Feeling terrible...Need Advice

[alyson_lynn]

I got a call from my recruit today, saying he is now a Sailor. Words can not express how proud I am of him. But on the phone I asked him what he thought of my applying to a school around me. Before we left we had talked this over and I found out that he might be on "tour" or whatever that is called, but he might be on the ship when I start college. I don't know what to do. I would love to live down there with him, but I'm so torn. Because what if he isn't gonna be around? What if he will spend more time apart? Then I'll be millions of miles away from my family without anyone. If I knew for certain that he would start stationary at least for a semester at a time I would definetly do it.

I told him about this decsion and how I applied for another college. He got mad. I totally understand his feelings. He's afraid he will lose me. He's afraid bad things will happen or we will grow apart. That is one reason I feel absoultely terrible-- our phone conversation was so upsetting. But then when I read the letter he had written me in reply to me writing him a letter about all this college stuff, I felt even worse. He told me that if I'm just gonna stay home he might as well apply for the FMF.

I'm so frustrated. Going to a college around me is my PLAN B. I would love to live with him, but if the circumstances don't allow me too right away there is nothing I can do. :( :( :(

So upset, someone give me some advive :(

[abuon18]

You two are going to spend A LOT of time apart during his deployments. If he is getting upset because you don't want to move to his permanent duty station because he's afraid of the distance then he picked the wrong career as far as your relationship is concerned. You need to do what is ultimately the best thing for YOU even if it upsets him. And you can always transfer schools. Right now it sounds like you're just applying so you don't need to make a decision right away. Maybe by then he will have his orders & things will be a little more concrete as far as he's concerned which can help you make your decision. But if you don't do what's right for you, you might end up resenting him. My advice to you is to apply anywhere you want to go, whether it's your dream school across the country, or a safety school 5 minutes from where you've lived your whole life. You don't need to make a decision until you start getting your acceptance letters. Also keep in mind... College is when a lot of people move away from home for the first time, so if that is one of your concerns, moving somewhere you won't know anyone except your bf who might be deployed, just remember a lot of people there will be going through the same thing! Good luck & congratulations on having a Sailor!

[Anti M]

It is true that almost everyone gets orders to a ship for their first set of orders. Since the ships are out a lot lately, the odds of his having to go directly to a ship which is already out on deployment, or getting ready to go on deployment are fairly high.  There is no way to know until he has orders in hand.  This is a gamble you have to take to be near him; and he should be able to listen and hear your fears.   No easy answers here.

 

What is his A school?  Because it could be close to a year before he'd know about his orders.

 

At some point you will likely have to change schools.  As for being apart, it will happen, and it will happen when you are far away from family.  You have to decide if that will be the deal breaker in the long run.

[alyson_lynn]

His A school is in San Antonio and he won't be done with A school until February 14 or so. That's around when I should start signing for school. I would love to live with him, but how do I apply for schools if I don't know where he is going to be. Uggghh. :(

[alyson_lynn]

Thanks so much for the help. I try to ask my friends and family, but they don't understand what it is like to have the love of your life in the Navy.

[navygirl]

alyson- I do understand what it is like to have the love of your life in the Navy, too! Let me catch you up to speed with my situation so that you do not feel like you are in this alone! Me and my sailor met at college and (when we are at home) live 30 mins apart...When we started dating he already had his boot camp date and I had already gotten accepted to graduate school in Boston (we are from georgia!), so we knew that once he was done with boot camp our lives would be dramatically different. He graduated bootcamp Sept. 1 and has been in San Antonio for Corpsman training since (Isn't that what your bf is doing too!?) and what I can tell you is the communication gets BETTER. It still isn't ideal- I get to text a little and get a call or two a day, but some days are worse than others and weekends are GREAT. SO, I totally know what you are thinking since school is pulling you in one direction but ultimately you want to be near him....What I can say is that he does not regret joining the navy (pulling him away from me) and I do not regret going to grad school (pulling away from him). Yes it is difficult, but it would still be difficult if I was 50 miles apart vs. 5000 because the toughest part is the fact that they are in the NAVY and can't make decisions based on relationships. My advice to you is to not make decisions based on his life. He won't be able to predict where he will end up at all (my sailor has NO clue what will be offered to him when he finishes school) and whatever he ends up with could require more training, or moving to a new location! It is not to say that you do not love and care about him and consider him in decision making but if you love him and want to be with him and he feels the same then you WILL be together regardless of where he is. They come out of bootcamp so much more appreciative of what their girlfriends sacrifice to make the relationship work and are more dedicated and committed then before boot camp, so I have no doubt that if you two love each other and support one another then living apart will be fine. Yeah, it is tough, but living in San Antonio wouldn't fix things totally...It is hard because our relationship now includes the navy. We love each other SO much and hope to get married some day, but know that we are still too young...so stay strong and do what is right for YOU. It is not selfish to do what is best for you and cross your fingers everything ele turns out right. This is a time in your life where you can have it all--the boy, the perfect school, a great relationship, and great new experiences...so much will change throughout his career, so choose something stable for yourself!

[proudnavy11]

Hi there just keep this in mind. He joined the navy to better his life. To make something of himself. 

This will get easier if you have faith in your relationship. If your heart tells you he is the one. 

 

I suggest you live your life as he does his. Im not telling you to move on. Im saying since he is focusing on his career why dont you focus on yours in the meantime? and if life permits everything will fall into place in the future.

 

 

 

[meagan5220]

What is your degree, what do you plan to do for a career. Luckily most schools have most basic degree plans. That is not always the case tho. In my case it wasnt. I had was starting my senior year in a program that is not offered many places and wasnt very good if it was. I was going to the best school in the country for my program and I wasnt gonna leave. Even though at first it meant I would be away from my husband for another semester until I graduated and he would deploy before I was done meaning another 6 months. (Luckily I finished early bc a class opened up for summer school.) I would say look into your options. So he is abt to graduate bootcamp then until the middle of feb for A school, here is another kicker he may not get out of A school then he could be put on hold until his class fills up. One thing I have learned with my husband coming and going is I cannot put my life on hold bc of him. I will be miserable. You could always look at online schools get your associates then when you are done with that you should probably have your first duty station and you can apply for schools around where you guys are going to be for awhile.

 

One thing I will caution is to be careful giving up your dream. I once listened to a great speaker by the name of Dr. Henry Lee a brilliant Forensic Scientist (my field of study) I will never forget what he said "If you have ever lost a dream you have lost a life" I think abt that sometimes when I get stressed abt figuring out how I am gonna manage going to grad school (the one I want is soooo pricey!) but I wrote down my goals in life and I will go to grad school and I will do what I want. So just always look at what your dream is. Remember that and use it. I want to be a counselor for children that were victims of violent crimes. Everytime I tell someone what I want to do I think abt a child that had something horrible happen to them and needs someone to talk to. That drives me. My husband knows that I dont want to just stay at home that I am going to have a career. You might have to talk to your husband abt your goals, dreams, and ambitions. I understand that this is their career but dont give up yours either.

[HalfOfMyHeart]

One thing he has to remember, is he would barely be able to see you even if you were going to school near him. My husband is in a school right now, we got married before b.c. and that's the only reason I get to see him as often as I do. He needs two buddy's to get off base with him and family is usually the only ones that can sign him out, its very rare and tough to have anyone but family sign him out with a buddy deviation chit. The military life is he furthest thing from easy, you have to be very strong (it comes with every day you're apart ;)) to get through the hardships the distance puts you both through. Do what you can for your education right now while you can't see him because by the time he has his perm. Duty station who knows maybe you'll be done with a good chunk and can transfer to be with him. The navy is full of what ifs and I don't knows but just stick it out because eventually you'll be able to be together and al this will be worth it. Make sure you remind him of that too! Hope everything works out for you, and if you're going with family to graduation, make sure you have a while to be alone just you two. I can't stress how important it is and how much it will help you guys!

[welshcorgi25]

I kinda have the same thing. I just recently got my first letter from him saying he wonts to get married next year so I am living with him and when he gets back I will be there. My parents are not really good with it. almost been together for 2 years and we are 19 but were going to be engaged next year and we will see were is takes us. I have been wanting to start college but I have but it off because of the price. He convened me to join the navy (I am not telling you to join) I was originally going to go reserves to be gone one weekend a month and two weeks a year and I can request to be stationed were he is going to be. I just changed to active duty and I just thinking how it is going to be not being around him. We may hardly ever see each other because when he gets back I might be out on ship or vice verse a. I am getting my degree in the navy in Culinary and going to go to college off duty for vet tech. As long as you are dedicated to each other it will work. Going to be ruff not seeing each other for a long time. I am sure you two will find some way to make it out.