Is this the life for me? More importantly, what if I know it isn't???

[ShawnaSA]

Hey all,

My boyfriend of over a year has been thinking about joining the navy. He went to go see a recruiter yesterday, and either the recruiter didn't tell the truth or my man didn't because he told me the recruiter said deployments are around 3 months and girlfriends can move with the sailors... We all know this isn't true!

I'm expecting if he signed up that he would go to bootcamp for a couple months and I wouldn't really hear from him (between the scarce phone calls and the letters that would have to get distributed between both sets of parents, I'll be left in the dust). And then for PIR, he only gets 4 tickets, so again, I expect to not see him then. THEN he gets sent to a levels, and since we aren't married I wouldn't be able to go along unless I found a way to pay for everything myself... Where would I get that money... And then there's the whole deployment thing. Or he could be stationed overseas for all 4 years. Even if we got married, he'd be E3 and wouldn't have the rank to live off base or have me brought along...

I'm really worried that navy life isn't for me. I'm a pacifist and a hippie, I don't really believe in anything military... But more importantly, I can't be in a relationship with an absent man. How do you ladies do it?! I just know in my heart I would be miserable waiting for him. Or miserable giving up my friends, family, CAREER, stable home, pets, etc. to travel with him.

I can't get out of military life at the ripe old age of 27 with no career, no home, no community to show for it... I'm the type of girl who wants the 2.5 babies, puppy, kitty, picket fence home filled footsteps of loved ones. And he's throwing at me that he wants something completely different.

Or he's saying "We can do that when I'm 30." 30!!! I want to have babies before then.

I can't help but feel upset that he's pursuing this, because I feel like he's asking too much of me. I know he isn't being selfish, because he would be signing his life over to his country, but couldn't he be understanding of my feelings? I love him more than anyone, more than anything, but just knowing myself... This life isn't for me.

He put a ring on my finger to promise we would be together. Now he's saying he wants something a little different.

Did anyone else feel the same way when they first started out? Did you change your mind?

What should I do...

[ShawnaSA]

So OCS is not bootcamp? Is it similar, with the few phone calls and the letters, or is he more accessible since it's for longer? Lol... The things I worry about.

He's started working on the package... Right now he needs to figure out if he is even eligible, though. He graduated with a 3.8 or 3.9, has work experience, and comes from a pretty large and well-known family in his area, so I don't worry as much about the recommendation letters or the grades, but we do have to wonder about his asthma. He doesn't always have it and argues it's allergy induced, but he does carry around an inhaler and I told him we should set up a doctor's appointment and find out if physically he's even acceptable before going through with all of the paperwork...

[Fur&FeathersDVM]

OCS is not bootcamp. It is similar communication wise. Except few phone calls, not very many letters (I got 3 in four months). Towards the end they can get their cell phones back if they've earned it but they are super limited on when they can use them.

If he hasn't had an asthma attack since the age of 13 years old it is waiverable. However if he's had one since then, it's going to be disqualifying for him to serve (and I am not positive but I believe the fact that he currently has an inhaler could disqualify him too). He can try for a waiver, but honestly, with the way things are in the military right now, and the fact that asthma is a condition that could definitely compromise his ability to serve, I wouldn't count on him getting one.

[ShawnaSA]

Well, if he decides the navy is what will make him happy I hope they let him sign a waiver... He does have to use his inhaler during random times, like after having a couple alcoholic drinks, if he wakes up in the middle of the night not being able to breathe... But it's never stopped him from being an athlete (he played college baseball) or from being physically active so I guess we'll just see.

[Fur&FeathersDVM]

I hope it will work out if he wants to join but honestly if he's had to use that inhaler... he is not going to get a waiver. It's too much of a risk on the navy's end- what happens if he has an attack in the middle of the night and he's on a ship with no doctor? (many smaller ships have no doctor on board, just corpsmen). It wouldn't be safe for him. I would suggest googling it as there are a ton of discussions on the topic- it's a very common question. Just make sure he tells his recruiter about it NOW before he goes any further- even if he's not sure he wants to join yet!

[ShawnaSA]

So he doesn't get to choose what sort of job he goes into, or what track? That is our impression right now... How many duty stations are gfs/wives not allowed to move to? I heard Japan is one of them, and I'd like to know how many more there are! I did hear sub duty has shorter deployments, but I heard also that communication is harder because they're more top secret?

[ShawnaSA]

Very true, very true. Definitely something to think about. I've already started a little Shawna & Andrew jar... I work at a restaurant and all of my tips are going into it. If he joins, it'll most likely turn into a "Visit Andrew" or "Move with Andrew" fund... I'd like it to be a vacation fund, but I don't want to spend frivolously now, not knowing if I might need that money later on!

[TB1983 (HM, A School, GL)]

I felt the same way when my husband decided to join.  He mentioned it when we first started dating.. we fell hard & fast for each other and I begged, cried and pleaded for him not to join.  He didnt & we got married, had 2 children, bought a house, and were moving along in life. 

BUT, his dream of joining never left him.  5 years later, I realized that I was being selfish and holding him back from his dream & agreed to go talk to a recruiter about it.  It took over a year for us to decide that he was going to join.  Then, another 8 months to wait for waivers and sign his contract.  About 2 years total later, he left for bootcamp, he just graduated at the beginning of April.  It was really hard, but it made us soooo much stronger & it made me realize how much I really do love him.

He's in A-School right now and I look forward to 2pm everyday when he is able to call/text/email me.  Just hearing his voice is amazing.  I cannot wait until I get to move & live with him!

If its in his heart to do join, let him, it will only hurt your relationship if you dont b/c he will start to feel resentment for you holding him back. 

It sounds like you really do love him.  Think of it this way:  Would you rather be with him and seperated sometimes... or not be with him at all?

Its not easy by any means but it will make you and your relationship stronger.

oh- and if he has asthma-- that will disqualify him.  The Navy is being really picky right now and if they can find a reason to not take him, they will.  My husband has a tattoo and he had to get a waiver for it... that took almost 6 months of not knowing if his tattoo would hold him back or not.  It really is tough to get in right now.

[Loz]

I applaud you for thinking this through, and not going into it with rose colored glasses. One of my friends in the navy, was married in March two years ago. Since his wedding, he has been home approximately a total of four months. He has been constantly deployed . Boot Camp is a walk in the park, compared to what happens afterwards, I am under no illusions about that. My father was in the military for 26 years, up until he left a couple of years ago, he had never been home for a fathers day.  Special occasions lose their meaning along the way, because they are never there. My mother survived by building her own life, and being independent. She put us into so many activities, to try and distract us, it wasn't funny. You need to have a focus, and in some ways you need to be stronger, than your partner in the Navy. They have their team around them, and duties to keep them busy. You will be the one on your own , trying to cope with day to day life.  

When my boyfriend told me his intentions, I cried and cried. He is so intelligent, and smart, I thought he would be wasted in the Navy.  I realized, we can't control other's lives,  and we wouldn't want our lives dictated to us. So it was a matter of acceptance, and encouraging him, and being there for him.  For us it is a matter of que sera sera. 

[ShawnaSA]

4 out of 24 months? That is sooo little. I would not be able to handle that, I think, with grace...

I think a lot of men and women in these forums had the advantage of military family members while growing up so they're more used to the idea or at least understand what that life consists of. I come from the traditional corporate dad, stay at home mom background and have no close family members that have been in the military, so it's a really foreign concept to me and I don't really know what it entails, which is why I'm reaching out for help!

In the end, it's his decision and once he makes it I'm just going to have to make mine... Which will most likely be to stick it out and see what happens.

[Andi6109]

I grew up in a traditional family...We owned our own business and lived right there. mom and dad would go work the shop all day and I would walk out of the house to go hang out with them. mom would have dinner ready at night and we all would sit around as a family...they just celebrated their 29 year anniversary. So I did not grow up in a military family. None of my relatives joined. My grandfather's were involved in WW2 or Vietnam, but it was never talked about so I went into this blind. Divorce is not a thing in my family either. this is a completely new life for me...the separation and the challenges we face.

 

But my  boyfriend enlisted last january...had to wait 9months to leave for boot camp so we had time to think about the relationship. he initially left for boot camp almost 7 months ago...I have seen him 4 different weekends (including PIR weekend) and got 2 weeks together over christmas. he was in a bad spot with his life...i was looking to be more successful than him; i was working and in graduate school. he had been fired from another job and was flunking college as an undergraduate. I love him though. I hated the idea of being a military wife/gf but i supported him because I knew his life was not going places and he just needed a change. he loves it. and is sooo happy! and because I love him so much I want him to be happy. communication is KEY during the separation times. but you see each other, make the most of it, and count the days till you see him again. we are still going strong though, about to reach our 2 year anniversary and I have my days I hate this life, but then when I do get to see him I couldnt be happier.

[Fur&FeathersDVM]

If it makes you feel better- I had zero idea about the military when I started dating my husband. Dad is a banker and mom is a stay at home mom. One of dad's cousins was navy, but he died before I was born, and Grandpa served in WWII but honestly so many people did it's not like that makes us a military family. And you're doing the right thing by reaching out and learning! It's what I've done and it helps so much. When I talk to my husband's shipmates they always assume I grew up in the military because I've been able to learn so much, so it's fun to surprise them and tell them nope, I just a lot of questions. All the time. :)

[ShawnaSA]

"If its in his heart to do join, let him, it will only hurt your relationship if you dont b/c he will start to feel resentment for you holding him back.

It sounds like you really do love him.  Think of it this way:  Would you rather be with him and seperated sometimes... or not be with him at all?"

I COMPLETELY agree!!! That's the way I've been looking at it now... You had a while to warm up to the idea and really get used to it. The longer we talk it over, honestly the calmer I feel. I don't want to hold him back, and I do want him to be happy.

I have to admit, the I-always-want-him-around part of me is hoping his asthma does disqualify him.. The other half of me is hoping no matter what they'll let him sign a waiver and go at it if it'll make him happy.