My son recently joined the Navy Reserves but he has PTSD from being in the Army.

[Honeydo49]

My son recently joined the Navy Reserves after being out of the Army for 4 years. He has a family and is having marital problems. We all figured he joined to get away from his problems, so before they signed him, I wrote to the reserve unit and informed them that I felt he was doing this to get away. I also ask them to take this into consideration when they interviewed him. I know it costs a lot to train good sailors and thought they might really look into this for fear in a year he would realize he had made the wrong choice. They laughed at my letter and called me a helicopter Mom when he went for his interview. Now we just found out that he has PTSD from serving in Iraq. This time I called the Reserve Unit and ask what options he would have because of the PTSD. The gentleman I talked with seemed genuinely concerned and said he would talk with his superior and get back to me. Instead of doing this he called my son and informed him that I had called. Ask my son if he felt he had things under control, which my son said yes to. That was it!!! Now I know it's just the reserves but my son plans on asking to be deployed soon so he can go back "and finish what he started". We have no idea what this means. I also found out that when, I'll call my son Flip, Flip was at the Reserve Unit a few months ago, this ENC and a bunch of the people that were signing up went out, got drunk, jumped the locked gate at the swimming pool in the hotel they were staying in and went swimming. My son broke his ankle and was told to lie about what really happened. I am beside myself on what to do. My son is only 26. I don't feel I can trust anyone at this Unit because of how they laughed at my first letter. I am truly concerned for Flips mental health and his life. Helicopter Mom or not I can't stand idly buy. Please someone advise me on what I should do. Not for just my son, but for his precious family also.

[Honeydo49]

Flip has already admitted he has PTSD since I last wrote. He has gone for help through the VA center and was told it could take as long as 4 or 5 months to get help because he's been out of the Army for so long. He's getting very discouraged and so am I. How dare they deny him immediate help? The Army is totally different then the Navy. My son was shocked when they encouraged him to lie about his ankle. Maybe this is the difference between being a reserve unit and being Army enlisted. Someone told me at the reserve units their only concern is making the next pay grade, in other words, being promoted. I'm not sure what would happen to the ENC if I should go public with the drinking and what happened after. But I am also concerned what would happen to my son now that he went along with this lie. I know you have been through this for 40 years, but I can't let that happen to my son. That's 40 years of falling down a deep hole over and over again. I tried several times to get myself help because I was a battered wife. Trust me when I tell you, there is no help unless you help yourself. Nobody really cared. The consensus was unless I left him no one could help me. Before all this broke wide open Flip was a fabulous father and husband. He seems to have done a complete turn around. He doesn't care about his wife or his kids. He's still living with them, but he's like a robot just going through the motions. I need to contact someone in the Navy who will take me seriously.

[Honeydo49]

Wow, did you hit the nail on the head. You have given me the strength to go on. Really. No one goes with my son to his appointments. I think this is where we've gone wrong. I will talk with my daughter in law today and let her read this. Right now my son has cut me from his life because he feels I brought this all out and his career is ruined. I didn't tell you this part. I have had to be the bad cop through all this. It was our plan from the beginning. Someone had to and I didn't want it to be his brother or his wife, so I played the part. Threatened, made phone calls, wrote letters. I was bound determined I couldn't let him put himself in harm's way again. Like I said in the beginning. I thought he was just trying to get away from his family, never guessed it was PTSD. He won't admit to me what happened in Iraq, but I know some of it through his friends and it would have traumatized any human. I can't hold him and tell him I understand because then he would know there is someone around him he can't trust. So for now I remain on the outside looking in. Thank you Ruthella. I will pray that your husband someday will find peace. We all have things in our past that we have never forgiven ourselves for, but God has forgiven us a long time ago. I write these words, but I still feel the pain when I think of some of the things that haunt me. I want this behind me and my family. I pray I live long enough to reunite my loved ones. As wives and Mothers, we are only as happy as our family is. There has always been a lot of laughter when we are together. No matter what we were going through, as a family or individually, we found something to laugh about. We need to find that again. I will not stop checking in with you if you don't mind. I have no one else right now to give me encouragement. I'm a pretty good listener to if you ever need me. Been around a long time on this earth and have seen a lot. Forever grateful, Honey

[Honeydo49]

You have taught me one thing for sure, I don't go out of the house much as I've been fighting my own battle with PTSD, war unrelated of course. I've known for a long time that I was fighting depression and now realize whether I like it or not, it has affected my family as well. I need to change my own life too so I can be strong for my kids. Another revelation. My daughter in law is a very strong person and worships the ground my son walks on. That's the easy part. I pray she will not get to the point where she gives up the fight. Flip is nice to her but comes right out and tells her he doesn't know if he loves her anymore. He has attached himself to a website for veterans with PTSD and there is this girl who was wounded in Afghanistan that he has been texting, calling and even traveling to meet. My daughter in law says she is afraid if she gives him an ultimatum he will leave. We have tried everything we know to get him away from her and these so called friends on this website, but everything we try just pulls him closer to these people who "wish" they could go back and finish what they started. He even got a tattoo that says "damaged goods" because this is what these other people are going to do. This is just the latest in this drama. What next? I am going to the Vets Center tomorrow to ask for help. Again, thank you for bothering with me and all your great advice. I'm so glad I found you. Honey

[sHpRdOfTrUtH]

every command has an OMBUDSMAN which is the direct line to the Commanding Officer so if you feel if this is important you might find it on the commands website or kick stones around to find out who it is. This OMBUDSMAN is also a civilian for a reason for non bias and she/he is required to report to the Command Master Chief or the Comanding Officer.

[Honeydo49]

BINGO TY

[Honeydo49]

I told you before that I have had to be the "bad cop" but I didn't really tell you to what extent. This hatred, and I know that is what my son is feeling right now, for me is breaking my heart. I had to get him so upset that he had no other choice but to look inside himself and get help. I used every tool I could think of. I even called this woman's husband and told him what I thought was going on. I instructed my daughter in law to pretend she didn't know what I was doing and to even tell my son that she thought I was nuts too. I needed to let Flip think I was the one that was crazy. My daughter in law plays the good cop so he doesn't push her even further away. I had my other son tell Flip that he thought I was nuts too, just so Flip would feel he had people in his corner and so he wouldn't feel alienated. We had to keep him thinking "what will she do next" so he would have to reach out for professional help. I couldn't take the chance he would destroy the people that loved him so much. So I became the devil's advocate. I pray every day that someday we will be able to tell him the truth so that he won't hate me anymore. I wasn't even allowed to go to my granddaughter's birthday. My heart is heavy, but I know God walks with me every step of the way. I absolutely believe this was a divine intervention. You are the only one that has listened to my ramblings. lol God bless you and yours.

[Honeydo49]

That was strange. It usually has "Reply to this" after each one of your messages. The last one didn't so I had to come to my last message. Hope you can find this. Flip and his family are in California for the week next week. They're at the Naval clinic for veterans for Afghanistan and Iraq. This was planned some time ago when we all thought, even my son, that he was just having marital woes. My DIL found this place. It's free and the whole family goes. We're hoping the PTSD comes out there. I went to their website and read some amazing things it's called Project Coming Home. My dear 82 year old Mother has alzheimers. I was her and Dad's main caretaker when he was alive and they still lived in their home. After Daddy passed 2 and 1/2 years ago we soon realized Mom was worse. My brother tried having her live with him and for a short while we tried taking turns while keeping her in her own home. Because my husband is an alcoholic my sister and my brother wouldn't let me bring her here to live. I don't believe in these homes. I've seen too much in the last 2 years to trust them. So we go out 3 times a week and bath her, do her hair and take her with us to different events. She weights over 250 pounds and is only 5 ft. tall. She uses a walker, but because she only walks to the diningroom and back 3 times a day is loosing her ability to walk. Her doctor has her on two of the newest alz. meds so she still knows us all and sometimes amazes us as to what she remembers. I still spend the most time with her because my sister and brother both own businesses that consume them. Anyway, both my parents loved the Lord and if we ever needed a prayer answered fast we would go to my Mom. This is my kids too. It was joke for a while we'd say come on let's call Gigi (for great grandmother) and have her pray. She has a direct line to God. And wallah!! The prayer was answered, it never failed. Well I went out today to bath her and do her hair and she took one look at me and said what's wrong, so I told her knowing she wouldn't fret or remember it in the next 5 minutes. She said come on let's pray about it. So we hugged each other and she prayed and I listened to every wonderful word. It's so strange how she will repeat herself and ask the same questions over and over in a matter of minutes, but when she talks to the Lord she doesn't miss a beat, no matter how long the prayer is. I should have gone to her weeks ago. lol The only thing my Mom wants is to go home to her Lord, but I guess he knows I still need her here. She's a pistol. The nearly blind man that sets at her lunch table caught her trying to steal his cookies the other day, so she threw them at him. She's a diabetic and gets sugarfree everything, but she was always a chocoaholic all her life. The girls seem to like her and they tease her a lot, but there's one woman who is at this home (The Presbyterian Home) that still has a good part of her mind and she tells me horror stories. So I have to constantly be on their tails, but I do it with tact. Well until one day I walked in at dinner time and saw there was nothing on her plate. She didn't like what they were having and they refused to get her anything else. They were having spanish rice which I don't even like!! My Mom is a real picky eater anyhow. I just ask her if she had eaten anything and the girl that ran the kitchen heard me. She practically ran out of the kitchen, put her finger in my face and said point blank, "she likes tomato sauce and she likes rice!" Very softly,partly because I was in shock, I said, "but she doesn't like spanish rice and either do I." I then looked at my Mom and said, "Mom I'm leaving but I will bring you back a pizza." And I left. I got to my car and just started shaking. All kinds of things were going through my head, like how many times have they done this to her. Do they hurt her. etc. I started crying, called the pizza order in and then called my brother who has power of attorney. He has always ignored my pleas to find a nicer place for my Mom but I was just so upset I wanted him to be upset too. You know, misery loves company. Well he shocked me this time. He set up a meeting with the head of the home and all 3 of us went in and filed a complaint. There were other things too so we unloaded everything. Well they fixed things and started charging us $20 more dollars a day. We now pay over $100. a day for my Moms care and then we still have to bath her and keep an eye on the cleanliness of her room. I guess all these places are the same. My point here is I don't just have my hands full with Flip but my Mom and my husbands health now too. He has COPD and has had pneumonia for 2 months now. He also has leukaplakia which is pre cancer cells in his mouth and he fell while working and is on crutches because he can't walk very well. They say the Lord only gives us as much as he knows we can handle. I say, from up there, it must look like I have pretty broad shoulders. lol The Lord and I have a special relationship. I crack myself up because I think I'm really funny and I can hear him laughing at me too. I know he just waits for me to start unloading on him. I believe he even looks forward to it. I don't really pray I just talk to him. Some of our conversations start out, Hey God it's me again and I can just see him smiling. So now tonight I have put this back in his hands and will wait and pray that a lot of good comes out of this week at the retreat. My baby will get help and find it in his heart to forgive me for smothering him. Hope you had a safe trip. I just talked to God and ask him to bring you back safe. So it's a done deal. Sincerely your friend, Honey

[NavyDCmomma]

Since you are posting publicly I assume you are wiling to listen to anyone's take on your situation.

Be very careful..., I understand your plight and your caring for him and his family. But, you all are interfering with his unfinished business, a healing process...and, you are all lying to him...no one is being truthful and building trust WITH him.

That is the basis for severe anxiety and mental illness when you don't know who to trust or where to turn because everyone (including your mother and wife) lies to you!...would you want that done to you?

I am just suggesting that you really think of his mental health and whether or not telling on him to promote your agenda is the right thing to do...God bless you, your soldier and his dear family.

[Honeydo49]

Thank you for your input. I honestly can understand your position. Since this has all begun my son has been diagnosed with ptsd and bipolar disorder. He is now in a program under a psychologists care. We, of course, don't know what is discussed at these sessions, so that's all I can tell you other than, if I hadn't been the block in his road, he may never have gotten any help. I know my son, I knew there was something wrong, I talked with numerous people, listened to what they had to say and then did what my heart and soul told me to do. Hopefully he is on his way to recovery. You ask would I want it done to me? My answer is, yes. If I needed help and didn't realize I was sick---absolutely yes, for my loved ones if nothing else.

[Honeydo49]

ruthella, at the bottom of this page there should be a place where you can click on that says notify me when there is something posted to this. That's how I knew you had contacted me. So much has happened. My son is getting help but I believe it is because he just wants everyone off his back and not because he feels he needs it. He has pushed me completely out of his life, but I have hope that someday soon he will realize what I did was out of love. I haven't been able to see the baby. My daughter in law is afraid she will tell her dad. I am on antidepressants and they do help, but I miss them all terribly. A couple they meant in California are up this weekend and I guess this guy is no one to mess with. He tells it like it is. My son has a lot of respect for him so I'm hoping he will be able to get thru to Flip. He started his sessions at the VA hospital, but it's going to be a long haul. This friend has pulled every string he can to get our son help. When the Navy said it would be 4 to 6 months before they could get him in, this guy made one phone call and within 24 hours Flip was allowed to sign himself in for 72 hours. I will keep you posted. Thank you again for your help and your prayers. Sincerely Honey