The Pre-Boot Camp Uffdahs - Why is my child acting like this??

[Lynne]

If you are reading this, then perhaps you and your child are experiencing what I like to call the pre-boot camp “uffdahs”.  Being the Norwegian that I am, uffdah is a catch-all word I use to refer to the frustrating and annoying behavior exhibited by our kids prior to boot camp or perhaps in general during adolescence.  They are the behaviors that make you want to “hang them by their toes from the ceiling fan” and turn it on high speed, shake them until the young person you raised rises to the surface, or just plain kick them out of the house and see how smart they think they are then!! 

The uffdah behaviors can take many forms from disrespect, anger, failure to follow family rules, cursing, angry outbursts followed by door slamming, wall hitting, and even hole making.  It may involve missed curfews, quitting jobs, cutting classes, and even refusing to go to church.  These are the crazy making behaviors that make it seem as if the child you have raised has been replaced by some monster or alien. In the deep recesses of your heart, while you know you are going to miss your child when they leave for boot camp, in the dark of the night you almost welcome the thought of them going and then are consumed with great guilt because of it. You cackle evilly at how their life will change when they have to get up at 4:00AM and follow a rigid schedule, be yelled at and not get to yell back, learn how to iron with pin point accuracy, and finally learn that life at home really was “the good life”.

Guess what???  Lots of families find themselves in similar situations.  These types of behaviors are not that unusual and happen in varying degrees to most families as boot camp, college, and even plain old simple adulthood draws closer.  Why do children go through this hateful phase?  Simply put, they are adolescents.  That is why G. Stanley Hall, a famous developmentalist coined the phrase “strum and dang” as a definition for adolescence which means, storm and stress.  He further describes the period of adolescence as a time of great extremes of emotions.  I wonder how many moms reading this are nodding their heads and thinking about their pre-boot camp children.

You are not alone. Many parents believe for some reason that adulthood begins at age eighteen or high school graduation whichever comes last.   WRONG!!!  Adolescence technically doesn’t end until about the age of 23 or 24.  When you understand the developmental tasks of adolescence the negative behaviors exhibited by your children prior to boot camp make much more sense.  Let’s take a minute and review what those tasks are and how they relate to the “storm and stress” of pre-boot camp behaviors in children.

ü Adolescents are on a search for independence.  They want to become their own person, make their own decisions, do what they want to do when they want to do it and have little or no responsibility at home.   I bet this sounds familiar.  Of course, this all stops if things don’t quite turn out right, they fall short, and get into trouble.  You have to think of it almost like when your babies were learning how to walk.  They took those steps so bravely like they could do anything.  Soon as they fell however they were crying for mama.  This is the same concept.  Your adolescent may be talking big right now.  He/she doesn’t need you. They are making their own choices even when you know they aren’t the right ones.  Then when something goes wrong, they expect you to make it right again.  That is part of them learning to be independent.  They need a soft place to fall, just like they did when they were babies. 

ü Adolescents are trying to become their own person, with their own personality and unique individuality.  Doesn’t that sound wonderful?  Well quite frankly, for most parents it is hell.  It is about mood swings.  One minute the adolescents are so happy, they have the world by the tail.  The next, for reasons unknown to most calm and rational people, they may be severely depressed, terribly angry, or sullen.  There is no rhyme or reason.  You can’t check their diaper, ask if they are hungry, and offer to play with them, or take their temperature.  This is a battle within them and YOU are often the victim because THEY KNOW YOUR LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL.  It isn’t fair, it isn’t right, it just is.  We will talk about how to defuse it. 

ü Adolescents are searching for their identity, their vocational identity as well as their emotional identity as described above.   These young men and women are asking themselves what they want to do with their lives, where they want to be in five years, 10 years.  They face the possibility of families and earning a living.  They begin to realize that they are going to be responsible for caring for themselves and perhaps for others as well and the reality of being a “grown-up” begins to sink in.  It mostly scares the daylights out of them and they react as only they know how.  Again, for boys it is primarily in anger and with girls, usually in tears and sarcasm.

 

So, if you are a parent of an adolescent going through the "uffdahs" prior to boot camp please breathe a sigh of relief and know you are not alone. Very few pre-boot camp families get through this process unscathed.  Many families experience these difficult behaviors in various degrees.  For some families, their children just seem to become more isolative, less involved in family activities, while in other families the young person becomes almost combative, angry, snarling, telling their family they can’t wait to leave or not to even write to them when they are gone.  Harsh words are sometimes spoken and in the heat of the moment it is very easy to get caught up and say things that later on both you and your child will regret having said. 

The old children’s rhyme says “Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”  This is so untrue.  Words can pierce a heart and stay in the mind of a person forever.  Guard your words.  Here are some tips to live by if your child is going through the adolescent uffdahs.

1.     Stay Calm.  If your child is picking a fight, having a major crying spell or is screaming, someone has to be the voice of reason.  Don’t yell back this will only make matters worse.

2.     Try to listen to what they are feeling rather than the words.  Point out what you are hearing.  “Sounds like you are angry, frustrated.” or “Can you tell me what has upset you so much?”  These are very non-blaming statements designed to help you and your child talk.  It is okay to walk away.  “When you can talk about this in a calm manner I will be happy to sit down with you.”

3.     Take into consideration the goals of adolescence.  What are they trying to accomplish?  Remember adolescence is all about extremes and generally young people and most people for that matter are not so good about saying that they are afraid of leaving home or that they are sad about growing up.    Your child is breaking ties the only way they know how.  Boys tend to do that through anger, whereas girls tend to have crying jags.  Either way they are in all likelihood going to blame you in some form or fashion.  Be ready for it and if it happens don’t take it to heart. Recognize that they do it because they know YOU love them unconditionally and they feel safest with you.  Let it slide off your back.  They don’t mean it.  They are just stressed right now.

4.     Pick a time when your child seems relatively calm and take them out to lunch or for a coke and let them know you’ve noticed they have been stressed (duh).  First, you are taking them to a public place where they typically won’t make a scene. Secondly, it is non-threatening and you are doing something nice for your child. Third, gently remind them about what is acceptable behavior in your home and state your expectation that they adhere to those rules.  Let them know that while you are proud of the choice they are making it is hard for you to let go too, and that you will always be there for them.

5.     Choose to overlook the small stuff.  Remember both you and your child are going through a period of letting go.  You are the adult, you set the tone.  This period of time represents only a small part of your child’s life.  Your child will go to boot camp.  No matter how brave, arrogant, assured, or determined they seem, it will be overwhelming and frightening at times.  Be a Navy Mom.

What does it mean to be a Navy Mom?

Ø Be encouraging.  Boot camp is tough.  No matter how prepared your child is, they will need you.  They will need to survive on little sleep, be required to do vast amounts of physical training, adhere to a rigid schedule, and follow very strict rules.  They need to know you are in their corner.

Ø Never give up and never give in.  No matter how your child responds prior to boot camp, understand it is simply a part of seeking independence.  Forgive them and move on.  Children make mistakes and they need to know you love them and that you are sending them prayers, good thoughts and good wishes in boot camp.  They need to know that you are that angel on their shoulders at boot camp, that when things seem tough and it feels like they can’t go on, that the voice in their head they hear is you saying, “You can, you will, and I believe in you.”

Ø Don’t berate your child, express anger, sadness, or fear in your letters.  Remember they are under great stress and need your support and guidance. Write often (everyday) and in a manner that is supportive.  Focus on their needs, not on yours.  You will miss them, but they need to hear that you are doing fine.  They are feeling a great deal of pressure in boot camp and what they need to hear from you is “all is good”, life is continuing on as normal.  Groups such as Boot Camp for Moms have great ideas on things you can include in letters.  Here are just a few ideas from some seasoned moms about what should and shouldn’t be a part of communicating with your child while they are in boot camp:

1.       Write lots of letters full of good news, no downers.

2.       Let them know you miss them, but not that you can’t live without them, or that you cry yourself to sleep or anything like that.

3.       Send pictures of loved ones and pets.  Print them on paper that you send your letters on and don’t send anything risqué.  They can get in trouble for this.  Be sure to remind their girlfriends/boyfriends about this as well.

4.       Keep them informed of life’s little daily mundane events.  It keeps them grounded and connected. 

5.       Send sports scores, summations of world events, tell them what is happening on their favorite TV shows.  Do not sent them bad news like your girl friend is cheating on you or your brother got picked up for a DUI.  They have enough pressure.

6.       Do not embellish the envelopes.  This may bring attention to them.  Attention may cause them to get IT.  IT is intensive training and is punishment.  Don’t let your actions get them in trouble.

7.       Write often, write a letter from your pet, from the house plants, print off their face book page, have their friends stop by and write a few lines on a page.  Be creative in a down low sort of way.

Ø Write, write, write, write and write some more.  Your letters are their life line.  Even if they leave angry and say “don’t write to me.”  Write anyway.  Two weeks into boot camp, they will need their moms. 

Finally, it is very important that you become involved in some groups here on Navy4Moms.  These moms are going through similar things or may have already gone through something similar with their children.  They will be a wealth of information.  You can help each other.  You will hear various views.  Some you will agree with and some you won’t.  It is important to remember that feelings are never right or wrong, they just are.  It is how you act upon your feelings that have consequences.  Always try to be the adult in your relationship with your child; don’t come down to their level. They need you now more than ever to be strong, sure, and steady.  Their ship is just going out to sea.  In their young lives they now face a voyage of uncertainty, fear, excitement, stress, and commitment.  They have chosen a goal far greater than themselves.  Let them know you stand proud for the choice they have made.  Then go to your room, shut your door, let the tears roll down your cheeks if need be, sign on to the Navy4Moms website and we will be here to help you through.  Here you will earn YOUR navy stripes:  proud and strong!!

[Lynne]

If you are sending a small bible you can put little notes of encouragement on the blank pages...my son loved that...gave him a sense of home and hope in those first two weeks when they hold the mail and I put bandaids in one of he credit card slots of his wallet because the new boots give them blisters sometimes...lol...he was glad he had them.  Tell him to sleep as much as he can on the way.

[Life is Peachy]

Great post!  I went through all of this, and thought I was loosing my mind!  Miss my son and can't wait for that first letter home!

[Lynne]

When did your son leave...have you gotten your PIR date yet and if so have you joined that group...