Is this the life for me? More importantly, what if I know it isn't???

[ShawnaSA]

Hey all,

My boyfriend of over a year has been thinking about joining the navy. He went to go see a recruiter yesterday, and either the recruiter didn't tell the truth or my man didn't because he told me the recruiter said deployments are around 3 months and girlfriends can move with the sailors... We all know this isn't true!

I'm expecting if he signed up that he would go to bootcamp for a couple months and I wouldn't really hear from him (between the scarce phone calls and the letters that would have to get distributed between both sets of parents, I'll be left in the dust). And then for PIR, he only gets 4 tickets, so again, I expect to not see him then. THEN he gets sent to a levels, and since we aren't married I wouldn't be able to go along unless I found a way to pay for everything myself... Where would I get that money... And then there's the whole deployment thing. Or he could be stationed overseas for all 4 years. Even if we got married, he'd be E3 and wouldn't have the rank to live off base or have me brought along...

I'm really worried that navy life isn't for me. I'm a pacifist and a hippie, I don't really believe in anything military... But more importantly, I can't be in a relationship with an absent man. How do you ladies do it?! I just know in my heart I would be miserable waiting for him. Or miserable giving up my friends, family, CAREER, stable home, pets, etc. to travel with him.

I can't get out of military life at the ripe old age of 27 with no career, no home, no community to show for it... I'm the type of girl who wants the 2.5 babies, puppy, kitty, picket fence home filled footsteps of loved ones. And he's throwing at me that he wants something completely different.

Or he's saying "We can do that when I'm 30." 30!!! I want to have babies before then.

I can't help but feel upset that he's pursuing this, because I feel like he's asking too much of me. I know he isn't being selfish, because he would be signing his life over to his country, but couldn't he be understanding of my feelings? I love him more than anyone, more than anything, but just knowing myself... This life isn't for me.

He put a ring on my finger to promise we would be together. Now he's saying he wants something a little different.

Did anyone else feel the same way when they first started out? Did you change your mind?

What should I do...

[Virginia (Ship 2 - Div. 928)]

Keep it positive.  If you two aren't a match, imagine how horrible life together would be if you pretended that you were?  Remind him that he deserves to find a woman who could be his rock and support while he's away just like you deserve to find a man who works a 9 to 5 and is home in time for dinner.

 

Of course you guys will be sad that a relationship is ending, but stay focused on the positives in it: it's a chance for new beginnings and adventures for the two of you.

 

[ShawnaSA]

We were talking via text because he's at work right now and I basically told him I don't think I can be a navy wife or a navy girlfriend. I said ultimately he's his own person and he has his own goals and plans and I'm me and I have mine and if our lives don't overlap in the necessary ways we just need to accept that...

 

He hasn't made the decision yet. How awful am I to hope that he loves me just a little more than the Navy.

[ShawnaSA]

Or I have to hope that I'm a lot stronger than I think I am.

[ShawnaSA]

I spoke with him this afternoon... I told him how uncertain I felt about being a navy wife or girlfriend. He said even if I don't want to be with him, he knows I'd be in love with him... And he said even if I was back home with a different boyfriend he'd still send me letters every day. How could I not be in love with and support a guy who says that!!!

[Zahi Merz]

Hi Shawna, to be honest with you I was the same way at the begining of all this.. My finacee is 30 and decided to join the Navy. Just like your boyfriend he had always wanted to go. I had the same questions and concrens. And just like you I was just the girfriend. No I wasnt all YAY!!!!! I have never been all yay military either. From mine expericnce and mine ONLY, I have changed my mind about a lot of things. I'm not all YAY go Military I still have my own identity, but to see him sooo happy about his new carrer has made all this worth it.. But thats just me... Now it does seem that you have already decided that this life isn't for you and you know what, thats great! You know what you want and what you don't.  SO my advice is to sorry to say it but go your separate ways. This is life isn't for everyone and you know you deserve to be happy  so good luck and hope everything works out for the both of you!!!

[ShawnaSA]

Thanks! We'll see what happens!

[bret's girl]

Do you love him? Do you see yourself with him forever? Because those are the things that matter. Time apart is just that. Time. 4 years out of 100. For all you know, you'll get married right after bootcamp. Happens alot. You may think you're not strong enough, but you are. If you love him, the forever-cant-live-without-him kind.

[ShawnaSA]

I do. I love him in the forever-and-a-day-put-a-real-ring-on-my-finger-already way. I love him in the please-can-we-have-babies-so-I-can-have-more-of-yous way. But I love myself, too. And I love my hopes and dreams, and I love my emotions intact! But I do love him the forever-can't-live-without-him kind. And I know even if he decides to sign up I'll still love him. That's why this is freaking me out so much. I feel torn between loving myself and loving him, between doing what is right for me and what is right for me with him...

[bret's girl]

Boot camp is really hard. But the bond you have with the man you love when you haven't seen him for two months but you've written him 63 letters is incredibly strong. You would get letters; I got way more than his parents did. And I went with his parents to graduation. Loving a man in the military is a commitment, and if he's already given you a promise ring, you have to trust that he's just as committed to you. And you wont. Necessarily have to live apart or give up your dreams! You may have to compromise and modify them a little. That's love! Being a Navy girlfriend/fiance/wife is hard, no doubt. But its something to be proud of.and breaking up isn't going to make you stop loving him. You could just give it a shot!

[ShawnaSA]

He's got two sets of parents, so I wouldn't have a ticket to go to graduation unless someone sacrificed theirs for me to go. :( But you're right. Breaking up won't make me stop loving him so if he decides that this is what he wants to do I might as well buckle up for the ride and see if I can handle it.

[bret's girl]

I think he can request an additional seat; there were some empty ones for Brets. Or he could ask around, some peoples' families live too far away or can't afford to go, maybe you could get on the list by being someone elses guest. I never saw myself as being with a military man, didn't know anything about the military, and I hate to be alone. But we dont get to pick who we love. And tho we're apart, we talk and text every day and I get to fall in love with him all over again when I do see him. My son is three and tho he misses Bret very much, he knows Bret loves him and misses him because we tell him every day. I like what the lady said about military kids being more loved because the time together is more special. We just have to be more creative and I love him some extra lol. It is scary, and it's hard, but somehow, ive learned to manage. Thank God for this site and the women on it. You'll never be all alone.

[ShawnaSA]

Yes, I'm already getting a sense of how supportive everyone is and if he does decide to join and we do decide to give it a go together, I'm happy to know there will be a group of women going through the exact same stuff.