Candid discussion about cheating...

[Amac23]

I have been wanting to post this question, but hesitant about it, as no one seems to be concerned about it. But here goes:

My husband is in BT, PIR 4/6, and then he is on to San Antonio. We live in SoCal. He went in as a reservist, but I already know that he is going to go active. I want to support him fully. It's a noble venture and great life experience.

However, wherever he goes- I won't be following. My daughters need stability, so I won't move them. And I own my own dance studio, so I am tied down here.

Am I the only one who worries and struggles with the concept of him being faithful? To give some backgroud: We've known each other since Jr. High. We were great friends first and are very happily married. This is no cheating or drama involved in our relationship at all. But I am of the philosophy that anyone is capable. It's those that swear they could 'never' stray that I find worrisome. Fact is, humans are human, and being away from your spouse for long periods of time with no physical or emotional interaction is a real strain. Coupled with the ol' cliche' of having ready and willing woman waiting around when they reach ports..well...I get a little antsy.

I'd love to hear people's thoughts, especially those wives that have been through this for a while.

[MySailorIsAwesome]

Like I said, don't stress or bring unnecessary drama to your husband. Just be aware of the realities down there. Many girlfriends, fiances and wives wrap their indentity into their sailors and live in denial about this issue. If your husband is mature and has integrity, true love and devotion to your family, you have no worries. :o)

 

Some of the ladies on the forum know I was a DEVOTED girlfriend who sent care packages, edible arrangements and could afford to visit. That's how we DC girls do it lol. But he kept putting me off about visiting...and then the fun began.

 

LPO (Not) Awesome revealed himself to have no integrity. The entire time he claimed to be faithful and busy with school was a lie. He's from the SA area and was actually out socializing, going home on the weekends and living it up; they didn't class up from mid-November until second week January. Then, when the 19 year old arrived January 6, apparently they hooked up within a week or two of her reporting.

 

Since I'm not a wife, I have no recourse. But I'm damn glad I'm not HIS wife! Really, it's his loss...I'm the full package and all woman. Their fling/ relationship won't likely last and they'll both move onto their duty stations, probably not together. He'll realize his BIG mistake and the incredible life he could have had with me. Like I said... *kanye shrug*

[Anti M]

Damn, MySailorisASSholey, I will miss your candid posts.  Yeah, Great Lakes ET A school was a lot like that, and that was 30 years ago.  Young men and women... it can be dangerous.  But not every sailor is a horn-dog, they simply have plenty of opportunity.  For some guys, they rationalize it... "I'm not married, so it can't be cheating."    Others will never cross that line.   So it comes down to trust.   

I don't want to scare all the GFs and young wives, just keep a calm head and your eyes open, don't be accusing, but listen to your instincts.  It is a difficult line to walk when you're alone, sad and not quite sure how things are going.

[sailorwifenmom]

Exactly! 

[MySailorIsAwesome]

You're exactly right, it's about opportunity versus integrity...just keep your cool ladies. :o)

 

Now mushy stuff...awwwww!

Bwahahaha!...MySailorisAssholey is EPIC! Thanks for that :o)

I'll lurk from time to time lol! You've helped me get through this experience in so many ways! I'll be alright, you know how DC girls do it! :oD 

 

.

[Ashley10]

I know that was scary to read =/ worried me a bit... Luckily, my boyfriend is already out of A school and all like that...

BUT not to worry you anymore Amac, but he was with his ex wife when he went to A school and he even told me that he could of cheated on her...

It happens... But maybe we should take Anti M's mind set- and decide to not want to know.. But I also know if you're anything like me, you'd worry yourself sick at the thought of it... =/

 

 and to MySailorsAssholey, CONGRATS on your upgrade =) lol... LPO (not) awesome is one day going to look back and say man I effed up!!!! =)

[sailorwifenmom]

I was Active duty when I met my Sailor, and he's still in the Navy, and we've also been doing this a long time.  From what I saw, from "both sides of the pier" so to speak, is that some men (and women) are dogs, but many are not.  If they're going to cheat, they're going to cheat.  Whether it's with their co-worker on their lunch break as they work their 9 - 5 job, or if they're in the military.  It's the same with spouses.  You say you're worried about if he's going to cheat, but the thing is, you are just as likely as he is (and in a LOT of cases, the spouses left at home have MANY more opportunities to do so).

I've heard of or known a LOT more Sailors who have come home from deployment to a wife who had an affair / was leaving them for another man than I saw Sailors who cheated on their wives.  Yes, there's a lot of talk, bluster, etc.  But, frankly, a lot of those guys will talk big, but still go back to their berthing alone, to, frankly, masturbate to a picture of their wife or girlfriend (ugh - trust me, I heard WAAAAYYYY more conversations about "surgical gloves and a rubber band so it doesn't feel like your own hand" than I EVER wanted to.....)

Do some men cheat?  Yes, they do.  Do some wives cheat?  Yes, they do.  Regardless of which of them (or both) wear the uniform.  But there are a LOT out there that don't. 

You need to decide if you trust him or not, and if you are going to be trustworthy or not.  I told my husband that if, while he was deployed, he made a mistake and was with someone, that, while it would be hard and would involve counseling and testing, I could forgive him - on certain conditions.  First of all - he would have to TELL me - himself - NOT have me find out from someone else (or, Heaven forbid, from me getting a disease) - because people make mistakes, and I could understand that, but if you don't tell me, then that's not a mistake, that's a lifestyle choice, and I would always wonder what he was hiding.  And I WOULD find out - the military is a small community - someone with him will know, and they will tell someone, etc, until it got back to me (either because they were my friend and wanted me to know, or wanted to hurt me and told me). Second of all, this was a ONE time only deal, and it did NOT apply when he was on shore duty / in homeport - NOT something that he could do all the time or use as an excuse to have an affair. 

We have been married 20 yrs, and he says that he has been faithful the entire time.  I believe him.  For one thing, I know I was able to be faithful to him (with opportunity to cheat), so why should I believe that I'm somehow stronger or more trustworthy or better / able to be faithful than he is?

OH - and by the way, yes, there is that expression "girl in every port" - but there's also those expressions that, if you don't  mind my crudeness, go "I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole" and "I wouldn't screw her with your dick"....

Many of those girls are NASTY dirty.  I remember my husband calling and complaining once when he was in port in Spain.  He and some friends had been out, and as they were walking back to the ship a woman came up to them and was trying to pick them up.  My husband was on the edge of the group and she put her arm around his shoulder.  He said the stench from her pits alone was so bad, that he had to wash his jacket twice and spray it with fabreeze to get the smell out. 

Many of the girls in Thailand and etc are VERY underage - like sickeningly so - we're talking 12, 14, yrs old (and they look it).  Most "good guys" aren't attracted to that - especially those with daughters. 

Not to mention the Navy has really cracked down on educating Sailors about the very real and prevalent sex slave industry.  Even the single Sailors that get caught visiting brothels that use sex slaves (or are suspected of it) can and will get in a LOT of trouble (for the moral reasons and because of the crime and likelihood of being robbed or catching something).  The more "legit" places that don't use sex slaves frequently don't let Sailors in.

Basically, what it comes down to is whether or not you choose to trust him, and whether or not he chooses to be trustworthy.  And vice versa.

[sailorwifenmom]

Also, for what it's worth, as far as your kids go, you would be surprised - the Navy can be a very stable environment to raise your kids in, and there are lots of resources and support and activities for them.  Our oldest is in the Navy now himself and our youngest is getting ready to graduate.

They both have very close relationships with extended family (on my husband's side, but hey, to be fair, my mom isn't even close to the grandkids that live less than 5 miles from her, so...).  They both are still in touch with kids they've been friends with since elementary school.  Also, they've both played sports, been in scouts, involved in our church, Honor Roll / NHS students who took / are taking AP classes, etc.  My daughter is even Pres of her Senior Class and Pres of the NHS, and has just gotten a great scholarship to Oklahoma State University.  We still have family traditions, and all that "normal" stuff, but at the same time, they've gotten to see the world and do things that most people - let alone teens - only dream of doing.  (For instance, this past summer, before our son left, we went and climbed Mt. Fuji as a family.)

I'm NOT trying to push you to go with him, and I do understand about your dance studio making things harder (though Youth Services are ALWAYS looking for people who are able to teach dance / run a dance studio as part of their MWR and Youth Services programs), but it's just something to keep in mind as you make your choices, because it really isn't as bad as the stereotypes make it seem, ya know :-)  

[meagan5220]

great advice!! both post!!! I agree my husband called me from Thailand and said his eyes burned just being there, and he def would never bring me for a visit. another sailor posted on his fb if you have any sort of morals whatsoever never come to this city! lol

 

I also want to say congrats to O state :) My hubby and I are both from OKC and he is a huge O state fan!!!

 

I agree you also hear about a lot of wives cheating! One person said wives put tide boxes in their window to let them know their husband is out, another said they put a red light in the porch light or leave a broom on the porch! I was like what??? I see tons of stories about girls saying oh I cheated on my husband while he was deployed.. it was one drunken mistake I am gonna not tell him bc I am protecting him?? needless to say.. If you look for it you will find people doing it. But I do try to never judge my marriage based on anyone else's you will always be upset one time or another

[sailorwifenmom]

Thanks :-)  (both for the comments about the posts, and for the congrats for our daughter - she's super excited!)

And you're absolutely right - there are tons of stories out there about the cheaters, but the thing I think we all need to remind ourselves sometimes is that we only hear about the cheaters, because it's what's "juicy" and "gossip worthy" - nobody ever really talks about their neighbor, coworker, former friend, etc, who stayed faithful the whole time, went back to their barracks room or house alone every night, and did what they needed to do without being a dog or a tramp about it, kwim?  Even though there are just as many - if not more - of those people out there...

[meagan5220]

I bet she is!! Its a really great school!! Oklahoma can be a little slow compared to other states and the weather a lot crazier (Most of feb included 60-70 degree temperatures this year lol) but i love it. If she ever has any questions about the area feel free to PM me if she needs anything.

 

thats so true. You dont hear about the senators that do what they are supposed to, act right, and dont cheat only the ones that dont. Its a sad fact of life. People thrive on drama and gossip

[KikiOtter]

SailorWifeMom ....if this post (and your one above) were facebook posts I'd be clicking "Like" like crazy! lol

Totally agree with you on all of your points. My husband and I have been together for a long time, and we've discussed every possibile scenario we could think of over the years. We frequently have friends wondering how it is we are the couple we are. They just cant seem to comprehend our level of trust or something. So many people these days just don't see how anyone can have a friend of the opposite sex and hang out with that friend without the spouse or other friends present. I KNOW my husband and he KNOWS me. Both of us know our limits and what the other one would say is too far.

As for kids and the Navy, that again was something that we discussed extensively before hubs was even talking with a recruiter. Our son is four years old (and a very outgoing well-mannered young man) and we wondered how he would fare the moving every couple of years and such. Weighing all the pros and cons, the only thing we worry about is taking him out of the midwest (where the majority of family lives, where we've lived most of our lives) and away from his frequent visits with his grandparents. He makes friends quickly as is at this age, so that's not a worry. And schools that the military kids go to have higher testing scores and graduation rates. Not to mention benefits our son can receive down the road for post-secondary education (if he should choose it).

 

Military life is not for everyone, as the saying goes. But for us, it looks to be a good fit. We'll see as time progresses I guess. What holds them together? Trust. Understanding. Respect. Faith. Love. Not necessarily in that particular order. :)

[krisnjay]

One thing that you have to keep in mind is that he loves you, he married you, and is wedding vous were to you. trust him, although he and you both may struggle with the area, talk about it, be honest with eachother. steve and I just read this book called I Promise, and I think it might be a good read for you try it out :) even if the two of you cannot read it together, read it, some good insite into your marriage will come from it! It was great for us!