Deployment help :/

[Katie26]

I'm 19, and my sailor is deployed. we have only been together a year and 7 months. its really hard only being the girlfriend and not having a more permenant commitment as a wife does. I know him really well and i KNOW he still cares but he barely acts like it. last nov. we broke up for 4 months. and being devastated is an understatement. within that time he dated another girl for just over a week...:/ I dont believe he honestly moved on from me or he wouldnt have broken up with her or came back to me. things have been different since then tho becuase we didnt have enough time spent together yet to build back our relationship. now its 7 months later and we are better but no where near what we were. i have heard during deployments you cant build and grow, its more about just sustaining the relationship until he gets back...is this true? He barely says i miss you. it took him 3 months to say it after leaving and now he wont say it anymore...i need help. :/

[Carol-Cody'sgirl]

I completely agree, my fiance's deployment has only strengthen our relationship. It is so hard because I miss him so much, but we cherish every email and phone call we get from eachother!!!!

[CUPCAKE]

My boyfriend left three days ago for boot camp. He is very hard to read but if your boyfriend is with you, then he must care about you. the best thing in a relationship is communication. just try talking to him about it. It will help through everything

[Katie26]

Thankss!(:

[Jess_0411]

I think that deployment is what you make it. You can see it as a time to take the easy way and just sustain your relationship or you can see it as a challenge to yourselves to make you relationship grow. Just because he's gone doesn't mean all you have to do is sned e-mails talking about your day. When my husband deploys, I keep him in the loop by sending him articles about his favorite sports team or band. I e-mail pictures of a family get together and let him know how everyone is doing. I mail him books that I know he might like and then in e-mails ask him about then and what he thinks. I send him cds that his favorite band puts out. Or I'll just e-mail him real quick and say "Thinking about you. Love you, miss you, can't wait to see you again". Challenge yourself eac and every day to find some way to grow in your relationship. My favorite is when my husband and I play 20 questions in our e-mails and e-mail 20 questions regarding things we've always wanted to know about each other. Its fun, and it makes you feel close even though you're miles away. Good luck (:

[Katie26]

Thank you so much(:

[Anti M]

There's a lot of good advice and wonderful stories here.  

Deployments emotions are very individual for couples, but yes, they do fall into general categories.  Some men will withdraw while they are away, they don't like missing their loved ones and family.  So they bring their emotions in, and won't express themselves, and let their end of the communications drop.  It is a way to protect their hearts.  That's a burden for the woman far away, but just keep being cheerful, keep up the letters and emails.  But do not nag or pick at them, don't push for the "I love you" words. Some guys do better if they keep it wrapped up, that reassurance may not be something they can give you verbally while they're away.  My husband is like that.  I know it, and I don't worry about him when he's away just because he doesn't stroke my ego and settle my fears.  (yes, he's retired Navy, but now he drives truck and is often gone).

If you are used to a daily feast of love, it is very difficult to live on crumbs of affection.  

Here's the trick to a long marriage... you have to love yourself.  You have to take care of your body, your mind, and your soul. You are in charge of your happiness, you make it happen.  Of course we are all happier when our men are by our sides.  But there are going to be these long times when they are not, and being unhappy the whole time is just unreasonable.  Be sad when you need to be sad, but in the meantime, work on yourself, on what brings you satisfaction and joy.   Your sailor will surely appreciate a strong, healthy, interesting woman.  Be that woman!  Do NOT be the whiny, needy little girl who must have him holding up her whole world.  No one likes that.  Don't be the screaming bitch, the controlling harpy, or the jealous shrew.  It is ugly and immature.   Oh, we all fight and argue with our guys, but don't make a disagreement a personal attack, and don't be ugly when he gets too busy for the little things while he's out on that ship.  Know in your heart he loves you, and hang in there.  Deployments don't last forever, but if you do the work, your love certainly can.

[Rica0725 - Ship 02 Div 935]

wow! very well said Anti M! :) very real & inspiring! thanks for that! :)

[Anti M]

Thank you.  LOL, I've had a little bit of practice.

[Katie26]

I agree, thank you so much for that. What I hate the most is he will tell other people (friends and family) that he misses them, but not me. I feel so stupid saying it and having him ignore it. One the bad days I even start to think that maybe he actually doesnt. What do you recommend is a good pastime hobbie to get into to pass time, and keep my mind off of things. I read alot, but you can only read so much lol. 
I def. love your last statement of this. "Deployments dont last forever, but if you do the work, your love certainly can."

[Anti M]

Try finding a place to volunteer... with children, or vets, or animals or seniors or the homeless, or at a mission or food bank.  

Work out, start an exercise routine, even if you just begin with walking.

Sew or make things to donate.

Learn to cook, see what free courses are offered in your community.

[meagan5220]

along Anti M's line too do not be that girl because it alienates you from the other wives/gf/fiancees etc. We all understand that everyone has their bad days and needs a vent, cry, yell, or I hate the Navy day...we ALL have them! but when everyday its something negative or upset or whining or bitching the other spouses will tune you out and ignore you. They are dealing with the same situation possibly even more complications and the last thing they need is someone constantly reminding them it sucks. I cannot explain to you how quickly that will make me retreat from another wife. If they are always posting negative updates on facebook say or negative post then I dont want to be around them. And I will be one hundred percent honest with you a good spouse network is the BEST network to have I think bc they get it. :)

[Carol-Cody'sgirl]

My advice would be to comfront him. Tell him how you feel, be honest cause he needs to know. Sometimes men just don't realize how they can make us feel. I had a difficult time with my now fiance while he was in a-school, but it was due to the fact he finally realized what kind of life he had truly signed up for. So he sturggled for a little while, but we maintained and worked through it. It was tough for me when my sailor first left for basic and then a-school feeling like I was only his girlfirend and like you said not having that permanent connection as a wife does. If he really wants this to work then yall will find a way. A deployment can do wonderful things to a relationship, but it can be hell on your heart at the same time. The separation can be unbearable, but because you can only talk and email you develop another type of love and trust which makes your relationship that much stronger and better. I hope everything works out for the best for you and him!!! Just remember always be open and honest with him.