Get Married... yeah about that

[Ashley10]

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and we've been through one deployment and getting ready to survive another one, like any couple we've had our ups and downs but who doesn't?

Well, recently one of my friends asked me if he asked me to marry him, would I say yes? After a little bit of thought I decided that I would say yes, because I came to this revalation that I could see myself doing this day in and day out, because I'm happy with him (even given the certain a$$hole moments) and I do love him. We've both fought to hard to keep this relationship alive, and I'm not going to give it up with a flick of the wrist.

However, as nice as this sounds and romantic even possibly, there is the harsh realization, that he will probably never ask me. He was married before once and it was a horrible marriage from the  stories I've heard and the divorce even worse, and it seems like it some silly way (maybe I'm over thinking it) he is comparing me to his ex-wife. Then recently he posted on facebook 'was thinking what it would be like to be married to someone =/ that's right how could I forget, its like having your balls put through a meat grinder then fed back to you like a baby bird.'

I was floored when I read that.. I was so upset by it and I let him know, which he did take it down eventually because I told him it offended me, but still the damage had already been done by it...

So now I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't be so ready to spend my life with him? Because I'm not going to be stuck in the girlfriend zone for the rest of my life... If he had a different profession maybe, but in the Navy (or any military branch for that) you have NO benefits what so ever and no matter how long you've been together, doesn't make you 'special.' And I had read on another post that someone replied to stating 'it might just seem like a piece of paper but the Navy wants that paper' which is ABSOLUTELY true!!!!

Should I still be so upset about this, should I be having these thoughts? I've thought about setting myself a personal timeline for him to ask me and if he doesn't just throwing it all in... But I feel like that is wrong of me to do, because if he doesn't want to be married, I can't force him into it...

 

Anyone else feel this way? Or any encouraging words that can maybe lift my spirits?

 

[Amac23]

Ouch- what a rough thing to read! I am so sorry :(

Well, I am going to give you advice as if you are one of closest friends, so lots of honesty:

Bad news first: my first instinct is that I really do believe you need to move on. If marriage is important to you, if starting a family is important, and if getting to a place where you have lots of together time matters, this is not the right relationship for you. It worries me that after two years, he doesn't see the value in being married or has developed the understand is that each relationship is as different as the people in them. I would hate to see you invest two more years only to be heartbroken and have to start all over.

Good news next:  I don't know your BF or his ex. Who knows the situation, the hurt, the heartbreak, etc? It sounds like it was a really bad situation. That being said, if it was a long and horrible marriage, it could take more than two years to heal and see what a catch you are. Again (and please don't be offended here) I find there to be a maturity issue if someone would make a blanket statement about marriage based on one bad experience. But only you know him and his heart.

The bottom line is I would really have a heart to heart with him, and tell you want marriage one day, that you're not his ex, and that if he really never plans on marrying again, it's fair to know this now so you can plan your next step, whatever it is.

[alpha Pavonis]

Wow! That is a lot to think about and go through! I am a new girlfriend to a sailor and it has been hard and he is scared of marriage, but has never been married. He hears a lot of horror stories of wives cheating and taking them for all they have so he is very cautious and who knows how long it will take him to propose, if he ever does! I will pray for you and the only advice I can give is to really listen to what people have to say on here because they have helped me a lot and give great advice!

[Ashley10]

I'm going to put this into one big reply instead of replying to both of you =) hope that's ok!!

 

Amac23- Thanks so much for the brutal truth, I've thought a lot of it, because yes, to me starting a family husband, kids, the dog, etc. means a lot to me and I'm scared that with him I'll never get it.

They were together for about 3 years but they had kind of dove right into the marriage, I think they were together for 6 months before getting married, I'm not 100% sure about that though. I mean I don't want to give up what I have invested in this either, and its not the time spent apart that bothers me, even though it sucks, I know it comes with the territory and its his job. I've promised to be here no matter what for him, but I also don't want to be waiting for a lifetime for him to make up his mind. Sometimes, I know it takes a while before you decide to marry someone, I know some people who waited like 5 years, but they also wasn't in a military relationship, so that's understandle. But being with someone in the Navy being just a girlfriend, even a fiance is tough, because you have no access to him what so ever basically.

Guess I just need to weigh out all the pros and cons with it, like I said I don't want to throw away the two years I have invested BUT I don't want to wait a lifetime either. And he knows how much it means to me and we've had a heart to heart about it before, and his answer is always the same, 'I know when I want to be married and have a kid and now isn't the time.'

Here's some bad news though, I have (even at the age of 22) bad hip/low back problems that my doctors have even told me the older I get the worse they will become and carrying a child might become near impossible also my pelvic ring is rotated clockwise so its going to make child birth (natural) hard to do, I'll have to have a C-section possibly. But I don't want to be 30 and he is ready for a kid then and its to late for me to even think about it because I can't carry, and then regret it later in life that I couldn't have the full american dream and do what I've always wanted to do which is raise my own kid. Adoption is an option, and I know there are plenty of kids that needs parents, but its never the same as the feeling you have giving birth to your own.

And he knows all of that too, but it doesn't change his mind.

Good news though, just found out like 20 minutes ago, that he was meeting with his career counsler and finishing up his Blue Angels packet and tomorrow it will be submitted, pending an interview with the Angels, and we'll find out if he gets it in June, so crossing fingers. And we've already discussed if he gets it, I'll be moving to Pensacola with him, so maybe something will change then? Because he knows its going to be hard for me to move with him, and either take a while to find a job or I'll get a job that doesn't offer health benefits, what not, and with my problems I need health insurance, so maybe...

 

Alpha- Well, being a new girlfriend is a scary thing, and then reading something like this is even scarier. Because automatically you're racking your brains thinking about your relationship and if it will survive or if your sailor will ever propose also, and it throws you a curveball. Trsut me, when I first joined this site and read through some of the other discussions, even after being together for 2 years, it was like wow! and my brain automatically started going through everything me and my SO have been through and all like that and it was like I was taking other women's stories and trying to determine if my life will be like that or is this what is going on, etc.

But needless to say, I'm still perfectly happy in my relationship (given the current setback) but through out my time on this site, I've only posted 2 discussions, this one and one about duty stations and so far I have gotten great feedback and even though I don't know you or any of the other girls that have responded personally, I can take what every one says seriously because I know EVERYone on here, has went through something of the same and they can understand where I'm coming from and will be straight up honest with me.

Also, in the last two years, I have met some wives personally and honestly, I'll never hang out with some of them again. A lot of the ones I know now are very faithful, but some weren't so much. When their husband was home, they were. But as soon as they deployed it was like a different guy every week. So, your boyfriend saying that he hears a lot about wives cheating, I believe him, because a lot do. But not just wives, even girlfriends do it also.. and I don't understand how they can say they love their SO and then turn around that night and bring a guy home from the bar. So I can understand where he is hesitant with that, but once again he doesn't need to compare you to others either. Same as my boyfriend doesn't need to compare me to his ex.

Thanks again Amac though for being so honest and blunt, to a point sometimes thats just what I need.. not the whole oh it gets better give him time etc. etc.

And Alpha- keep your chin up and enjoy your time together with your sailor and even if it gets rough when he is deployed or away, just keep strong, because that's what we're here for, to support them and even when we're breaking on the inside we keep a strong face on the outside...  and I'll also pray for you and your boyfriend, hopefully we both get to where we want with them and they will realize that we're not the same as others they hear about or in their past =) Thanks also for your prayers!!!!

[sailorwifenmom]

Have you talked to  him about how you feel, maybe telling him in a non confrontational sort of way that you understand that he was miserable before, and that his ex was a piece of work, but that you love him, and you worry about things like if something happened to him, you wouldn't have any sort of legal recourse to check on him, visit him in a military hospital, or even get notified.  Then tell him that you would love to spend your life with him, and you would like to get married, now or in the somewhat near future, and that, because you do love him and you know how hard it was for him with his divorce, you would be more than willing to sign a pre-nup as far as the financial stuff goes, and as far as the emotional stuff goes - whether you're married or not, simply being in a relationship at all has that risk...

See what he says and talk to him about it (of course, you would need to put it in your own words), but there's nothing wrong with talking to him openly and honestly and in a non confrontational way, offering to sign a prenup or something to help him feel more comfortable, and seeing what he says.  Plus, there's nothing that says you can't propose to him...

Once you see what he says and what he feels about it all, base your choices on what he says, and go from there...  Good luck!!

[Ashley10]

Thanks for the advice... Maybe I'll get to talk to him about it eventaully