I seriously need help. This discussion is taking a toll in our relationship :(

[NavyGF]

I have been struggling with this internally and to be honest, it's so frustrating that I need to get it off my chest. If anyone would reply or give me some advice, I would be grateful.

A bit of a background about my boyfriend (E3 currently at Camp Pendleton) and I.. We've been for 2 years now and for that whole of 24 months we have just been physically together by exactly 3 weeks. How is that possible? Well, we were university classmates (weren't close at that time). Then when we became official, he moved to US. Last year February, I visited him in LA for 2 weeks and that's pretty much that. Everything else is thru online means. Btw, I'm 23 he's 21. I've finished my degree already and and have a full time work.

I don't know if I even have the right thinking but now that he's been enlisted, I feel like the opportunity of finally being together opens up (aka marriage). To be honest, long distance is very difficult especially for us as we don't even have the foundation of being physically together to begin with. Fixing a fight is hard as it always requires talking and explaining.. unlike being together wherein when you have fights you can just sit there in comfortable silence and let actions such as hugging or kissing do the work, or at least sweeten the work. 

Why am I in such a hurry to be with him? I need to be with him after being apart for soooo long. Okay. I live in the UK with my mom whom I am not close with. I have been estranged from her since childhood due to certain reasons (wouldn't want to dwell into that). Oh, and I just moved to UK last June 2016 so that means I have literally no friends. AT ALL. Most of my colleagues have families so we don't really bond outside. My mom and I are just tenants so yeah, actions are pretty much limited in the house. Sure, many advised me to go out and have fun, meet new people. But that's usually easier said than doneespecially for introverts (Oh that's me!). What makes it harder is I came from a different culture (asian) so I'm still adjusting to western culture. 

Going back to the problem at hand, he wants to get married after 2 more years. And I don't think I can wait that long. It's not that I don't love him enough. It's just that I am unsure of the things I might do to deal with the loneliness I'm feeling. I just feel frustrated because there is a way for us to be together, but we're not taking the opportunity. I've been telling this to him, I'm being open with what I feel and what I think must be done to handle this but we have different view regarding this matter. To be frank, I am not happy with our situation anymore (which as I said, could be because I think there's a way to be together but not grabbing it). 

I understand his reasons.. we need to be financially stable first. He needs a car, we need a house (apartment to rent) and I need to find job in US too. So basically what's holding him off is money. Okay, I don't have a lot but I can shell out 10k pounds on my savings. Money sure is important in making this decision to get married but I think it's something that we can work out together. To be really honest, I really don't think I can do this long distance relationship anymore. But I love him so much I don't think I can leave him. But yeah, I am not happy anymore. Not sure if all this make sense. I've been told to just respect his decision, but again, the possibility of losing the intimacy and waning off of love and eventually losing myself is probable (which I think is happening already.). Oh and he said to me last night.. "Of course I want us to be together.. but you saying all this and that you think you can't do LDR anymore is discouraging." which I know is true. But I need him to know what I'm truly feeling, right? 

So you see, the things he's been preparing to get ready could go into waste because I might not be there anymore. Who knows what would happen in two years time? Two more years of long distance relationship.. I can endure but I don't think I will be happy, and consequently, he won't be too.

If you are with my decision, how do you think I could convince him? If otherwise, please feel free to knock sense into me. :) Thank you! 

[Anti M]

The money excuse is weak.  If he is married, he would be given BAH (housing allowance) for the area, which is enough for rent and utilities, and maybe a little extra.  He can get a decent car loan through Navy Fed or USAA credit unions.  

If he is not ready to marry, he simply is not.  You won't convince him otherwise.  Are you engaged?  Would be he up for that much of a commitment?  Asking you to wait two years without an end result in sight is selfish of him.  Wanting what he cannot promise may be selfish of you.

Would a face to face visit help?  Can you go see him?

You may need to get on with your life, take a break, see how you both feel apart.  

[NavyGF]

That's what I thought! And it's not like I'd be jobless in a year! :( 

We are not engaged yet. He is serious about marrying me but I think no one really is helping him understand this whole marriage scenario in the navy so I guess he doesn't have any idea. He just finished A-school and Camp Pendleton is his first order so no marriage advice from anyone in the navy yet. I just don't know why it's so hard for him. I feel bad for mentioning it every day now. :'(  

I could visit him, yes. I even offered to stay in San Diego for 2 months but he doesn't want to because again, we have to be practical and save up he said. He will take a leave Feb next year and will go here in UK. That would help, I guess, but the separation after that.. I don't think I can handle that well.

I'm sorry to ask this, but do you think given the circumstances I just mentioned, is marriage a good decision? Do you think we are capable of it given our age? 

Thank you so much. Really.

[Anti M]

I don't think it is age so much as he simply does not sound ready.  He is in a whole new environment, his life is upside down, and perhaps he is afraid to take on another huge life change at the same time.

That he doesn't want you to visit seems a bit odd.  That alone makes me think marriage should wait until he feels more comfortable with his role in the Navy.  Also, he has to get special permission to travel outside the US when he takes leave, just be aware it is not the easiest thing to get approved.  

[NavyGF]

I wish this could be the reason why. But were all those things he mentioned that needs to get done that difficult? He said he'll process our marriage as soon as he finished all those and I asked if we can get married next year, he can't get me a definite answer, even a simple yes, which is frustrating. Oh, I don't know. But I do feel he hasn't got anyone else as we talk everyday, calls me as soon as he wakes up and all those what nots. No reason to doubt him at all. 

[Anti M]

I've been thinking about this overnight.  Because he is at Pendleton, I assume he is training with the Marines to get his FMF qualification.  That is an extremely tough program, and intended to put them into combat situations down the road.  This is a lot to process mentally and physically.  It also can be discouraging when thinking about the future.  Even if you marry, you could end up apart if he is deployed long term.  It is not like what a sailor on a ship experiences, it is far more intense.  He may simply be overwhelmed.  I would be!  

Support him through the training process, and then move on to more serious discussion about marriage when he is done.  Sounds like another few months?  You can set goals, and even deadlines, but be aware he won't be in total control of his time, so try to be flexible.  

[NavyGF]

Thank you for making me understand. It can be difficult as he isn't the talkative type and seldom shares any difficulties until it blows us up. I'm just grateful that there are caring people like you to give support and guidance to sailors' loved ones who doesn't really have any knowledge about this navy life thing. 

We came to a resolution.. "one bullshit a day", I encouraged him to say any thing that irked or irritates him every day. I thought it could be a simple channel to let some steam off of his chest. He always say he's fine even though he's not. Then finally last night, it's the first time he said things are difficult for him (he even cried). So yeah, I guess we have to work on him being more open so I could understand him because surely I won't get him if I don't know anything. And myself to stop adding more stress! :) 

I couldn't thank you enough Anti M, but really, you could be my idol now for staying strong through and through! I bet that took a lot of patience and understanding. Oh, I'd love to read your journey on being a navy wife! (Do you have a blog or something?) God bless you more and your family!

[Anti M]

Thank you, LOL, I was a sailor before I was a dependent spouse!  My father was in the Navy too, a three war vet.  He was a Master Chief when he retired.  I am not gung-ho or anything, just have a lot of sailors/military in the family.  My nephew is currently serving. I've been out for a long time now, but like to try and keep up with all the changes.

I have a few blog posts here, but they are more informational than anything else. A few stories about A school in Great Lakes.

[NavyGF]

Oh, I see. :) Thanks again! I think we will finally proceed with engagement and wedding next year! 

[NavyGF]

He mentioned just now that he can't focus on our marriage yet as he is still processing a lot of papers. His citizenship, then there's the advancement test, the FMF pin, the driver's license. Which to be fair are all valid reason. But the problem is, he didn't mention all of those things to me before until now. 

[Michael]

Anti M is right he's full of bullshit if you got married he would get BHA or could live on base with him rent and utilities would be taken care of so he's playing you I really think this. He's scared of the ball ans chain. My husband is a E3 we have a child I left my job making $65k a year for his shitty $28k a year and we make it just fine with 3 mouths to feed have a car with car payment and insurance it's tight but we make it. He is blowing smoke up your behind and I feel he's playing you. You need to ha e a heart to heart with him. He can support the both of you with no issues there are a ton of military personnel that have families on your husbands salary. It's time to either sh*t or get off the pot. Don't get hurt anymore. My prayers go out to you over this hard desicon.

[NavyGF]

Thank you, Michael. Bf and I are talking about it now. He just got  out of a-school and basically still doesnt know anything and he said he still have a lot to process such as his US citizenship, then there's his advancement test this September, FMF pin (dunno what's that), also his driver's license. I'm not sure but I feel like all of those could be done easily and be finished within this year! Would you know of any department I could direct him to where he can have info or atleast get help on how to go about the navy life? I feel like he's having a difficult time adjusting as he's marine based now. Again, thank you. I guess if he's serious with us proposing wouldn't even be that hard. Sigh.

[Barney]

I know that it can be frustrating to wait when you feel like you are ready but you do not want to get into a marriage by pressuring him. If he isn't ready, then he is not ready and I would not pressure him into it. If that means that you need to take a break for each other for awhile and focus on yourselves then I suggest that is what you do. I know long distance can be hard but you also have to remember that because he is in the military he will be gone a lot of the time, so its good to get use to the long distance. My fiancé and I were long distance for 4 years and it gave me time to focus on my career while he focused on his. You have to find ways to make yourself happy and feeling fulfilled without him around. If anything from what you have said it sounds like you need a change, why not just move to the States and find yourself a job here? Even if you are not living together (or even in the same state) you will at least not be across an ocean. Then you can have a fresh start and maybe it will be easier to be long distance when you are in the same county.