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Here I am again
Well, my fiance called his mother tonight. I guess he was allowed a call, because of the hurricane, to check that his family is okay. I am glad that he called his mother, because this is the first he has contacted her so far. I have received three letters, and a phone call almost two weeks ago. However, I am feeling very uneasy about a few things...
One, as selfish as it is, I am wondering why he did not call me. I was very emotional in our first phone call, and I'm worried that I upset him and it made him not want to talk to me again. Again, I know it makes sense for him to finally call his mother, but I wish so much I could have heard his voice again. And I'm wondering if he is growing a part from me, after all this time. I don't think so - in the last letter, he wrote me a beautiful poem - but does anyone understand how I am feeling? I should not be upset that he chose to call his own mother instead of me, I know, especially when he called me the first time... but like I said, is it because I upset him before? I'm not sure what to think.
And the other part to this is that, according to his mother, he is very worried about failing. He had to take the firearms test twice and has to practice sit ups everyday. I'm not entirely sure what that means. I'm so lost on all of this, and alone. I want to talk to him now more than ever.
I would appreciate advice or counsel from anyone who is willing to offer it. Thank you.
Views: 203
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Dina0106 on
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You should not worry yourself so much. He probably called his mom because he did call u the first time and most likely just wanted to hear from his family. Try to get him to form friendships with other SRs that can help train and stay motivated. My fiance was trouble with his prone test, he did something similar
to what I suggested and he nailed it.. -
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Permalink Reply by mollybub on
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I am sure you are right. I worry too much, and I wish I wouldn't. My mind drives me crazy.
From what he has said, he has had help from others in his division and has formed some friendships. I hope this is helping. I hope my letters are helping. I just know I will be very glad when this is all over.
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Permalink Reply by sailorwifenmom on
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I wouldn't worry about it or read into it. As a wife of a Sailor and as the mom of a Sailor who is engaged, I can tell you that he loves both of you. One doesn't take away from the other, and he needs to have both of you in his life. Sometimes when he was deployed my husband called or emailed me, and sometimes he called or emailed his parents. Sometimes my son calls or visits with us, sometimes he's with his fiancee (she's going through the same school as he is, he's driving past our house to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family, and that's fine. We will see him shortly afterwards when he's on leave...) With the Navy lifestyle, that means that sometimes, you will be the one to get the call, but sometimes she will. This is a good thing, it shows that he loves and cares about his family, and that's a good sign that when / if you guys get married and have a family of your own, he will love and cherish that family, too!
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Thank you for saying that. It helps to hear it from other people. I know he does love me... I guess what I am mainly worried about now is that he was too scared to call me, for fear of upsetting me or himself, or that he didn't want to tell me he has been having trouble. All I have done through all of this is encourage him and push him to be the best he can be, and I'm wondering if, by doing all of that, I made him feel as if I will feel differently about him if he fails. I am probably thinking too much about it, but it's hard when I can't talk to him about it...
You have a good point, though - family is very important to my fiance! That has always been very clear to me, and it's one of the reasons I fell in love with him and want to marry him. Thank you for giving me that perspective, that helps as well!
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I'm glad that what I said helped some. It's easy to get caught up in the emotions of what if and maybe and all that. It's not a good thing to do, but it is tempting sometimes.
I bet he knows that you love and support him, and that he's taking what you say to be encouragement. If you're worried that he might be worried about it, then maybe just write him something along the lines of how you love him, and you want him to do the best he can, and to be the best Sailor he can be - NOT for your sake, but for HIS, because you know that it's what he wants for himself, but that, as far as you are concerned, you love him and support him and are proud of him no matter what happens, because he had the courage to try for his dreams, when so many don't.I know that my husband has told me before that over the years, me telling him this sort of thing has meant a lot to him. Because, even after they get through boot camp and school, there will be times that it's hard, and that they will feel like they "failed"... times they won't get that promotion that they really thought they deserved, or didn't get a particular award, etc... At one point in his career, my husband "hit a brick wall" so to speak, and just was not getting promoted, no matter what he did. He had outstanding evals, had tough duty stations, did collateral duties, you name it. But, the quotas just weren't good, and he just kept "just missing it"... He made the one rank first time up, then he was sat at that rank for 7 YEARS before he got promoted again. (the first 3 he wasn't eligible for promotion, so it's not as bad as it sounds, but still, he was pretty discouraged)...
There were times he felt pretty down about it, but I just kept reminding him that I was proud of him and loved him no matter what. He said that encouragement actually meant more to him than the celebration when he did make it.
Just keep encouraging him to do his best, and that you have faith in him that he can do it, and reminding him that you love him no matter what the outcome is, and I'm sure he'll feel your love :-)
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I constantly tell myself to stop doubting, because in the end, it's not going to get me anywhere and it certainly doesn't help any. But like you said, unfortunately, it can be tempting...
Luckily, about a week ago, I did have the sense to do what you said - I let him know that the Navy has nothing to do with our relationship and how we feel about one another, and that he has my love and support no matter what. Better late than never, I guess, but I wish I had written that letter sooner. What scares me, though, is that it was never really my fiance's dream to join the Navy. He wanted to be a marine biologist. But his mother did not feel that was a realistic dream, and because she wanted the best for him, she pushed him to enlist. And after he enlisted, he never seemed happy about it. All through the summer, he kept telling that all he wanted was to do his time and get out. I don't know. He joined in March, before we were engaged, so I didn't feel like it was my place to question his mother... but now, I'm wondering if perhaps I should have.
I'm sorry to spill this on you. I've kind of been holding that in, haha. I'm just scared, and worried I didn't do everything I could for my fiance.
But after reading you story about your husband, I know it is important to continue to encourage him, no matter what that might mean. I just want him to be happy, and to be the best he can be, and to know that I love him.
Thank you for your continued support and advice! It helps so much.
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Permalink Reply by meagan5220 on
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He might have only been allowed to make one phone call. I know I had a friend and her sailor was in BC when there was a shooting as a base and they let anyone who had a family member at the base call one person to make sure their family member at the base was ok. So he called his Mom to check and see if his brother was ok. But he was not allowed to call his wife too. Only one person.
They will help him pass. They can work with him on the firearms test. If his aim is off they have people trained to recognize what they are doing wrong and help them out. My husband probably did at least 100 pushups everyday lol. Mostly bc he laughs when he is mad or getting yelled at... soooo he did that a lot lol!! but I would say dont worry just keep encouraging him. They want them to pass and do well so they will help them out!
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His mom said that he only had ten minutes to talk, and that she could hear an RDC in the background counting down their time... and I'm sure he was only allowed one phone call. I guess I just wish I had gotten the call. Selfish, huh? Seeing as I got the first one... just miss him so much, I guess :/
I really hope you are right. My main concern is that he will be held back two more weeks in boot camp, if he doesn't pass. Another two weeks would kill all of us at this point. I can hardly let myself think about it.
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yeah he probably was. I know its hard but dont worry the next ones he will probably get more time. The last call my sailor called me for 20 minutes called his mom for 20 minutes and called me back for another hour so they get longer :)
I know its hard but believe me you can get through it :) It seems hard but you just have to keep your chin up. When my husbands deployment got extended by three months I was beyond upset. but I got through it. just keep trucking the way you were before.
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Permalink Reply by nish on
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Well dear, I am in the same boat as you are. I feel jealous or I be selfish sometime for the same reason. Like he called me first but i missed his call then he called him mom and she was in 7th wonder for receiving his first call. Later he asked her to give me the phone to speak with me.Presently i am staying with my in laws for couple of months. So listen what you feeling is quiet common and nothing strange in it. Just think it will take time for us to get use to this situation and he loves both of us equally now .So hang on with the same feeling it will go away and when he will give a call again to you saying '' I am Sailor calling'' you will forget everything else.
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Honestly, it helps to know that you are going through this too, that I am not the only one going through these feelings. They seem pretty ugly sometimes, and I'm not proud of them... but we're all human, right? Can't be perfect. Thank you for sharing this with me. I just hope you are right, and I get that "I'm a Sailor" call. It means more to me than he might ever know.
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