Sailor coming home.

[togetherandapart]

Ok I need some input. Ok my boyfriend came home for the first time the beginning of this month and he may be coming home in 2 weeks. I understood the first time about him coming home and needing to spend time with everyone because he hadn't seen them since he left for bootcamp. But this time his mom is wanting alone time with him and isn't even wanting me to come to the airport to pick him up. His mom lives an hour away and he wont be home til Sat evening and then will have to leave early Mon morning. So that means he would really only have Sun to spend time with everyone else. I dont know what to do or how to be because I mean we have been together for 5 years and I want some alone time with him. But I don't want to be selfish or steal him away from any of his friends that don't talk to him every day and don't see him. But then I want to be selfish because we are in a relationship and we need that time with each other to keep our relationship going. Its just really hard because everyone is wanting their time with him but I start to feel like I'm getting pushed on the back burner when that happens. 

I just need some outside thoughts on what to do about this. Because I dont want to be like this every time he comes home. Even though we have been together for so long I still sometimes feel like I'm the new girlfriend and I need to stay out of everyones way that has been there longer than me, and I dont know why I feel like that. I mean its been 5 years I should be over that already. But just being a girlfriend with her man in the Navy, I feel like I dont have any rights to anything. Like I dont matter as much until I'm his wife. Am I weird for feeling like this?  Any thoughts would help.

Thanks 

[abuon18]

It's up to him how he spends his time when he's home. You should tell him what you want (the alone time, or to go pick him up from the airport with his mom, or whatever( and let him decide how to handle it. It's a tricky situation to confront his mom yourself so I say let him do it. She will have to respect what he wants if it comes from him. If he already spent time with everyone else he shouldn't need to this trip especially since it's so short!

[LoveMySailor (Ship 02 DIV 944)]

I agree with abuon18.  Let HIM decide. Sounds to me like he and his mom have been very close with each other.. You should tell him you want to spend some time alone with him, and in my opinion, he should want that as well.

[C's girl]

I also agree but I am sorry if this comes out wrong but why does his mom think she can just make this BIG decision. You have been with him for 5 years! You need him too! If not more! I do think it is his place to tell his mom if he wants you to pick him up to. Because if it comes from you it couldn't be the best thing for you and her relationship. Good luck!

[togetherandapart]

I agree with you but I can't find it in me to tell him that. I feel like I dont have any say in the choices he makes. I feel like he and his mom make all the decisions when he comes home. I would like to just pick him up from the airport on my own and have my own moment with him. I dont mind sharing him I really dont but we need our own moments sometimes without everyone else. 

[abuon18]

Well if you don't tell him he will never know you feel this way. And if you have been together for 5 years and can't communicate your feelings to him you should take a step back and figure out why because that's a pretty big issue. Communication is key in relationships and especially in military relationships where you don't get to see each other all the time.

[autibug]

I am in a very similar situation. I have been with my fiancee for 5 years and his grandma (who has raised him) has been very bitter and cold to me ever since he left. I am over all of his finances and all of his stuff still goes to her house and she has been very rude about giving me his checks and stuff so I can deposit them. I didn't ask to be over his stuff he asked me to because he didn't trust anyone else. It has been so hard since he left because I feel like half of his family is angry at me and thinks I forced him to go into the Navy when it was his decision all alone. Most of his friends are being really rude to me also. It has not made this whole experience very pleasant for me. His mom and sister are the only ones that are being nice to me. The hardest part for me is that I am going to PIR with his grandma and his aunt. Luckily his sister is coming also or I don't know if I could handle it. I do agree this is his battle and he has to decide who he wants to spend the time with. I would definitely say talk to him about it though and let him know your concerns and feelings.

[togetherandapart]

I know that its his choice on what he does when he comes home. And the thing is is that we are talking about getting married in a little over 6 months. And I want that time to figure things out with him and theres only so much I want to talk to him about all the over Skype or a text message. I feel like everyone is telling me that I need to hang back and let him have time with other people because I will have him forever and everyone else wont. I understand he needs time with his friends and family and the people he wont get to see for awhile, but its like am I going to get that answer every time he comes home? Do I need to hang back every time he comes home because we will be living together soon and be married? I dont really thinks thats fair to me at all. We are together we are in a relationship me and him are the ones trying to keep a long distance relationship going. I guess because we have been together for so long people think we dont need as much time with each other. I dont know I love when he comes home but then it also stresses me out. Why can't it just be simple and I know for sure that he will set time aside for us as a couple.

[togetherandapart]

Yea that makes sense. We really do have a good relationship but it feels like ever since we have gotten back from his PIR our relationship has been kinda different. I feel like what you said compete with her and every one else. Its just really hard for me because we do have such a good relationship with each other. Also they are really close and he lived with her for a while before he left, but the thing is I dont want this to go into like if we get married. 

[sailorwifenmom]

As the wife and the mom of a Sailor, I can see both sides of this, and how you both want to spend time with him.  I am NOT saying that it sounds like you are doing this, but it does sound like SHE is trying to, but the thing is, you don't want to make this a tug of war with your Sailor as the rope.  Both of you are important to him.  I've never excluded my mother in law from homecomings, but at the same time, as his wife and the mom of his kids, we (the kids and I) were the "priority". 

It's very likely that she's telling you this (as opposed to telling him, or having him tell you), because she knows that he won't be on board with this plan, and she's hoping to bully you into going along with it.  There's nothing wrong with telling him, nicely and calmly, something like "Your mom has said that she doesn't want me or anyone else at the airport to pick you up, and that she wants it to be just you and her for the first night.  You know I love you, and I want to see you, and I really  hope that we can both have some alone time with  you this visit, but I also know that your time is limited, so I want this visit to be about YOUR wants, not what she or I want.  Do YOU want me at the airport?

If he says yes, he does, then who cares what his mom says?  Go to the airport, and be there to welcome your Sailor home.  If he says no, he doesn't want you there, then I'm sorry, I know you love him, but that would say to me that either he's tied to his mom's apron too tightly to be someone that it's a good idea to be in a relationship with, or he doesn't value your relationship as much as you do, and you might want to seriously re-think where you guys stand.

I'm betting that he's going to want you at the airport though! 

PS - it is hard, but there are ways that you both get time with him.. For instance, my husband and I drove down to VA where our son is last weekend.  A friend was getting pinned, and we wanted to congratulate him and his wife, and we wanted to see our son.  My father in law was coming up to visit us, and decided to come early and meet us there and visit with Brian (our son) also.  Well.... this so happened to be the weekend that his girlfriend was getting into town (she just transferred up there).  We all got there Friday night.  My father in law had gotten his room, my husband and I got a room on base (where we had already gotten a reservation before we knew about my father in law coming).  Brian picked up his girlfriend at the airport and they had Friday night together.  We met them that morning, went to lunch as a group, then he and his girlfriend showed grandpa around for a couple of hours.  He dropped grandpa off with us at our friends house at dinner, we did our thing (with grandpa along), and our son and his girlfriend went off and did theirs..... It's possible to see a lot of people in a short time, you just have to be flexible (and the "you" here really means "his mom"!) 

[sailorwifenmom]

Oh, I forgot to add, if  you all are in a casual or "early days" sort of relationship, then yes, I can see how, honestly, his mom is "the number one woman" in his life - I know me and our daughter are more important to our son than some girl that he just took out a couple of times....  BUT - it doesn't sound like that's your relationship at all.  If you are in a serious, long term relationship, and it sounds like you are - then you need to be in a place of importance - before you are a wife.  Because if you are not respected and treated with courtesy as a steady, serious girlfriend (and 5 years CERTAINLY "counts" as steady serious girlfriend!!!!)  then you won't be respected or treated with courtesy as a wife. 

Tell him how you feel, and let him make the call on who is there! 

Good luck!!

[meagan5220]

Tricky situation, my husband and I just got back from leave and let me tell you it was a whirlwind.

 

I agree though you need to call him and talk to him. Ask him if he wants you to tag along or if he wants you to come pick him up alone. Its really hard when you go home and you feel like you have to go see a million people and if you dont do it right then you are the bad guy or you get people making you feel guilty (happened to us multiple times over three weeks!)

 

You might suggest to him for sunday to feel like he gets everyone in maybe a lunch with family and whatnot then you two spend the afternoon together like a date and do dinner and then he can let all his friends know that he will be at say a bar or a bar and grill later that evening for drinks or just to hang out ya know? that way he sort of feels like he gets to see everyone but isnt too overwhelmed with running around (I have started this with my husband and I a little and it does help some. Just tell everyone where you will be and when and its up to them to come see yall. Its sooo much easier! If they want to see him and yall tell them far enough in advance there is a good chance they will be able to make it.)

 

I would talk to him about possible boundaries or how he feels like the situation should be handled. Especially if yall are getting married soon. I am sorry to say but I have seen soo many Navy Moms that are like this with their sailors (not saying they all are of course! I know some great Navy Moms!) but some Moms still complain their kid doesnt call them everyday and they are 35-40 years old. or complain the Navy took them away from home... I am sort of thinking...wouldnt you want them to get away from home by that age? lol I even met one Navy Mom that threatened to push her DIL off the pier if she tried to hug her son first! I feel like I still struggle with my husband's mother ALOT! We barely spent any time alone if she was off work. She HAD to go everywhere with us. and she made plans for us and tried to make us feel bad if we didnt go see her friends. I already told my husband next leave period we are doing something for us. We spent the last three weeks falling all over ourselves trying to see everyone and I am quite frankly over it! If they want to see us they can take time off work, pay for it, and come see us. (sorry mini vent! lol)

 

As far as you not being important as a Navy gf thats not true!! GFs are just as important except to the Navy itself for legal matters and paperwork. But otherwise as long as I can tell a gf is true and loyal I treat her just the same as I do a wife. Now some gfs I can just tell they are up to no good and still play hs games. Now those ones I will disregard. But I would say you need to talk to him about how what priority you are in his life and what priority you should be in his life. If yall are planning on getting married then there should be no question he needs to spend time with you. I say your best bet is to be honest and talk to him :)

[togetherandapart]

Yea I know I have been needing to talk to him about that I just hate doing it over the phone or on Skype. We are suppose to talk about everything and figure everything out when he comes home for Christmas and has more than just a weekend to be here and chill. I feel like that would be the best time to get everything out in the open and talk about everything. From where I fit in and marriage and stuff. I'm sure I should talk to him about it sooner but like I said I hate talking about that stuff over the phone. I would rather do it face to face, he has even said that he would rather talk about all that important stuff when he comes home too.

The thing is is that when he was home his mom wasnt like that and we never had a problem at all. Its just that ever since he went in we got really close while he was at bootcamp sharing somethings in our letters and if we got phone calls or not but I just feel ever since we got back from seeing him at bootcamp things have been different I feel. Like I feel like she feels differently towards me or something. It just feels not right. 

O and I promise you I am not one of those girls in it for all the wrong reasons. We went through so much together even before he got into the Navy. I just feel like I get put second a lot to every one else. And it doesnt always feel very fair.