Is this the life for me? More importantly, what if I know it isn't???

[ShawnaSA]

Hey all,

My boyfriend of over a year has been thinking about joining the navy. He went to go see a recruiter yesterday, and either the recruiter didn't tell the truth or my man didn't because he told me the recruiter said deployments are around 3 months and girlfriends can move with the sailors... We all know this isn't true!

I'm expecting if he signed up that he would go to bootcamp for a couple months and I wouldn't really hear from him (between the scarce phone calls and the letters that would have to get distributed between both sets of parents, I'll be left in the dust). And then for PIR, he only gets 4 tickets, so again, I expect to not see him then. THEN he gets sent to a levels, and since we aren't married I wouldn't be able to go along unless I found a way to pay for everything myself... Where would I get that money... And then there's the whole deployment thing. Or he could be stationed overseas for all 4 years. Even if we got married, he'd be E3 and wouldn't have the rank to live off base or have me brought along...

I'm really worried that navy life isn't for me. I'm a pacifist and a hippie, I don't really believe in anything military... But more importantly, I can't be in a relationship with an absent man. How do you ladies do it?! I just know in my heart I would be miserable waiting for him. Or miserable giving up my friends, family, CAREER, stable home, pets, etc. to travel with him.

I can't get out of military life at the ripe old age of 27 with no career, no home, no community to show for it... I'm the type of girl who wants the 2.5 babies, puppy, kitty, picket fence home filled footsteps of loved ones. And he's throwing at me that he wants something completely different.

Or he's saying "We can do that when I'm 30." 30!!! I want to have babies before then.

I can't help but feel upset that he's pursuing this, because I feel like he's asking too much of me. I know he isn't being selfish, because he would be signing his life over to his country, but couldn't he be understanding of my feelings? I love him more than anyone, more than anything, but just knowing myself... This life isn't for me.

He put a ring on my finger to promise we would be together. Now he's saying he wants something a little different.

Did anyone else feel the same way when they first started out? Did you change your mind?

What should I do...

[Jess_0411]

Depends on where they are, if its a cruiser/destoyer, sub, or a carrier. It also depends on his rate, his watch schedule, and just how busy he his. Sometimes you get five e-mails a day, sometimes you go five days before you hear something. It all really just depends. I'm sorry I can't give you a more definite answer. But have patience, don't get angry from him when you don't hear from him, and e-mail him every chance you get. It keeps his head up and makes it easier.

[ShawnaSA]

Can you only email? What about Skype? Sending pictures back and forth? Phone calls? If we got iPhones, could we facetime or whatever? I know I can send him packages, is there a limit? Just emails alone would be hard...

[Jess_0411]

I don't know about skype. I know that my husband's old ship and new ship didn't allow it for OPSEC reasons. If you have i-phones, you're going to need an international plan, but be careful of that phone bill. Also, it might not be allowed once again because of OPSEC reasons.

You can send him however many packages you want (: But as far as skype and facetime, it depends on the ship. If its a sub, no way. They are so top secret, the guys aren't even allowed to bring their phones to work, so you can forget about it. My best friend's husband is on a sub and he's deployed, and she's pregnant, so its really tough.

You will find out a more definite answer when he gets to his command. Just hope for the best, but prepare for the worse.

[Jess_0411]

Oh, and I would e-mail my husband photos of me all the time. Plus,they can still get on facebook. Just be careful of what you e-mail, because you never know who is going to see it.

[Jess_0411]

Underway is when they go out for a short amount of time. It can be anywhere from a few hours to two months. But don't worry, they know before they go, so you're aware of the schedule.

[bailey 03/155]

Hey Shawna :) everything these ladies have been saying is so true! But I thought id give you my perspective since I am only a girlfriend too and my situation was a lot like yours. Me and my boyfriend had been together a little less than a year but wed been through so much I was already madly in love with him. He was trying to figure out where he would go to college when his parents brought up the subject of the navy reserves. One day he just sprung it on me and I was very hurt because I felt like he wasnt thinking of me at all and didnt consider my feelings just like you are. I cried for days I was so upset. I told him I didnt know how it could possibly work being away from each other for so long. The idea wasnt finalized yet so we stayed together. He talked to a recruiter a few months later and found out that hed be leaving for boot camp in 3 or 4 months. This upset me all over again but this time we talked a lot about it and decided we did not want to lose each other. The 4 months we had together before he left made us so much happier because we knew we couldnt take that time for granted and little fights were not worth it. This also gave me time to learn more about the situation and I got much more comfortable with the idea. Now were only 2 days away from the end of boot camp and we are stronger than ever. Our relationship has matured so much through this experience. Although the goodbye was hard and there have been some long days where nothing things dont go as expected Im so glad he ended up doing this (as much as i sometimes hate to admit it )! So my advice to you is take your time with your decision. This can be an amazing thing for your relationship if you let it. And you never know you might end up being glad it happen just like me.

[Jess_0411]

Good-bye is hard, but hello is so sweet, that it makes all that time apart worth it for that first kiss (: I remember when my husband came back from deployment, and I think that was the best kiss we ever had (:

[Andi6109]

I can't really say anything different than what anyone else has said. I was with my guy for less than a year when he decided to enlist. it was right for him becasue he felt like his life was going no where and he needed something different. i supported him. I am about to finish graduate school. we want to be together but he wants me to have my own life as well. he graduated boot camp this past decemeber and we are about 5months into A school separated by 9hours driving time. It has been difficult. we talk and text and skype whenever we can. we make it work.

 

I honestly didnt think I could do this life either and I still am not sure, but we are taking it one day at a time. Boot camp was hard becasue we had lived together for a time and then he was gone and i was alone. my family is 5hours away from where I go to school. the nice thing is his family is only 45min away and have taken me in as if i am already family. i talk to them frequently.

 

but the biggest part is during the separation, if you decide that this is what you want to do, you need to take that time away from each other and find out what you want to do. I am a business major about to have my Master's from college (my sailor and i are both 24) and I know it is going to be hard to find jobs as we move around if/when we ever get married, but at least I have something that will allow me to stand on my own 2 feet without him. having kids and raising a family and working while he is on deployment will be hard for sure, but we are just taking everything one day at a time. we are using this time while he is in training to see if we really can handle the separation. we could go ahead and get married and get base housing since he is an E-3 and a lot of is friends at A school are married with base housing, but we would rather wait to get married. if we cant handle these short visits now then why get married now and then end in divorce later? not saying it will happen but we are just taking things slow.

 

so if you decide you want to be with him don't rush anything. take it one day at a time and use that time wisely to find something for yourself. develp a skill of some kind that you can take with you anywhere you go. you meet all kinds of people when you move from base to base...other wives and there are all kind of support systems on base so if he is on deployment you wont be alone if you allow yourself to get involved. that is my best advice. find out something for yourself and see how it fits into his lifestyle becasue unfortunatly those of us that have made the decision to stay with our sailors have to work our lives around theirs. and it sucks at times. it is hard and lonely, but you make the most of it if you really want to make it work. i hope this helps somehow. just do a lot of thinking. and talk to him about it and come to a mutual agreement about things. communication communication COMMUNICATION is the only way for relationships to survive in my opinion. we are 100% honest about what we are doing in our lives. he tells me when he goes to the bars and i tell him when i go and we call each other when we get home at night. so it can work. just really do some soul searching becasue if he enlists he might have a DEP of like 9months or so (that was what my sailors was) so we had plenty of time to disucss what we both wanted out of this.

[bret's girl]

So the more I read, the more I realized this is too much information haha! Your best bet would be to talk to him and find out what sort of job he's interested in. Have him take the ASVAB and see what he qualifies for. There are so many different jobs and different levels in the Navy that no one else's story will really explain it unless you find out what he'd be doing. Fo example, Bret is a Riverine, which isn't super common so he doesn't do things like other Navy guys. He doesn't live on a ship or even ever go on one. And you mentioned he'd be E3, did the recruiter say that? And there's just soooooo much ino and so many different ways this could go! It makes my brain hurt a little to think of all the possibilities! =)

[ShawnaSA]

I just spoke with my boyfriend for about an hour on the phone... He really made me feel a lot better about what's happening and I feel a LOT more positive about our future. He said that he did talk to a recruiter yesterday, and he heard back today saying his background check went fine. Now he has to go through the physical and written exams and will try to see if he can apply to become an officer... In the meantime, he will give himself 6 months of honest soul and job searching to see if there is any other occupation that will make him happy. He does not want a desk job, but he also wants to find a way to be successful, and he says at the end of the 6 months if he hasn't found anything to suit, he will join the navy.

And, he promised that if the time came that he would want to sign up, he would include me in the decision because we do want to stay together and have our happily ever after. :) I promised I would try for him if he would do his best for me, and that's all I can ask at the end of the day... I'll just keep my fingers crossed that no matter what falls into my lap that we will continue to love each other.

[ShawnaSA]

I think if we joined, we'd chose the job together :) I hear submarine jobs are some of the most isolated and top secret and we wouldn't be able to talk as much, so that would be out... We'll have to find something that works for us both if it comes down to it. And yes, his recruiter said he would be E3 if he joined, but he wants to see if he can get into the officer program. I hear it's very hard to get in right now, and it's very impacted, but he might as well try!

 

What is a Riverine? Where is he located if he's in the navy and not on a ship? Lol.

[bret's girl]

Hes stationed in VA. He'll be deployed to patrol the rivers in small unit river crafts. Big guns. Lol. He likes it so far, but hasn't been deployed yet either.