Marriage before or after the first deployment?

[Dede04]

My name is Diane and my bf is currently in Boot camp. I feel a little stressed because I have been doing all of this research online and discovered how complicated/difficult being a Navy gf can really be (yikes!).

I miss him and wish we had time to really talk this out. He will start A school in March. I think they have spring break and 1-2 weeks leave after he completes the 6 months but I'm frustrated that we cant discuss the next step yet.

We have discussed marriage and we both want to, but when is the right time? Should we marry during his leave after A school or should I wait until his after his 1st deployment?

Many women have argued that if he gets hurt/dies(God Forbid) they would not receive anything because she is not his wife and therefore I should get married first. Others for this argument felt that they refused to move with him unless he did...citing BAH rules.

Other women have argued that the first deployment would tell me if I am equipped to be a navy wife and if the 1st deployment is too much for me, I can leave without divorce papers.

So what do you guys think? :/

[Dede04]

The support between some women sounds amazing. As a single man, he can change his emergency contacts as well, correct? Because I would notify his parents, but unfortunately they wouldn't do the same for me :(

[meagan5220]

Don't get married for benefits. I mean honestly especially life insurance. Anyone that is honestly worried about whether or not they would get money from a life insurance policy for their boyfriend needs to have their priorities checked. First of all, he can leave you money even as a gf if he so desires. Second of all, if that's what you are so concerned about if he dies then you really have to worry about why they are actually in a relationship. (not saying you as in you directly just in general) And its not going to be a good relationship if you have to threaten marriage.

I would say get married when you are ready, deployment, bootcamp, a school be damned. If none of that was in the cards when would you be ready to get married? Next month or next year? Living through a deployment wont tell you if you are equipped to be a navy wife, you either decide you are going to handle it or you don't. My husband and I got married before his first one, and I know spouses that had been through 2-3 deployments break and cheat, or get divorced, or whatever they decided to do. On both sides of the relationship. Living through one deployment isn't going to be a compass for if you will be a good navy wife. All it will do is enlighten you to what all is going to happen during deployment, lack of communication, extensions, heartaches, and so many other crazy things. But you don't have to go through a deployment to know if the person you love, and your relationship will be able to last rocky times. In the civilian world they don't tell people to wait to get married until they suffer a life altering, huge event with their fiancée to see if they will be able to last it. Its a leap of faith, its having faith in your relationship. Yeah some folks want to wait til after one deployment and that's what they want for their relationship. Every one's relationship is different so no one here will be able to give a magic answer about what will or wont be best exactly.

Idk if he will have spring break off though, my husband didn't. I went to see him on my spring break but he still went to class. On top of all this, deployment is still undecided with him being in bootcamp. My husband went on deployment within months of being done with a school. My friends husband went on deployment 2 and a half years after getting out of a school. So for me there is no reason to put the cart before the horse and make a determination as to when you will get married based on deployment.

[Dede04]

Good point. It's really just driving me crazy that I can't plan, decide or even talk to him about these important things until the Navy gives information. "Hurry up and wait" couldn't be more accurate. I never thought about comparing it to civilian life. I wouldn't wait for something awful to happen to know if I'm ready. However, hard times shared with a significant other does make you more certain about the longevity of the relationship whether it's accurate or not. I wrote "please don't feel pressured" repeatedly in my letters. When he called a couple of days ago he laughed at the idea of being nervous. Clearly, he knows what he wants. I know I want him, but I also know I don't want to rush into it until we have more information and time to discuss it. Information that will be readily available after A school. although conversations about our relationship and what he would prefer should and will be discussed. Thank you!!! All of you for your imput. It's Appreciated!

[meagan5220]

I understand. I am a huge planner so the not knowing killed me too. My biggest advice is to focus on not letting that hurt your relationship. Some girls get so frustrated with the Navy pulling their sailor around sometimes they take it out on their sailor and assume its because he doesn't care enough. Hard times do show you to some extent how your relationship will withstand through the test of time, but on the other hand say you waited through one deployment and it ended up being the smoothest sailing deployment, no extensions, unlimited communication, etc. It would still be hard, but wouldn't necessarily show you how your relationship will handle other negative life events such as a harder deployment, a death in the family, terminal illness, tough financial times, etc. Every deployment will have its own challenges, every major life event will happen at a different time in our life, and impact us differently. Don't stress too much about making him feel pressured! Just be honest with him and lay it all out there, let him know its not an ultimatum just trying to figure out where everyone stands. Even after you get married its a good idea to sit down and hash out what you want out of the relationship and where you see yourself going together and in your own life. If you have any specific questions feel free to ask away. I will answer any that I can :)

[EmilyNicole98]

My husband's due home any minute and I've got to start dinner, so I can't read every comment... but I can offer you my opinion and personal experience. We were engaged during his first deployment, which was actually pretty wonderful. It was the perfect in-between. 

1. Was I worried about what would happen if he got hurt or died? Yes very much so, but not for the reasons you listed. Even though the Navy wouldn't have contacted me, they would have called his parents who would have immediately called me (You said that his parents wouldn't call you - I think they would, in this severe situation. But it so rarely happens that it shouldn't be a huge concern for you). So that wasn't an issue. Neither was the insurance money...because I wouldn't want it anyway, married or not. And that's not a good reason to get married anyhow.

2. FRG. Was I out of the loop? Yes, but I didn't know how much so until after we got married (as a wife, I get FRG emails like three times a week. About anything and everything. It's crazy). It honestly wasn't that bad. I joined wives pages for this location on Facebook and made friends. Some of them were generous and gave me what information they could. I always knew when he would be in port and where and what not. It wasn't hard to get someone to share the information with me because they already knew me. Honestly I felt more out of the loop from being 2,500 miles away from his base than from not being married. I couldn't go to the halfway party or the meetings, couldn't participate in the raffles, couldn't hang out with other wives, nothing. Those are things I could have potentially done as a fiancee living near the base. 

3. We had discussed getting married right before he deployed, which was during leave after A-school. We are both so, so glad we didn't. The beginning stages of marriage are tough and I can't imagine trying to deal with that while on opposite sides of the world. Also, it would have been a lot harder emotionally to be apart if we were married as opposed to engaged or dating. I can't explain it, but the moment we said "I Do", everything changed and our love is on a much deeper level. Kind of impossible to explain and impossible to understand unless you experience it yourself. It was just plain ess stress, too. Our relationship didn't have the added nitty-gritty realities that marriage has. No talks about bills or problems with the house or anything.

4. The first deployment tends to be when the highest percentage of couples split. So for that reason, I believe people should try to wait to get married until after the first one. If you can't handle it while dating or engaged, you will not be able to handle it while married when things are a thousand times more stressful. 

Another thing.....I don't know how old you are or how long you've been together, so I can't speak on those things...but it sounds like you are a bit overwhelmed by what lies ahead. Navy life IS hard on girlfriends, but it is nothing compared to the stress you get as a wife. I could go on and on about this. Take some time and see how being a girlfriend goes. See how well you can handle it. To put it bluntly, a lot of people are NOT cut out for this kind of lifestyle. You never know which category you fall into until you experience it. I wouldn't recommend jumping into a marriage when you aren't sure on how the Navy aspect of it will go. It's a lot to take on, especially when you're young. Even when you think you know it all, you won't. I thought I was pretty well prepared when we got married, a year into his contract and one deployment under our belts...but I was not. Marriage is a whole different game! Make sure you're truly 100% ready for it before you decide to play.

[Dede04]

This was extremely informative. I am 24, by the way. Yes, I am overwhelmed by the things I do not know and the things I do. I agree it isn't for everyone but there is no real preparation for it and that's the frustrating part. It's like I want a "how to be a navy gf, fiancé, and wife" class. Then I will know what to do and how to prepare and who to contact. Even with all the information I have found, seaman I have spoken to, RDCs, and women...I feel informed but afraid. I forgot about the marriage nitty gritty of bills and keeping up a home(without children) and simply maintaining the home without him. Staying home during his deployment seems best if I can't move right away. Sigh...there is just so much I don't know and even women will more experience don't really know everything. That's what makes me crazy: I'm a very anal person. No data? No hard facts with a proven solution? Then no bf to talk to. So I just sit with my millions of thoughts and questions until whenever. Also, when he calls I can't remember anything lol. I just want yo hear his voice and that he loves me and how/what he's doing. Then we get off and I think, "Darnit, diane! You had things to say!"

[Zozy's girl]

So make notes.  I do the same thing, as soon as I hear his voice I forget things I meant to ask or say.   I use an app called Quick Note sticky note widget on my phone for that and more.  We've found it's better for both of us if I don't have too many unanswered questions floating around in my head  =)

[Dede04]

Awesome idea! I will!! ^__^

[Proud Navy Girlfriend]

You may not believe it now or feel like it's impossible, but it truly does get easier as you get the hang of it. Asking as you are taking care of yourself too. Don't rush marriage so things are easier. I say wait it out. But listen to your heart:)