Should I say anything to him?

[Squeekerz]

My fiance sent me a letter last week saying that he was mentally unstable.  This week, his message was a bit more upbeat, saying that my letters help him a lot.   Well, he sent his mother a letter this week and it had two different pieces of paper.  The first letter expressed every fear and concern that I have too!  He described not knowing if he can handle the military way of life.  He doesn't want to miss his children growing up.  He said he didn't feel as though the Navy life was what he had imagined...And he doesn't know if it is the kind of life he wants when raising a family... He said not to be surprised if he shows up at the door looking sad....  He also was saying he didn't think he'd make it through basic training anyway......  His second letter was more upbeat, saying he thinks he can mentally make it though... and it seemed a bit more positive....

 

My question is... should I say anything about how I honestly feel too?    I wrote him a letter last week telling him that I stood behind him no matter what choice he makes, which I do.  Should I express to him how hard it is though?  I mean... I want to be supportive too.. but I'm starting to wonder if he really knew what he was getting himself into...  Or should I just send encouragement to get through boot camp?   I'm so torn.. I really want to beg him to just come home.... but at the same time I want him to go for his dreams without worrying about me....

[Squeekerz]

He'd laugh at the comment that his girl is sleeping with his best friend... 'cause I AM his best friend, so in essence it's true.  ;)     But yeah.... I understand it's hard.  I just wish he knew if he really wanted this, 'cause he never really thought it through.

[maryquitecontrary (1131 M)]

Did he have a short time from going to the Naval recruitment office to when he left for bootcamp? It seems like most people are waiting months and months.....

[Jess_0411]

Most people do. My husband waited a whole year from when enlisted to when he went to MEPS and then boot camp. It seems to be very rare that people leave immediately. I'm not saying it doesn't happen. I'm just saying its rare.

[maryquitecontrary (1131 M)]

Yes, Jess, that's what I'm saying. My boyfriend had a long time before bootcamp to process all of this!

[Squeekerz]

Yeah, he started through the process last August, so he had about 8 months to actually process... but he procrastinates everything, including emotions.  He didn't even start training until they told him "You're leaving this month"  ....  The thing is, he wasn't thinking of what life would be like after boot camp.  He was just thinking about actually going through boot camp...  =\  He never did any research or anything on anything...  So that's the only reason I'm wondering how much he truly thought his choice through.

 

... Well.. nothing we can do about it now though.   I'm just writing encouragement to him and what not.  If it's really not his thing, he just doesn't have to try and re-enlist, right? 

[Andi6109]

right....but i think typically they initially sign a 6 year contract, so hopefully it becomes his thing :-)

[Angie]

Everyones first contract is for 8 years.. 4-6 years active duty and the rest in the reserves.

 

If he wants out better for him to try and get out while in bootcamp as once he is done with bootcamp it isn't as easy as it is in bootcamp.   

 

If he stays in there will be long period of time will you will be seperated, 6 + months at a time.  Plus all the work ups...his first sea tour will be about 5 years and out of that time he will be gone anywhere from 50-75% of the time.  (not all at once though).  So you both REALLY need to figure this out as if he goes on deployment and is gone for 6 months how are you two going to handle it. 

 

Asking as it sounds like you don't want him to do it....

[Squeekerz]

6 months I have tried to prepare myself for.  But how often would he be gone for that long?  I haven't been able to figure out how regularly that happens...   And ... sea tour?  What is that?  When does that happen?  And 5 years?  He'd be gone for that long at once?!  That... that I could NOT handle.  I'm sorry... that is far too long for him to be gone....

 

To be completely honest, I don't want him to be doing something that keeps him away for that long (years).  How are we supposed to raise a family together if he's always gone?  That's like me raising a family alone and him visiting every so often...    I am completely willing to support him if he's gone for 6 months or so occasionally... but if it's 6 months or more  and it happens extremely frequently.... I honestly don't know if I can deal with that...  I don't know if that's what he wants to live like either!

[Angie]

Sorry....let me explain.  Sea Tour means the amount of time they are at a sea going command, it doens't mean they will be gone the while 5 years.  Let me give you an example of what can happen (and does a lot):

 

Sailor checks into command, command is getting ready for deployment in 6 months.  They do what is called work ups, where they are out to sea for 2-3 weeks at a time and back for about a week, they do this for about 4-5 months.  The month before deployment they try to allow people to take 1-2 weeks leave (if they have leave).  Than they go on deployment, out for 6 months.  Come home, again try to let people take leave 1-2 weeks.  Ship is in home port for maybe 2-3 months.  Than the ship gets called to do a surge (an upplanned deployment) they get ready again, but this time only have 1-2 months to get ready.  Over 1/2 that time they are underway.  Than they go again on deployment (the surge) this time for only 3-4 months though.  When they get back they get a few week down time.  But in about maybe 9 months they will be going on another 6 month deployment.  That 9 month wait time they are in and out of port about 1/2 that time frame.

 

After the sea tour of 5 years, most people get shore duty for 3 years which means on a shore command (where they don't deploy)  BUT..due to everything on in the world I would say about 50% of the people on shore duty end up going IA, which means over to Iraq, Afgan, or HOA to support the war on terriosm.  Doesn't matter their job...as they send paper pushers over there.  Most people who end up going IA don't even do the job they where trained for the get more training and go over.  My hubby did this and was all happy he got to throw hand granades (sp) on his birthday, LOL! No my hubby did not ask to go IA, he got sent. 

 

Does that all make sense?

 

Not being rude...but how can someone join the USN and not understand they will be away from their loved ones for long amounts of time.    I realy hope you don't take that the wrong way it is just a question.  (ughhh I hate how you can't see faces on here) 

[Squeekerz]

Oh wow.  That's a whole lot of doing stuff.   I'm not sure how to respond to that at the moment, as my mind is kinda going all over the place.    If you don't mind, could I print this off and send it to him to read?  For some reason I'm under the impression that he doesn't know anything about what's going to happen when he gets out of basic training...

 

And, btw, thank you SOOO much for explaining things to me.  I keep trying to read things and I just don't understand most of what I read.  I try and ask around, but I keep getting a lot of different stories.  A lot of people recently have tried to explain to me that their experience with Navy life is just like a job with looong hours, but besides that it's not bad.   That didn't make much sense to me, since I keep wondering about the times they need to go on a ship and everything.

 

I don't know how much he knew before going in to be honest.  He didn't talk about it much.  His dad is retired from the Navy though... so maybe he knows more than I think he does?  I know he realized he would be away for the 6 months or so... but I don't think he knew how often... or about the work-ups....  Maybe that's why he wrote saying he was starting to realize the Navy wasn't what he thought it was...

[Angie]

If his dad is retired from the Navy I am sure he knows more about the Navy than he is letting on.  Let him decide if the Navy is for him.  If it is, we will all be here for you :~}  And you will meet even more people as you move from command to command (normally every 3-5 years). 

 

This is hard right now as it is the start of somthing different.  Please don't get discourged by what I wrote...I just told you what I have seen.  I am in a Chief in the USN, and my hubby is a retired Chief. 

 

We have had long times apart...but that made us grow even stronger. Ever time we saw each other it was like a honey moon.  We are both very strong people and don't mind doing things on our own and each have our own friends, and some of the same friends. 

 

I wouldn't send him info you are finding out...he is stressed enough and doesn't need the added stress of you being worried.  Stay postive in your letters.  Write two letters...the one where you are venting to him about all the stuff you are finding out and the other a postive up beat letter.  YOU keep the venting letter for yourself to relect on latter in life and send him the upbeat one. 

 

Find somthing you like doing to keep you busy...find something that you can do anywhere so that when you al get to your first duty station you can find people who like the same things.  Easy and quick way to make friends.  Do you sing (or like to) join a church choir, do you paint?  See if there are any groups around you that meet at a park and paint.  Do you like to take pictures?  Go to a nursing home and offer to take family pictures for free for them.  What do you like to do?  Do you know how to swim?  If not take a class at the Y. 

 

It may seem like you are alone in this and you are the only one who has ever gone though this..but you aren't.  Ever single person who is married to or loves a Sailor has/is going though what you are.  This is a support network and a safe place for you to vent.

 

 

[Angie]