Is this the life for me? More importantly, what if I know it isn't???

[ShawnaSA]

Hey all,

My boyfriend of over a year has been thinking about joining the navy. He went to go see a recruiter yesterday, and either the recruiter didn't tell the truth or my man didn't because he told me the recruiter said deployments are around 3 months and girlfriends can move with the sailors... We all know this isn't true!

I'm expecting if he signed up that he would go to bootcamp for a couple months and I wouldn't really hear from him (between the scarce phone calls and the letters that would have to get distributed between both sets of parents, I'll be left in the dust). And then for PIR, he only gets 4 tickets, so again, I expect to not see him then. THEN he gets sent to a levels, and since we aren't married I wouldn't be able to go along unless I found a way to pay for everything myself... Where would I get that money... And then there's the whole deployment thing. Or he could be stationed overseas for all 4 years. Even if we got married, he'd be E3 and wouldn't have the rank to live off base or have me brought along...

I'm really worried that navy life isn't for me. I'm a pacifist and a hippie, I don't really believe in anything military... But more importantly, I can't be in a relationship with an absent man. How do you ladies do it?! I just know in my heart I would be miserable waiting for him. Or miserable giving up my friends, family, CAREER, stable home, pets, etc. to travel with him.

I can't get out of military life at the ripe old age of 27 with no career, no home, no community to show for it... I'm the type of girl who wants the 2.5 babies, puppy, kitty, picket fence home filled footsteps of loved ones. And he's throwing at me that he wants something completely different.

Or he's saying "We can do that when I'm 30." 30!!! I want to have babies before then.

I can't help but feel upset that he's pursuing this, because I feel like he's asking too much of me. I know he isn't being selfish, because he would be signing his life over to his country, but couldn't he be understanding of my feelings? I love him more than anyone, more than anything, but just knowing myself... This life isn't for me.

He put a ring on my finger to promise we would be together. Now he's saying he wants something a little different.

Did anyone else feel the same way when they first started out? Did you change your mind?

What should I do...

[Andi6109]

my boyfriends parents are divorced but he told me and them before he left that he wanted me there and i was getting a ticket. so his mom, dad, brother and me went and the step parents stayed home. it was his decision and they accepted it no problem. so there would be a chance you could still see him at graduation. they should not dictate who his tickets go to. if he loves you enough he will make sure you get a ticket

[ShawnaSA]

I love his parents, too, though, and he's known them longer than me... They raised him and I'm sure they'd feel it was their right to be there. If it comes down to it, maybe we can get an extra ticket or something.

[Fur&FeathersDVM]

I never imagined myself as a military wife- and to be honest most of my navy wife friends never imagined that of themself either. I imagined myself finishing veterinary school, finding a husband with a job which would send him home every day, maybe having kids, moving home to New York City. Instead, I fell in love with my best friend in college who has dreamed of being in the navy his entire life. I had NO idea about navy life (or any other branch of the military), but I didn't think I could handle a boyfriend/husband who would never be there. But, you can't help who you love, and so soon enough I found myself a navy girlfriend, then fiance, and now wife. How has it changed my life? Well, I don't live with my husband (which people always say is awful but it's a choice I had to make for my career). We've lived apart for the last almost three years and have another two to go (we got married during that time, we haven't been married and apart that whole time). He's stationed in Virginia so while I *could* move to be with him, I would have to quit veterinary school, and it wasn't something I was willing to do. And he's on a ship that's gone a lot so that if I did quit school to be with him, I wouldn't see him much anyway. Once I graduate he's due to move to shore duty so we will have a lot more time together then and can really start our life together (at least for a few years til he goes back to a ship!)

 

Are deployments only 3 months? They could be, if you're on a sub or you're really lucky. But often times it's more, the longest I've heard is 11 months. But there will be times when he goes to shore duty and he's always around!

 

If it makes you feel better- our old CO's wife's husband has been in the navy for 27 years. When they first got married, it was on the stipulation that he was getting OUT! He had orders in hand, but something happened and he did not leave the navy. Now 25 years later, she is the most pro navy woman you'll find. Am I saying that's going  to happen to you, no, maybe not. But it's not like any wife WANTS their husband, or any girlfriend WANTS their boyfriend to be gone. There's no guarantees in the civilian world either- your dream of the nice picket fence house with animals is going to require someone with money and jobs can be hard to come by in the civilian world. And military children aren't unloved by their father or mother who's gone- I think they are often times MORE loved than civilian children because their time with Mommy or Daddy is that much more precious. The nights they are there to tuck them in are extra special and those kids don't take those moments for granted. As for the drinking/craziness/strip clubs- those exist in the civilian world too! If a man is going to cheat, he's going to cheat- the military doesn't make a cheater, it just gives them opportunities, and if you're with someone with those sort of tendencies, they'll find a way!

 

Is the navy life for everyone? no, not so much. But if you're unsure, why not give it a try? Most people are stronger than they think... they just forget it sometimes or don't really know what they're capable of until they do it. I used to hate when my husband (then boyfriend) would be away for two weeks. Now that's absolutely nothing to me. Some people adapt, and some do not. You can always stay together and if it gets to be too much after you've given it a fair shot, you go your separate ways and life goes on!

[ShawnaSA]

Another reply that gave it to me straight and made me feel a little better if he joins. Thank you.

 

At the same time, if he joins thinking I will stay with him and I find I can't... I don't want to mislead him.

 

Sigh.

[Fur&FeathersDVM]

I don't think it would be misleading to him if you flat out said "I don't know if I can do this, but I'm willing to give it a shot for you because I don't want to lose you." That way you're putting it out there that you know this will be tough but that you're willing to give it a try for him. When my hubby joined, I promised that I would try the first tour with him but it was with the understanding that I was more important to him than the navy and that if we as a couple couldn't handle the navy, he would get out. Luckily I surprised myself and I love navy life (for the most part anyway) but I know that at any point if it got to be too much for me, he would get out as soon as he could. I think it's important to discuss the "what if's" of if navy life isn't working for one or both of you before he joins!

[ShawnaSA]

Thank you so much :)

 

And yes, from the Bay Area as well lol I'm a liberal Dem in love with a huntin', fishin' Rep! I don't even like to chop vegetables with knives because holding them in my hand makes me feel uncertain, let alone guns, and my guy sleeps with a gun in his closet!

[Virginia (Ship 2 - Div. 928)]

Oh you should try shooting sometime!  There's nothing more empowering than target shooting!  I lurve my Baby Eagle!  :)

[ShawnaSA]

He and his brother tried to teach me last month with a pistol. I think I hit the target 1/10 times. I'll need to try again with my glasses sometime. :P

[Virginia (Ship 2 - Div. 928)]

LOL!  It takes a LOT of practice to get good...  my husband and I really enjoy shooting together.  What kind of pistol was it?

 

I've never been a hunter, though.  His family likes to... I would just cry the whole time at the thought of killing poor Bambi!

[just a girl with a broken heart]

I love shooting and going to the range I think its a great stress reliever...lol

[ShawnaSA]

I have no idea what type of pistol, and I definitely haven't eaten any deer yet! I have had wild boar and duck, though. Felt bad about the duck!

[TropikalParadize]

I love guns too, for my husband and I its our way of life!! Super cool you have a baby Eagle...those are great!  We love all sorts of shooting and hunting...shotguns, rifles, pistols, you name it!!  Haha very cool....my husband and I could talk about guns for days...:-)