For you

[TexasDocMom]

I wrote part of this blog when my son was deployed to Iraq last year. I wrote the beginning of it on my birthday this year. I go back to read it every so often, especially when I read your posts and see, feel the pain of the moms here. I know that pain. I also know the joy when I knew he was boots down in the USA. I wonder how do those moms with more than one child in the military do this? I have such admiration for them, such fear for their sanity...and I can say that because we all know, those that come to this group, that fear... Sometimes I think about moms since the start of time, how we have always sent our children off to wars...and I'm very thankful that I had this group to come to share my fears, say the insane things, cry while I type. Just acknowledge my fear. You are not alone.

Next year, you will be trying to comfort and support another mom, Yes. You will.

my blog:

Today, April 22, is my birthday. A year ago today my son was deployed as a corpsman with his Marine unit to Iraq. Left on my 60th birthday, snuck a phone call in at midnight and one more before his phone was shut off....he did not want to tell me the date of his deployment, he knew it wasn't the best choice.

Today he's safe and sound in the USA...still a corpsman with Marines...and when he called this morning he asked if I remember last year.

Do I remember?

My handsome sweet boy, in a land where there are those who would kill or kidnap him simply because he is US patriot...my son that always stood by the teacher as a kindergartner and first grader,, he was the youngest in his class...my son, who is now a strong, mature man...who has a new gentleness in his voice when I answer the phone, who never lets me off the phone now a days without "I love you, mom, don't forget"...my son who always told me I had perfect grandchildren, a boy and a girl and I didn't need anymore from him...who now says things like "I don't want to start a family in the military, it's too hard for them..." my son who walks into our front door and brings that youth and love and energy. Home Safe and sound...

My head told me it would happen....my heart convinced me that every person in that land wanted to kill my child...I know that he served with men just like him, Marines who would put themselve in the line of fire for the Doc...well trained and watching each other's back.

but mostly...I felt like this blog I wrote last year...

sometimes I don't even know I'm crying until the tears roll down my cheeks.

sometimes I can put my hair up and my head down and my hands in the dirt and time passes with no thought.

sometimes I can walk out the door, start my car and become the worker bee who just does the job with no thought.

sometimes I hear the phone, dry my eyes, clear my throat, and become the person the caller wants me to be with no thought.

sometimes I actually remember those conversations.

sometimes I take notes so i don't forget.

sometimes I hold this little dog, and watch her calm. watch her watch me, feel her head on my foot when she knows it's time. wonder if I make a sound...how does she know.

sometimes I feel guilty because I wish it was my Boom dog.

sometimes I'm okay.

sometimes I love living alone. It's perfect.

sometimes I think if there is not another human heart beating nearby soon I will go out of my mind.

sometimes I think I already have.

but mostly...it seems lately...I cry.

quietly. so my son doesn't know

so my daughter doesn't see.This seems to be a memory that will always be part of me.

For you moms with kids in the sand or the mountains, serving tonight there...you are not alone, we do not forget, we are all here with you.

[Debby]

Thank you for posting this... I know you are aware I have 2 that take turns being in the sand.. this is me for the last 4 years.. this is me with very little break from the emotion of it all... this is me here wanting to help other Mom's going through this because this is what stops me from going insane...

Thank you my friend for sharing this... and for being my friend and a shoulder when I need it.. I am here to hopefully pay forward your kindness to me...

Debby

[TexasDocMom]

I posted this for you, it was removed when the admin banned us last month, and I had had many comments on it from moms who recoginized themselves in my words. It's very flattering, knowing my meaning has come across to you and to them.

You, my friend, I think about every single day, Debby. And then I realize that in our big nation, there are so many others just like you, with more than one child laying their lives on the line every day. I really do not know how you get out of bed every morning, I don't know that I could. I have a great deal of admiration for you moving forward every day in your life and even after just one war zone deployment by my son, a great deal of empathy for your sleepless nights and angst.

It's almost like a 12 step program, just one day at a time....

[Debby]

I think your right about the 12 step program ... I think I need a few more steps though... I shared this with my husband.. he said its like she's in your head.. I said no.. she's a Mom who's lived through this too...

This meant so much to me I can't tell you I want to print it out and hang it on my wall... reminds me I am not alone...

[TexasDocMom]

They are same words I said to Matt when he was leaving, when he was there.

"remember you are not alone."

Also remember that the words we leave here, you and I, will be read by someone else that needs to know that they are not alone either, and your sharing of your fears and pain will make them know they also are not alone.

[denise]

Thanks DocMom for all your heart. We sure do have our low moments. Some days you just cry for the simplest things like yesterday I went to put up a new wreath on my door and decided to tie a yellow ribbon on to it with a flag instead of flowers and omg the tears. But I am so proud of my son just want him to come home so he can have a chance to live life, meet a girl, fall in love, have kids, just live. So I have to live and laugh for him till he comes home.
Thanks to all moms for just being moms and thanks for being here for each other. We are never alone

[TexasDocMom]

when my son was deployed...in the post below. memories of those feelings and that fear just do not seem to move away, I remember each time I read a post on this page written by a frightened mother.

You won't forget either, it will change you, make you pay it forward to the new mom on the list, going into this hell for the first time...

[Chief88]

Sharing is the only way I can get through the days sometimes. Thank you so much for posting. It is so true all these things and yet more. Wishing the best to all out soldiers out there defending us. God keep them safe prayers always!

[TexasDocMom]

Just bumping this up...

[yelomoon]

Thanks for posting. As I just received a call from mine in the sandbox and I am feeling quite emotional. 

[Tyler's mom]

Oh my now I am crying.  Thank you so much.  This is the first time I have been back on the board since I wrote that message.  I was hoping that I would handle this whole thing alot better.  Guess I am still praying I will.  He is in 29 Palm right now and we haven't heard anything since he called to say he was there.

Again, Thank You!