what to do?

[mollybub]

Ladies, I am distraught. My SR and I spoke on the phone on Tuesday, and all he wanted was to come home. And then, when I received the letter he wrote and sent on Sunday, all he talks about is getting out of the Navy and being home with me every night. I have no idea what to do, especially since I can't call him up and talk about it... I have to say it all in a letter, and I'm not sure what to say. Because, obviously, I want him home with me more than anything in the world, but I want what's best for him too. We decided the Navy was best when he joined, but now he is telling me in his letter that he was wrong, that the Navy is wrong for him. He is so unhappy. 

I don't know what to do. I miss him and love him so much, and I am willing to do anything to be with him. As I've said, I have been planning to go to him during A school so we can get married and I can live on base with him when he gets his orders, and while he does want to do that, it seems that he wants to come home more than anything... he is regretting his decision to join the Navy. What can I say to him? How do I support him? Please help. I'm so worried about him...

[Gabby-navy wife]

My husband hates it and regrets going too. He just says he wants to be home so bad with me and our son. I just keep telling me husband that its the best for all of us and that he doesn't like too much longer. Once he's done with BC then he's over the hard part. I write my husband everyday that way I know he is hearing from me hopefully everyday. He told me to send him pictures. He says it will help with the homesickness. You just have to stay stronger than him to help him through this. Even know its the hardest thing in the world.

[mollybub]

I have been writing my fiance everyday, and he said that my letters are the only thing keeping him there, and he asked for pictures as well. I sent a couple, and am trying to print out more to send. I'm sorry that your husband is going through this as well, but I have to admit that it's nice to know that my fiance and I aren't the only ones, you know? I am definitely doing everything I can to stay strong for him and encouraging him. But you are right - it is one of the hardest things in the world.

[abuon18]

Boot camp is designed to be tough on them mentally. When he is out of boot camp most likely he will feel differently.

Either way he signed a contract ad there is really nothing he can do to get out of it, short of a medical emergency or going to medical and claiming depression. They will send him home for that. Or if he wets the bed 3 times apparently (my husband just told me that I don't know why that's true.) Boot camp is NOT what life in the Navy is actually like so he should really stick it out because if he gets examined by a psychologist who determines he's not actually depressed & is just saying so to leave they'll send him back to P days... Happened to a guy in my husband's division.

All you can do is support him and remind him how far he has come and how much easier it will be once he's done with boot camp. What he needs right now is support & positivity from you to get him through! Don't let it worry you too much because boot camp is designed to wear down their emotions. The first time my husband called me he was crying. It's completely normal. Just stay positive, be supportive and whatever else you do, continue to encourage his decision to join. There was a reason you two decided this was best when you were both in emotionally stable frames of mind so just remember those reasons!

[mollybub]

This is true - our emotions are all over the place right now, and we both need to remember that he joined for good reasons. I guess sometimes it just feels like being together is more important... and someday, we will, again. Thank you for encouraging me! Sometimes I think I need it as much as he does! Being a part is so difficult... more difficult than I ever thought it would be.

[abuon18]

If you've gotten letters from him he has to be halfway done or almost there... So you're both on the downward slope. Just make it through the last few weeks and be as positive and encouraging as you can be to him (while coming here to vent! Lol) and trust me, you'll realize once he's on A school how much different it really is from boot camp!

[KJ<3ProudNavyGf Ship-14 Div-026]

Hi molly, I also received letters from my SR this week, and like yours he mentions how since he got there, he felt like he had made the wrong decision, before he left though he was excited and so was i, sad of course because i wouldn't be able to see him but we saw this as an opportunity plus he likes this kind of things, but in his letters he sounds miserable and he mentions how he just wants to come back and be with me that he cant take it anymore. Now all i can do is encourage him and not let him give up, because i know that they are testing them and everything will  be different after boot camp, i hope...i have several family members in the navy and they told me how that's usually how everyone feels during boot camp but to be positive with him and to not let him give up. And since there's not much i can do, i'm hoping that letters of encouragement will help him get through this. I know its hard for you to hear him say that but the best thing we can do it support them as much as we can and be there for them...just be positive and hopefully everything will be ok!

[mollybub]

We're in tough situations, aren't we? It helps to have someone that I can relate to on this. We have to stay strong for them, because really, it's all we can do. I hope we can continue to encourage each other! I appreciate your positivity. I'm finding it hard to be positive, these days...

[Anti M]

Yes, boot camp is horrible and almost everyone feels this way initially.   And yes, one of the things boot camp does is weed out those who can't make the transition to Navy life, to being away from loved ones while they do what they signed up for.  Be supportive, tell him to hang in there, it does get better.   Boot camp sucks, no way around it.   

Actually, I had my worst moments in A school, but I was single during boot camp.  Just escaped an abusive relationship, basic training was almost a relief.  Great Lakes in winter makes for depression and tears anyway, missing everyone you love is tough.  

It does improve.

[mollybub]

I am on Facebook groups with other loved ones with recruits in the Navy, scheduled to graduate at the same time as my SR, and they all seem to say that their recruits are doing better. I can't help but feel my fiance is the odd one out, even though I know he's not. What happens if he just up and decides to quit? Is that even an option? It's so hard, being on this end and out of the loop the majority of the time. 

[Anti M]

No, they can't just quit.   They can perform so poorly they get discharged, or they can get a psych eval and be discharged, but most of the time, they get over the emotional hump and make it through.

[tiffanyk2010]

It could be that your boyfriend is just more vocal about his doubts.  My husband told me after boot camp that he thought about giving up all the time while there.  But didn't because he knew it was what was best for us as a family.  He never even hinted about that in his letters.  He stayed positive, for the most part, for me.  So just because other SRs seem like they are handling things better doesn't mean they are.  They might just be better at hiding it.  It's hard for everyone.  Like others have said, it's designed that way.  But he will have such a sense of accomplishment once it's done.  Just continue to be encouraging for him.  :)

[Angie]

Actual while he is in bootcamp, if he goes to the RDC and tells them he is depressed and homesick...he will go see the shink and pretty good odds he will be sent home.