Son not the son I know...

[PNM #2 (Proud NaVy Mom-2nd SR)]

If it were not for the fact that I am just about to the point of desperation I wouldn't be writing this.  My 19 year old son ships out on 03/28/11; we have been knowing the date since late Nov/early Dec 2010.  I found that as time progresses he is getting more and more distant and has gotten to the point of avoiding me totally when possible!  I have been absorbing everything I can on N4M and he doesn't even like that!!!  If he found out I was typing something that would be seen by everybody he probably wouldn't even speak to me again.  But I digress...

 

I am a single mom and he lives with me.  I have done my best to raise him and his brother.  Everybody says I did a great job but how can I when my own son puts distance between us daily?  Yesterday we didn't speak nor did I see him.  Unless I call or text him during the day we don't communicate.  Now that it's getting closer to his ship date I don't want our last few weeks together to be the way they have been lately.  I want us to make good memories that both of us can hang on to when times get tough.  Although I was against his military career at the beginning I have since changed and give him my full support.  (He also refuses to take care of any business, such as power of attorney until the last minute.  He won't even discuss his job or anything about the Navy at all.)  He told his recruiter if something came up he wanted to leave earlier but keeps avoiding the very things that need to be taken care of before he leaves.  I just don't understand.

 

If anyone else has had a similar situation please let me know about it so I know that our situation isn't unusual.  I'm trying my best to deal with this but, with the emotional separation coming so early before he actually leaves, I'm not doing that great of a job.

 

Thanks to you all! 

[ebigirl]

I am too! Keep us posted.

[ebigirl]

My SR leaves March 9. The closer we get to that date I seem to fall apart just a little bit more. I took my son to lunch today, just the two of us. (My husband took him to dinner one night last week.) He has grown by leaps and bounds since last November, when he enlisted all on his own. He has matured and is much more responsible than he was just 6 months ago.

We went through the same "rough patch" that you have described and I thought I was going to loose my mind. He is our only child. When I had finally had enough I looked him square in the eye and told him, "your father and I deserve to be treated with the very same respect that you show your recruiter and others at the recruiters office. Do you think you would get very far with any Navy personel with your cocky attitude and know it all mouth"? He just stood there and looked at me pretty stunned but didn't say a word. I finished by saying, "this attitude of yours is not acceptable and will NOT be tolerated". He apologized and said it would not happen again, and it hasn't!

I agree with what ITSN 2B posted about preparing themselves for the seperation that is coming. It is a part of their defense mode to keep a stiff upper lip and try to act like nothing is bothering them. I've had many talks with my son about his decision to join, and I find I do much more listening than talking. This is new for me, as I'm a very "take charge" type of person. I'm very surprised that this is working so well and am discovering that he is much more willing to open up to me. Right now we are as close as we have ever been.

Sorry this is so long winded, but maybe this approach might help some of you with the same issues I have had become closer to your child before they leave for bc.

By the way, at the end of our lunch, he gave me a big hug and told me that his dad and I did an awesome job of raising him. I couldn't be more proud of him than I am. I know in my heart that his joining the Navy is the very best decision he could have made for himself.

 

 

 

[PNM #2 (Proud NaVy Mom-2nd SR)]

ebigirl - that is so wonderful!!!!  I am so happy that everything is so good between you and your son.  That is just awesome!  I appreciate everyone's suggestions and words so much; you all will never know how much it means to read these.  I wish each of you the best of luck with your SR.

[STG3_VeNard]

Forevermom-- sorry to hear about your son and his gf. Some women cant seem to handle the Navy life and thats the God awful truth of it. I agree with you it is better they break up (if they do) before he leaves. Its never good to get a Dear John letter. But he also needs to realize that if it does happen that its not the Navy's fault and they he should keep his eye on the prize.. recieiving that navy ball cap. Trust me I am there right now. Me and my BF broke up not to long ago and sure it was hard but I also realize it opens many more oppurtunities for me and for him. its harder to date someone while in the navy then it is to be married. After all your bf/gf cant really live with you. Not until you are E5 or greater at least. Tell him if its meant to be it will be.

 

The only advice I can give to the moms who are experiancing a new son/daughter behavior is just to take it a step at a time. If they arent talking to you about whats going on get in touch with their recruiter. Sometimes recruiters can give great advice. I know a lot of people tell you they are just going to lie to you and tell you what you want to hear but thats not always the case. there are great recruiters out there and there are the ones who are only concerned with numbers. being a recruiter is hard. And if you dont do well you get into a lot of trouble. They pull some of the longest hours in the fleet and they get yelled at more then any other navy personnel. Its not a super glamorous job. So like i said, talk to your SR and talk to their Recruiter. Thats the best way you can get any info. 

[ebigirl]

I can't take all of the credit by any means, but thanks for the vote of confidence. If my post helped just one other mom out there then my job is done. I keep telling my husband that when we see Chris at graduation he's going to tell us that he really didn't have it so bad at home, and that we are great parents. He says he'll believe it when he hears it! Men!!!!

[Patti (7/174)]

From what I'm reading, this is a common thing. Cmom was just saying what you said, as well. My daughter's always like that, so I can't tell if she's any different. However, she DID argue about the SHAPE of her going away cake...asked for an anchor and then pitched a fit when I started making it.

 

 I guess it's a lot of stress. Things they need to learn before they get there. Things they WILL learn the minute they get off the bus. All of these unknown expectations, even if they have seen videos on Youtube, etc, it is not the same. Living it, and seeing it, 2 different things.

 

Don't worry about your son, he'll be different and back to normal once he's in the swing of things.

[ebigirl]

Not to different I hope. He has a wonderful sense of humor that most of the time only the two of us understand!

[STG3_VeNard]

LOL about me??!!?? What did you say?? Was it something about me and my now ex?. Well as long as he realizes that a break up could happen. It would be a shame to marry her and her not like the navy life. I have had so many friends get divorced because of that. I dont even know him and I would feel bad if that did ever happen. :( Hey maybe it will wrk out for the best... Just wont know until it happens. Cheers!

[STG3_VeNard]

HAHAHA Nope not bothered at all.. Just making sure it was good and not bad stuffs. lol.

 

Well I am sure it will all work out. Even if they dont stay together there is always a reason, fate works in odd ways. And sometimes (especially if your not married) its best to be single as you start your Navy life. Its really hard and to be dating a civi is even harder. because sometimes you maybe stationed over seas and they cant go with you.

 

Those types of girls that want to get married so they can get away from home or get the benefits are what we in the military life call "Base Rats". Its sad and disgusting. But yes thankfully he was a smat man and ran away from that.

[nicksmum]

 hi, just read your post today, my son leaves march 9th, about a week and a half ago I noticed that he was staying out of the house a lot. when he was home he would argue with his youngest brother who is 9 and just seem annoyed with all of his family.He totally ignored me and I was so upset because he is the oldest of 3 boys and his brothers really look up to him and he has always been very patient with them, I didnt recognize this boy and felt so hurt that I couldnt bring myself to say anything nice to him, after a few days I did text him that I love him and I left it at that. I think they are just dealing with so much pressure and emotions that they dont know what to do or say. . He didnt apologize for being mean to his brother but I did notice him being kinder to him and thats all I can ask for right now. 

[PNM #2 (Proud NaVy Mom-2nd SR)]

Hi nicksmum - Sorry you seem to be going through the same thing.  I think all of this would be a lot easier if it hadn't been going on so long.  My son started acting this way around the beginning of December, as soon as his signed his contract.  He was exerting his independence before that but around that time it got to the point where I never did anything right, never said anything right, etc.  That's been almost 3 months and it has just worn me down.  He is being so disrepectful and disobedient that last night I actually threatened to throw all of his clothes in the front yard so he could move out and cut his cell phone off.  I figure I deserve to be treated better as long as I am providing the roof over his head and the food in his belly.  I have a feeling that when he leaves, as upset as I know I will be, part of me will be relieved knowing that every time I get home I won't get jumped on for some perceived error in judgment, words, actions, etc. 

 

I'm really glad that your son started being kinder to his brothers and I hope he keeps it up until he leaves.  Good luck with everything and write back if you ever feel like venting.

[PNM #2 (Proud NaVy Mom-2nd SR)]

PC Mom 03/Div 152 - thank you for the encouraging words.  He just keeps saying that he doesn't have anything to talk about.  I realize that it is hard on him but it's hard on us too.  This is not what I wanted; this is what he wanted.  For right now I'm trying to back off and just let things happen...

 

I spoke to his recruiter this afternoon and just found out that we won't be able to go to MEPs to see him take his oath because it's on a NAS base.  This is the first I've heard of it.  You need a DOD sticker to get in so when he leaves to go the day before he ships, that will probably be the last time we see him until PIR.  Very upsetting.  Seems to me I found out all the good things the Navy had to offer at the beginning and now that it's getting down to the wire, that's when I'm starting to find out all of the negatives.  Doesn't give a person a good feeling but I guess everything has its drawbacks.

 

I'm glad that you have his ship/division already.  You're that much closer to his PIR!  I hope that the letters don't upset you.  They will probably be full of all of the wonderful things that he's learned and the people he's come to know while at BC.  The good thing is that they are probably busy from sunup to sundown so they don't have a lot of time every day to miss us.  I'd rather be here missing him then him be there and missing me (well, I do want him to miss me a little!)  I can't even begin to imagine how all of this is going to feel when it's actually happening.  I hope I can handle it as well as all of the other N4Ms have done!!!

 

Best of luck to your son and I hope that you get your letter soon!