I am afraid...

[Dede04]

I am newly engaged to my sailor. I was so happy. I do love him, but negative Nancy sneaks up on me and asks me every so often if I can do this.

Can I deal with deployments, his absence for family events or children?

No Saturday night dates or phone calls that arent filled with worry about his A school homework?

Can I handle the fact that I am used to getting lots of attention and now have to schedule conversations and maybe going on a date one weekend a month?

Can I deal with doing it alone, feeling lonely, but being married?

He is a good man. He is kind, gentle, good listener, and tries his very best to make me happy. He doesnt judge me or make me feel anything but important. I just acknowledge that this will be hard and that hurts him. He says he can't change the way things are and that he is trying his best. I know that, but the fear of taking such a risk, moving with him and failing is all too real. I dont want to be like those divorced couples who once saw rainbows and butterflies and are now disappointed. Ending because of this is a real possibility for everyone, but as I think realistically it also takes me to some negative place that I have to dig myself out of. 

How do you know? Is everyone just hoping for the best? I often feel like I am the only one who fears failure as everyone else is all smiles and swears everything will work out. Am I the odd one? Or is everyone else faking it?

I guess I am asking for some thoughts and experiences. I know you can't tell me what to do, but it would help to know that I am not crazy...

[abuon18]

I don't want to write a novel but yes, like everyone else said, your fears & worries are completely normal. It's the girls who go into this thinking it's going to be sunshine & rainbows all the time I worry about!

My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2.5. Not very long but long enough that we've gone through before he enlisted, boot camp, A & C schools, moving across the country twice and his first deployment together. It's challenging. Every day is a new challenge. Before we started dating I'd finished college and started my career. I've had to put that on hold twice now because of his career in the Navy. It's also frustrating. Sometimes I get angry. Often I get lonely. But at the end of the day I know I love this man more than anything and he feels the same. Who knows where we will be 2, 5, 10 years from now? No one does. But even if he was a civilian, would we know then? No. While this lifestyle definitely presents unique challenges, it's not impossible to have a happy, healthy, lasting relationship. You just have to find your way of dealing with it, which you will, over time. And the most important thing I've learned, even before my husband joined the Navy and put our relationship to the test is, you can't live your life wondering "what if?". There is ALWAYS going to be that crossroads. There is ALWAYS going to be a "safe" choice but it doesn't make it the right choice. Every moment is a "what if" and these moments define out lives. Each choice you make, however inconsequential it may seem, leads you down your path. Don't let the "what ifs" stop you from doing what you want & feel in your heart. That is NO way to live.

[Dede04]

I cant express my gratitude. The safe road always feels so comforting so you consider it the right choice...So true

[EmilyNicole98]

You are definitely not the odd one out! I remember having some of these same worries before we got married. I never had an A-school marriage, so I can't speak to that time specifically. A school was the worst phase for us, though. Fighting all the time and whatnot whereas we had almost never fought before the Navy. But, it got better. Deployment was actually way easier, easier than bootcamp even in a lot of ways.

When he's gone, it does gets incredibly lonely. Those of us without kids have to find other things to throw ourselves into - school, work, volunteering, the FRG, sports, other hobbies, clubs. As long as you have enough to do and a few friends, you'll be okay. Time passes quicker than you'd think. You learn to live with the lifestyle. A lot of families do make-up holidays after the ships return. So Christmas in July and that sort of thing.

But when they're home....when they're home it's absolutely wonderful. You get your Saturday date nights and vacations and talking every day. My husband's been in dry dock for a while -which means the ship can't go out to sea- and it's honestly felt like he has a regular, civilian job. He has duty once a week but otherwise he's home by dinner every day. He gets weekends and most holidays free. We go out every weekend, we just went on vacation back in March, we hang out with friends, we explore the nearby cities. It's only lonely at night when he's on duty and that only lasts for a few hours. Soon he'll start going out to sea for weeks/months at a time - but the time inbetween will still be much the same. It feels relatively normal. It is of course different when there are kids involved...but still, it isn't horrible most of the time. It's manageable. 

ANY marriage is a risk - the stakes are just a bit different when the military is thrown into the mix. Try to ask yourself this: if he was not in the military, how would you feel about marrying him and moving? Are you afraid of the military, or the marriage, or both? It's perfectly normal to be worried about these sorts of things, but make absolutely sure that you're ready for this kind of commitment before you say "I Do." Once married, try your hardest to move away from a mindset that allows divorce. The couples who bring up divorce when things get rough are much more likely to actually get one. Good luck!!