Not What I Expected... Help?

[Bethy3]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about three and a half years. I didnt want him joining the navy but he assured me that everything was going to be okay and that it was the best thing for our future. We both lived in a small town and spent most of our time together, he was like apart of my family and my best friend.

In Bootcamp he wrote me the sweetest letters, a lot of them too. And his bootcamp graduation was amazing. Its like he didnt want to be away from my side for a second. He was so polite and handsome, and everything a girl could ask for. Everything was great when he went to Aschool in San Antonio too, he even talked about getting engaged.  Up until about a week before he came home. He began to get really distant, he would barely talk to me or his family, he told me that he was stressed and that he wasn't excited to come home because he didnt want to have to go through the process of having to leave everyone again.

He moved on after a couple of days and was nice when he came home and everything, but its like he doesnt want time with me. He hasn't planned one thing for us, and when I bring up why he is being so distant he says he doesnt know what I am talking about.

I think he has a wall put up so that he doesnt get as hurt when he leaves. But I am afraid that this is going to lead to more. I don't know what I would do without him. Has anyone else experienced anything like this with their Sailor?

[Anti M]

Pretty much everyone has gone through this at one time or another.  Best thing you can do is talk to him, and let him know you'll be okay, and he will too.  Try to get him to talk, and when he does, listen. 

Worst things you can do? Scream and accuse, or mope and cry.  I'm not saying be fake cheerful, but be as positive as you can.  It is a rough time for you both.

 

[Angie]

Your second statement says it all.. "I didn't want him joining the navy...." if you can't support his choice to do what he wants...maybe he has found someone who has.

 

Of course in bootcamp they all write nice letters and such it is the only connection to the outside world, and they can't do anything with anyone else.  While in "A" School...things are still too new to worry about other things.  Once they get out to the fleet they see everything...they are on their own for (maybe) the first time.  They can do as they please and no one is hounding them.

 

Have you asked him what is going on?  Asked him point blank if he is seeing someone else. 

[Anti M]

Yeah, I rarely mention the A school romances.  I feel bad enough for the ladies having communication problems, and sometimes that is all that is happening, no need to scare the pants off of them too. But yes, that can and does happen.  Most of the cheaters aren't man enough to tell their GF the truth, and if they are a spouse already... well, ouch. And it isn't always predatory female sailors, sometimes the guys "forget" to tell girls they ask out that they are involved or committed.  Just sucks, and has happened to me.

 

No one likes to hear that aspect of A school, or of the fleet, the one thing I do sugarcoat here (except this post).  It just is too hard to hear, whether it is true or not.  And please, everyone, don't go yelling your guy isn't like that,  Many, if not most, are faithful and true, so don't feel the need to defend your guy!  There's just enough to make it true for someone.  You know, even if you don't want to acknowledge it, on some level, you just know.  

[Angie]

You know me I am blunt....I have seen way to many "A" School and fleet romances....seen guys with their home town girlfriends one week and than they are out with another girl the following week. 

 

Yea...and they always blame the other female...like their guy is all that..well if he was, he wouldn't be snicking around with the other girls...

 

Reality is the girls need to talk to their guys

[Jo (Wife of an ET Radioman)]

I didn't want Matt joining the NAVY either, but I decided to suck it up and put aside my feelings on the government, military, whatever, so that I can be with him during this adventure in his life. His happiness and being with him are far more important to me than my own (probably jaded and bitter) opinions.

 

I guess it's all about what you do with your negative feelings towards the military and someone joining it; Matt and I have only gotten closer in the short time we've been in this new NAVY world.

[MySailorIsAwesome]

I'm sorry you're going through this, especially since you have so many years invested. I will say this...approach the situation calmly and logically when you speak to him. Stop thinking what will you do without him and start thinking about what he would have done without YOU. Calmly address the strange vibe without accusing him; you have a right to know his intentions and feelings where you are concerned.

I respect the sacrifices our Sailors make for our country. Sailors should also respect the sacrifices those left behind make- our emotions, time, worry, money spent, missed opportunities, etc - to support them. I'm already annoyed and tired that we seem to be the emotional catch-all for our Sailors, and this just during the training period. However, who catches us? And now we can't expect fidelity/ faithfulness either?!?!?! More equity, honesty and respect should be shown to the S/Os and wives/ husbands of servicepeople.

He's not your husband YET. But if he'd like to be, considering the life he's chosen, he'd better start communicating, good or bad. If he no longer wants to be with you, he needs to be upfront. Meanwhile, don't let him be your entire world and have a plan and life in place for yourself, with or without him. Make sure he knows you'll make it either way or he'll take you for granted...that's how men operate.

Also, reality also is that if a guy gets caught up or cheats, that speaks to his character, and he'll do it if he lives with you or a thousand miles away. .

[Bethy3]

After he told me it was what he wanted to do I supported him every step of the way. With letters, care packages, messages, and pictures I have gave him the support he needed to get through some of his hard times in the Navy so I don't think he has found someone there that supports him.

It is true though that there is a lot of unfaithfulness in the military because my boyfriend told me how much the things he saw shocked and disgusted him. I am lucky enough to have a faithful person who I don't believe would cheat. But if he does I would rather find out that he was that kind of person before we made any further commitment.

I appreciate everyones advice it was very helpful

[Angie]

Reality check...while in "A" School and in the fleet there are lots of people who will "support" him.  Someone there in his arms to support him is way better than someone back at home just sending care packages to support him.

 

Recommend you take off your rose colored glasses and talk to him face to face...e-mails and over the phone can be taken the way you want to take them. 

 

Also you said you two had talked about getting engaged, but you are not still...doesn't that make you think something might be going on...if you two have been together this long and you are such the rock for him ...hmmmm

 

 

[Jo (Wife of an ET Radioman)]

Well just 'cause they've talked about getting engaged doesn't mean it won't happen yet. I know some people who tossed the idea around for a solid year or so before actually taking that step. 

 

But agreed, rose-colored glasses make everything wonderful, until you take them off and see what's really there.

[brandonsgirl0918]

Maybe he just doesn't like marriage. My boyfriend and I are going on two and a half years and he doesn't like the idea of marriage; his belief is why do we need a stupid piece of paper binding us together when we are already in love and together? Just because he doesn't want to talk/think about marriage doesn't mean something is up or anything. Maybe he just isn't interested in marriage. He still loves you.

[KP (ship 09 Div 291)]

Bethy, number one I recommend you find some friends that will listen to your venting and give you advise without being so harsh. I know that that is definitely not what you need nor want to hear. Of course you'd like the truth just not in a snarky or condescending tone. Secondly, none of us know your boyfriend or the type of character he has. Only you do. No person on this site can give you insight into your relationship because they dont personally know you or your boyfriend. Personally, my husband is in A school in San Antonio as well and he does see lots of infidelity going on. But I have enough faith and trust in our relationship to not worry about him going to other women. On another personal note, I have a very close friend who's fiancé is stationed I'm San Diego right now and he did cheat on her after a drunken night out. They are working through their problems and doing just fine now. Even with adversity a relationship can overcome. :) please don't rely on strangers for insight into your relationship and it's rough patches! Feel free to message me, I'd love to get to know you especially if your boyfriend is still in Sam Antonio! We will be moving there for six more months of schooling! :)