Is this the life for me? More importantly, what if I know it isn't???

[ShawnaSA]

Hey all,

My boyfriend of over a year has been thinking about joining the navy. He went to go see a recruiter yesterday, and either the recruiter didn't tell the truth or my man didn't because he told me the recruiter said deployments are around 3 months and girlfriends can move with the sailors... We all know this isn't true!

I'm expecting if he signed up that he would go to bootcamp for a couple months and I wouldn't really hear from him (between the scarce phone calls and the letters that would have to get distributed between both sets of parents, I'll be left in the dust). And then for PIR, he only gets 4 tickets, so again, I expect to not see him then. THEN he gets sent to a levels, and since we aren't married I wouldn't be able to go along unless I found a way to pay for everything myself... Where would I get that money... And then there's the whole deployment thing. Or he could be stationed overseas for all 4 years. Even if we got married, he'd be E3 and wouldn't have the rank to live off base or have me brought along...

I'm really worried that navy life isn't for me. I'm a pacifist and a hippie, I don't really believe in anything military... But more importantly, I can't be in a relationship with an absent man. How do you ladies do it?! I just know in my heart I would be miserable waiting for him. Or miserable giving up my friends, family, CAREER, stable home, pets, etc. to travel with him.

I can't get out of military life at the ripe old age of 27 with no career, no home, no community to show for it... I'm the type of girl who wants the 2.5 babies, puppy, kitty, picket fence home filled footsteps of loved ones. And he's throwing at me that he wants something completely different.

Or he's saying "We can do that when I'm 30." 30!!! I want to have babies before then.

I can't help but feel upset that he's pursuing this, because I feel like he's asking too much of me. I know he isn't being selfish, because he would be signing his life over to his country, but couldn't he be understanding of my feelings? I love him more than anyone, more than anything, but just knowing myself... This life isn't for me.

He put a ring on my finger to promise we would be together. Now he's saying he wants something a little different.

Did anyone else feel the same way when they first started out? Did you change your mind?

What should I do...

[Virginia (Ship 2 - Div. 928)]

Hi Shawna!  Welcome to the board...

 

When I married my husband, he was planning to be a school teacher.  He wanted to teach speech and debate and do that sort of thing.  So...  my vision of our married life was pretty similar to what you described: a small house, kiddos, and such.  About a year into our marriage, husband started seriously talking about service; he's always been interested in military service.  We spent another year researching the different branches and opportunities that were available for him before he enlisted last July. 

 

The reason I'm saying all of this is because I started my marriage with one vision of our future together and that vision has changed into something new and exciting.  To be quite frank, when my husband told me he wanted to enlist, I said: "Alright.  Let's do this adventure together.  No subs, helicopters, or airplanes please, honey!"

 

I'm really a newbie at this military life.  And so far, it has been tough.  I miss my husband at basic training every minute of every day.  I notice his absence everywhere... his weight is gone from the bed, I find his t-shirts in the laundry, he's not around to snuggle up to when I watch a movie, I'm alone driving to church.  However, I'm proud of how much I have grown as he's been gone.  I'm getting stronger.  I'm learning that I can be just as strong at home as he is at basic training.

 

I approach it like this: he's sacrificing a lot for our future together.  I have an immense amount of respect for him for what he's doing and how hard he is working.  And I'm willing to make some sacrifices myself too for that future. 

 

Maybe change your attitude about having no home, no career, and no family to show for it.  Your life won't just be put on hold as he is working his way through the Navy.  I've already started talking with women whose husbands are at the a-school my hubby will be at: they all sound happy.  Some have kids.  Some are in school.  Some are SAHMs or SAHWs.

However, be honest with yourself and with your boyfriend.  After all, what's dating but to discern whether or not you're a match?  If you two aren't, then let each other go so that you two can find someone else.  If you know in your heart of hearts that a military lifestyle for 4 to 6 years isn't something that you want, then tell him and let him go.  It's not fair to either of you if ya'll are constantly trying to make the other into someone or something else.

 

Hope that helps you some...

 

[ShawnaSA]

I guess my situation is different from yours because we're only promised. Not engaged, not married... So you had already made a commitment to him and he to you and you had a foundation that holds up against change...

I'm worrying that he'll change while in the service and we'll fall out of love. Or I'll hold out for 4 years and he'll decide I'm not who he wants. I know it happens.

And we could have a happy future without the Navy, he's got plenty of options. I guess I'm almost angry that he's looking into one of the only careers that would separate us...

As for babies, how could I go through a pregnancy, a birth, raising kids without my other half and partner? I wouldn't do that to my offspring. I want to bring them into the world in a loving environment with two parents. Not one and a half...

I've brought up the fact that I don't think I can do it. I've brought up that I think it'll be the end of us. But I'll be so heartbroken and miserable either way.

He wants to do this for the adventure of it all, not so much for the service... Why can't he find a different way. It almost makes me angry.

[just a girl with a broken heart]

It does not ALWAYS change people. but my husband has changed alot. and I dont want to tell you this to scare you but it can change them drastically. I dont even know who my husband is anymore and I am trying to find him again. He lost himself big time. I didnt think the military life was for me either. I am still doubting it only because it has changed him so much. I am sorry you have to be torn by this. I really do understand. I have been here for 2 weeks and it has not been anywhere close to life I imagined. It is not for the weak at heart you def have to be strong to live this life.... It is NOT for everyone.

I am sorry you have to go through this, I really am! I wish you and ur SO the best of luck!

[ShawnaSA]

I told my boyfriend about your story and he was a bit worried, just like I am! I guess it all comes down to a big leap of faith. When he signs his papers he doesn't know if he'll like it, if he'll change, just like I don't know if I'll be able to handle it or if I'll still love the man that comes back to me at the end of the 4 years in the same way...

[just a girl with a broken heart]

my husband just graduated BC hes an E3 and we have base housing and he lives here with me. It can be done. yes the time apart sucks. you bring up very valid points about having a family and losing out on a career. but there are many jobs like teaching or nursing that are always in need of good people anywhere you go. and you can have a family in the military it is not always easy but it can be done. my husband says ill either be there for the birth or the conception, preferably the later of the 2.... lol and yes there will be time you miss out on birthdays or holidays or anniversarys together, but there are still special things you can do for eachother even being apart. my husband was gone at christmas and he had arranged for flowers and a gift basket to be delivered to me the day before... we were apart at valentines day but he still  made sure I got flowers and candy... It can be done, you just find your own special way of doing it.

and no not all deployments are only 3 months some can last 6-9 or 9-12 or whatever. you just have to aske yourself are you strong enough to love a sailor. I didnt think it was going to be for me either. and it has not been easy at 27 to be thrown into this life, but you adjust and you adapt. the seperations suck but the reuinions are worth it. you can still have pets, we just moved from SC to IL with our dogs for hubbys school. Being married and part of a military family brings alot of scarfice. you have to be willing to have your own life, and not put yours on hold while he is deployed. and you have to understand he will have his own life seperate from yours when he is gone but when you are together you have YOUR life together. It is not easy, I am a new navy wife as I said, and I have already been through my share of trouble and trials but I know I am strong enough to carry on because this is my husbands dream and I didnt want to hold him back. just remember you have to keep the communication lines open, wide open and you have to really truly TRUST eachother.

[ShawnaSA]

Your reply gave me a lot of hope, but (not to sound pathetic or anything) I don't know how I could live a separate life away from him. My man has been home for the past 5 days and THAT has been a trial... I don't know how we could do 2 months... I find myself just sitting around trying to kill time and to live a life like that for 4 years? I know it's possible, but I just don't think I'm strong enough. Let alone having to deal with the craziness of A levels, with the drinking and the strip clubs and whatnot that I've read about... We aren't married so we're still working on the trust and all of that.

[just a girl with a broken heart]

yeah trust is a big thing. A HUGE thing. and it is hard to be away, there are days when I didnt know what to do but cry because I missed him so much. In the 5 years me and my husband have been together we were only apart a day or 2 at a time, the thought oh having to define myself with out him was scarry but I did it.

my heart aches for you because I know how you are feeling. yes my husband and I were already married when he went in but I still was not sure if this was the life for me....I know I am strong I know I can make it when hes deployed but I too have an issue with the seperate life thing. I know I did it once while he was in boot camp and the start of A school, but having 2 seperate lives has also torn us a part a bit. again I dont want to scare you, but it happens. I wish I had had someone to tell me all the scarry things before they happened so id be prepared but I didnt and now I am living them 1st hand! keep your head up everything that is supose to happen will and as cliche as it is everything happens for a reason.

[ShawnaSA]

I'm hoping everything happens for a reason, and the reason ends up being happiness!!

[just a girl with a broken heart]

there ya go! stay positive! even with all the crap I have been delt in the last 2 - 3 weeks I am still saying everything happens for a reason, I just need to find that reason right now!

[ShawnaSA]

More reasons to indulge in some after-Easter chocolate lol.

[J]

Shawna, it sounds like you've already made your decision. You know that you would be miserable with the lifestyle. Maybe it's time to go your separate ways. {I'm not saying that to be mean, just my opinion based on what you said.} Best wishes!

[ShawnaSA]

I think you might be right... Now to see what he says when I tell him.