Navy girlfriend with no intention of becoming a Navy wife - has anyone done it?

[rmb]

Not saying that I never want to marry him, just that it probably can't happen while he's in the Navy.

My boyfriend is leaving for BC a week from tomorrow, and I have been an absolute emotional wreck about it, though I keep telling myself that it really won't be as awful as I'm imagining. Anyway, as it's been getting closer, I find myself stressing out even more about what happens *afterward*. See, it just seems like all the women on this site are either married already or intend to be soon, and can (for the most part) follow their sailors wherever they're ordered. I, however, am still in college and probably will be until about the time he's discharged, which means that I'm pretty much tied to North Carolina while he could be stationed anywhere. I'd be willing to try and transfer near him, but then what happens when he gets different orders? I guess I'm just trying to figure out how we're going to manage when we have no idea how often we might get to see each other...

[Illinibeam13]

My man and I have been together since February 2010. I was a freshmen in college in Illinois while he was a senior in highschool in Ohio. That spring and summer we didn't see each other much, just the month I was home from school in between spring semester and summer semester. He left for BC in October 2010 and I of course did not see him until Dec 2010 when he graduated. He went to A school in Pensacola in December and I was able to fly out to see him in March of 2011 while he was in A school. He came home for leave in April and I was able to see him 2 of the 10 days he was home in OHIO, because I was a sophomore in college at this point. He left for Deployment in May and I didn't see him again till December 2011 because of that. I was on winter break, so we saw each other almost everyday over the 10 days he was at home for break. He was able to come home 2 weeks ago and spend 2 days at home, which I came home for 1 of them from college. We have plans to see each other in 2 weeks in Kentucky because that is closer to him (in Virginia) than Illinois... and its not too far of a distance to me. (In illinois.) I also already have a plane ticket to Norfolk, Virginia to see him a weekend in April. He has a car, and I'm lucky enough to be able to afford gas and a plane ticket every once in a while, but we prob go an average of 3 months without seeing each other, except deployment which was 8 months. We have had our ups and downs, but he's my best friend, so we definitely have a will to make it work... but it is NO WHERE CLOSE TO BEING EASY! He is stationed in norfolk till 2015, and I graduate from college in May. We talked about me going to EVMS(in norfolk) for my graduate degree, but I ultimately decided that I wanted to go back home to OHIO, or go to University of Kentucky. I will probably be in grad school till 2015. He does not have plans to reenlist at this point, but if he does he will be sent someplace else besides norfolk I'm sure, and could possibly be overseas. I will stay in Kentucky to obtain my doctorate degree and it could take 2-6 years. I do not have any plans to chase him around the country and while I love him to death, if we're meant to be we will make it whether I am here and he is there, or whatever. I would love to wake up next to him each morning, but I know that both of us need to do "ourselves" before we can ever become a true "us". I have no plans in marrying him, (my own beliefs) and do never plan on becoming a wife. Military does have some rules about needing to be married to obtain benefits, or live together or things like that, though it is starting to turn around a little bit... anyways... my point. IF you plan on doing your own thing while he is in contract, dont' expect to see him often, unless you have the money to see him. Leave days don't accumulate quickly and they can't often just come home. Expect to have more of a "phone relationship" and not see each other much in person. there are MANY perks to not being able to see each other physically and really make the relationship work without it.. but it is not for the faint of heart. Make sure you know what you're getting into because it is not an easy thing to do, even for the WIVES who LIVE with their SPOUSES.

[rmb]

Thank you, that may not be exactly what I wanted to hear, but it does help getting someone else's experience. I know it won't be easy, but we've both decided we're willing to do everything we can to make it work.

You said he's stationed in Norfolk til 2015 - I never realized that they were told how long they'd be at a particular duty station. Did he find that out at the same time he got his orders there?

[Illinibeam13]

He is attached the the George Bush, so he will remain attached to that ship until the duration of his contract. I can't say for certain if this is in all cases, but I know for him he will be in Norfolk because that is where his ship is till his contract ends. 

In lighter of heart.. it is doable. Im sorry if I sounded more pessimistic, but it is good to know that it isn't an easy thing to go through, but it's worth it. He has changed so much, and really gotten on the right path, and if you can go through something like the NAVY together and stay faithful, it's a bonding experience like none other. I'm not at the point in my life where I even need to see him everyday, of course I wish more than I could, but I like having our lives separate right now. It makes the homecomings all the more worth it. I also enjoy really getting to know him on a personal level instead of a physical level. All we can ever do is talk, so I have learned so much about him that I probably wouldn't know if we got to see each other more. I didn't mean to scare you, but I also didn't want to make it sound like a breeze. If you're both committed to the relationship then it's much easier, because there are no worries about what the other is doing... and your confident that no matter what you go through you can make it through because of your love. The navy has presented so many thing in my life, and in our life together than I'm not sure I would have ever faced in a civilian relationship, so while I hate the NAVY for taking hi away from me, I THANK it SO much for what it has taught me, about myself, about him, about life, about relationships, it could go on and on... and while it has presented us with some very LARGE challenges, I would never take one thing back because of everything I have learned from it. Whether I'm with him forever or not, or ever date another military man or not, I will look back on what this time has taught the both of us knowing that we have BOTH become BETTER people because of it. 

[rmb]

I totally get what you're saying. It's hard to imagine being away from him for so long, I guess I'm just trying to figure out the right balance between my own plans and our relationship - I've always hated not having answers, and that's something I've been trying really hard to get over lately.

How do you like Old Dominion? Norfolk is the closest base to here, so that's where we're both hoping he'll end up (knock on wood), and I would definitely consider ODU if that happened.

[sailorwifenmom]

Hi,

As far as being a Navy wife goes, there are a lot of good things about it and a lot of bad things about it.  Whether you're married or not, a lot of whether or not your relationship is going to survive is going to depend on your mindset.  For example, as one of the ladies mentioned, once they're done with their A (and, if they have one, their C) school, then they're most likely going to spend at least 2 years (if not longer) at their next duty station.  When he gets his orders, it will say how long he's supposed to be there (24 months, 36 months, etc...).    There are also education opportunities for spouses, so that is a plus.  However, let's say you do decide to get married - that doesn't mean that  you're going to be together.  For example, the Navy will not allow Sailors that are E-3 and below to take their families with them if they get stationed overseas, and even if he does get stationed in the US, he could be on a ship that is deployed, etc. 

Now, from what I've seen in this group, I think I'm in a bit of a unique situation, because while I am a Navy wife, and have been for a long time, I'm also a Navy mom (both my son and my husband are Active Duty Sailors), and I'm a Navy vet.  I've seen a lot of relationships survive the hardships, and I've also seen a lot end - and that goes for the ones with boy or girlfriends "back home", and ones that are married and their spouse goes with them.  My husband and I got married very young (we were both 20), and we've been together over 20 yrs, and married for almost that long, so I know it can work, but I also know it can be hard.  Our Sailor son is almost the age we were when we got married. 

My advice is this - don't get married because of the benefits that go with that wedding ring, and don't avoid getting married because of the relocation factor.  Base your choice on whether or not you both love each other, and whether or not you are ready - in all senses of the word - to make a lifetime commitment to each other.  Being in a long distance relationship - whether you're married or not - is going to be hard.  The longer the time you're going to be separated, the harder it is.  I'm not saying it's impossible, but it can be hard. 

Also, if you plan to just date each other for the entire length of his enlistment, have you discussed whether or not your relationship is going to be exclusive or not?  I'm not saying that it's impossible to stay faithful - I know better than that from my own experience - but you're talking 4 to 6 years.  I've seen a LOT of young Sailors who have this plan, just to end up where they and their boy/girl friend back home are miserable, because that's a LOT of time spent alone, and often you find out that one or the other aren't spending that time as alone as the other one....  Not to mention the ones who decide, at the end of their enlistment, to reup and make a career out of it, and now the person who was waiting back home feels betrayed, because they don't want to be a military spouse, but yet, they've been waiting years for them to "come home"...

If you're talking about not wanting a legal commitment to each other until after he gets out of the Navy, then I would encourage you to remain friends, stay in touch, but allow each other to see other people.  This doesn't mean the death of the relationship, btw - a very good friend of mine is married to her Sailor.  They dated when they were younger, but he enlisted, and following him in his Navy career wasn't the right thing for her at that time.  They stayed friends, but they dated other people.  Later, when it was a better time, they dated again, and have now been married for several years.  But this way, if it's meant to be, it will be, but if it's not, then neither of you are spending years, waiting on the other one. 

Now, I want to stress that I'm saying this with the belief that you are planning on NOT getting married or anything for the next 4 - 6 years.  If you're talking about, say, you're engaged and planning a wedding in even the next year or so, then my advice is entirely different!  Also, I want to stress that it's NOT IMPOSSIBLE - it's just going to be VERY VERY hard to spend an entire enlistment dating long distance. 

I know this is probably not what you're hoping to hear, and I'm sorry about that, but I'm just speaking from my experience from what I've seen as a Navy wife, and as the mom of a young Sailor myself (with a daughter going off to college in the fall), I would hate to see either of you hurt. 

[Anti M]

Best post ever, Sailorwife.

[sailorwifenmom]

:-)  Thank you

[meagan5220]

I agree! I read it a few times to see if I could add anything to it. I think you hit the nail on the head. the only piece of advice I could add is whatever you decide think about it a lot. I attended a lecture in college and the guy randomly turned to us and said "If you have ever lost a dream you have lost a life" He told us if its something you want to do and you give up on it its like you are giving up a whole life that you could have. I adjusted my dream a little to follow my husband but it has ended up working out for the best bc it gave me a break from school after graduating to decide what path to follow :)

[sailorwifenmom]

Exactly!  We shouldn't give up our dreams, but sometimes, if our dreams are conflicting, we need to weigh which one we want more, ya know? 

[meagan5220]

I completely agree! After getting almost 6 years of school done in four and working two jobs my entire college career I needed someone to put the brakes on for me. I was burning myself out. now after a break I am ready to dive right into my masters and get a job that is actually what i want to do with my life to help people out :)

[heathee12]

this was really interesting to read on a couple of different levels.  My SR is at bootcamp and has been gone for three-weeks today and I miss him tons, but I have been getting lots done for myself right now and feel extremely focused.  I am not into getting married soon - like right away until both of our lives settle into what they will be like for a bit (with him away).  I wonder though sailorwifnmom what your advice is if you are interested and committed to keeping your relationship going.   My situation is I am 33 years old and turn 34 next week (as does my bf) I have completed school (BA and MA) and have a career going.  I am not against relocating if that means we can spend more time together (we lived together before he let) but we have been together 8 months - though we dated when we were teenagers and have alot of mutual friends.  I am trying now to stay focused on getting through BC and then A school because I can't worry about what hasn't happened yet.  Even just being away from him for this amount of time makes me see the importance our relationship much clearer - and I miss him so much.  How do you make this work for you?  thanks!!!

[sailorwifenmom]

Hi,

In the situation you described, in my opinion (for what that's worth - after all, we all have them...), it sounds like you both are pretty close to making that commitment to each other.  The average A school is 2 - 3 months long, some of them are as long as 6 months.  Sometimes they have a C school afterwards.  What I would encourage you to do is to use the time he's at boot camp and at his school to focus on your relationship, and on thinking about what it is you really want from the relationship.  When he's done with his school, he's going to know where his first duty station is, and you will have an idea as to what you're willing to live with, and what you're willing to live without, kwim?  If, at the end of that time, you're still willing to relocate, you're still in love, then I would say go for it.  You've already lived with him for 8 months, you know your feelings, and you're willing to be flexible, so if you can survive the months he's at boot camp and school, then that's a very good sign :-)  Though, I would encourage you that IF you do relocate to be with him, that  you do get married - because there's SO much more support available for Navy spouses than there is for Navy girlfriends - and I don't just mean financially.  Everything from being able to utilize your Command Ombudsman to taking classes like COMPASS (which basically teaches spouses about the Navy, and has very practical tips on how to survive being a Navy wife - emotionally, physically, and financially), to so much more. 

As far as how we make it work - honestly, it's a lot of trust, a lot of flexibility, a bit of wonderlust, a sense of adventure, some independence, and a good sense of humor.  Plus, honestly, I know this is something that he loves to do, it's important to him, I respect it, and, as much as it sucks when we're apart, I would rather an ocean between us part of the time because he's deployed, than an ocean between us all of the time because I pushed him to get out, or because we got divorced, kwim? Also, if you do join him, build a support network for yourself (aside from him), and take the time to learn about the Navy and what he does (COMPASS is great for that!).  It will make life a lot easier!

Also, I won't lie - if this is something you want to do, you can still have your career, but it won't be as easy.  It's gotten a lot better than it used to be, especially for those who have struggled with having to constantly get re-certified in their fields every time they change duty stations / States, but it's still not as easy as if you were in one spot all the time. 

I have to admit, it's not always been easy or fun, and sometimes I've really hated parts of it, but overall, I've really LOVED the life we've had.  We've gotten to do so much, and see so much, as a family, it's really been an amazing time :-) 

(I hope this makes sense, it's getting late and I had a really early morning, so I'm pretty tired, so if this is just some garbled ramble, I'm really sorry!)