Good luck to you and God Bless! :-)

[Cynthia P.]

You're do have a right to live your own life, but it is tough on a mom, especially the first one. I have 3 sons in the military. and my middle son just left to go in the Navy Reserves. He is looking forward to the extra money and the help with his education costs. You will be fine, and in the end your mom will be fine. She has to realize that she has to let go of you, and then make a life for herself as well. Been there done that, she will be ok Honey, go out into the world and make your own way! You are entitled and in the end your mom will be proud of you!