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Does anyone have advice for a former girlfriend?  Her ex texts her most every day, and he calls occasionally.  She sometimes ignores his calls and texts, but he doesn't give up.  They were together almost two years, engaged, and during A school he changed and decided to end things.  She was devastated, but now seven months later, she is beginning to move on with her life.  She hasn't found another guy – she has a huge trust issue now because of what happened.  She just can't figure out if her ex is just lonely as he has few friends back home and those don't seem to care if he keeps in touch or not, or if he is trying to hang onto her without being committed.  Of course, some of his texts are apparently about sex and nothing else.  He claims to have changed, but she says when it comes to her, nothing has changed – still treats her like crap and they argue sometimes – almost as if they were still together.   Has anyone else had this type of situation or know of someone who did, and how did they handle it?  She really wants to stay friends with him, but he doesn't seem to want to always carry on a decent conversation.

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I should have stated that he is in the Navy, not her.  She found out that he cheated on her during A school, so that is the reason for the trust issues.  He at one time thought being apart for a few years would bring them closer and back together, but she said that will never happen until he does a complete turnaround.  I try to tell her to just drop him out of her life, but she can't do that.

Some people shouldn't be friends or be in contact with people (significant or otherwise) that don't treat them well.  If he cheated on her in A school then he would cheat on her whenever he feels like it, and from the sounds of it doesn't respect her.  see ya is my recommendation.  That's the great thing about life - one thing or person doesn't work out and another one will:)

Every time she answers him it just gives him the idea he still has her. She needs to ignore him completely. Don't answer texts or phone calls. Sorry but they can't be friends. It's nt going to happen and if she wants to move on it's what she has to do. I've been in that situation although it wasn't a military relationship. But the only way he'll leave her alone is if she ignores him. He's not paying attention to what she's saying all he's thinking is he's still got her because she answers. Sorry if it's harsh but girls tend to try to be nice but sometimes we just can't be. If they need to take a break for him to realize and change and spend time apart they need to cut off all contact completely. He's not going to so she needs to. Right now he's running around doing whatever he wants and she is playing into whatever game he's got going on. He's already cheated on her and by treating her like this he's showing he doesn't respect her and she's not going to earn his respect by continuing to answer his calls. She needs to be strong. With my ex, we were together on & off for 5 years because I would do the same thing. He'd treat me horribly, we'd break up, and within a few days he'd be calling me again. It didn't stop until I stopped answering. Then I was able to finally move on and I haven't heard from him in years. Maybe down the road things will be able to be different for them but he's not going to change on his own she needs to push him to change by letting him know she won't put up with it anymore by ignoring him. And maybe he'll never change and that's okay too because at least she'll be able to move on and find someone who appreciates and respects her like I did.

I completely agree with the absolutely no contact suggestion.  She will ignore him, and he will keep texting, finally stopping after a day of nothing from her, but then he starts up again and he can be so persistent sometimes.  At times she will not hear from him for a few days, then he starts up again.  She knows he is out drinking and partying and who knows what else - he called her one night when he was drunk.  She just can't figure out if he still cares or just doesn't have anyone else to talk to.  She figures he will never change - as she says once a cheater, always a cheater.  I always wonder what he will do if she should find another guy.  Unfortunately all the ones she has talked to since him have lied to her, except for one who she thinks cares for her but is afraid of commitment.  So far no good luck but I told her to stay single and enjoy life for now.  She is young so she should be enjoying herself.  Thanks for the comments.

She needs to let him know that he needs to stop contacting her. If he really wanted to get her back he wouldnt even bring up sex!! That should be a red flag right there. IMO he is a pig and just wants to have someone. not really caring if that person is her or someone else. They learn real quick that even if they screw a girl over she will stick around because a lot of girls have one main problem! They think they can "fix" someone. They like to take care of people and turn their life around for the best. Often at their own expense! She needs to block his number if she has to! But he needs to leave her alone so she can get back to living her life! I dont even think staying friends with him is a good idea. It just shows him that even if he cheats on her, treats her like crap, etc, he will always have her to treat like that! I have had friends that have tried to stay with guys like this and I was very blunt with them. I dont hide how I feel about guys that are jerks especially if its one of my friends. I just tell them blunty as long as they are going to let guys treat them like crap, guys will continue to do it! She needs to run!

Here is one more voice agreeing with the No Contact position.  He won't let go unless she treats him like a stranger.  "Friends" is an open door which will invite him to treat her like a doormat.  She deserves better and she can have it.  She needs to throw out the trash in order to make room for the treasures to come.  

I had a college boyfriend who got so paranoid about me leaving him over his drug use that he locked me in the apartment, took the phone (unplugged the landline) and would hide my mail.  He prevented contact with my friends, family and co-workers.  I had to run away and hide with an aunt out of town.  That was part of the reason I joined the Navy, I knew he could not follow.  Repeated calls and texts may not be the same thing, but they are indicators he is a controlling type, a true warning signal.  She needs to cut all ties immediately and harden the soft spot she has in her heart for him.  

I totally agree with no contact, but for I guess for girls it is just difficult to let go.  She did attempt no contact, no answering his calls and texts for over a day, and he ended up sending a message asking what happened to her.  I think if she ignores him, he will constantly send messages asking what is going on, where she is, why she won't answer, is there someone else (which he has already asked).  When they were together he wanted her to end all her friendships with her male friends, and she did.  Now she regrets it.  The male friends she has now are like brothers to her and would protect her if someone tried to hurt her.  She was talking to another guy - Army (another military), and he said he couldn't handle her having male friends, and that is all it seems like she has.  She has had too many female friends that have turned on her - two of whom flirted with the Navy ex and he fell for it, but neither the ex or the Army guy can understand how females can be, especially younger ones.  I am glad to know there are so many others who have the same opinion as I do - NO CONTACT.  Only she can do that.  Hopefully soon!

 

And Anti M - I have read your replies for over a year now on several different group pages - and you are THE BOSS when it comes to information!!

She needs to go the step beyond ignoring him, she needs to block his number and his emails.  Technology is great that way.

And any man who forbids "his" woman from having male friends is engaging in controlling behavior.  Next he'll decide which female friends are okay, then which family members.  I've seen that up close and personal.  I wish the younger girls had access to older woman who know, or counselors who can teach them how to recognize dangerous behavior from controlling men. It is a very short step from control to abuse.  Very short.  I almost went into this field and did start the graduate work.  I simply couldn't make it work while stationed overseas and never followed up.

 Ladies, you teach people how to treat you, and if you allow another person to control or interfere with your life, you are giving them permission to dump all over you anytime they choose.  These people will if you let them.  Life is too short to waste on head games and cheaters and liars.  Be strong, move on!

I agree! Block his number! If she has to tell the phone company he is harassing her then do it!

 

Show her stories of how this is the first step of the cycle of domestic abuse! It doesnt typically every get better! Only worse! There are lots of stories online I am sure you can google lots of women who have dealt with this sort of stuff!!! She has got to recognze that these situations escalate and they can do so quickly! and it could be very bad :( Domestic violence starts out small and slowly build which is why women often stay because it didnt drastically get worse just gradually so they get used to it and they feel they did something to set it off!

I suspected some sort of mental abuse earlier on, and could see how things were going downhill during their relationship.  She did tell me that he texted her the other day and made a comment, and she accused him of acting like they were still together when they aren't, and of course he did not reply back to that. He completely ignored it and waited until the next day to text again.  He was good at making her always feel like everything was her fault, even when he was the one that messed up and not her.  I am thinking of showing her these comments, and while she may be upset, I think hearing someone other than just me make the same comments will help.

Also, I realize this is a Navy For Moms group, and while this girl is not in the Navy, I am hopeful that someoe else who may be in the same situation will see these comments. She does know several people who are in the Navy and likes to keep with what is going on with them.  Some of them she is close to, others she met through her ex and have become friends and they enjoy having someone else to talk to, that supports what they are doing.

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