It's Official

[beachmom76]

Effective today, my husband is officially retired from the Navy.  He has served over 31 years and we have been married for 29 of them.  During that time, he has risen from Seaman Recruit (E-1) to Commander (O-5); we have moved 18 times and been through more deployments than I can count. 

For those of you who are just embarking on a life with a Sailor, let me tell you that it has been the most rewarding, challenging, and exciting  experience of my life.  Words can't describe the joy you will feel at Homecomings (always with a capital 'H'), promotions and award ceremonies.  I have also had moments of incredible loneliness, anger and frustration; each of those served to make me stronger and taught me to appreciate our time together that much more.

People often ask me what it takes to make a military marriage succeed.  My answer is always the same: independence and a sense of humor.  I had no idea how strong I could be until I was tested.  At first, it didn't appear promising: during hubby's first deployment, I stayed in our empty apartment and cried for two weeks.  Eventually, I pulled myself together, found a job, found friends, even found furniture!  When hubby returned and saw what I had accomplished, he knew I would be able to handle life as a military spouse. That freed him up to pursue his career without the constant worry about what was happening at home.This was a choice that I made, to support his career.  It is not an easy choice, so don't take it lightly.  I found my satisfaction in other venues, ultimately developing a career that became completely portable. 

There will be situations that will cause you to cry, scream, or laugh. I recommend making laughter your default response to the ridiculous.  Having the wrong shipment sent to Japan so that the movers delivered our lawn mower, appliances and my pottery wheel to our tenth-floor Japanese apartment was one of those times.  Finding out that my planned trip to Bali to meet the ship had to be scrapped because the pier in Bali had been washed out by a typhoon...a year earlier...was another of those moments.  Having my children ask why I was setting a 4th plate at the dinner table because they  KNEW they Daddy wouldn't be home in time for dinner...was yet another.  Make no mistake, this life will test you.  But if you are able to adapt to the changes and deal with the uncertaintly, the reward will be great.  You can, as I am today, looking back at an incredible journey that fills me with pride, in my Sailor and myself. 

I wish you all fair winds and following seas.

Mary

[Cora 8_5]

thanks mary, cora is not my real name, it is just a name i use for internet purposes. too many weirdos out there, (and i am a godly person who is saying that). i appreciate your info. best to you and your family. we aren't married yet, and too many detractors who want to keep us apart inclduing authorities here in NJ where we live. we are fighting in custody battle and they won't let it die. it is a great cause if you and your husband are looking for one. try a family court on various days of the week and you will see the bowels of the ship of this country. they make pregnant women cry, threaten you with armed guards if you become uncontrollably upset, and lord over the little children, using a branch of CPS (here called DYFS) to wield control over the values you instill in them. you can imagine with military lifestyle and exposure to other cultures how absurd it is to be told what your values should be, and by women usually who do not share your own background, nor care to learn about it. it is the demise of the family system here in this country. i happen to be an ivy league graduate, and attended a private girls school outside philly, and am of irish catholic and northern italian descent, but according to them, i am somehow beneath contempt for not fulfillling some undisclosed criteria. they flagrantly promote a homogeneous ideal, for us, expecting us to conform, expecting us to talk simple so CPS can understand, but then have unlimited funds to pay for lawyer fees, or suddenly be abe to communicate at JD level while you represent yourself. they want you to have limited emotional vocabulary as they themselves seem to, and expect you to remove God from our living as you are neither a speciality religion they want to adopt, nor a minority religion they decided to champion. meanwhile, they themselves know nothing about our lifestyle and in many cases, english is not their first language. i'm ok with difference, and not one to want to get into rooster fight at every check point but the idea you two are retiring is exciting, as maybe the cavalry is on the way in this hidden world of children "protection" and the despots who "protect" them and us. it is my personal nightmare to be uncovering this underworld while falling in love with my sailor, and being made to choose which one i will pursue. i'll bet as a NAVY mom you can appreciate that. i feel frightened and alone, as you described, and feel bad when or if i admit that. i wish others would join me in addressing the family court and penal system of this country, the set-up for failure agenda they push, and what winds up being the destruction of the moral fiber of this country is a war worthy of fighting i think. if this is too heavy, that is how i am, and i apologize, but i agree that humor can help to set us free. so on that note, we live in new jersey (southern) and if you ever come down this way, let us know.

[ProudNavyWifeFresca]

you mentioned japan and junior sailor, did you move with your husband during his first deployment or did you stay in the states, my husband is e1, junior sailor in yosoka japan, on the uss fiztjerald.

its been a crazy 6 months and i dont even know i survived except with little teaspoon of faith.

i want to go to japan so bad but something about him not being  E4 and we cant live together on base because of his rank.....

so what are my options, i live with the inlaws in CO...

[sailorwifenmom]

We just moved from Japan in July. I'm sorry, but it's not just a matter of the Navy not letting you live together on base, they will not authorize you to move there with him at all.

The Navy has a policy that no Sailors under the paygrade of E-4 are allowed to move their families to Japan with them.  If you have more than 3 dependents (and your spouse counts as a dependent), the Navy will not authorize you to bring your family with you unless you apply for (and get approved) a waiver, regardless of pay grade.  (Though you can marry a Japanese local or other American who is already living in Japan, such as another service member, a dependent child of legal age, a contractor, GS employee, expat, etc..., and you can have more children while you are there, they just won't pay to move you with more than 3 to begin with).

Now, in theory, yes, you could choose to relocate yourself at your own expense to Japan - BUT - I would NOT do that.  It is NOT the same as just moving to where his school is.  First of all, you will NOT get COLA, and Japan is VERY expensive - like, NOT counting housing allowance and all of that, but our family got almost 2 thousand a month in COLA, just to offset the cost of living there.  You also will NOT be authorized the overseas housing allowance (and Japan is so expensive, that, honestly, his base pay per month wouldn't even be the amount of your rent and utilities).  Plus, unless  you have a dependent authorization, they don't have to treat you at medical, if  you have kids, they can't be enrolled in school, etc.  And, if there is another disaster like there was in 2011, and they were authorizing the families to leave at government expense, they would not get you out of there - you would be "on your own" just like a tourist. 

Add to all that, Japan has very strict VISA requirements, and if you aren't there with SOFA status (which, again, requires you to be there authorized), they will only let you stay in the country for a few months.

I'm REALLY sorry, I know none of this is what you want to hear, but it's the reality of the Navy's policy on it.

Now, once he makes E-4, if he has over a year left there (or is willing to extend), he can request that you get moved there, you ARE authorized a BAH for you to rent your own place (so you don't  have to live with inlaws), and you ARE able (he just has to get some paperwork from his command) to use the Patriot Express to fly from the West Coast (you have to pay to get yourself to Seattle) to Japan to visit him for REALLY cheap (though it is space A, so you need to be flexible with your travel plans).  You can literally fly for less than 50 bucks to Japan on the PE. 

Hang in there, and keep in mind, you have already done 6 months - that's 6 months closer to being with him again!