Is this the life for me? More importantly, what if I know it isn't???

[ShawnaSA]

Hey all,

My boyfriend of over a year has been thinking about joining the navy. He went to go see a recruiter yesterday, and either the recruiter didn't tell the truth or my man didn't because he told me the recruiter said deployments are around 3 months and girlfriends can move with the sailors... We all know this isn't true!

I'm expecting if he signed up that he would go to bootcamp for a couple months and I wouldn't really hear from him (between the scarce phone calls and the letters that would have to get distributed between both sets of parents, I'll be left in the dust). And then for PIR, he only gets 4 tickets, so again, I expect to not see him then. THEN he gets sent to a levels, and since we aren't married I wouldn't be able to go along unless I found a way to pay for everything myself... Where would I get that money... And then there's the whole deployment thing. Or he could be stationed overseas for all 4 years. Even if we got married, he'd be E3 and wouldn't have the rank to live off base or have me brought along...

I'm really worried that navy life isn't for me. I'm a pacifist and a hippie, I don't really believe in anything military... But more importantly, I can't be in a relationship with an absent man. How do you ladies do it?! I just know in my heart I would be miserable waiting for him. Or miserable giving up my friends, family, CAREER, stable home, pets, etc. to travel with him.

I can't get out of military life at the ripe old age of 27 with no career, no home, no community to show for it... I'm the type of girl who wants the 2.5 babies, puppy, kitty, picket fence home filled footsteps of loved ones. And he's throwing at me that he wants something completely different.

Or he's saying "We can do that when I'm 30." 30!!! I want to have babies before then.

I can't help but feel upset that he's pursuing this, because I feel like he's asking too much of me. I know he isn't being selfish, because he would be signing his life over to his country, but couldn't he be understanding of my feelings? I love him more than anyone, more than anything, but just knowing myself... This life isn't for me.

He put a ring on my finger to promise we would be together. Now he's saying he wants something a little different.

Did anyone else feel the same way when they first started out? Did you change your mind?

What should I do...

[Wanderlust]

Ok I don’t normally post on here, but I had to reply to that! I’m a vegan, yogi, save the planet, liberal Dem, big city, I am woman hear me roar kind of woman married to a small town man with handguns in our nightstand. Ha! We at least mostly agree on politics ;)

 

Any way, all the ladies above have made some great points. I, as well, never thought I’d be married to a military man. We’ve been together 8 years (married one) and joining the military wasn’t in the plan. I had the great career and he followed me to each move I made for my job – coast to coast. A long story follows, but basically we made the decision for him to join the Navy together. We’ve agreed when his contract is up and if its not working for us anymore, he’s out. If not, maybe he’ll retire Navy who knows. It actually has brought us closer, when I didn’t think that was possible after all we have been through. I still have my days where I panic and hope to stay determined to live out all my dreams (they are big!). Missing him daily goes without saying, but honestly you adapt and learn to cope. Bottom line though – I love him, can’t live without him… he’s chasing a dream and we’ll make it work for both of us.

 

That's my story any way. You alone know what’s best for you. Meditate on it, haha ;) Best wishes to you both!

[ShawnaSA]

I just hope he makes the decision with me! So far he hasn't really sat me down to talk about this except when he was driving us home one night and brought up his serious interest. No warning = me bawling on and off for the rest of the night trying to figure out if I could do it. And I'm still on and off crying and trying to figure out if I'd be able to do it. I know I can't live without him... But living without him completely might be better than living without him with him in the Navy and just out of reach... I think we need to sit down and talk about it and figure out what our coping mechanisms are going to be...

 

As for politics, one thing my boyfriend and I have learned not to discuss before bed is politics. We once got into it over illegal immigration - Nothing ever killed the mood so fast!

[Wanderlust]

Yea, I would need to feel included in the conversation and whatever the ultimate decision is. Instead of, this is what I'm doing... hope you will stick around. It took me awhile to be okay with it when he was just thinking about joining. Not every military lifestyle is the same... it really depends on his job. My husband went in with a SEAL contract which was tough to swallow given all the training they do away from home, not to mention the dangerous missions. He decided to switch to Navy Diver midway through boot camp after all the stories he heard about how much time he would have to be away from his family. So it really depends.

 

Haha, been there! Why can't he just agree with me? Its in his best interest ;)

[ShawnaSA]

Love my guy, he usually humors me and pretends to see from my perspective :)

[navygirlfriend21(USS NEW YORK)]

me and my boyfriend have been together the same amount of time. i guess its just about if you feel its worth the wait. im holding o cause i know hes the one and even tho i would never have chose this life for myself im going to have to deal with it because im in it now and as long as im in it with him i know ill make it :)

[ShawnaSA]

I hope you do, and I hope we do, too, if the time comes!

[Jess_0411]

Honestly, I was NEVER the type of girl that pictured myself marrying a military man. They work crazy hours and some weekends, they are gone all the time, and they must always put their duty first, which makes me second. But then I met my husband. We fell in love pretty quickly, and after three short months of dating, we got engaged. And after 14 months of being engaged, we finally got married back on April 2nd.

Has it all been sunshine, flowers, and butterflies? No way. We have been through a deployment, several underways, and an in-serve (for you girls that have not had your significant other go through that with his ship yet, count yourself lucky). And we are now going through a PCS, which means that I am moving away from my family and friends.

There has been many nights that I have cried myself to sleep alone in our bed because he was on the other side of the world and I hadn't heard from him in three days. Or times that he's missed holidays, family celebrations or my birthday (two years in a row) because of the Navy. But you know what? Its okay. I still love him, and he loves me. The Navy hasn't torn us apart. Has it caused a fight or two? Heck yes. But it has made us stronger not only as a couple, but as individuals. I am much stronger then some of my other friends because I have been through all of those things. And I wouldn't trade it in for anything in the world because if I did, I wouldn't have my best friend by my side.

 It takes a special kind of woman to be a military wife/fiancee/girlfriend. And I say woman, because from the women that I have I met here and through and my husband. They show a maturity and strength well beyond their 20-some years. If you don't think you can do it, that's okay. None of us will judge you for it. If anything, we will understand. But if you decide that it is worth it, you have a sisterhood here ready to back you up. Good luck!

[ShawnaSA]

Sorry, still learning terms. What is an underway, an inserve, and PCS?

I'm so in love with him my happiness is almost contingent on his presence, or on being in close contact with him all the time. I'm really going to have to figure out just how far away he can go and how little I can hear from him while still being happy, I think.

[Jess_0411]

In-serve is where the officials from Big Navy come in and inspect every little aspect of the ship. If its not good, the captain can get fired. So all of the officers, chiefs, everyone, comes down on the guys. If your man thinks the way they yell at him in bootcamp is bad, its NOTHING compared to in-serve. There was one night they forced everyone to spend the night on the ship because they "can't be trusted to be on time". It was bad. They were all pissed. Its not fun. They leave at 3am and don't get home til 11pm. He's in a bad mood, you're in a bad mood, just all out not good.

 

PCS is a permanent change of station. It means that they move your sailor from one station to other. We got Norfolk, so we're currently in the process of leaving warm, sunny, 90 degree Florida, to Norfolk, Virginia. The movers came and took our stuff yesterday ): As I type this, we are cleaning our apartment while listening to Taylor Swift. And my husband is singing along, lol! PCS can be stressful, but it can be fun too. You're starting a whole new adventure with your sailor in a new place where you are starting off fresh together. For some people, moving every few years to a new place and having to make new friends just isn't the thing for them. But this is where we get back to the fact that it takes a very special woman to be a Navy wife. To me, this is a fun way to live. Will I miss everyone? Yes. But I'm going to be okay. I have my best friend, and in the days of facebook, skype, and twitter, how can I not keep in touch with my good friends?

 

Hope this helps (:

[ShawnaSA]

Not worried about inserves, I'm confident I can cheer him up under any circumstance :) Wouldn't be worried about PCS, either, if we were married. Since we aren't, that freaks me out.

[Jess_0411]

In-serve just isn't fun because he's just tired and grumpy, and when he's home, all he wants to do is sleep or something that doesn't involve thinking, like watching tv. Its not a matter of being able to cheer them up. Its just a matter of understanding what they are dealing with at work.

 

And PCSing is nothing compared to deployments. I think the worse part about it is having to leave my career here and hoping that I can pick it back up in Norfolk. But everything else I'm okay with,

[ShawnaSA]

What is communication like on deployments?