Deb-Bub's Proud Mom's Page

They've crushed my soul”….

I sure hope someone can help me understand those words. My son said those words to me. “They've crushed my soul”…. I understand the meaning of each word. What I can not comprehend is the concept. “They've crushed my soul”……………

I am so very, very confused, frustrated, angry, disappointed, bitter and I am feeling things even my ex-husband couldn't bring out in me. Wow. I told my self things would work out. Things would be ok. And someone would see the error that was made and correct it. A very simple thing to do. Nothing that would require the signature of the President. Not a federal case. But it has sure been made to be more than correcting a mistake. I was sure there was someone who cared more about the “Good of the NAVY” than how admitting a mistake would look. Someone who would not make this a personal vendetta and work so hard to misplace the responsibility. The Navy has a lot already invested in him to just toss him aside.

However, the more time passes the worse things get. And now my son has said to me “They've crushed my soul”…..

Here is the short version:
On April 15th he was told he had sinusitis

Late in the evening, on April 16th he was taken to the VA Hospital by ambulance with a fever and coughing up blood – He was told he had pneumonia and 40% lung capacity in his left lung. He was kept for a few hours, given fluids and meds and sent back to the unheated building where he had been living. I got the call from the base in response to my call to the Red Cross at 1:35 am Friday April 17th telling me that he was in fact still at “medical” being given fluids and antibiotics. I was told I would receive a call at 8:00 am my time with an update on his condition. A call I did not receive. I was told to feel free to call the base anytime. What I did receive was a call from my son asking me to please, please not make a fuss over all of this. He was going to be ok. He was feeling better and wanted to rest and to get ready for the test now less than 72 hours away. His biggest concern was getting rolled.

On April 20th he was cleared by an E-2 Corpsman to take the following test:
1000 meter swim (with fins) – 20 minutes
70 push-ups – 2 minutes
60 sit-ups – 2 minutes
10 pull-ups – no time limit
4 mile run – 32 minutes

Result of the test:
1000 meter swim (with fins) – 20 minutes - SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED in 19 minutes
70 push-ups – 2 minutes - SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED 72
60 sit-ups – 2 minutes - SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED
10 pull-ups – no time limit – SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED 11
4 mile run – 32 minutes – FAILED – AFTER 3 ¼ MILES. HE PASSED OUT ON THE TRACK BECAUSE HE WOULD NOT QUIT.

I apologize for shouting. No, I do not apologize. I want to shout. I want to scream. I want the whole world to know the courage it took for him to do this with less than a 72 hour recovery period. I want the whole world to know he had made a commitment to his boat crew and he was going to do everything he could to honor their commitment to him by not taking a “medical” out. He could have told the E-2 Corpsman how he was really feeling. But he did not. He begged and pleaded with the him to clear him so he could go with his boat crew to BUD/s. My concern was for him. I did not want him to do it because, at 19 he does not want to accept the fact that he is a mortal. What 19 year old does? They all think they are invincible. SpecOps mentality is a rare breed in and of its self. If you know someone in SpecOps, you know what I mean. If you don't, it's very hard to explain, but my son has it, always has had it.

He has always been very healthy. He was in perfect health when he went to BUD/s Prep and was healthy until he got sick on the 14th. He had good numbers until that point.

He was a body builder and competed in 2007. He took 2nd place in his weight class. He felt his biggest accomplishment was not the fact that he took 2nd place, but that he did it without steroids.

My questions now are: Why was he cleared? Why didn't someone question that? Why was he allowed to fail? I have spoken to several doctors and nurses and have been told there is no way he should have been cleared that soon to take that kind of physical test no matter how much he begged and pleaded. In fact, he could have very seriously hurt himself. They were amazed he made it as far as he did. He had been without proper nutrition and rest for 5 days. Many fail that test when they are perfectly healthy.

He was told he shouldn’t have gotten sick! Like he had a choice! He was in a building with no heat. He was exposed daily to those who had various stages of various communicable diseases. I’m amazed he stayed as healthy as he did for as long as he did. I’m even more amazed he recovered as quickly as he has. He did not choose to have a fever for 4 days. He did not choose to cough for 3 days. He did not choose to vomit for 3 days. He did not choose to be unable to eat, drink or sleep for 3 days. He did not choose to get pneumonia. He did not choose to fail.

He did choose to do his best to serve his country to the best of his ability. He did choose to eat, sleep and live NAVY for months before enlisting. He did choose to get up every day at 4:30am to PT. He did choose to seek out mentors to help him be the best he could be. He did choose to make the numbers he needed to become the Best of the Best. He did choose to commit to his country to give his very life in defense of her beliefs. He did choose John Paul Jones’ quote as his own. He did choose to leave me to be a part of something so much greater than us all. Just like every other candidate vying for one of those coveted positions at BUD/s he chose to give everything he had every day.

I would expect nothing less from our special forces. And quite frankly, I would not have supported his decision to serve in that capacity had he not first proven to me his commitment. I’m sure there will be a time, and perhaps many times, he will face a lot worse than sleeping in an unheated building and being exposed to diseases. I understand that and that I can accept. What I can not accept is the lack of support he has received at this stage of his career.

Now, he has been labeled a “sore looser” for asking why he was not given the same treatment and opportunity others received. I'm sure he was “sore”. I'm sure his chest was sore. I'm sure his lungs were sore. I'm sure his stomach was sore. I'm sure his back was sore. I'm sure his head was sore. But I wonder who the real “looser” is. What bothers me most is now his heart is sore…. “They've crushed my soul”…. He is being told he had better just accept it. His life in the Navy can be made very hard on him. They can beat him down and play minds games all they want. “They've crushed my soul”……. How very, sad.

In my original post - My Son is Out - I asked if it was fair. A member responded: “Navy's goal is not to be fair to sailors, their goal is to chose best of the best and do what is nessecery.” Ok, so fair was not the word to use. I can't get those words out of my head. “Do what is necessary. Best of the Best”…… I am trying really hard to accept this. I am trying really hard. I'm just not doing a very good job. Please know this is not a personal attack of any kind against the member who posted that. If anything, I'm grateful for those words. It helps to know it’s not supposed to be personal. I understand WHAT happened. I just can't get a grip on the WHY and the HOW it has come to this. “They've crushed my soul”…

Isn’t it the Best of the Best who give unselfishly of themselves without regard to personal health and welfare when it is Necessary? Isn’t it the Best of the Best who are willing to risk everything for the “team” when it is Necessary? To My Son, My Hero, in his little part of this vast world, that was what needed to be done, at that time. He did just that. He risked it all for his team. In my humble opinion he has shown all the qualities of the Best of the Best when Necessary. I had hoped there would be those who would be able to see and recognize the Best of the Best doing what was Necessary.

"You have to be able to endure a lot of physical pain, emotional pain and you just have to dig deep," said Master Chief Paul Tharp. http://abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=news/local&id=6763316

How much deeper can a person dig than their soul?

He is beat down. But he is not out. Not by a long shot. He is a strong kid. He is a good friend and he is my personal hero. His perseverance has only made me more proud of him. I’m a lucky woman to be able to call him MY SON.

I have been told members on here just love to tattle and carry stories from here to their military contacts. Well, you know what? Go right ahead and take this one to whom ever you want. I really hope someone has Master Chief Tharp's or the Command Master Chief's personal e-mail address. I welcome an impartial assessment of this situation. I understand this is on a public post and there may be the unfortunate and unhappy person to respond with ugly and mean comments. So, to you I say, Take your best shot.