Rough Week

[erinalanna]

Hey ladies! Have been kind of having a bed week and REALLY missing my sailor. I'm so busy with nursing school lately which works great with keeping me from thinking about my boyfriend on deployment until I have a really bad day and all I want is to have him around to talk to. One of those days where the pain of missing them becomes a lot greater. I keep having feelings of frustration... has anyone else experienced these kind of feelings before? Just when I felt like I was getting in the hang of adjusting to deployment those initial feelings of missing him comes back. No one can ever prepare you for this that is for sure. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a LA-LA land with an imaginary boyfriend lol. I know I need to keep myself busy but am just having a day where the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away. Him and I have always had to do a long distance relationship but the farthest we have ever been away from each other was 2 hours and we saw each other just about every weekend. When he gets back from deployment I only get 2 weeks with him before he is located to Hawaii. Which is a $1000 plane ticket from where I am. I love him so much and couldn't ever imagine myself with anyone else but find myself getting scared of doing long distance for the rest of our lives (actually only a few years but feels like an eternity seeing how deployment is going) which in turn makes me so frustrated. He always has said he knows he can do long distance its me he's worried about. He's heard that the girl takes long distance the hardest and I am now seeing what he was talking about. This, along with any free time I have being spent on my studies and working to stay afloat, I feel very alone sometimes. I have girlfriends and family close but despite their efforts, they can't ever understand where I'm coming from. Anyways, sorry for the novel I just really needed to vent and lay out my emotions haha any advice or input would be greatly appreciated! 

[abuon18]

I know exactly how you feel! I was in your shoes a couple of weeks ago. Honestly, yes. Keeping yourself busy and all is great but we WILL have our bad days and we are allowed to. We aren't the ones deployed but we have to adjust too-to not having them around all the time or in your case not getting to talk to them or visit them when you're used to. We have to adjust to worrying about them. Not having our est friend tere for us when we haw our bad days. Not having friends & family around who "get" it like you said... It all just adds up after awhile and it definitely feels lonely and it is stressful. When you go from having a partner to share your daily stresses with to all of a sudden not, that's hard! I had a total breakdown a couple of weeks ago. Everything definitely just got to be too much. Just remember- IT IS NORMAL and you are allowed to be upset, get angry, cry. I went out and bought a notebook and started using it as a journal because it helped me get through his bootcamp so I thought it might help with this too.... Just a suggestion that it might help you too! Staying busy and all that jazz is great but at the end of the day all that comes down to is avoidance. You're avoiding your feelings if you're not facing them and they're just going to keep building up until you explode. It doesn't help that it seems like your "keeping busy" is all work no play- you're not taking any time to do anything for yourself! Finding a new hobby or activity you enjoy will help A LOT because it will give you something to look forward to instead of just things you HAVE to do like work and school. And sometimes sitting bed, crying and eating a pint of ice cream works too!

[erinalanna]

You seemed to understand EXACTLY how I have been feeling and more. I had a total breakdown too last week and all I did all week long was cry and workout like crazy to try and release some steam haha. I am actually very fortunate to be able to talk to him quite often. Longest we've gone without communication is just a few days. But whenever he would talk to me I just didn't feel he was as excited to talk to me like I'm excited to talk to him. He would always read my messages and not reply because he was busy hanging with the crew which is FINE but just set aside one day or night for a little period to just talk to me and see how I'm doing. I've been so consumed on seeing how he's doing over there and making sure he has everything that I've neglected my needs. I actually called one of his friends who's in the Navy not on deployment and he said I have worn myself thin. He told me to put my phone away and not worry when he's going to talk to you and go hang with your friends. Go take a break from school for a little and do something for yourself. This was the best thing I could have done for myself. Which is where you came in saying that keeping yourself busy with school and work is basically going to make me more miserable haha. I did what his friend advised and my god it felt so good. I did end up sending him a message after a few days just stating that I love him but haven't felt like I was getting what I needed from him lately. Just to have someone ask how I'm doing, that I'm appreciated. Which I know sounds so needy (and seriously very unlike me to feel this way) but I was losing it. I told him I was just breaking down and needed him to just devote 1 day to me to ask how everything in my life is going. He replied some hours later, "I love coming home to these :( but i get it. Just tell me your problems and I'll console you. Love you." Things have gotten a lot better since he said that on Friday. I need to remember to take care of my needs too. I do have a notebook but haven't written in it since he left haha I will definitely be picking it back up soon. 

[abuon18]

I'm glad you were able to talk to his friend, and that you were able to finally tell your bf what you need. I know I'll never be able to understand what they go through on deployment BUT one thing is know about men, if you don't tell them what you need from them they're pretty much clueless :) and especially in a long distance situation where they can't pick up on all of our cute little subtle cues like one word answers and things. So I am happy things have been getting better for you- I know on our end it doesn't make sense why they wouldn't want to talk to us as much as possible but what I've learned from my husband is sometimes they have time to read our messages but not respond, either because the Internet is shoddy or just because of time! I don't know if that might be your boyfriends situation too?

Either way I agree with you. I don't think that just because they're deployed it's a free pass for them to slide through the relationship with us doing all the work until they come home, I still expect my husband to ask how I am, ask how my day is, listen if I need to vent. So I don't think you're asking too much I just think that when you get to the point when you're feeling overwhelmed again you need to let him know that you need a few minutes of his time to vent. He DOES love you he's just wrapped up in his own life right now but it seems like it will be pretty easy to feel him back in.

And I totally get what you mean by imaginary boyfriend. Most days I don't really feel married.

[erinalanna]

That's what I had to tell myself! I normally am very laid back and don't care much which ends up benefitting me haha the less you are on guy's cases the more they want you to be. But yes deployment has changed all that. It is very hard to pick up on subtle clues via messaging lol I know I would get mad because he would be all happy and jolly not picking him on my "ok." text meaning "ok, i'm mad." Which only makes you even more mad! I've learned that you gotta swallow your pride and when something is wrong you need to tell him what's up! Ever since I talked to his friend I have felt a lot better. I've taken a step back from being so neurotic about hearing from him and has made me feel a lot better. Just overall a big transition you kinda have to learn the hard way. 

My boyfriend does well in asking how my day is but I just feel like it's so blah. Haha the same conversation every day. I told him we could communicate every other day so that we actually can have a real conversation to tell each other what is going on or what has happened but he never wants to do that. Sometimes I just get scared that it's going to get so routine in us not having a real substantial conversation that it just couldn't be good if that makes any sense. 

Overall, we are both really laid back which I think is why we worked doing long distance before but as soon as he got to deployment it changed me. I need to remember who we are and follow that trust and know that everything will be okay. This is something he has to do and is what he's trained to do. I can't sit here worrying about what could happen. That is just going to make things worse. But since I am generally laid back, and I'm worrying about stuff I hadn't before, I always get scared that I'm nagging and it will only push him away. I need to also realize that communication is key. That along with trust. Without them I don't think a relationship can thrive especially given the circumstances.

Thank you for your input!!!! I've really valued it all :):)

[kakhimedson]

I know EXACTLY what you mean! You know, I imagined the longer he is gone, the more I would get used to him being gone. That is definently NOT the case!
I feel the same as you, with the whole " imaginary boyfriend" thing. It's just weird to have someone there all the time and then to have them leave and hear nothing of them for long periods of time... It starts to feel like all of what we had was a dream! I am glad you brought that point up, I was beginning to feel like crap for feeling that way.
You know, I am learning how to deal with all of this as well. But the biggest thing that helps me get through is remembering the trust we buit in our relationship. I've just learned I gotta trust that after all of this is all over, we are still going to be okay. I always just think to the future. But then again, sometimes that help, and other times it just drives me crazy because it feels like worlds away!
Anyway, I don't know if I helped at all other than reassuring you you aren't alone in what you are feeling. You are not crazy! :)

[KEB]

I finished Nursing School/took my boards this June. Nursing school is ROUGH! I got married in the middle of the summer and my husband just shipped off to basic 2 weeks ago. Newly married and noooooooo communication! It's awful.

Keep up with the school work! I know it's probably A LOT of added stress. It was the most stressful time of my life being in RN school! I couldn't want to pull my nose out of those darn text books. But, also, think of it as a blessing. You do have some distraction while he's gone.

Being just a GF of a Sailor must be hard. With my husband in basic, I'm in contact with recruiters, involved with other Navy Wives, and figuring out our next move and doing everything together as a unit for us. I feel really connected to everything he's doing. Have you guys maybe thought about maybe getting married after this deployment?

**Have a glass of wine, some ice cream and get a few good cries out! Think of how handsome he is in his uniform and what an amazing thing he's involved in. Such pride! :)  You aren't dating a boring sales rep, you aren't dating a business man, car mechanic or teacher... you're dating a United States Sailor!!! How awesome is that?!!? :) :) **

[erinalanna]

Nursing school is very very stressful! I thought I stressed and worked my ass off to get in.... that was a cake walk compared to what I'm doing now! And I hear ya with the nose in the books! Hahah! Every second that I'm not doing anything I pick up my book to read...I just got in this semester and my boyfriend just left AND I moved back home to my parents to help me out financially with school.... Just a big transition period for me overall. About the marriage thing.... right before he left for deployment he brought up marriage which he never had before. He told me he knows he can see himself marrying me and I can see myself marrying him but we're both still young. I'm 22 and he's 23, we decided that we would wait a few years before we took that leap. I figure that if we can make it through deployment and him being in Hawaii and me being in Nursing school then we know for sure it is the right step to make in our lives.

Funny you mention it, I have a glass of wine next to me right now as I lay on my couch in my scrubs! You are right, I do look back on his pictures in his uniform and feel like I'm living in a fairy tale. Every man in my family has served in the military and is one thing I have always admired so deeply. I feel so lucky to have one of my own now. I could never want anything more out of a man I love than to have a real life super hero! Very awesome!!!! Thanks for the advice!!!! 

[liveforlove11]

how long has he been gone? ive been with my sailor for a year. hes been in the navy 8. he was gone a total of about 5 or 6 months last year. but this is the longest i have had him gone at one time. hes currently been deployed since march. he was scheduled to be home next month but with everything thats been going on as far as syria his deployment got extended and he hasnt been able to tell me when he will be home. i completely understand what youre going through. it gets so hard. i get daily emails... he sends flowers and gifts and calls whenever he gets thw chance but it doesnt fill the void. it doesnt get any easier. sometimes i cry for no reason but i remind myself that what he is doing serves a purpose. day to day it seems to go so slow but when i stop and think... the months have gone rather quickly. just know its very hard on him too. they are away from everything and everyone they know and love. all you can do is let it out when you have too and keep trying to support him the best way you can. hope youre having a better week!