An Open Palm-the transition into adulthood for a Mom and her Sailor

[Angie F.- WA: HM mom]

Ladies-this is a Blog I originally wrote back in August '08 when my son had finished BC and was in the first few weeks of "A" school, the second stage of his Navy journey. I'm proud to report that he graduated -with distinction -and is well on his way to pursuing the rest of his dreams. Thought my reflections might be helpful to you Depper moms just starting out. I wonder perhaps if it would have been harder for me if he had just graduated from HS, if I was a single Mom or he was my only child. You'll have to let me know your experiences. :-) God Bless!

One of the hardest things as a Mom is knowing when to release your grasp and let your child spread his wings. From the moment they arrive, we snuggle them close, nurse them, protect them fiercely, intercede, advocate, sacrifice and generally go over the top to make sure they have everything they need to be happy, safe and successful. It is not a job for the faint of heart. Often, we find ourselves holding onto them with clenched fists, the world beyond our safe harbor can be such a cruel and scary place. It's natural to want to close ranks around them and keep them in, to want them to stay where we can continue to watch over them and control what affects them. Especially if you are not sure if they know what they are doing.

I remember when my son was about 15, he was obsessed with dying his hair blond. I knew of course, that it would look awful and streaky in his thick dark hair, but he was determined! Guess I should be thankful he wasn't fixed on piercing something or a tattoo (both of which he did in college later, go figure!) but I was the Mom and I was equally determined it wasn't going to be. So, I simply outsmarted and outwaited him... I gave my permission on the condition that he let my Uncle who is a hairstylist do it (who lived 300 miles away, guess how many times a year we saw him) and that he wait until we had our family portrait done. Guess how long it took for that to happen?! Yep, until the desire faded. =) Diabolically sneaky and underhanded I know, but sometimes a moms gotta do what a moms gotta do...what amazes me is that even though he was persistent, he never caught on or raised a huge stink.! He's very smart and wasn't one to disobey, suppose he figured it wasn't worth the fight. [the Mom in me just hopes it's because he realized how incredibly wise I was! =) ]

But at some point, that clenched fist must become an open palm, a place to receive whatever your fledgling adult offers and a launching pad for them into the world beyond, sometimes into the unknown. This is especially so when your precious offspring decides to join the Military! The launching process is suddenly accelerated and even the most "adjusted and open minded" Moms can be thrown for a loop! I know I was, and since I did not have any prior military experience or history of service on my side of the family, I was probably not as open minded as some. I was concerned, intrigued and downright scared. Still, I knew this one I could not outthink, outsmart or outwait him on. It was going to happen, one way or another. He'd been living on his own for two years; seeking my/our blessing and understanding was a loving, honorable courtesy on his part. I have always been a roll up my sleeves and get involved in the process kind of person, so I set about to educate myself (hubby was on board already) and then had a nice long chat with his recruiter. Poor guy! I didn't mince words or spare his feelings, I asked the tough questions and expected honest, informative answers. This was the only way I could come to terms with and get a handle on my son's choice.

I have spent countless hours in the bleachers at school events, cheering him on, I wasn't going to disappear now. I knew that he would still need my support and encouragement, just in a different way. This is what Moms do. The trick is to find a way to do it in a way that is not intrusive or obstructive and allows them to slide into the role of grown up seamlessly. A tall order for sure, one that takes dying to my own selfish needs to hang on, to smother, to delay the inevitable, but one that has immense rewards. My son called from Hospital Corpsman "A" school the other day. He's really enjoying the process of learning to be a Medic, something we never anticipated! The little boy I used to protect and whose wounds I used to tend, has now assumed the role of Protector and Healer. He's also been impressed at how much I've learned since being on N4M's! He told a fellow classmate (who's Mom is also on N4M) "I think my mom knows more about the Navy than I do!" :) He calls now to ask me to look things up and find out information for him, he calls to keep me up to date, he calls because he knows I will swallow my fears and listen, pray, support and encourage him no matter what. He calls because he know that like the God who created him, I love him unconditionally. I was the first person he told that he'd been asked to be Platoon Leader for his class. He was weighing it out and asked for (needed) my input. That is my role now, still nurturer, cheerleader and prayer warrior, but now reflective sounding board and trusted adviser, always and forever Mom.

[Jor-Jean (AM Kyle )]

Thank you for sharing all of your knowledge. As I read your blog, you nailed every emotion and concern Moms go through , not to mention an understanding of the letting go process. I to have found that my role has changed. I will always love the little boy who entered my life 18 years ago, now I'm learning to embrace the youngman he has become. Thank you for sharing.

[Michelle (EOD Mom)]

Thank you for sharing this. It means alot.

[Carole]

Beautifully written and so very true!! I am one that is having trouble opening my fist! I admit that! I feel like I am about to launch my son into the real world like a plane is catapulted off an aircraft carrier! And I can't go with him! That's so tough, but you are so right, that our role as Mom will never stop but it will change! That's the way the Lord wants and designed it to be! Thank you for sharing your wisdom! It's probably appreciated more than you are aware of!

[Kris]

Thanks for sharing this post, as I read, it hits on alot of the same emotions I have. I am a single mom and he is my only son, entering the navy just out of high school, we are extreemly close so bittersweet is how i would describe this experience at this point. I am both excited for him and the experiences he will have but also sad to see this stage of his life come to an end. Needless to say as his day of departure for boot camp approaches the well of emotions are begining to overflow.
Thanks again for sharing.

[cameowlot]

Thank you for sharing! I was having a hard time opening my palm. My oldest son is leaving for MEPS tomorrow. Your blog helped me. My son is such a big part of my life, and we are very close. Letting go is so hard. I love him, and am proud of his choices, and realize he needs to spread his wings now. Does this get any easier?

[Angie F.- WA: HM mom]

Carole, Kris and Cameowot, you are very welcome. I'm thrilled that my little musings have touched and helped you all so! Just shows that even though our circumstances are different, our Mom hearts beat the same. You will experiance many emotions throughout the journey, it can be quite a roller coaster at times!

Oh, and yes, it does get easier, in some ways, especially once Boot Camp is over. But there are always new stages, phases and challenges to go through. Such is life. That's why it's good to stick around here far beyond BC, you will need the support of the friends you make here and they'll need you. We're all in this together. Our Sailor's can only benefit from all this Navy Mom love and encouragement! Bless you all and your Sailors to be. =) Hang in there!

[Kim, Phil's Mom]

As I was reading your blog, I felt my throat close up and my heart clench. My son doesn't leave until 10/6 (which just so happens to be my birthday as well as my mothers), but I've been as nervous as a cat since he signed up. It's hard, very very hard not to fall apart everytime I think about him leaving. Please don't get me wrong, I am so very proud. I'm just dreading the transition of letting him go and grow into the fine young adult I know he will be. Reading your words are encouraging and I know with the support of N4M's and this website, I'll make it through.

[Barb]

Angie, Wow. I probably shouldn't have read this at work. What a heartfelt editorial on what we as moms do. So far I have done very well with my son joining the Navy. Ofcourse when I met my husband he was in the AF so military life is not new to us however we were expected to have a whole year before he left. We found out last friday that he leaves on August 31. less than 1 week now. I'm still doing well but I know my time will come when I break down. You see I admit that I am what you would call a typical "helicopter mom" I always hover around so this whole idea of them growing up and leaving is going to be a challenge for me. I wholeheartedly support him and I am very proud of his decision, it will just be hard to see him go. I know he will do well as will I eventially. Thank you so much for this awesome advice. I will take to heart.

[beachcomber]

Thanks for sharing. Very proud of our only child's decision to serve in the Navy, yet deeply struggle with the thought of long absences and fear for his safety. Praying nonstop. As much as I'd love to stow away, this is HIS adventure story. I'm just watching and cheering on the sidelines.

[Angie F.- WA: HM mom]

Kim, I know his Ship Out date (I refer to it as "release day" for us) will be extra rough for you, but you'll make it. Have you joined the Leavin' for Bootcamp in Oct. Group yet and connected with those Moms? There's a link to it in the DEPpers Discussions. Hang in there. You'll be o.k, in time.

LOL Barb, sorry to catch you offguard! Probably should have a big red warning label on this one huh?! He should have left by now. How are you doing? Have you joined the Boot Camp Moms Group yet? Hope reading this helped you 'unhover" a bit and take a deep breath before he left. :) Happy to offer something you found useful. The first three weeks are the hardest. You hang in too! :-)

Beachcomber-you are welcome. It must be really tough to send your only child out in service to our country. Many of us have others still at home to distract, comfort and help us. I'm sure you'll make a great Navy Mom. =) I suspect you are where I was early last summer. You'll slowly get the hang of all this, but it's definitely not easy. Good thing loving them and being proud of them is! Those prayers, and those of other navy sisters on site, REALLY help too! It's one other way we can still support and "protect' them. You will always miss him, especially on special occasions, and worry about him, but you learn to deal with things as they come and not focus to much on the future and all the "what ifs" that cause debilitating fear. Their training really is second to none! You're right, it WILL be quite an adventure! God Bless.

Big (((HUGS))) to you all!

[mother always]

Because I do'nt know that much english to write all those" Mom feelings" down so beautifully expressed I just can say they describe the way I'm feeling.
When my son started high school I started looking for universities,colleges here in PR and in the states. but he was'nt interested;all he could think of was entering the military,either Air Force or Navy, soon I understood that I was like we say here "against the water flow" and I started looking info about all,I'm steel learning...
I'm trying to adjust myself,I thought that I was prepared for this separation but deep down I know I'm not;I'm praying for this because sometimes I feel like my heart is breaking apart (of course I do'nt tell any of this to him) for him I'm in control.
This is worse when you are alone...thank GOD for you N4M's!! (that's why my name is mother always...)

[deemedic]

This is a beautiful post and captures my heart and thoughts to the tee, thanks so much!!