Bad attitude?

[Naming-The-Past]

Every since his PIR my boyfriends attitude seems to have changed. When he was in basic his letter were always caring and sweet (basically, the stuff most people find sappy)) and then after he graduated and left for A school, the person who was writing me, didn't seem to be there anymore. I love him to death, don't get me wrong, but his attitude has changed alot. He seems to have a I-don't-give-a-crap attitude. I don't know if it's just because he is in the military now or what. And I've talked to him about it and he said "I'm sorry, I'm around guys all day and it doesn't really put me in a sentimental mood." Which I understand and I know that it's not directed towards me. I just don't know how to keep from feeling like it is.
I try to talk to him about it, but I think it's just a military thing. His cousin (who is my best friend) was the same way when he got out of bootcamp and AIT (he's in the army).
I'm just curious if this is/has happened to anyone else.

[NavyWifeTrivette]

Well I didn't know my husband prior to him going into the military, but he was in the Army for 2 year and now in the Navy. I have noticed though, even just in the time that I have known him, he is the same way. The longer he is in the military, the more noticeable it gets. I have also noticed though, that he learns to better control it over time. I keep mentioning it to him, letting him know that he kinda needs to calm down or whatever, and it seems to help. Once he is reminded that he has me and when he is with me it isn't the same as the military, he gets better. He says it is just so hard because in the military they have to learn to not care anymore because they are always getting yelled at or pushed around. So when he is home it is kinda the same instinctual feeling. Over time though, as long as you keep reminding him that you are by his side always, he will get better about it.

[Naming-The-Past]

I noticed that he wasn't like this when me and his parents picked him up after his PIR, he didn't act all laid back except for when we went back to our hotel and went swimming and he got to watch TV and spend time with us. But when we went out to eat and went to the mall he was always looking over his shoulder. I didn't notice his attitude change until we ran into one of the sailors he graduated with when we were at the airport seeing him off (he had 7 hours before his plane left). I didn't think anything of it until he got to A school and called me a few days later. And he knows I am by his side, I remind him of that all the time. I am very proud of him for what he is doing. When he was in basic I wrote in a letter once "Behind every sailor there is a strong woman backing him up" and I'm staying strong for him.
But it does make sense to me, he told me that his RDC's told them that basic drives out 80% of the civilian in them and A school will drive out the other 20%. (makes it sound like they are turning them into robots or machines in a way)
I will have to talk to him and remind him alot more often now.

Thank you for your help.
He told me that when I have problems and I can't talk to him about them right away to come here, and I have been doing that lately. The ladies here are a big help.

[Anti M]

Having been in the Navy, I can tell you that this improves as they advance and get into the fleet rather than a school command.   As a new, junior sailor, they are on guard while in public, in uniform.  Any senior military member can correct their behavior and appearance at any time.   This is very true PIR weekend, and it continues through A school.  Great Lakes is the worst area for this.  As student sailors, they have not interacted with their petty officers and chiefs on an equitable basis in a work environment.  

Their first few months on a ship are tense also, they are learning the ship's routine, trying to earn their quals, and may be cranking, which is dirty and exhausting.  

Lots of peer pressure early on too, young sailors being all macho and shit.   

They get past all this eventually.  Some of them need to be reminded that there's a time and place to be a sailor, and a time to be half of a couple.  Sometimes it takes a bit of time to make that switch of mindset.  They need to readjust, some can do it faster and easier than others.

Oh, and in uniform, they must maintain their military bearing.  That's not you, or how they feel about you, that's just the way it is.  

[Julie]

You're not alone. I'm going through the same thing with my fiance too. During bootcamp and PIR he was so sweet and caring, but now that he is in A School, his attitude seems to have...changed. I know its a military thing, everyone says it is. And he still tells me that he loves me and that he cares. He just got me an apartment down where he is so I can be closer to him.  Though, I just noticed the little things that have changed. He doesn't seem to have the umph to talk to me anymore. He always says he will, but its hard to have a decent coversation with him.

Plus, I'm pregnant for the first time, so I'm sure alot of what I'm feeling is just stress and horomones going crazy. I hope it gets better once I'm down there. I'm scared to move down half way across the country (I currently live in Nebraska) and have everything blow up in my face.

As I tell him everyday, I will always love him and will always support him. I know he is going through a hard time. My mother said he sounded almost depressed when she talked to him the other day about stuff to do around there, but once he talked about me going down, his voice seemed to change a little. Though, I'm just afraid he's not telling me everything thats going on.

Any suggestions on what I can do or say to him that might help? I'm afraid if it continues on like this for awhile, I will lose my sailor ):

[meagan5220]

Ok I think a big issue is that both side of the couple is going through huge changes and the other person doesnt understand bc quite simply they arent there to see it. Its going to be hard but you do have to realize that he is dealing with a lot of stress and work and new things. Change is a big deal. in the course of abt 2 months they get ripped out of their civilian, comfy environment, and get thrown in bootcamp. My husband barked orders at me the whole time we were driving bc they had him so freaked out abt getting in a wreck on PIR weekend. I would have rathered just stayed in the hotel room the whole weekend and ordered take out then go out with him somewhere. Then they get shipped to A school where even though a recruiter told them they would automatically start classes they find out hey they have to wait around and clean... which most sailors think if im just cleaning an hour a day I could be at home with my family. They might start questioning their decision, and feel regret possibly even for putting you through the situation. On the other hand you miss the sweet letters you got, you want to talk to him ALL the time bc hey he has a cell phone and what does he do other than workout and sit around til classes start? even then he gets off by 3 most the times right? He is out hanging out running around working out etc. bc he finally can do those things again and he has a lot of stress to get rid of...

 

Now I will say I did the one thing in a school I have been told not to do while they are away but ehh it worked. One day he was like oh yea and why havent you done a,b,c like I asked you to, (a,b,c all being things it would be easier for him to take care of.) but I said well I cant really this week I am super busy and asked if he could do it. He had the nerve to say well Im stressed abt an upcoming test he had the following week... well this was a building wave of frustration for me...so I let him have it... and by it, I mean screaming, yelling and maybe a little cursing. I was dealing with working two jobs to pay my way to see him and pay my bills and going to school 15 hours and trying to graduate a whole semester early so I could move with him so that means I was planning my captsone projects for my two degrees I was getting and having to give a presentsation to the head of my dept and former head of the FBI labratory. Needless to say I was a little stressed too. I am not saying everyone has those issues but both sides are stressed and once you realize he is then get it through his this skull that you are it makes it TONS easier. He actually started helping me with stuff, asking questions, getting answers, and doing anything that he could on his end and I did other stuff on my end. It helped out a lot and once he realized that even though I wasnt going through what he was I was still dealing with stuff it helped a lot. Sometimes we still have to have that argument again bc he likes to forget that while he is gone I am dealing with all his stuff back home and him being gone and he just sees it as me getting to be off the ship. I understand the ship sucks but I always tell him it sucks for me too just in a different way. Also boys are VERY physical so he might have problems connecting to you when he cant see you as often where girls are emotional and through a school and deployments its harder for us to deal with not having our best friend to comfort us when something bad happens. I always sent my husband a picture almost everyday. Not like dirty lol but just like hey going to work love you talk to you later. and he made more of an effort to call at night and see how my day went and listen to my problems. I also made him call me every morning before PT even if just to say I love you get some sleep.

[meagan5220]

oh also I helped my sailor study in A school. I would write down words and their definitions and then we would go over them and he would have to explain to me what each one was and how they worked together. and then I being the crazy ass that i am would make up silly little stories to help him remember anything he was havin problems with making him laugh was key.

[Countrygirl143]

My fiance was like that right after bootcamp, always looking over his shoulder, but what Anti M said was the truth. It's not you, they just don't want to get into trouble and so they can be distant towards the people around them. A school was worse because he would be extremely grumpy, and I thought it was about me. You have to always remember, there are things going on at work that you don't see, and they are very stressful. Just be there for him, and let him know that it kinda hurts when he acts like you're one of the people at work that drag him down.

It's hard to believe that a strong person (especially one you love) can feel weak and need some reasuring words every day...but I found that when I told my sailor, to calm down, and that I was sorry he was having trouble, he would let go of some of the hostility. It really helped me to ask him once in a while if he just wanted to vent to me about anything. And sometimes it might seem like he doesn't care about you, but just trust me when I say it's not you, he's just very overwhelmed. Hope this helps! Good luck, and if you need anything, just email me on n4m

[Janae' *My Love is HOME :)*]

My hubby was the exact same way... When he was in boot there were these nice, sweet letters and he was very loving when we picked him up after PIR. It was like a few weeks into A school when I saw the change in him... I had to drive down to VA Beach to make him talk to me cuz he would not pick up the phone or anything for about a week and it was killing me. After an hour of me talking to him and telling him how I felt he was acting his attitude completely changed back to normal where he was actually himself again. I guess he saw how much it was hurting me.

[xxpaprincessxx]

My husband is the same way his letters were so sweet and nice and now that he is stuck in GL he has such a bad attitude all the time. I have no clue what to do. I know he is stressed but there is just a point where it must stop.

[tori&tyler]

Similar thing is happening to me now. My sailor was super sweet and mushy and lovey before. He would write me poems everyday. He met a few new friends and now the poems stopped and he doesn't have much to talk about on the phone. I hope it is just a phase. I feel like he lost his focus and is now caring about what his buddies are doing.