Can I handle a military relationship?

[Lauren]

Is anyone else really REALLY doubting if they can handle a military life/relationship? My sailor has a five year contract. Just finished the first month of bootcamp. But it feels impossible. I feel lost and alone. And that my boyfriend is no longer mine. His commitment to the navy is always going surpass me. I don't have any control on communicating to him. And it's going to be like that for FIVE. YEARS. We've been dating for about 8months and it's both of our first serious relationship.
I don't know. I'm a very touchy lovey person and i don't get that from him now. And even after PIR on his "liberty days" he still can spend ONE night with me. After 60 of no kissing or holding hands or anything, I still don't get that's"luxury" and I hate that a relationship in the military feels like a luxury.
I'm "lucky to hear from him" after three weeks of zero word from him. And "feel lucky you got a letter" once a week after thinking and missing and wanting to hear from him forever.

It's not his fault. It's nothing wrong with the navy. But I don't feel like I'm in a relationship and I definitely do not have much of a say in the relationship for the next five years.

Does anyone else relate or have advice for feelings? I feel guilty for thinking this but I'm tired of people telling me to just wait it out. Even if I wait patiently for the next month, I only get 6am-10pm on Saturday+Sunday after PIR until he goes straight to a school where I need to just deal with all the new limitations and rules that are placed between me and him...

[Amanda]

Wow i can totally relate to you, I feel the same exact way. It's hard when your used to being with that person and now it's like you have to put your relationship on hold for years. Military relationships are hard and you have to be very patient and strong in order to keep one. If you guys really love each other then waiting shouldn't be a problem. I know how you feel , my bf just finished one month in bootcamp and it's been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. Maybe after bootcamp you too should talk about how the relationship will continue and ways to communicate with him. Stay strong It is hard but when you love someone , distance shouldn't be an issue. Good luck !!

[Desiree]

Being in a military relationship is very hard work. I remember boot camp days so vividly. My sailors been in for three years and we've been at our first duty station for almost two years. I started out just like you. In fact, we weren't even dating when he left for boot camp. We were just good friends, but boot camp brought us closer together. And on graduation day we decided to make it work long distance. We lived apart for about a year while he was in training and then we decided to get married. It's not easy but I will say that it is 100% worth it. We just celebrated two years of marriage and it has been an awesome experience. Your navy journey will be what you make it. Feel free to message me if you would like to know more. I know how tough it can be, so feel free to reach out if you need some support or even just an outlet to vent.

[Lauren]

I love this community. As much as I love my friends and family, they don't really know what this is like. My sailor has officially made it one month through bootcamp and graduates in a month; August 25th. My sister said 'wow it's been a month already? at last time is moving fast.' Maybe for someone outside of the relationship, yeah. I have a pretty good pokerface, to be fair. But I am taking it day by day but it also feels like a lifetime somedays.. 

That is why I am so grateful I have this community to turn to when I need a ear to listen and a heart to relate 

[Michael]

I hate to say this you have to find a way to deal with it. I'm married my husband before bootcamp. He was different when he came out but love beats everything. I truly believe that. You have to be his rock his home his foundation that what spouses are. He's doing something that god has inspired him to do and you should support him. I talk support groups to deal. Also think of this imagine how it was 20 years ago with no internet or cell phones. If spouses did it then we can do it now. Cheer up. Be proud.

[Kristenz12]

The first thing you need to do is ask yourself if you truly love him. I knew without a doubt I was along for the ride to support my boyfriend (now husband) no matter what, so it's definitely important to figure out just how much the relationship means to you. He is going through an extremely difficult time also, don't forget that. You have a huge support group here with all of us to lean on, and it really does help. Figure out your priorities and what is best for the two of you. It has been a bumpy and interesting road for us, but now we are happily married and everything has been totally worth it! Best of luck to you, and hang in there!

[Lauren]

Sorry to hear about that unclosed relationship. At least his friend was courteous enough to answer you back. But I am scared that our relationship might fail..But it is okay if it does. But I really really am going to give it my all to stay with my love. 

It is hard when I reach out for military relationship advice, most of the responses are 'do you think you'll get married/i you need to be 100% confident in this commitment and it makes me doubt myself. Cause we are still young and I wanna try to be a part of his adventure and new chapter in is life. 

[Samantha]

Hey Lauren! 

My husband and I have been together currently for not quite 3 years ( we dated through part of high school, broke up, and got back together after I finished my first part of college)

Military relationships are not easy. I think we all can attest to that. I definitely agree with some of you other ladies on here though, that it does get better! 

When my husband (boyfriend at the time) wanted to enlist, I knew it was going to be a bumpy road. You share your man with the Navy now, and sometimes you won't come first. That was a hard thing for me to get over. You shouldn't feel guilty about feeling tired of hearing people saying things about waiting it out. I know I have had many times I just wanted people to stop talking about it because they didn't understand it is like. A lot of us women have felt like that. 

Boot camp was the worst. After a few weeks, I had a lot of doubts if I could handle it. I cried A LOT (I'm a pretty sensitive person). But I just had to remind myself that boot camp is a trying time for myself AND him; and it was temporary. That our relationship meant the world to me, and I wanted to prove that to him. You just have to ask yourself what you really want. And there is no right or wrong answer. Only what is best for yourself. If you want to and can stick it out, I have found it to be very rewarding.

After boot camp, my man went to A school. While the distance was still hard, we were able to text each other almost every day, and we made it a point to call or Skype at least a couple times a week. It's not the same as being there together, but hearing each other's voices or seeing each other helped a lot. I was even able to plan a trip down there to see him. A school is nothing like boot camp in my opinion. They really do have quite a bit more time for themselves. They will have classes and have to stand watch once in a while, but there will be much more time to talk to family, friends, and significant others. 

After A school, they will go to their permanent duty station; wherever they have to choose from and is put in their orders. This is where they will start their jobs, and maybe do more school. This really becomes like a regular job for the MOST part. There is watch PT..that extra stuff. But I have found it to only be a minor change in regular schedule. PT is like once or twice a week, and watch is only every like so many days to my understanding. Yes, there is the possibility for deployment.

While I think it is important to talk about deployment (in the sense that it could happen and how you will go about keeping your relationship together), I would not worry about that until you have to. I'm still in that waiting game myself. My husband and I have not had to deal with deployment yet. We have however, lived apart now for almost two years. I wanted to finish school back home before moving out there with him. It has been challenging to say the least, but we have made it work. It really takes a lot of communication, commitment, love, and the willingness to be able to have your own lives while still being together. Our relationship has been a big priority for us, but we also understand the need to be individuals as well. I have another year before moving out there with him, so I definitely understand how the difficulties of distance. This whole experience, though, has made us only stronger and more appreciative of one another. 

Sorry for this long post. I just wanted to share my experience with you and maybe you can find some comfort in knowing you aren't alone in these feelings. Us military wives/fiances/girlfriends help support and keep each other going. I wish you the best of luck!! 

[Lauren]

I really appreciate you sharing your experience because it is so unknown at this point. And that is the hardest part.. He already signed his 5 yr contract for the Navy before we started dating. So I did't get to weigh in on the big life decision. Which is probably for the better because I would feel so guilty if he held back from it because of me... After we met, he was talking to his recruiter about shipping out and he said 'what the longest amount of time I can wait to leave. Cause I met this girl.."So we had 6 great months to build 'us.' Which is even cooler cause his family has gotten to know me and have extended an invitation to hangout with them.

I support him absolutely, I just doubt myself and my capability to be away from the other half of my heart... 

Military relationships do require a lot of commitment and patience. I am 20 and it feels like when I ask for advice/help from people, I get the blunt answer of 'if you are doubting the relationship and don't 100% know you are getting married, then you need to rethink this. 

As he started his journey, boot camp has caused a roller coaster of emotions.. Normally, I feel confident that we are strong enough to make this relationship stronger. But I have those terrible doubtful panic moments where I just think, "is this how my life with him will be?" And I re-read his letters or wear his t-shirts and feel grounded again

Anticipating and waiting for letters and phone call is something messes with me. I try to prepare myself that I may not receive communication from him..but my heart sinks every time I check the mail or wait by the phone on Sunday. I cried so hard when he called me about two Sundays ago. Hearing his voice.. after weeks of being in the dark. I got 8 mins to talk to him. He sounds good. And that he enjoys being "part of the machine" as he put it, with people who all have a common goal. And everyone around him is willing to help.

I love him so much. And this does give us the chance to grow and change individually. I miss being part of a couple. We are just so far apart physically and communicating (as of this point). Your advice on A school made me feel better. That boot camp bit is only temporary and he will have more chances to share his life with me.

[Samantha]

Absolutely! I was so clueless when my husband started out. I had no idea what to expect. I didn't know about the things he was talking about. I still find myself going "huh" or "what is that?" sometimes haha.. It's a journey for you both. Nobody's experience is the same, as no person is the same as another. But you will learn the ropes. 

That is awesome that his family is supportive and have reached out to you. As much as it is important to have your own family and friends there for you, I have found a lot of comfort in being around my Sailor's family. The advice I have received from other people, I don't take to heart. For me, it's hard to give something up if I know I haven't given it my all. I feel you when people have told you that if you aren't 100% sure, you need to rethink things. I have had people ask why I put myself through it, or they say they don't understand how I do it. And yeah, they probably don't. Military couples go through rough times. But if you both want it to work, you will find a way. 

As for shipping out, I have learned that there are many different types of deployment and they go for varying amounts of time. Some are short, some are long. If he ever gets notice that he might be deploying, and how long they are talking, he will let you know. 

The waiting game is the hardest part, I think, about the military. It's great he seems like he is enjoying it. As much as it hurts to miss him, you can find a little comfort in know that he is OK.

 If I can give a little advice as a Navy spouse, stick out boot camp. See what it is like afterwards when he gets into a routine where you are more included in his life. Once you guys get a chance to talk things over and figure out how you guys are going to go about keeping your relationship strong, you may feel a lot better. 

If you need anything, or even just want to vent (trust me, you might need to once in a while), don't hesitate to message me! 

[Nikki.]

Was there a way to you got through boot camp my bf of a month wants to enlist we well be dating for four months when he leaves for Chicago i am very scared he well get sent over seas or far away i currently can't drive any advise