Marriage before or after the first deployment?

[Dede04]

My name is Diane and my bf is currently in Boot camp. I feel a little stressed because I have been doing all of this research online and discovered how complicated/difficult being a Navy gf can really be (yikes!).

I miss him and wish we had time to really talk this out. He will start A school in March. I think they have spring break and 1-2 weeks leave after he completes the 6 months but I'm frustrated that we cant discuss the next step yet.

We have discussed marriage and we both want to, but when is the right time? Should we marry during his leave after A school or should I wait until his after his 1st deployment?

Many women have argued that if he gets hurt/dies(God Forbid) they would not receive anything because she is not his wife and therefore I should get married first. Others for this argument felt that they refused to move with him unless he did...citing BAH rules.

Other women have argued that the first deployment would tell me if I am equipped to be a navy wife and if the 1st deployment is too much for me, I can leave without divorce papers.

So what do you guys think? :/

[Dede04]

Good point. What arguments have you heard against your opinion?

[Zozy's girl]

I'm new to this...but it seems to me that relationships are hard enough as it is without the added pressure of Navy schedules and assignments.  I think if I was in your situation I'd try to figure out how I felt without all the Navy complications.  If he wasn't in boot camp and heading somewhere on orders....would you guys be ready to get married now?  If not, focus on yourself and your relationship and let it develop on it's own terms rather than letting the Navy's schedule dictate it.  That way you know you're getting married for the right reasons, not for the sake of convenience and what ifs.  Ofcourse, if you ask me again in another month...I may change my mind about that because I miss my guy more every day...but right now I'm standing by my answer  =)

[Dede04]

Hm..if I wasn't in this particular situation, I know I would still want to marry him. But not for another year. I halfway through my masters and would like to finish before getting married. He seems content either way, but I am concerned about being long distance. It's one thing if you can communicate. Its another if you cannot. How do you know if you're even equipped for this lifestyle?

[Zozy's girl]

I think just by going through it.  I didn't choose to fall for my sailor, in fact I was rather annoyed at people for suggesting I had.  Denial is fun while it lasts lol  Not everyone is suited for long distance relationships, and not every relationship can handle it.  Only a few rare birds like the space/freedom long distance relationships give you.  The best way I can think to describe it is like this...it's like being afraid of tunnels, you're on one side of the Lincoln Tunnel and he's on the other so you only have 2 choices, you can refuse to enter the tunnel and just walk away....or you can grit your teeth and make it through because what's on the other side is worth what you're going to go through and whatever it takes to get there.  If you don't want to walk away, then you'll learn over time how to equip yourself for this lifestyle. I doubt anyone ever starts out equipped for this.

As far as the communication, I think that depends where he is going to be, what he's going to be doing and what his communication style is.  I know I was pleasantly surprised because I expected long periods of time without word from him but he emails me every chance he gets now.  In two weeks since they left there have been 3 days I haven't heard from him.  But there have been other days where I'll get quick little emails throughout the day even if it's just one line.  I don't know how typical that is, and I just keep my fingers crossed it can continue through the rest of the deployment even though I know it may not.  One thing I think is really important is to talk about what level of communication you need so that he understands.  We had a rough spot because he said something about being in river city, and I though River City?  Where the hell is River City?  What coast is that off of?  And then after chatting with him via email every night went 3 days without word....you can imagine all the things my imagination came up with, none of which had anything to do with reality.  Yeah, I know what it means now...but it's just one example of silly miscommunications that can happen. 

I wish I could find this really great post I read a few weeks ago (I was so sure I bookmarked it  /growl).  It was on a military wife's blog and she'd asked her husband why guys don't email/call/write more often and based on his answer she asked him to write a guest post for her.  It really put things in perspective, if I can find it I'll shoot you a link.

[Dede04]

Please do! That would be awesome!! Thank you so much. It's really lonely because many dont really understand. My friends have bfs that are always around. They arent worried about deployments. So they say things like, "Its only 8 weeks. Its not that bad." And although they are trying to help, it isnt as helpful as hearing it from someone who is actually experiencing what I am going through.

[Zozy's girl]

That reminds me of this ecard I keep stumbling across...they mean well though, they just don't get it

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/cc/e7/b8/cce7b8cf8d67f898b9e...

[SP_]

Hi Diane! I'm new to this as well but my boyfriend graduates from bootcamp next Friday! My opinion is that bootcamp will teach you if you are ready just as much as a deployment. To me it's the same thing just not for as long. Bootcamp wasn't horrible but it was really hard. Your relationship will be tested especially on your end since you're on the outside of everything he's doing. It was frustrating for me too to not be able to discuss stuff with him and I had to decide what to put in letters and what to bring up in his phone calls. Not everything is important. Like the whole marriage thing I found it to be better to talk to him about our overall relationship not just specifically marriage. We both def want to but I didn't wanna put pressure on him or drive myself any crazier trying to figure out when and where a marriage would happen. He and I agreed to have deeper discussions about it all when he gets to A school. The benefits of being a wife are great and it shouldn't be the only reason you marry him but from reading your story I don't think that's your motive. At the end of the day the love y'all have will decide when the time is right. When you go through the wait of bootcamp you'll feel like waiting past a deployment might be impossible but you just have to be patient. My patience sucks lol but now that bootcamp is coming to an end I feel like he and I are stronger than before and I know we will get married when the time is right. I hope my words helped! Good luck!

[Dede04]

Your words were very helpful! I am so jealous that you are seeing your SR next week. I still have 3 more fridays after that. Boot Camp is so hard. He calls when he can and writes a letter every day. Getting them all once a week makes me crazy! I wonder...is it my patience (lack thereof lol) that makes it so hard to imagine myself being able to wait 6-9 months while he is at sea? I hear he can skype sometimes. During BC, I feel married to my phone. Ugh! I'm seriously anxious/frustrated/annoyed. Feels like I'm counting the days even when I think I am not. 

[Zozy's girl]

Don't forget that this is all new too.  We all want to see our guys all the time for a million different reasons and most girls are lucky and they can do that.   But it doesn't sound like you want to trade in your Navy guy any more than I do  ;)

[SP_]

For me the first week or two and the last week or two are the hardest. Right now I'm so close to him but it's still seems so far. The days are truly creeping by. I think sometimes for us spouses it's really mind over matter. I have over thought so many things then realized I'm just stressing myself out. I swore I was never gonna make it through bootcamp without him especially since it was around every holiday and he wasn't gonna be around. But I got through it. Just gotta stay positive. My patience has always been my downfall but through loving him I have learned so much and him being in this situation has forced me to be patient. There are times like now when I want things to hurry up but I don't have control over it I just have to look at the bigger picture which is helping through bootcamp in the ways that I can and that he graduates with me and his family there to see him. I too wanna finish school and establish my own life and job before us marrying but through us getting married I can get my school paid for. I don't want him worrying about how I am at home while he's away. I can't imagine my lifestyle or job without him. I'm not rushing anything because I can't be patient and I don't wanna wait forever out of fear or anything either I just know it'll happen when it's right. I want my dreams to flourish with or without the benefits from him but I know regardless he's gonna want to help. Just like I wanna help him. It's a team effort. You guys have to learn to decide things together whether he's near or far. That's hard with lack of communication but if you both have faith and be strong it will all work out. Long distance sucks but we both decided we wanted to be together no matter what so we have to make things work.

[SP_]

Okay well that is your opinion. I've only been through bootcamp and for me it has been hard. I don't see the difference. Either way he's gone and I'm on the outside juggling handling myself and my relationship with him. The amount of time and communication doesn't matter. If he's gone he's gone. If he can't contact me he can't. Either way I have to get through it. I don't believe anything is cake. Bootcamp is the first real test to see if either party can handle the whole thing. Not everybody's situation is the same. I was offering my experience so far to her.

[SP_]

Her question wasn't whether which is easier so it doesn't matter she was asking about being married and when. I just don't think it's fair for you or anyone else to say oh bootcamp is easier when I'm barely out of it. You're right I haven't experienced a deployment but as difficult as this has been for me I can take a deployment too. If I got through this I can get through anything that's my opinion. It's like making it through a hard semester in school and knowing after making it through that you can make it through it all. I'm not saying one is easier or harder because I don't know. I was simply telling her to use the bootcamp time as a blueprint to how things could be. She's in the middle of this and I'm coming out of it. You're way beyond bootcamp so of course you think one is easier than another.