What's best for him?

[DissGirl]

Hello again ladies!  I have been doing a lot of thinking about moving out to Charleston with my fiancé.  My only hesitation is that everyone says that me being there will distract him.  I am very understanding and extremely supportive of him, and I want him todo his best, but this long distance thing is killing me (as it is all of us).  After we get married, should I move out there, or would it just make it harder?

[Swirl]

Hi DissGirl! I think you should stop taking what other people say into consideration because it is only you and your sailor in the relationship. Personally speaking, my sailor says how me being away is more distracting than when I'm visiting because he knows he'll get to see me so I doubt your presence would be a negative distraction. You can even help him study like I did! I'd suggest moving because I think that would be good for the both of you. Him missing you like crazy is the biggest distraction. Maybe you two could even consider eloping in Charleston just to make dealing with his career path easier... thinking of wedding plans would probably be too stressful & nuclear engineering is no joke... GOOD LUCK!

[DissGirl]

Good advice.  I just know that I'm going NUTS. lol

[Anti M]

I'm going to throw out general ideas, some of it won't apply to you, but see how you feel about some of the negatives.  Not posting this to discourage you, but to provide a glimpse of obstacles, so you can begin planning effective coping strategies beforehand.  The more you know type of thing.  (I'm depressingly practical).  

Married sailors are often more stable because they aren't as lonely, or out entertaining themselves.   However, the partnership can end up a bit lopsided when it comes to the household.  Nukes can have 14 hour days or longer, so the at-home spouse may end up with a larger portion of chores and small responsibilities, even if they also hold a job and are getting an education.  Add in children and it gets crazy busy.  Some women thrive on the challenge, combining old fashioned housewife with being a 21st century modern partner raising a family ... others crumble.  They feel like they're second the the Navy in all things, and they're pulling all the weight.  When newly married, this can be a bump in the road which can feel like a mountain.

The truth is a sailor's time is not his own, and what he does daily is just as hard, in a different way.  But when it is ten at night and the dinner is cold and she has to take out the trash and do the laundry and make the appointments to get the brakes fixed and take the dog to the vet, and her friends are facebooking the latest party, and she's homesick... it gets hard.  Her sailor comes home and drops in bed, or grabs a video game to relax.  It gets hard.  He misses the anniversary dinner, or the baby's first birthday party, or the newest movie.  Sometimes just too hard to bear time after time.  That's when a spouse digs deep and finds the strength and flexibility and creativity to make it work.  There are many resources out there, you are never alone.

Thousands of men and women do this happily, successfully, and enjoy the journey.   I think you two could marry now, and have it be just fine.  Talk it over with him, see what he thinks.  

[DissGirl]

Thanks for the practicality.  I appreciate it.  We aren't planning to have kids until after he's out of the navy, so that won't be an issue.  I am a teacher and will be doing graduate school online, so that will keep me busy.  I realize that I will be alone a lot, but there will be days that I won't be and that is worth it.  It's going to be his decision ultimately.

[Emily-aaronsgirl11]

Anti M hit the nail on the head!! My husband is really good about doing things when I ask though, I just try not to ask too much because I know how awful his days are even when my days are just as long sometimes between work and school. 

My opinion, the initial marriage, moving out there, getting adjusted may be a bit of a distraction, but ultimately having you by his side is going to make his life easier and more enjoyable. Personally, I've noticed that once I got used to having my husband around, I was able to spend more time on homework instead of texting/skyping/emailing him every second I got a chance. Not to mention I'm no longer worried about the next time I'm going to see him and daydreaming about my next visit to wherever he is... of course that's homecoming excepted... homecoming is a huge distraction from school in itself. 

Anyways, listen to Anti M. She's extremely wise :)

[DissGirl]

Did you guys do long distance for the whole time he was in Nuce School?

[Emily-aaronsgirl11]

Yup. I graduated high school when he was in Prototype, so we really didn't have too much of a choice. I was in Ohio, he was in SC. Once I graduated, I went to school about  4 hours away from him, and that was a huge distraction because we constantly were driving back and forth for weekends when we could. And then he left on his first deployment. We got married a few months after he came home, I moved out there a few months later, and he left on his second deployment a month after we moved in together. Now we finally actually live together full time and it's honestly been everything I daydreamed about for those years of long distance :)

When he was in Nuke school, I would just see how miserable and lonely he would get some days, and all I wanted was to be there to help take care of him, make sure he wasn't eating pizza every day of the week, and spend whatever time together we could. He still works long days, and has duty every 4 days, and I have long days, too, along with lots of homework trying to finish out my undergrad degree, but I still get to see him every night when we're both home, and any weekend we can we get to spend together which is so much better than being long distance. 

Not that long distance can't be done, but if you're married and there's nothing like a job you don't want to leave or a school you're almost done with holding you back, I don't see a reason to not move with him.

[DissGirl]

Do the Nuce's get a "schedule" of when they will have off during school, or is it like I'm thinking and they just let them go whenever they feel like it with little notice?

[Emily-aaronsgirl11]

Well what kind of schedule are you looking for... Like Holidays? Or exactly when they'll start and end each school? Or a daily schedule?

[DissGirl]

If there are schedules for the first two, that would be awesome.  But, since it's the military, I'm not expecting there to be lol :)

[Emily-aaronsgirl11]

When they're in A school and Power school, you can pretty much expect them to have every federal holiday off unless they happen to have duty that day... but they have duty like once a month or something small like that, so the chances of that aren't horribly high, but the possibility is still there. So things like President's Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day, they'll have three day weekends. 4th of July is another one they'll have off. At Christmas time, the base pretty much goes on shut down for two weeks and almost everyone who is in A school or Power school automatically gets leave... If they're in-between A school and Power School (called T-Track) they may only get a week of that off. 

Schedules for exactly when they'll start and end each school is not quiet as easy to predict... What school is he in now?

As soon as he starts a school, he'll know the graduation date. For A school and Power school that date won't change unless he fails a test or the comp or falls back a class for some other reason. In Prototype that date can change based on a variety of factors... My husband graduated on time, but there's been classes that graduate a few months late because of things they can't control. The hold times in between are incredibly hard to predict... they depend a lot upon how fast they're getting everyone through the pipeline and what rate he is. When my husband went through, there were MMs that were having 6 month+ hold times between Power School and Prototype but the Ems (what he was) were having about 2 month average hold times... he only got 2 weeks. So yeah, not exactly possibly to predict when he'll start each school, but once he starts a school it's easy to predict when he'll finish, but like you said, it's the military so don't expect too much :)

[DissGirl]

He's going to be graduating boot camp on Feb 7th and will start after that.  I'm just trying to get an idea of what to expect for him.  Another weird question you may not know the answer too, but here it goes!  He is supposed to be the Best Man in his friend's wedding the Friday of Memorial Day (great planning, right?)  Do you think he will be able to get that day off to be there?  Do they usually get their leave requests granted?