How do I tell my family..?Help please :/

[Ashley527]

It`s been about 4 months that my boyfriend and i have been together (it feels so much longer--in a good way of course!), and he left for boot camp In the Great Lakes about 2 wks ago.
We had been talking about marriage before he left and his mom and sisters already know and are for it. His mom wants us to wait till we are finacially situated of course, and that is understandable. Unfortunately none of us were aware of all the complications that rely on exactly when you are married. Since i have joined on here, i have gotten the impression that sooner is better--so there is time for it to process and so i can be on his orders and such. And of course he would have to ask and figure out when he would have permission to marry as well (thats what he told me in his letter anyway). However i am not sure how knowledgable he is about all the details i have found out about on here regarding this. And i am sure his family has no idea or isnt really thinking about it. We wanted to wait until he finished a-school, but with these new conditions to factor in, i think its best for us to decide accordingly. I havent gotten to have this discussion with him yet b/c he is at BC and the communication is rough right now. If we do decide to get married while he is in a-school, how do I explain that to my family?? We havent been together very long but we love each other so much and are sure. I dont think my mom would understand. :( I am currently only 17, turning 18 in January--so legally i could get married during his a-school. She would want us to wait a while before we get up and get married already, she would want college first and wouldnt warm up to the idea of a "quick" wedding at all. How do i make her understand? I havent really talked to her about how we feel about each other or our plans really. His family would better understand i think b/c they know how sure we are. But mine has no idea that we were even thinking about marriage. Help, advice please??

[Angie]

You might want to wait to talk to him about this before you go talking to others and trying to get anyone to understand anything.  He hasn't even asked you yet.  One step at a time

[MissMyHero]

Being that you're only 17, I think you should wait a little while. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, and I miss him everyday that we're seperated, but we've decided to wait until he's out of the military before we get married. I'm not saying you should wait 4 more years, but at least a little while. The two of you haven't been together very long so you still have a lot to learn about each other. With your boyfriend being in bootcamp, he's only learning the lifestyle. Once everything settles and he starts working, his attitude will probably change, and not necessarily for the better. That's a very tough thing. That will be a huge adjustment for you as well. You have to think about yourself in a situation like this as well. What are your aspirations? College, careers, friends. If you marry him, you'll have to move wherever he moves and leave your family and friends behind. I'm not sure what your boyfriend's rate is, but if he's assigned to a ship, there's a possibility he'll be deployed. Unfortunately, even married couples can't be together during deployments. So the two of you will be able to spend every day together up until that point, but then what? Only emails and the occassional phone call for months on end. That will be a huge change in your life. Then you'd be in a somewhat unfamiliar area without your close friends or family. You'd have to become very independent very quickly. You are young. Just take time to learn the military lifestyle and see if it's right for the two of you before getting married. Don't get upset, just take time to think about it all. It's a big decision to make at 17 years old. I hope you can understand what I'm saying. Good luck, Ashley.

[Ashley527]

He has asked, but i wanted to wait for anything official. We have been discussing it up to the time he left. It`s all the new details that we have not yet discussed. :/ but i understand what your saying, Angie.

MissMyHero, we had planned to wait but it all seems so pressured to rush suddenly. Not to say that we wanted to wait because we were unsure neccessarily, but more for financial and situational circumstance. I know there is a lot to get used to and much will change, and i am trying to take that into consideration.

In regards to my own aspirations and goals, i want to go to college and study neuropsychology. Im not saying that if we were to get married that i would move with him right away, that is something that i would decide based on what i wanted to do with school and where he would be going and all that jazz. Depending on the circumstance would most likely affect when i would choose to move to where ever he is, whether it be after my schooling or such. But I would like it to be an option and for it to be recognized that he would be married in that case. We were planning on after a-school but i dont want things to get even more complicated because we wait for that, regarding his orders, if he has leave, and details with that. I understand that i am at a considerably young age, and there are still plenty of things to decide regarding my future. It just is hard for me to get real insight when people talk down to me about it. When i try to get info, get insight or advice, or even mention anything like this, all i get is versions of "youre to young to be thinking about that." and a lot of negativity towards it.. :(

thanx for the help, ladies(:

[meagan5220]

I got married to my sailor after I had only been dating him 8 months but we had been really good friends for over 7 years and always been close. I understand that you hate when ppl say you are too young and whatnot I understand where they are coming from BUT not bc your age makes you immature or anything like that simply bc the Navy life is hard if I hadnt lived on my own since I was 17 before this it would be a hell of a lot harder. I would chalk it up more to experience. I have supported myself in every way since I was 17 years old. That included working two jobs and going to school 18 hours every semester to get done and pay my rent, bills, gas, groceries etc. I also took care of paying all bills for all but about a year of that in which it was in my roommates name. I took care of paying for my school as well. by getting scholarships and filling out all the correct paperwork and FASFA. So I am not saying that its only bc of your age I think in my mind it is more those real life experiences outside of high school and living at my parents helped me able to better manage my lifestyle now. I also know that I honestly have more money then (being a broke college student) than I do right now. Its hard and stressful paying all the bills on a military salary you have to be able to budget or you end up in a bad situation. I have some young wife friends that have it all under control and others that do not at all. I know there are some older wives that dont have it under control but I know more of the younger ones that have a hard time managing the finances.

 

Also, I am a HUGE supporter of getting your school done! If I had met my hubby earlier in my college career life would be a lot different. I would not leave my school that was top in the country for my program to move to another school that offers a subpar program. Do not give up your education and your dreams in life. It will leave you with alot of negative emotions. :( Get your schooling done and get into the best program you can. I have a friend that gave up her spot at an amazing school and she regrets it.

 

Do not feel pressured to get married bc you feel you HAVE to. My hubby and I got married only a month and a half before our orginial scheduled date. and It was only bc he unexpectedly classed up faster and I couldnt get off work at the later date. Yea we wanted it done before the orders but I was done with school, would be done with my lease, and needing to move on with my life even if we hadnt gotten on his orders we would have saved money and worked it out. I would say dont rush something like marriage also when you get to PIR you guys will actually be able to talk face to face and that will be better than talking abt huge life decisions via the phone or letters.

[MissMyHero]

Don't take the advice as being negative, just take it as people trying to make sure you understand all of the factors involved. You shouldn't have to feel pressured about getting married. They can't force you to do it. You should want to be financially secured before getting married because that's the best way to start things off. Your contribution into the marriage helps the both of you. You shouldn't worry about getting married being convient for the navy. You should get married when you feel like you're ready to share a life with someone. Emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. As for the pay by the navy when you're married, that shouldn't be the reason why you get married now instead of waiting. Your boyfriend can wait, and the navy can wait. Don't rush into it if you're not entirely sure.

[Anti M]

I wouldn't tell anyone anything right away.  If you're looking for your mother's approval, sounds like you already know she won't give it.   Of course, if she wants you to be "financially suited", then a quick wedding would be better.  Tons of benefits and allowances for married sailors!  And no college debt to start the marriage with.  (Will she be paying for your school? Is that even a consideration?)

Talk to him first, see how he feels about now or about waiting.   Yes, if he is on a deployed ship, you'd have about the same amount of communication as if you were married.  

[Ashley527]

There are reasons regarding my personal life, as there had been with yours, that increase my maturity i feel. I do believe as well the maturity definately is affected by experiences and situations.


Yes the plan is college, married or not. It is understood that neither of us want to make the one sacrifice their career for the other. We accept each others goals and support them. IF we were to get married before his orders and i was on them, it would not mean that i would change my mind about school. I would figure out exactly where i would go and carefully make those decisions as i would have in the first place. I would be looking into financial aid, scholarships, grants, etc. I have considered that is he is to go overseas that i cannot go, but that is something i will have to accept and deal with married or not. But if he is stationed in the US and i make the decision to move with him for whatever reason--my school could be close to where he is stationed, etc., i do feel it would be easier to already be on his orders and have that option. But being married would not hold me back from my career(:


I am planning on talking about it in person at PIR when i see him. I dont want to take his focus away from his training, by him worrying about this. He needs to be focused on what he is doing up there. Ultimately our decisions will come from when he and i discuss everything.

[MissMyHero]

I think your mind is already made. Don't ask for advice if you're not going to listen to and consider both sides.

[Ashley527]

If i came across as not listening to all sides, it was not my intent i apologize. I am taking what you all say to heart and am considering everything being said. All your ladies` help is very much appreciated and i thank you all for it.

It is more that I am questioning the decision on getting married sooner than planned and how to go about explaining things to our families (if that was what we decided), not so much deciding whether or not to get married(:

[MissMyHero]

I'm not saying don't get married! Just make sure you have plans set up before you rush into things. My boy and I have pretty much everything planned out. He's already taking classes for his education which can go towards almost anything. I'm in college, getting my certificate in business so I can go to cosmetology school and start making money as soon as possible. I want a nice wedding and to be able to help in paying for a house and all of our needs. I go to our recruiting center all the time and they try pressuring me into getting married now......for the money we'd get. Why the hell would I marry someone just so my sailor gets more money? It's only double what they make. That's not very much for 2 people to be living on as an E1 or E2. As for the families, I'd definitely get their approval for it because you don't want to loose that connection, especially if your sailor is deployed and you need people to be with.

[Ashley527]

Yes thats true. It`s one of my main concerns about getting family consent and approval! His family will give their consent much easier than mine will. His family is already prepared for it in a sense, other than these new details of course. Mine has no idea. Im torn between slowly and moderately easing the idea onto my family now, so its not so much of a shock if we decide to marry during a-school. Or if i should not tell her until it is something we already decide, so she doesnt have unneccessary worry if we decide to wait longer. His family may not agree with sooner, but they would accept it. But i definately dont want it to escalate into an issue of losing connections with my own family :/

[tori&tyler]

I was in this same situation with my boyfriend. We are both 18. TRUST ME, just calm down and wait. If you were always meant to be together then there shouldn't be an issue with waiting. My boyfriend and I got engaged but we decided we were going to wait and it is a better, and smarter choice. Just take things one step at a time.