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Marriage before or after the first deployment?
My name is Diane and my bf is currently in Boot camp. I feel a little stressed because I have been doing all of this research online and discovered how complicated/difficult being a Navy gf can really be (yikes!).
I miss him and wish we had time to really talk this out. He will start A school in March. I think they have spring break and 1-2 weeks leave after he completes the 6 months but I'm frustrated that we cant discuss the next step yet.
We have discussed marriage and we both want to, but when is the right time? Should we marry during his leave after A school or should I wait until his after his 1st deployment?
Many women have argued that if he gets hurt/dies(God Forbid) they would not receive anything because she is not his wife and therefore I should get married first. Others for this argument felt that they refused to move with him unless he did...citing BAH rules.
Other women have argued that the first deployment would tell me if I am equipped to be a navy wife and if the 1st deployment is too much for me, I can leave without divorce papers.
So what do you guys think? :/
Views: 1455
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by SP_ on
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Well thanks for your kind words and encouragement! I never said one is easier or harder. All I'm trying to do is have a little faith in myself and my relationship to make it. Nothing is ever easy but the least I can do is have a good attitude. She said my words were helpful and that's all that matters since I was replying to her discussion. Whether I eat my words or not atleast I know I helped others and didn't let negative opinions get to me. I'm gonna learn just like you did. Whether my experience is better or worse I'm not gonna discourage others and make them feel like they're gonna fail. The only opinion that's baseless is one that's not shared.
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Permalink Reply by meagan5220 on
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I agree, bootcamp was a breeze compared to deployment.
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Permalink Reply by Zozy's girl on
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Go easy ladies...we're all here to support each other.
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Permalink Reply by abuon18 on
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Like EmCHammer said getting married because you feel pressure from the Navy or other people is the absolute WRONG reason to. You don't marry someone because of the benefits you marry them because you love them. I am not doubting you love each other but if you love each other you can stick it out through a deployment if you're not 200% ready to be married. Getting married before you're ready, no matter how much you love someone or how romantic it seems will only lead to lots of unnecessary stress and resentment. During his deployment he can still add you to his FRG and ombudsman email lists so you can stay informed. You'll still be able to go meet him at port for homecoming. So you're not missing out on anything by not being married. The benefits don't matter if you're not going to be living on base and going to the commissary or other base facilities anyway and you're not on his insurance or anything now either. As far as life insurance etc he can name whoever he wants as his beneficiary (ies) should something happen to him but in all honesty it is an EXTREMELY slim chance that something would. You are clearly not ready to get married if you have all these concerns. There is NO rush. If you love each other a few extra months won't make a difference. He will get leave when he returns so you can actually plan a wedding instead of rushing to the courthouse, you will have time to plan your move. Neither of you will feel like you made the wrong decision or wonder if it was the right one. Unless there are kids involved who will need the benefits to support them while he's gone, that should NEVER EVER be the reason.
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Permalink Reply by Dede04 on
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I would never marry him for that. But I am concerned about getting information because not all bases are kind to women who are not married to sailors. I have my own career goals. I know that marrying for benefits is an awful reason to wed. I love him and just want to be informed. :(
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His parents do not wish to communicate with me. They would not update me if anything. They do not like their son's choice. So they're out... Adding to the fears of being left out of the loop
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Like I said I don't doubt you love each other and want to get married eventually. But getting married before he deploys so you are on his life insurance if something happens to him, is getting married for benefits.
He sends his list to the ombudsman of who he would like to have on the email list so all he has to do is include you. -
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I simply gave the arguments of other women and asked what you all felt about them. The money is useless without him. I don't want it.
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Besides some FRGs just SUCK. I can't even tell you the last time I got an update from them anyway, it's been at least 3 months. The info that we need we just get from our friends.... More like a gossip train. You will meet the other wives/gf's that have s/o's on the ship and I've gotten more info from them than the FRG. I live across the country from where my husband is stationed and I am still up to date & informed. Honesty during deployment there are no additional communication benefits that married Sailors get over unmarried Sailors
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Dede04, my husband's parents only get the information I give them or when he updates Facebook.... Parents are not as connected as you think. He still has control over who HE wants to be informed.
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Only if he chose for them to be involved. He's an adult he doesn't have to have anyone involved in the FRG or on the ombudsman email list if he doesn't want. They would be his emergency contact, but not necessarily for the type of information that we get, like ship updates, when communications will be down, what they have been doing, pictures, etc. those are all sent by the FRG & ombudsman and he has to tell the FRG & ombudsman who he wants to get those emails. So they can include parents, guardians, spouses, girlfriends.... Also he can choose to add no one. I know some wives who aren't even on the lists! Plus, since I don't live at my husband's duty station yet all the wives and girlfriends from his ship, I've met through Facebook (haven't even met in person!) and we keep each other updated more than the ship's official communications keep us updated!
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