Is this the life for me? More importantly, what if I know it isn't???

[ShawnaSA]

Hey all,

My boyfriend of over a year has been thinking about joining the navy. He went to go see a recruiter yesterday, and either the recruiter didn't tell the truth or my man didn't because he told me the recruiter said deployments are around 3 months and girlfriends can move with the sailors... We all know this isn't true!

I'm expecting if he signed up that he would go to bootcamp for a couple months and I wouldn't really hear from him (between the scarce phone calls and the letters that would have to get distributed between both sets of parents, I'll be left in the dust). And then for PIR, he only gets 4 tickets, so again, I expect to not see him then. THEN he gets sent to a levels, and since we aren't married I wouldn't be able to go along unless I found a way to pay for everything myself... Where would I get that money... And then there's the whole deployment thing. Or he could be stationed overseas for all 4 years. Even if we got married, he'd be E3 and wouldn't have the rank to live off base or have me brought along...

I'm really worried that navy life isn't for me. I'm a pacifist and a hippie, I don't really believe in anything military... But more importantly, I can't be in a relationship with an absent man. How do you ladies do it?! I just know in my heart I would be miserable waiting for him. Or miserable giving up my friends, family, CAREER, stable home, pets, etc. to travel with him.

I can't get out of military life at the ripe old age of 27 with no career, no home, no community to show for it... I'm the type of girl who wants the 2.5 babies, puppy, kitty, picket fence home filled footsteps of loved ones. And he's throwing at me that he wants something completely different.

Or he's saying "We can do that when I'm 30." 30!!! I want to have babies before then.

I can't help but feel upset that he's pursuing this, because I feel like he's asking too much of me. I know he isn't being selfish, because he would be signing his life over to his country, but couldn't he be understanding of my feelings? I love him more than anyone, more than anything, but just knowing myself... This life isn't for me.

He put a ring on my finger to promise we would be together. Now he's saying he wants something a little different.

Did anyone else feel the same way when they first started out? Did you change your mind?

What should I do...

[Richelle(Nuke Wife)Ship2 Div929]

If he is looking into the officer program that is something that you should encourage as much as you possibly can. You will be set. Get your information from research on STA 21 dont just rely on the recruiters to answer all your questions because most of the time they lie just to get you to sign. Going Nuke also helps you get into the STA 21 program. Not that other jobs wont but it gets your foot in the door. Nuke schooling is 18 months and he would apply for STA 21 during that time. When and if he was approved he would apply at any university he wanted to (that has a ROTC program) and would be there for 3-4 years. GETTING PAID TO GO TO SCHOOL THE ENTIRE TIME!

 

But this is a huge step in anyones life and if he is take this decision from what it sounds like he will be making it with or without your approval... He needs support and encouragement now more than ever. 

 

Basic is hard im not going to lie but it is so worth it to know that you will be financially set for as long as this is his career..

 

My husband and I have a 3 year old and im 30 weeks pregnant. If I can manage through so can you :).

 

You cant stay stuck on the flaws. Research. Talk to LOTS of other people because you will find tons that hate the military and a lot more that actually love what its giving to their families.

[ShawnaSA]

Does Nuke school = Officer school? I don't understand the term! Also, he already has his degree, so what does that mean? Shorter schooling and more deployment?

[Anti M]

There are two nuclear power training programs, one for officers, one for enlisted personnel. His degree will not have an affect on the length of the school, only that he is better prepared. A degree only means he will be an officer if he signed up to be one and goes through the officer program.

[ShawnaSA]

Ok, thanks!

[Melissa]

I mean i think it's good that your thinking about all of this, But military life isn't always that way. My husband and i are both young 21, and he's been in about a year and a half. Bootcamp wasn't that hard, and school either. For 7 months we saw eachother once & spoke daily, except for bootcamp. The letters were amazing btw. Then he came home on leave and we got married. He already had orders across the country, so i had to pay my move which ended up costing me about $1000 including gas, hotels, moving stuff, etc. I came with the bare minimums.  With my job i was able to transfer, and i started doing school online because i was too lazy to transfer. We slept on the floor for months and were only able to afford one piece of furniture piece at a time. All this time later, it's been amazing. New place, a huge learning experience & most importantly surviving the hardest part. I'm almost done with school, and moving up in my job. Just because your a military wife doesn't mean you can't have your own career. We have our two dogs, waiting on the children. We live well, have a lot of money to do as we please.Since we are stationed in the east coast (we are californians), we are getting to take weekend trips to new york, day trips to DC, and floridas not too far. We can get cheap military flights to europe. My husband is not on a ship, not all guys are. He comes home to bed EVERYnight & since we've been in VA have not spent a single day apart except for my trips home which i make frequently. 

 

I didn't want this life, at all. I always said i wouldn't marry a man in the military, said i wouldn't leave California, especially not to move to the east coast. But a couple years into our relationship he felt stuck and decided "i'm joining the navy", i told him i would leave and i shed many tears over it. Told him it was against everything i ever grew up believing in.. But then i realized the thought that "he could be the one", was to unbearable, how would i be able to walk away from that ??? What if i did leave? My life would be something so different today, it would be the biggest mistake of my life. Being a military wife isn't for everyone. but don't just say "its not for me" unless you actually give it a shot, you'll realize how much stronger you are then you think. 

 

 

Oh yeah i forgot to mention that with all the uncertainty of him joining, bootcamp was our test, if we could make it through that we knew we would last. Also as far as going to his bootcamp grad, i was the only one who went to my husbands (boyfriend at the time) & so i had 3 extra spots and on this site i had all my friends with the same PIR date & i gave people my extra seats. it's not impossible, also i knew some people that just showed up with the family & they didn't really check.. Plus i mean even if you couldn't got to the grad itself you can still go and see him on liberty the entire weekend.

[ShawnaSA]

What job does your man have?

If I could have Andrew come home to me every night, I wouldn't care if we had to move all over the world and sleep on a sofabed for the 4 years...

My mom is starting to realize he's serious about joining up and she's starting to worry about me and what her daughter's life will be like... She's trying to convince me to just let him go and see if we will still fall back in love 4 years later when he is back. But, why would I let someone I love almost more than myself, who I could see myself happy with for the rest of my life, walk out so easily? Just like you had that realization, I'm starting to have my own "he could be the one, I need to see what happens before panicking" ideas.

[Stacy(Div 149/Ship 3)]

okay so I haven't quite read all of the expenses, but I just thought I would add some input for you :)

I feel like you are quoting MY sailor. "I'm not getting married until I'm 30!" and I thought, 30?!?! are you crazy! I don't want to be in a wheelchair when my kids are graduating high school! And he wanted to make a career out of the Navy and be in it for 20 years or more and retire in the navy and live all over the world and never come home. And I seriously spent a night crying when he said "one day we may just have to be friends" That started about 2-3 months before bootcamp, and continued up until the night he left for bootcamp.

Then he left...still felt the same. 

But then, he stepped foot onto RTC soil and his words when he got the "I'm here" phone call was "you better not leave me, I'll die without you"

A week later he got a security phone call (don't expect these they are rare!) and he was bawling the whole time. he hated bootcamp so much, and said he will be doing his minimum years required, and he wants to get engaged and married and have me live with him and then he wants children as soon as he's out of his active duty.

Of course I was smiling from ear to ear, and I said "what happened to the I'm not getting married until I'm 30?" And he said, I was crazy I can't wait that long, I want to marry you now. Then went into a huge love story and I loved it :) He is the least romantic guy I know and now he's the most romantic guy I know! It's great! And then I said, "well what about retiring in the Navy and we may just be friends" and he said no way, I can't believe I ever said that to you, you deserve to slap me I was so stupid for saying that, I can't live without you, and I'm so mad at myself for putting you through this and I know it's going to be hard on us, but I just want you to be there with me through this, and if you will I promise when my active duty is up, I'm done. 

 

My best advice, don't make any big decisions until bootcamp is over. Bootcamp will make or break you.
The way I see it, would you stay at home your whole life because you're scared your car will crash and kill you? no that's silly. Would you say to your man "well I think you might cheat on me in a few months, so I'm just going to end it now" No, you can't predict the future, and you can't predict how you will handle the military life. Hang in there and try to make it through bootcamp. Then talk together and decide from there. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder 

[ShawnaSA]

Haha! You lucky girl, I hope my guy gets a dose of that when he's away...

[Nicolynn]

I know it "sounds" hard hearing about it for the first time, but it can be done, you're stronger than you think. Things have a funny way of working out - and although yes it's hard to be away from them... if you love them, then the time apart only makes your time together 10000 times better. After one year in, 6 months of it spent together the navy has been wonderful for our relationship, we're now engaged, living together off base - with our dog, without BAH, I'm going to school to be a teacher - and he's going to be going to school while still in the navy. If you love him, you'll make it work. If not, then you'll have to let him go... you just have to be up for the challenge!

[ShawnaSA]

Happy everything is falling into place for you :) Are dogs allowed on-base, too?

[Anti M]

Each housing area will have varying rules about the different number and types of pets allowed.  You will need to know which housing area you are eligible for so you can look up their rules.  Some allow dogs, but not certain breeds.  You would still get your married BAH if you chose to rent off base, pets can be a real deal breaker for housing.  It was for us in Japan.

[Brittany proud Navy Wife :)]

Everyone Here has been really nice to you, which honestly surprises me.

First Off I understand your concerns but In my Honest Opinion your being selfish. If you really love someone you would never ever say its me or the job. You would want the other person to have the career that makes them happy. I would never ever tell my husband he couldnt join the navy when I knew that was what he wanted to do, just because I was nervous that I couldnt handle it. I love him and thats all that matters, and no matter what is thrown our way we will make it work because we love each other.

Second, If you are "promised" then why are you worried about not getting letters or not being on the list for PIR? If the relationship is serious you will be on the list and you will receive the majority of the letters. If not then I think there are other issues in the relationship.

and lastly you are just a girlfriend who doesnt even think youll be getting letters while hes in bootcamp (which tells me your relationship isnt very secure) and yet you feel like you have the right to be included in a decision that will affect his entire life? That makes no sense to me! If he doesnt join the Navy and you leave him a year from now, he will have nothing to show except being held back from the career he wanted.

 

Also where does this 4 years apart come from??? You can move to him or with him. He will have leave etc. You are not spending 4 years apart.

 

Also the Navy provides tons of oppertunities and stability for families. Our children are not any less loved than civilian children