Daughters in OCS

[pgrlisa]

There's a whole other group for people with kids going to OCS, but I couldn't find one specifically for daughters.  MY LO is in class 15-10, starting 07-March.  Are there any other moms of daughters either in OCS or who have recently graduated?  I'm so proud of her I could just scream! 

Lisa

[Anna]

sunsetmom,

While I do not know what my daughter will go through in OCS yet, I am learning quite a bit from moms like you, dmarie, and others who have daughters who have gone through OCS or are going through it now. I appreciate all the info that is shared here.
But as a mom of an enlisted daughter serving now I also understand the difficulty in realizing we can no longer protect our loved ones or fix things for them. Last year my daughter had a real difficult situation to deal with and every time I offered a suggestion on what she should do I was met with the statement "Mom, that won't do any good - this is a Navy thing" Problem was that I was in the Navy myself and I knew things were being mishandled. Not all superiors know how to manage people and I so wanted to call her superiors and chew them out. But in reality I knew I couldn't do that - not only did she have to learn to take care of it on her own, but to them I would just be considered a meddling mom. It was so hard to just sit back and watch her get hurt.

[sunsetmom]

"This is a Navy thing" is a way of saying, "get out of my way." It's not about whether our advice is appropriate or not - it's more about whether we are willing to love them for who and what they are - and step back. The tension is about fixing things and getting the "right" result or accepting the fact that we've done the best we can and now our job is to show respect for them as people - which means giving them as much space as we'd give someone who demands it - a colleague, an authority figure, a stranger.

When I have tried in the past to help/protect/ my daughter I've said: " I don't want you to make the same mistakes I've made...so please take my advice." I've gone on to let her know that I expect her to make mistakes- just let them be different than the ones I made.

But it really doesn't matter because it is still about the tension of honoring them as separate human beings and our being attached because we are their moms. I know well about the frustration and anger at seeing our daughters get hurt by others and also by themselves, but I also know about the harm that meddling moms create in the long run.

[Cheryl S.]

FYI, this seems to apply to sons, too. Mine seems to have dropped off the planet now that he is out of OCS and finding his own way. It's very hard for me to step back now even though everyone keeps telling me to. Guess I really don't have much choice...none of us do anymore.

[dmarie]

sunsetmom and Anna,
you've both made excellent points. I am still struggling with accepting that I cannot protect them anymore, and I have to let go. This week my two younger daughters each had "troubles" to deal with, and I, of course, am trying to swoop in and fix it for each of them. I am hoping that I am not one of those moms that can't let go!
I will keep both these posts in the back of my mind, as I continue to try to let my girls fly, each in their unique paths!

[sunsetmom]

We try to avoid being helicopter parents, and as long as we are aware of it, we have hope of keeping the impulse under control.

[Anna]

You are right sunsetmom!! No matter how much we want to give them advise and try to keep them from making the same mistakes we made, we have to let them learn on their own also. If we don't let them figure it out, they will never be able to solve their own problems. As much as it may hurt to see them get hurt by others, as long as it isn't really serious, we have to let these little hurts happen. It is so hard to stand by and listen and not try to take control. I try now to tell my daughter "here is my advise and wisdom, you take what you want and make it work for you." I let her know that I'll always love her and I stand by her decisions because in the end they have to be her decisions.
Mothering is so hard sometimes, isn't it?? Where is that instruction manual when we need it??????

[sunsetmom]

I may read instruction manuals, but if it isn't obvious it takes a great deal of practice to get it right....By then, one hopes we haven't created any harm! ;