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Comment by helenp on February 12, 2018 at 10:03pm

Go figure! My son just called and said, DIL and I think you should come next week while I'm on deployment leave." Just like that. Of course the airfares are high at this late notice, and I'm unemployed right now, but I am going. I feel so much better. Thank you Moms for all of your kind and thoughtful advice. I'm glad I reached out to you instead of acting out my emotional junk.

Comment by ulua on February 12, 2018 at 8:56pm

Cheri, my journey has been similar to yours. An adjustment period of about two years where I learned to let go and give them space while being supportive and loving. Good idea to send the gift cards! 

hurricane, Thankyou for the article about deployments. I hope you will consider that being a military mom continues a connection to our son that a civilian mom may not experience. I agree with you about being respectful to the new couple and their wishes for visitors. You and your husband are the first priority.

during the deployment if you can find the energy and time to stay connected to your spouse’s family, updating information or just saying hello, it would be a kind thing. But totally understandable if just getting through a day is all you can manage. 

Thankyou for your perspective!

 

Comment by CheriH on February 12, 2018 at 5:45pm

Thanks HeloPilotMom...after I pushed send, I went to clean the bathrooms and hoped that I didn't come across as a know it all.  Nothing like scrubbing toilets to get me thinking!  

Anyhow, helenp...none of us have all the answers.  And no two relationships are the same.  Just know that this Navy mom gig is not an easy one.  So many blessings and proud moments, but also many hard ones and even some heartache.  

It reminds me of the meme..."remember when we were young and all we wanted to do was grow up?  What were we thinking????"

Comment by Hurricane on February 12, 2018 at 5:29pm

https://jomygosh.com/2017/01/10-ways-can-ruin-deployment/

This is a great article to read regarding deployments.

As spouses, this is tough as we are with our LO on a daily basis before they just leave. As parents, they have been gone from your home for a while now so you have already adjusted to them being gone in a sense.

As far as being there the day /week before they leave, respect their wishes as it can cause extra unnecessary stress that could affect the spouses relationships.

Prior to deployment there is a lot of prepping (kids, schedules, financial, packing personal and squadron/unit related) “entertaining” extra guests can be hard on top of getting everything ready whether you’re staying at the house or not. We were prepping up until the moment my LO left. If you’re not welcome to visit prior to the deployment, request the phone call from your DD or DS. Keep the communication line open with the spouse.

If your upset by not being allowed to visit, I would keep the feelings to yourself and not cause any friction with your DD or DS or their spouse. Again, if you feel stressed about deployment happening, take that times a 100 for the spouse left at home.

Comment by HeloPilotMom on February 12, 2018 at 5:20pm

Excellent comments and advice Cheri. It’s a tightrope we walk and giving space and keeping communication open is key. My Mom was a Navy Nurse - then wife for 21 years - (later a Navy and Air Force Mom) — the wife part being much harder she said! As she always told me - there isn’t any education but only “on the job” training - much more learning by mistakes- for being a son, Husband, Wife or a Mom!  My husband has 6 kids and 14 grandkids and 3 great grandkids — and he says offer forgiveness and grace where we can, but nothing hurts more than when we get pushed away by our kids!  Hang in there — and wait for the grandkids!!

Comment by CheriH on February 12, 2018 at 4:52pm

I've read all the comments and pondered whether to add my 2 cents.  helenp: I understand your dilemma and feelings.  My sweet DIL and I had bonded before they married.  Our first visit to them six months after the wedding was difficult and I was blind-sided.  But I managed to back off and give them space. I spent the next two years reaching out to her personally; especially when he was gone for training.  When it came time for him to deploy, we let them have their space.  I remember the last phone call before he left.  I managed to keep it together while he was on the phone and burst into tears when we hung up.  One of the hardest things I've done.  Again, during deployment, I called, texted, sent cards, little gift cards for a lunch date with a friend to her and did my best to focus on her.  In return, she shared much of the news that DS shared with her.  We received occasional emails from him and 1 phone call from him while in port in the six months while he was gone.  I reminded myself over and over that his relationship with her was the most important...and I really do want it to be that way!  She blessed me with an invitation to join her pier-side when the ship returned!  (My hubby was on the ship on the Tiger Cruise, and she had seen him at a port call six weeks prior to homecoming.)

Their first baby is due in a month; then he will be deploying within the next 4 months. So, we will be making more adjustments.  

And it is so different from my daughter.  Who also lives 2500 miles away from me (civilian).  She is always planning my next visit to them (2 grandbabies) before I leave.  

So, hang in there.  We can all feel your pain...and yes, we don't have to like it. And venting here is always acceptable!

Comment by HeloPilotMom on February 12, 2018 at 4:44pm

You go Helen P!

The “girl” comment has much more with working with seniors...girls maybe more emotional, but when when they get older, over many years of my experience, I see them caring for parents and RARELY see a young man doing so - sadly!  Hence my comment. Of course there are exceptions, when a DIL is a nurturer or feels family takes precedence. It’s all in how hey were brought up. 

My boys call me several times a week too and talk - and my son did a great job of planning a HUGE wedding - and they paid for it! But staying with them makes things much more dicey I’ve found. My DIL is such a great person - so sweet and strong - but basically my son has said - we put up this boundary because of her parents - but it goes the same for my family too—so there are no complaints about it-LOL Also, before the wedding they want your approval - it’s a big deal to your son - and after the wedding, they no longer need it. Real life pressures happen.Peace at the wedding and all that is no longer a part of it. 

I found my one DIL to be a perfectionist - she likes all of us but doesn’t want to be found less than perfect and can’t handle her self-induced stress of guests. It pushes her over the edge but emotionally and physically. 

I can understand it’s expensive to go to Hawaii and stay elsewhere etc but I sure wouldn’t miss saying goodbye to My son if he likes to speak with you often, etc. just because they may not want you to stay in their home. If you can afford it, just mention you could do that and you wouldn’t expect tons of their time. It just might take the pressure off. Now if you’re expecting a lot of attention from the visit, or can’t afford it without staying with them, I’d stay home!

Good advice from everyone on here —but keep it light and easy — they don’t need anymore stress — and do what your heart tells you is right!!  

Comment by helenp on February 12, 2018 at 4:34pm

Thanks for helping me to process my feelings.

Comment by helenp on February 12, 2018 at 4:17pm

HeloPilotMom: RE: "I sure wish I’d had a girl!  Xoxo" - I DO have a girl! She lives in a different state also. Actually, the girls are much more difficult emotionally. My boys were easier and made me laugh. Also, my son is an identical twin. His twin brother is single. He also lives out-of-state, but he visited this past weekend. They were both in the wedding.

And don't get me wrong, the wedding was beautiful and lovely. My DIL and son did a great job planning it and making it happen long distance. The only negative was her mom's behavior, and since they stayed with her parents for two weeks, it was hard on them.

My DIL is sweet and we did have a great relationship before. She was so excited at the prospect of me visiting pre-deployment when I suggested it back in the fall. I am guessing that everything is harder than she expected. I am confident that she'll be back to normal with me at some point, but I am not confident that it will happen before he departs, and I am afraid that during his deployment, with our common link not there, it might not happen. Those are my fears, but I don't know if I'm correct. Back in the fall, she would reach out to me a lot, so I guess I'm reacting to the change.

My son calls me a few times a week and stays on the phone a long time, so I'm not worried about losing him, and she would never want to hurt his relationship with me. 

So, Ulua, I guess I've talked myself out of trying to visit. I'm taking the patience route. But I reserve the right to not like it. LOL

Comment by HeloPilotMom on February 12, 2018 at 3:47pm

Ulua,

Yes, you are right - I mistook you as the original writer. I did mean the comment for Helen P. Thanks for the correction!

As to your recent comment about probably- I agree about privacy which is why I said I don’t ask nor demand to go to their home nor stay at their home. When we were invited, there was not much hospitality - perhaps due to ignorance or due to the DIL not really wanting us there — I don’t try to figure that out anymore.

my point is it’s a long trip for a hug - or a meal - but if that’s what she needs, then don’t place them in a position to have to say “no” to a guest in their home. It’s a beautiful place to visit and if her son can get away and calls her alone, then ask him to get away for a meal alone If the DIL prefers it. She might. Take the pressure off the “them.” I learned this with step parenting. Not that Helen doesn’t want to see her Future DIL, but he’s the one deploying and that’s who she wants to hug goodbye. So take the DIL out of the picture - and just say I’d Like To come and be less hassle on everyone. I will stay at a hotel and you just meet me for a meal when you can. If she’s agreeable, have her meet me. But don’t expect them to make tons of time for you. That made it easy for me. We stay only a day or two max (remember the old saying that guests are like fish after 2 days they begin to stink!) Have some things to do alone while you wait on him/them. And don’t talk about your relationship or anything heavy. Instead be super positive and fun. Make good memories. I try to forget they are my sons and instead treat them like I would a nice couple I know casually. No pressure and light. It can be tough - but that’s a safe way to ensure you get to see them again. It’s not what I dreamed of nor pictured in my mind for my relationship with my son and wife - but it is what it is. Being long distance doesn’t help. It’s better for me than for the parents on my DIL who live a couple of of miles away and who I have found get the same treearment. It’s nothing personal — I find it’s the self centeredness of kids. 

Don’t let it make you feel bad. I find some kids (a small percentage) are different - I worked in a high school office - but they are the minority. When the girls don’t push for a close fam relationship - most boys follow suit. It’s easier than battling with a strong willed woman. LOL. I think often the DIL is intimated by you even if she likes you. 

The good news - as I stay away more often than not and hands things this way with little demands - I get more calls and have god relationships with my sons. 

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