My boyfriend's mother doesn't want me to go to his PIR.

[victoriahazel]

I love my boyfriend's mom and she loves me, that is until he left for basic training and has been rather stand-offish which I can understand and I can understand why she wouldn't prefer me to go but this was decided far before he left.

But what I'm having a problem with is this:

She refuses to tell me who he listed on his access list.

What his code is for the pass for the gate.

He told me before he left was putting down both his parents, I and someone else in his family for graduation. I have been through the process myself and told him and his family that only four people at best will be able to go. His mom didn't believe me because his dad is a retired chief and they believed the rules wouldn't apply to them, only civilians.

I kindly told her otherwise beforehand but she was shocked when it was true!

I'm doing my best to keep the peace and be civil as possible but this seems childish to me to withhold vital information like this. 

What do you guys think? How can I be more understanding? Any moms or significant others experience this? I would love to hear from both sides if you ever encountered this frustration before.

[victoriahazel]

He did put me on the list but his mom is trying to convince him to take me off. Worst comes to worst I will go and spend time with him after graduation. I'm taking a shuttle so that's great. Thanks guys. 

[Jenn_NicksWifey]

If you are not driving a car on base, you do not need the gate pass/secret code. a shuttle will drop you off at the gate and you'll show your ID to get into the hall. they will check it against the list and if you're on it, you go in. you don't need to know who else is on the list, so just write to your bf and make sure you are on it and dont worry about it. People get crazy about their children, even grown up children, so try to be kind to her and not stir the pot, but don't let her bully you.

[FireTeamLeaderWife aka FTLW]

Just an FYI...The Guest list that comes home on the Form Letter is an intended list by the Recruit. It is to inform the recipient of the Form Letter know who he would like to have come to PIR.  It is not the final list.

All recruits turn in a final Guest list for the Access List for PIR to Security about 7-10 days before PIR. This is the final guest list and may not be changed once it is turned in. They may use the ones listed originally on the Form Letter or may make changes, such as when an intended guest now cannot make it to PIR.

The Access List is the one to be on. You have time to write him about it.

-BTW, another FYI, the amount of guests are now dependent on the size of the TG. Three guests for TG's with 13 or more Divisions and four guests for 12 or less Divisions.

All guests must be on the access list for ages 3 and up including Active/Retired Military personnel.

[corischauer26]

that is not okay, you need to inform her that its his decision he wants you there, and you will be going.

if she doesnt like it then oh well, its not about her its about him... me and my mother in law are so close.. but now that ive moved up here to washington shes kinda distanced herself from me and been kinda stand offish and seems to be jealous and its very aggrivating...they will get over it eventually.

[Jess' Wife]

Ultimately what it boils down to is what your SR decides, not anyone else. Mom's can be "peculiar" when it comes to their boys. I pray that when our son is grown I don't do the things my mother-in-law has done but they ARE our boys right?!?!?!?! My husband left for bc at the beginning of may and is graduating end of June. We have been married 11 years TODAY and have a nine year old son and an eight year old daughter. With that said my mother-in-law STILL to this day does stuff like what you are dealing with. The difference is that like I said we have been married for years now we "grew up" together while we were married (we thought we were sooooooo grown up when we married :-)) and are both 31 now and my husband grew "tired" of that kind of garbage. I stuck it out and never gave up (that is key.... you have to learn to not get upset or your feelings hurt over this kind of stuff) I am always respectful to her (she will always be his mother) but what had to happen (in our marriage) was that he had to lay down the "ground rules" many years ago about how she was acting. To this day he still has to lay down "ground rules" like for example before he left telling her that his phone calls would be reserved for the kids and me but that I would keep them informed. It is not easy by any means, but I unconditionally love my husband and he unconditionally loves me, we are eachother's best friend and so this other stuff (which USED TO cause arguments and hurt feelings ) is now just a small little speck on the radar in our marriage. Then as of Tuesday I was told that they are not coming to graduation because they just cant make it (that was really the reason) Which I had to tell him while he is there working so hard and even though he says it doesn't I know it bothers him. But ultimately what makes our relationship STRONGER is that I do not EVER rant to him about anything she does. I let him get all his feelings about it off his chest, I listen I am supportive and when he is done I tell him how wonderful and amazing he is and that I love him. And 16 years of friendship and 11 years of marriage later our marriage gets stronger every day. Just be his rock and don't feed the jealousy monster he will appreciate that more than anything else.

[arianap]

I would write him and ask him: 1. Who he put on the list. and 2. what the access code is. If he put you on his list and wants you to go, that's his choice and no one else made it for him. Ignore his mom and follow what your boyfriend wants!