Feeling pretty hopeless lately...

[missingmygiant]

My SR and I have been together for a year now, and it hasn't really been an easy year for us, not even really anything that was of any fault of ours though, just lots of things happened with my kids,  with work, life and the normal stress that comes with it. I have been in several long term relationships, (none of which have been normal healthy relationships for me) therefore I was really reluctant, and determined to protect my heart much better this time, in this new relationship.

Well, pretty quickly into the relationship, he told me he was in love with me, and I kind of shut down and instantly put up my walls to distance him from me.  Due to him being so damn stubborn, and never giving up on me, -time after time- when I tried to push him away, I decided to quit being a stubborn ass myself, and give him a chance when he was was trying to convince me to spend time with him for his last week here before leaving for boot camp. 

So I did, and being together was amazing..  Then he left. I was really sad, but due to being busy, it hadn't really hit me that hard...yet.  Then,..it hit me like a ton of bricks, and for three weeks, I heard nothing from him.  I was devastated, angry, starting to feel like I was driving myself crazy feeling like he didnt want me anymore.

Then I got four letters from him all at once! *insert heavenly sound effect here* I was ecstatic! And my letters to him have haven't stopped ever since. This distance and experience has brought out a greater appreciation of each other, for both of us.

He had been wondering for months how I really felt about him, I would tell him I loved him, but was never really good with the mushy, affectionate sides of me that could show any kind of vulnerability, and when I write to him now, it just pours out of me. I finally admitted to him that I am in crazy in love with him, finally admitted it to myself.

I was always afraid of marriage, terrified of letting someone get too close to me, and with my SR, -for the first time in my life-, I am not afraid of it, am looking forward to it, yet I am afraid of being without him. Im afraid of him not being my future, I just can't see it without him.  I just love him sooo much. 

 

Problem is, Money is really really tight , some of his family said they would help me get there, then not only did they back out of helping me, but are waiting until the last minute to book travel and they seem to be picking the most expensive places to stay and wanting me to coordinate with them knowing that I cannot do so, they do not want me to go.  I have a lot of health issues going on, some of them are becoming quite serious, and then we found out he has to have a surgery after bootcamp and he doesnt know when he will be able to fly home due to his own recovery. 

 Seeing him,watching him graduate, and being able to have him hold me afterwards, its what has been my strength to survive through all of this, it has been my bright light to look forward to. Now, not only do I feel like my light has been shut off and my hope is gone, but I am having problems writing to him, (two days now that I haven't, when I was writing him every day), because I can't fake the happiness, I can't pretend I am okay, I cant find the positive.

 

I am scared, I don't know when I will see him again, and the more time that elapses, the fact that we don't really know a specific time frame, the more Im afraid I -wont- ever see him again.    :( :(  

 

I know that he would understand, if I cant make it. He is a very understanding person, my feeling is that, the people who are capable of helping me, just dont really care enough to, and I feel like people dont understand how much I needed this for me, just as much as I needed/wanted to be there for him.

 

[sailorwifenmom]

I'm really sorry :-( I know it's important to be able to be there, but sometimes things in life happen and we just can't be. Maybe write to him and explain that you won't be able to be there, but that you still love him very much, and you'll be there in spirit, and that you can't wait to at least get to talk to him once he's graduated. Also, you could ask him about the possibility of one of his family members taking a laptop so he can skype with you from their room, and / or plan a date when he's home on leave for you two to watch his graduation video together.

I know it's not the same, and this hurts :-( Try to hang in there for both your sakes, and remember, even though this is important, it's just the first of many many important ceremonies in his career - and you two have a lifetime together to share them :-)

[missingmygiant]

Thank you for your kind words and ideas.  I am really hoping that we will have a lifetime to share memories together, that's the part I am scared of not having though. I'm waiting on biopsy results for one problem, and will have few other procedures done soon to try to find out about my other ones. I'm too young to feel so old,  :(  I am doing my best to hang in there and be as strong for him as I can be though, and I am just hoping that I see him sooner rather then later, if you know what I mean.

[Anti M]

I don't have much advice, but am sending you the best healing thoughts, love and light. Hugs.

Biopsies scare the shit outta me, so I know you're not in the best place you can be right now.  One day at a time is the best you can do.  Be gentle with yourself, don't beat yourself up if you can't be upbeat, and if life gets in the way.

[sailorwifenmom]

I am so sorry! Biopsies are such awful things! Praying that yours come back ok!

Is there any way you can still go, but not stay with the others, like stay somewhere cheaper, or maybe just tell him you can't afford it on your own and your Sailor can send you a check to help with the cost?

I am so sorry - I do pray that everything is ok and you DO have a lifetime together!!!