Save-the-Date Drama

[Popeye'sBabyGirl]

Hello Ladies!

My fiance and I are in the throws of planning our wedding for next May, but with him stationed about a 12-hour drive away and no idea of whether our date will get changed, I'm starting to feel a little nervous. 

His assigned squadron is currently out on deployment and he's been trying his hardest to get some answers, but he keeps getting told he won't know anything until they get back, or they send for him to join them.

I've read that it's good for NAVY wives to be flexible and patient in their wedding details.  Not to sound like a diva, but I want to move forward and start planning.  I feel like I need to secure a venue and plan ahead because there are lots of weddings in Utah during spring time. We've chosen a date that is good for both families, but have let people know that it could easily get changed. 

Do any of you have some advice for our situation?  Any crazy NAVY/wedding stories to share?

How did you cope with the wedding details without knowing your date would be secure?

Thanks,

Angela

[CHN-B]

Maybe get officially married at the courthouse or by your local priest (if you don't have to book far in advance), & only invite close family & friends to that. Then have the reception for friends/family when you know for sure when your fiancé will be back?

[Popeye'sBabyGirl]

I thought about doing that.  However, I can't really move to be with him until May anyways because I'm finishing up my degree in Business and Marketing Education. I'm exploring the possibility of moving up there to be closer for my last semester, but that means that I will need to have the wedding pretty much planned before I leave.  I would hate to have to plan it while I'm far away when I could have planned it while I'm here. 

But I'll think about it... it's a possibility.  I just know our families would really hate to miss the ceremony.  And my family lives in the Middle East, so that's why I'm ok with waiting for now.  I'm just nervous about having to change the date and loosing out on the best venues.

[abuon18]

If you have venues in mind talk to them and see what they flexibility is. If you put a deposit down many places will allow you move the date if another is available... At least that's somewhere you can start! Before you sign anything make sure that clause is in the contract! With other vendors, you don't have to book so far out (for example florists... I am having my wedding in Dec. & just started talking to florists this month) so that gives you some more time to play with.

[charissa02]

Hi! Well to be honest there isn't anything you can do but hope that it will work out. Me and my husband are planning our wedding for march. It was frustating at first because you wanna get everything done and invites out etc. What we did was get married through the court first and then went from there. So it will probably be a while until you know if you will ever know. Things are very unpredictable, for me I'm just going with the flow and hoping for the best. So far because he has been on deployment so our date should be fine. Hopefully you and your sailor get a rough estimate of some sort to help you out, but just try and relax and go with the flow :) it will work out in the end. Oh! Also as long as your family's know and understand that things could change at any moment, and once you have that rough estimate, just go head and send invites and if for some reason it changes your family's and friend's should understand. That's what I'm doing, just try not to book a venue and things just yet wait a little till it gets closing and you know nothing is going to change. Well I hope I helped a little bit :)

[Popeye'sBabyGirl]

Thanks!! That's great advice!  I'm going to start looking for flexible vendors now, but wait to sign any contracts until I know more.  :)

[Absoltuekraze]

I've been struggling with the same thing!

We got married at the courthouse this last March, and still haven't set a date for the ceremony. I'm glad we got married when we did though, cause otherwise we wouldn't get any of the benefits and wouldn't be living together.

IDK if it's just cause he's on a small ship, but every time he asks about taking leave his superiors just tell him they can't grant leave that far in advance because things could change any day. 

We might have to wait till he's on shore duty, or we know the ship is gonna be in for a while. IDK what else to do. We could set a date for 6 months from now, but have no clue if/when the ship will be out. Or wait till we know and scramble to put it together in a few months. 

Anyone have any better advice?

[Popeye'sBabyGirl]

Awwwwww!!  I hope you guys can plan your ceremony soon!

It's helping me just to know that other ladies are struggling with the same thing.  Hang in there!  We'll get through it! :)

[Desiree]

I had the same problem, me and my husband got married through JOP almost a year ago and we planned our wedding to be in mid April. Once our planning came along found a venue and all the fun stuff we found out he was going on a eight month long deployment and won't return by the day we had planned our wedding. So now we're just holding off on the planning until his deployment is over. It sucks!! I gave up on the whole wedding idea but he's pushing for it and our family wants us to experience the real deal. So we're hoping for next September, if not I give up Lol. Good luck on planning it's so exciting but very stressful when planning on the Navy's time.

[Popeye'sBabyGirl]

Oh my gosh!! Thank you for sharing!  I'm so sorry that it didn't work out as planned!  Hopefully you'll get your big day!!  I am having a hard time accepting that the NAVY doesn't work around weddings.  I know it's silly, since it's our nation's security at stake, but it seems so unreasonable sometimes!  Or at the very least, unpredictable!!!

[Desiree]

yes very unpredictable but I've learned to accept it, have no other choice. I def agree with you, they should allow time off for important things. hopefully everything works out for you and your fiancé :)

[Anti M]

Ha, weddings come and go.  Some sailors would get every other deployment off if that were the case.  Yes, that's cynical and I'm only half joking.  

My mom and dad were married on a dime and last minute, mom didn't even have a wedding gown until a couple days before the ceremony.  Her father wasn't going to let his oldest daughter get married in a pink suit!  It was during WWII, venue was the church chapel, reception in the attached social hall.  I married in Vegas, so not planning the big day is sort of a family tradition.  All you need is love, a license and an officiant.  The rest is gravy.

 (insert rant here about expectations about expensive weddings pushed on TV and in magazines)

(insert rant here about saving for your deposit on your new home together)

They don't even get time off for the birth of a child if they're deployed.  Married sailors do get paternity leave now, which is a huge step forward, but it isn't for the birth, it is taken within a year of the birth.  Even the Navy can't promise them time off on a specific date!

The Navy never works around you, you work around the Navy.  

[sailorwifenmom]

Honestly, it seems to me the only real options you have are:

1) To have a small ceremony now, with a reception later when you have more of an idea as to his schedule (maybe a few months, maybe a year, maybe after he's on shore duty).

2) To pick the locations you want for the wedding, reception, etc and hope that they work out, risking losing deposits if they don't.  (You could talk to the businesses and see if they would be willing to work with you because of his military service - they may or may not be receptive to this.)

3) Plan the things that you can - like picking the dress, bridesmaid dresses, planning the menu, ordering all the non perishable items, etc, then leave the other things like picking the location, menu, etc, for later - even if it means not getting your first choice of location and so on, but you have more security as far as the likelihood of losing deposits because of his schedule issues.

Honestly, if it were me, I would go with the 1st or 3rd choice.  When my husband and I got married, we didn't have family there (we were married while we were both stationed on a very small island in the Bering Sea), and we had small celebrations with our families later.  I know this would probably mean that you won't quite end up with the "wedding of your dreams", but just remember, as special as the day is, really, it's just one day in a lifetime together - and isn't it better to have a wedding that you compromise / give up some of the details for, so that you can have the groom of your dreams - as opposed to a "perfect wedding" - but to the wrong (not your Sailor) guy :-)

Because, honestly, even if it's not a perfect wedding at the best spots, years from now, you're still going to remember it happily, because it's the day you and he became husband and wife, kwim?  :-)