Ultimatum...

[Girlfriends, Fiances,and Wives of Sailors]

Where do I begin??

 

Well, I've known my sailor for a little over 4 years..

We met at work (I couldn't stand him when I met him)..

Well.. We started dating last year when he came home for leave but when he left he was different and only seemed to be himself when they were out at sea.. We ended the relationship but remained friends..

It's been a year since that and we're both still here for each other, we talk all the time, you could say we still act like we're boyfriend and girlfriend just without the titles.

Since we started dating we had talked about getting married because we both new we wanted to be with each other.. After the break up we didn't mention it.. A couple of months later he brought it up again and he told me he did want to be with me no matter what.

Well, we started dating again in May and that ended soon.. I found out someone was sending him pictures and I felt disrespected and I confronted him about it. He was upset and made me seem like the bad guy. he stopped talking to me soon after that..

He went out to sea a month later and I hadn't talked to him for that month.. I decided to e-mail him and just tell him that I hope he's doing well and to be safe.. (I wasn't expecting to receive and e-mail.. I did)

After I received the e-mail from him I couldn't help but smile..

He wrote me about a 2 page e-mail telling me he was sorry for what he had done (he never apologizes for what he does, he's HARD HEADED) and that he does want to be with me but he just did something very stupid and he would understand if I didn't want anything to do with him..

Of course, I was excited to see that he e-mailed me and apoligized.

I wrote him back and gave him my thoughts..

Since this is long i'll cut it short and get to my main question..

Lol.

He's supposed to be coming home in December and we have said that whenever he went on leave we would want to get married.

So, I want to talk to him when he comes home and give him an ultimatum ..

We have a serious talk and lay everything out on the table and get married even if I can't live overseas or not get married and I end this relationship once and for all.

I've waited a year for him.. going on 2.. As much as I want to wait for him I can't keep doing this to myself...

 

I just don't know if my ultimatum is a good decision or what?!

Help me ladies!

I know this was a loooong post, I just needed to let it out.

 

[Bandito's Mom]

Actually whether you trust him or not doesn't matter.  What really counts is whether is he trustworthy.  I was in a relationship, broke if off severall times, he had a bit of a wandering eye.  Kept coming back to me saying all the right words.  Broke it off again, but slowly worked it back together.  We fought and he said if I just married him, we wouldn't fight... silly me, agreed and married.  Several years later, found out he cheated and worked really hard to forgive him..... several more years later, he skips work without telling me, find out he spent all day with a girl that he was 'just friends" with.  I finally walked and divorced (get this tho, we even tried dating before the divorce was final)  Found a man who is trustworthy, have been married 21 years and I have never had a reason to doubt his fidelity.  From experience, it is not worth the pain and the selfdoubt to be with a man who is not trustworthy. 

 

[maryquitecontrary (1131 M)]

Well said!

[Sailor's gf (Ship 10 Div 261)]

I would say that you should definitely not do the ultimatum! That's not the best way to start off a marriage! But I wouldn't give up on the relationship either, if you really love him! My boyfriend and I had almost very similar issues at the beginning, but one day as clear as day he COMPLETELY changed, and everything has been different since! I asked him what happened, and he said he was just being a dumb guy playing games, but one day he realized what was right in front of him might not always be there. He said it just hit him like a ton of bricks that he was being an idiot! We are very very happy and I can now trust him 100%. So maybe talk to him in a non confrontational way and let him know that if things don't change, you won't always be there. I hope everything works out for you two!

[Sailor's gf (Ship 10 Div 261)]

of course! I'm pretty new to this site so I'll message you back if I can figure out how... :)

[TickledTink]

My husband and I have been together for 9 years.  We had a few pretty rough patches, which is not uncommon for young couples.  (we were barely 18 when we met)  He did eventually change for the better and our marriage is amazing and even better now that he's in the Navy.  But marriage is hard, even when it's with the right one, so it should not be taken lightly at all.  It's even harder in the Navy because of the separations.  My husband is having a really rough time being away from me right now.

Too many people rush into marriage or give up on it too easily.  I definitely do not think starting off with an ultimatum is a good idea at all.

Marriage is not a bandaid.  It doesn't fix problems in a relationship.  I think of marriage like a magnifying glass.  If your relationship is good, it makes it better, but if there are any problems in the relationship, it makes them bigger.  It's hard enough to work through things when things are going well, but when there are issues, it can make marriage downright sucky.  I have a few friends who are recently divorced or just getting divorced.  It makes me sad.  

There is no need to rush.  If he's The One, he's not going anywhere.  You guys are having a hard enough time just dating for more than a little while at a time.  Please don't rush, because it's just going to make things harder.  It doesn't mean you guys would necessarily be doomed for divorce, but marriage is definitely not something to rush into.  We were together 6 years before we were engaged, so trust me, I know it is hard to wait.