Is this the life for me? More importantly, what if I know it isn't???

[ShawnaSA]

Hey all,

My boyfriend of over a year has been thinking about joining the navy. He went to go see a recruiter yesterday, and either the recruiter didn't tell the truth or my man didn't because he told me the recruiter said deployments are around 3 months and girlfriends can move with the sailors... We all know this isn't true!

I'm expecting if he signed up that he would go to bootcamp for a couple months and I wouldn't really hear from him (between the scarce phone calls and the letters that would have to get distributed between both sets of parents, I'll be left in the dust). And then for PIR, he only gets 4 tickets, so again, I expect to not see him then. THEN he gets sent to a levels, and since we aren't married I wouldn't be able to go along unless I found a way to pay for everything myself... Where would I get that money... And then there's the whole deployment thing. Or he could be stationed overseas for all 4 years. Even if we got married, he'd be E3 and wouldn't have the rank to live off base or have me brought along...

I'm really worried that navy life isn't for me. I'm a pacifist and a hippie, I don't really believe in anything military... But more importantly, I can't be in a relationship with an absent man. How do you ladies do it?! I just know in my heart I would be miserable waiting for him. Or miserable giving up my friends, family, CAREER, stable home, pets, etc. to travel with him.

I can't get out of military life at the ripe old age of 27 with no career, no home, no community to show for it... I'm the type of girl who wants the 2.5 babies, puppy, kitty, picket fence home filled footsteps of loved ones. And he's throwing at me that he wants something completely different.

Or he's saying "We can do that when I'm 30." 30!!! I want to have babies before then.

I can't help but feel upset that he's pursuing this, because I feel like he's asking too much of me. I know he isn't being selfish, because he would be signing his life over to his country, but couldn't he be understanding of my feelings? I love him more than anyone, more than anything, but just knowing myself... This life isn't for me.

He put a ring on my finger to promise we would be together. Now he's saying he wants something a little different.

Did anyone else feel the same way when they first started out? Did you change your mind?

What should I do...

[Brittany proud Navy Wife :)]

and I honestly dont mean you specifically but think more generally. If you dont think you are important enough for him to write, call, or include you in the graduation why would you allow yourself to make such a big life decision for him?

 

If you really love him, support him and encourage him and help him choose the best job available that will help him in life. Dont restrict him by saying u do this and ill leave you because thats not love.

 

[ShawnaSA]

Dear Brittany,

I appreciate your comments, but I think you failed to read my responses to other (and may I add more empathetic and kind) commentors.

I am not saying it is me or the job, I am saying it might not be the life for ME. Everyone knows if your significant other joins, you're basically joining as well - you're agreeing to a certain lifestyle. Is it selfish for him to go and do something that may not make me happy? No, because it is his life. Just like it isn't selfish for me to say this might not be the best for me - because it is my life. But we do need to figure out if we would be able to make it work before he makes the decision to join because it might impact whether or not he ultimately does. Just like I turned down an internship abroad last year because I knew how he felt about it, he might end up doing the same thing.

Also, I am not worried about not seeing him at graduation or not receiving letters because I'm worried he doesn't care enough about me. That is not the case at all. What I expressed concern over is the fact that not only does he have me to communicate with, but also his Mom's side of the family which is a family of four, his Dad's side of the family, which is another family of four, as well as his huge extended family if he so chooses. I am not SELFISH enough to think that every week the phone call would come to me, or that every week a letter would come to me, let alone at PIR that one of those 4 tickets will come to me instead of his Mom, Dad, Step-Mom, and Step-Dad.

That being said, yes, I am his girlfriend. We are in love and we do have plans to stay together in the future. If he decided he wants his future to be with me, I do believe I should have a say in what our future becomes TOGETHER.

Thanks for your input. Was a bit misguided, I think.

[Brittany proud Navy Wife :)]

I meant IF you didnt think you were important enough to him to be recieving letter, then why would you be deciding his future. If you guys are in love and wanting to spend the rest of your life together that changes things. But you made it sound like he didnt care enough to keep in contact with you while he was gone. And if that was true why would u want to be with him? If he loves you and you love him the communication will be there. And the letters are amazing. They express their love in writing and how much they miss you. My hubby actually graduates in two days, and i feel so close to him even tho hes been away for 2months, simply thru letters. I will cherish those letters forever.

 

I was just saying I though it was selfish to say "its me or the navy" Thats a huge ultimatum to hang over someones head.

 

also there is no such things as ticket. He puts for names on a list, and those on the list get in with their ids. anyone else can wait till everyone else is seated then have their choice of seats left over.

[ShawnaSA]

Well, no one told me about the list and that I might be able to get in anyway... That does give me a little hope.

[ShawnaSA]

I agree. Right now he is going to explore other options for the next 6-8 months, and if he decides he still wants to join the navy, we're going to look at it together and see if we can pick a job where his deployments might be a little less strict in terms of phone calls etc., and a little closer to home... And I do think I'll give navy life a shot if it comes down to it. I can't make promises I'll like it, but I can't let such a great guy go without a fight. :) If it doesn't work, it doesn't work and we'll know that and move on...

[Anti M]

Just a detail.... deployments are when the ships go out to sea for a good length of time, or when he would be sent to a combat zone. Not a duty station! Choosing a job based on ease of communication with you... I certainly hope that is not what you mean entirely. Because that is hugely unrealistic. Anyone who joins the Navy, except the Seabees, can expect to go to sea for extended periods of time. That means few phone calls.

[ShawnaSA]

I heard sub duty is pretty rough - because it's more secretive they aren't allowed cell phones on board and whatnot. In all honesty, I'd rather he was away longer and I could talk to him often rather than he was gone for short periods of time but I wouldn't hear from him week to week to know he's ok... In some ways we'd have a little more control, right?

[Emily-aaronsgirl11]

I haven't read every single reply. But your relationship sounds a lot like mine two years ago...

We started as a summer fling. And then he left for college. We stuck it out for some reason... I guess we really just liked each other that much that we tried to make it work. After a year of college he found himself in a financial struggle. The military came out of left field. He signed 2 weeks after first mentioning it to me. I told him my opinion: that I didn't like the idea of it, and I didn't think the lifestyle was right for him... I even went as far to research other ways he could pay for college. But I also told him that it was ultimately his decision and I would stand by him whatever it was because I loved him. 

2 years later, we're still together. It's been a hellish roller coaster ride. He gave me a promise ring a month before he left, and we've both taken that promise seriously. It doesn't matter what title your relationship has... Your relationship is what you make it, not someone else.

If you really love him, you'll stick by him through all of this. Take it day by day. Don't worry too much. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. If not, then you'll both move on. 

 

Today, I know the military was the best choice for Aaron. He now has a car, an apartment, is paying off his credit cards and student loans, and still saving a little each month. He pays for his own car insurance and even has medical insurance which is something he didn't for awhile. He's grown up, A LOT, and our relationship has grown also. We're definitely not the same kids we were when we started dating 3 years ago... We don't take our time together for granted either. And because of everything we've been through, we both know our relationship can make it through anything. We know for sure that what we have will last and it's all because of love.

 

Oh. And don't get worked up too much about married military life. The way I look at it... after I do this girlfriend crap for so long and go months for not only deployments but also when I'm in school and he's across the country, the wife stuff will be heaven (yes I know there's other crap to deal with being a wife but I honestly can't see it getting much worse than it is now). I'll have the extra perks of health insurance, free housing, free (or almost) daycare, extra scholarship money to further my education, and not to mention the amazing community I'll live in with people all around me who understand what I'm going through.

 

Basically, I hated the idea 2 years ago... But today I couldn't imagine our relationship any other way. And I'm ecstatic about the day I get to become a military wife. :)

[ShawnaSA]

Glad your man is doing well :) Mine is worried about finances a bit, but it's more that he's looking for adventure. He feels like he's wasting away in his youth behind a desk doing paperwork and he wants to do something with his body before it starts melting away if you know what I mean.

I didn't expect to be the only woman on this forum that had major doubts in the beginning. Everyone is very optimistic, but it helps to hear how people found their happiness in their new lives, especially when I have to hope that I'll find it!

[Fur&FeathersDVM]

If he's looking into becoming an officer... does he already have a degree? If so, he can apply to Officer Candidate School. Otherwise he'd need to do STA 21 or ROTC or Naval Academy.

 

From a spouse's perspective... there are ups and downs to becoming an officer. The base pay is better but they get less allowances (for example, their uniforms come out of their own pocket, and they get less food allowance- and if they funded their own college like my hubby did student loan payments take a good chunk of it too!). They also are often required to work more hours because they are given more responsibility (part of earning that bigger paycheck). It is also harder for them to take leave- there is almost always multiple people of the same rate on a ship so they can cover for each other when they take leave and typically there is only one of each officer on a ship (so for example, my husband is the only communications officer on his ship- so whenever he needs to take leave it's a big deal). *But* there are a lot of perks- I mentioned the better pay, they also can live off base once they're commissioned so you can always go visit/live with them even if you're not married (the exception being if they go to Japan but officers often, not always, but often have a bigger say in where their duty station is going to be. Sometimes they just can't accommodate requests but we don't know anyone who has ever been forced to go overseas if they don't want to). They do have more "after hours" obligations to the ship- at least once a month expect his Friday or saturday night to be dedicated to a wardroom get together that's mandatory. If he does go through officer candidate school, the training is longer than boot camp- a minimum of 3 months (and most people get held back due to injury or failing an evolution so it often becomes longer. My hubby was injured twice so he was there over four months). Overall the freedom of it was really helpful to us being in a long distance relationship/marriage, but sometimes it'd be nice if he wasn't working 18 hours a day or could actually take his full pre deployment leave. :) (not every officer works those hours, but on his ship they do right now and it can be hard not to be jealous of the guys leaving after they've worked 8 hours!)

[ShawnaSA]

Yes, he does have a degree :) He graduated with Political Science and a minor in Accounting or something similar, and has been working at the Capitol. Also, his school was fully paid for by Grandpa (who also had been in the Navy way back in the day) so he doesn't have to worry about loans - but I do!!

Would he still have to go through the extra-long officer school with the degree? I'm getting confused about which school counts for what.

Why can't gfs/wives go to with to Japan? Are there any other locations like that?

[Fur&FeathersDVM]

Yes, he still needs to do the 3 month (or more) long officer candidate school. In order to become an officer, you need a degree (unless you're an LDO/warrant- but that's a completely different subject and requires outstanding enlisted service first). They don't do bootcamp. The 3 ways to become an officer without enlisting first is to go to the naval academy, complete ROTC, or to go to officer candidate school. Since he has a degree already, he will have to go to OCS. It's physically and academically demanding but a good amount of people who go in will make it through successfully. Don't expect to talk to him much while he's there, but at least you know where he is and that he's safe :)

 

If he wants to become an officer, he needs to get working on his OCS package now. It takes a long time to put one together and it's very competitive. He will need to work with an officer recruiter, not an enlisted one. He is going to need letters of recommendation, a nomination from his congressman, etc. His recruiter will be able to help him determine if he is a strong candidate or not. It depends on the type of officer, but most successful applicants to OCS have an A- or so average in college (or better) and a high ASVAB score. They also look at things like hours of community service, desire to serve, etc. What happens is he will put together his application package for OCS and will pick the top three officer types he would like to be. The selection boards for those communities will review his package and will decide if he is accepted. If he is, he will get a date he is to report to OCS and he will go ahead and swear in.

 

Japan is a foreign country with a lot of rules about living there, and it is a very expensive country. Wives can absolutely go there if they're on their husband's orders and are command sponsored- girlfriends are not sponsored by the navy and so they can't just decide to move there. Guam can be tricky to go to unsponsored as well, but I know people who've done it. However, your boyfriend's officer type will dictate if he can even go to these places. But like I said, a lot of officers have a good say in where their orders take them, so there's a good chance you wouldn't need to worry about that.

 

It would be worth researching the officer choices available through OCS and ODS. There are many types of officers and some go to sea more than others. That shouldn't be the basis of his selection for a job- he should pick something he's interested in doing- but it's a consideration. However you have to keep in mind that it is the military and at any time they could say hey, we need your type of officer over in Afghanistan- pack your bags- and he'd be gone for 12+ months. So don't pick an officer type with the mentality of "if he does this, he'll never be gone"- know that by agreeing to this type of life, you're agreeing to the possibility of leaving for a long time. The nice thing about OCS/ODS is that you go into it with a contract and knowing what type of officer you will become, as compared to naval academy and ROTC.